Bad Relationship again

[hazeleyed]

Hi All,

 

Um I am not sure where to start with my story accept I came out of an abusive relationship a year and half ago. I wrote many posts here regarding it. I have now graduated from the university and moved past the bad relationship. You know how we promise ourselves we wont be in the same situation again and we promise we will never allow anyone to hurt us again?

 

Well I promised myself the same thing except 4 months ago I met someone. He seemed like a nice guy and we started talking. We hit off right away and we would talk every day , every second of the day. Eventually things got serious and we discussed the possibilities of long term. However, I was afraid that since he didnt know anything about my past the possibility of long term without being completely honest wasn't fair. So I decided to tell him everything and for some reason I didnt get a very nice response from him. It was like I wanted comfort or some sort of assurance that he would be there you know? But I never did get it that day.

 

We got closer in other ways and he would not really be there for me emotionally when I needed him but I figured its because it is baggage from my past and he doesnt need to be there. However, I think it was wrong deep down inside because I thougth the next guy i would be with would actually allow me to heal at my own pace while being there for me. As things moved on we got closer physically and I would freeze on him , something he couldnt understand. He would get mad at me and then tell me that I dont love him and that I cant get over my past etc...the only thing was that it takes time when u have been so hurt to completely let yourself go. Again I blamed myself for this and figured maybe he is right...I need to really let go of my past.

 

A few after we made love and the next day he told me that he had lied about things in his life. For starters he had immigration issues and he was married to someone to get residence. I was utterly shocked and hurt. How could someone lie to me again and sleep with me? Was I not someone who should be respected ? Respect starts from being honest for starters. Anyway even that he tried to put on me....he acted like he was sorry and he made himself to be the victim and how the world (his uncle and aunt) were the ones who got him in this mess...as stupid as it sounds I did believe him at that time. I was like maybe because he left home at such a young age as I did so he probably got involved in the wrong issues (as I once did in the past). So I did forgive him and told him we would get through it.

 

I can honestly say I devoted 4 good months to this relationship, I gave it my all despite being hurt before..I loved like I had never been hurt. I gave like I had everything in my life to give....I learnt to cook for him, called his parents back home....I did a lot that maybe a girlfriend of four months would not do. I thought maybe this was it and then he started telling me I shouldnt go to grad school and instead focus on making money so that we could get together in the next year or so ..(tell my parents etc etc)..this is where I thought...um something doesntseem right because if someone loves u they wont stop u from doing whatu want. And if anyone knows me they knew I wanted to go far with life education wise. He tried really hard to get me to do something else.

 

Another weird thing ws he was always telling me how so many girls liked him and they wanted to be with him....and how he could have anyone he wanted if it was just about sex. He would tell me that I should lose weight and that I should eat right, I should do this or that...I should clean, cook etc....

 

I dunno it was all so weird....he would get mad over little things..he didnt seem to take interest in other parts of my life. Then one day when he came over magically the pictures we took of "each other" magically disappeared and he had been the only one on my computer....

 

then the week I got into my accident 2 days later he dropped me and said it was because I suffocated him. I didnt seem to understand how someone who said they loved me could say such things like that to me. Over the past 3 weeks he has said some of the following to me:

- ur crying irritates me

- your fat, your arms are huge

- your not sexy at all

- you dont know how to cook or do anything in life

- dull brain

- seeing u makes me sleepy

- ur eyes are bad

- your lips are not good

- your not healthy

- u should be greatful i took u in despite knowing everything

- i dont ever want to hear about ur past

- Lied about adding some girl to his msn

- Said he didnt need anyone and that he was not

attached to me

- Hangs up the phone and turns the cell phone off

 

or yell at me for calling him in the middle of the night...I wasnt sure where the anger was coming from at all...just wanna climb into bed and cry myself to sleep and make everything go away.....nuting seems to be working , everything seems like bs....everything hurts deep down inside....i gotta move on....hes toxic....he doesnt care at all about me....he even said how if something happens to him hes going to think its because i cried? how rude and pathetic is that....

 

Today I finally just picked up the phone and said my goodbye....I said what Ineeded to and I guess its done....I feel ok ...just really hurt and exhausted.

[waveseer]

How long did the first abusive relationship last? Was it longer than 4 months? If so, even though it's bittersweet you have made progress. Next time it will only take 2 weeks. The time after that 2 dates and after that 2 hours and then probably never again. You are not wrong to love, and the right man will love you back.

[hazeleyed]

Thanks ready2heal, I appreciate your support.

[volpe]

 

I would just suggest to learn how to develop boundaries that other people can't cross. When people do or say certain things we should just know that it is not o.k. and that it's not working with them. It's hard, I know, to balance, to know what is healthy conflict and what is abusive, sometimes things fall in a gray area. But if you find yourself giving up parts of yourself or sacrificing for someone else, then try to be aware of it, and cut back.

 

You have to love yourself or you can not love someone else. If you sacrifice yourself, you will lose those parts of yourself that you love, and you will be abused. It's not easy but work on yourself, develop friendships with people that love you and support you and also challenge you to become a better person. Then you will know what type of behavior to expect from a relationship-- it should be a very intimate friendship along that same continuum. You won't have those abusive behaviors from a friend and you should not accept them from a lover.

[hazeleyed]

Thank you for your response.

[hmdreamer7]

We got closer in other ways and he would not really be there for me emotionally when I needed him but I figured its because it is baggage from my past and he doesnt need to be there. However, I think it was wrong deep down inside because I thougth the next guy i would be with would actually allow me to heal at my own pace while being there for me. As things moved on we got closer physically and I would freeze on him , something he couldn't understand. He would get mad at me and then tell me that I dont love him and that I cant get over my past etc.

 

I'm so sorry you were treated so horribly. It's good that you were able to leave the relationship earlier than in the past, too. I also think that being open about your past to people you trust in the future is smart. It shows you who really cares about you, and this guy for instance, didn't give you the response you were looking for when you told him... I think that should be one of your first clues as to how a guy will treat you in the future. There ARE men out there who will understand your past, so continue to strive for those qualities in another man that you want, and don't give up hope!

[hmdreamer7]

We got closer in other ways and he would not really be there for me emotionally when I needed him but I figured its because it is baggage from my past and he doesnt need to be there. However, I think it was wrong deep down inside because I thougth the next guy i would be with would actually allow me to heal at my own pace while being there for me. As things moved on we got closer physically and I would freeze on him , something he couldn't understand. He would get mad at me and then tell me that I dont love him and that I cant get over my past etc.

 

I'm so sorry you were treated so horribly. It's good that you were able to leave the relationship earlier than in the past, too. I also think that being open about your past to people you trust in the future is smart. It shows you who really cares about you, and this guy for instance, didn't give you the response you were looking for when you told him... I think that should be one of your first clues as to how a guy will treat you in the future. There ARE men out there who will understand your past, so continue to strive for those qualities in another man that you want, and don't give up hope!

[blue69]

Sorry to hear your situation.

 

There are many good people out there. Keep a positive outlook and you will attract positive people.

 

You are better off without him. Be strong for yourself and remember to love yourself more than anyone else.

 

Good luck.