How do you mend a broken heart when you are still with him?

[mskc0511]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 8 years and have lived together for the past 3 years. He will be 26 in January and I am 24. Over the past few years we have talked about getting married that it would be in our best interest to wait until we finished college. I though that was a good idea and I also though we were too young. But now, we both have bachelor degrees, and I am currently in law school.

 

In the past, he always said we would wait until we were done with our undergrad. I always had this feeling that he was saying to wait until a specific time to give hime time. A few months ago, he told me that he did not want to get married. Essentially all the he told me in the past was a lie. He told me those things to keep me happy.

 

Now I think I know how he feels, but I am often confused. At first, it was because he wanted a career, then it was because of how his family would react, then it was because things between us werent so good. I do not know which one. I guess it is is all of them

 

I told him that he broke my heart. He did. I have strong feelings for him and have looked forward to this next step in our relationship for a very long time, but he does not feel that way. He says that he loves me more than anything and does want to marry me, but there is something in the way.

 

I was very angry and have gotten over the fact that he lied to me. However, I am very hurt that he does not feel the same way about me. He says he does, but how can he say the things he says then?

 

My heart has been broken and I need to heal or our relationship may be over. He cannot take my unhappiness. I told him that he needs to do something to heal what he is broken. In his mind, the only thing he thinks can fix it is proposing, but I know it would be a lie, and I do not want him lying to me anymore to keep me happy.

 

What can he do to help heal my broken heart? I have tried, and I do try to deal with it, but it is difficult to be around him sometimes knowing how he feels.

What can we do to mend our relationhip?

 

 

Thanks for reading.

[waveseer]

Has he told you what he does want?

[mskc0511]

He told me that he wants to be with me forever, as he has in the past. He also said the he could not imagine being with anyone else but me and does want to marry me in the future. I do know that he loves me, but his attitude suggests that he is not ambitious to get married anytime soon. I figure if he wants a career and that would make him feel better about getting married, then why doesnt he get one, or research one. Instead, all he does is complain about the job he does have.

[waveseer]

Does what he wants (and what he's doing to get it) in any way shape or form match up to what you want?

[DN]

If he wants to be with you forever why does he not want to marry you.

 

Is it marriage as such he is against or just not marrying you?

[mskc0511]

I personally do not have any more restrictions on when we should get married. What he wants is all personal to him. On reason is that he wants things to get better between us, but it can really get better until I can get over this. I want things to get better between us too. Everything else that he wants it what he wants.

 

I have asked him if it is me, and he says no, but I am beginning to think so more and more everyday. But at the same time, he has been hesitant in everything we have done to further our relationship. He says the his has been with me, and he wants to stay with me, so that should be enough.

[waveseer]

I personally do not have any more restrictions on when we should get married. What he wants is all personal to him. On reason is that he wants things to get better between us, but it can really get better until I can get over this. I want things to get better between us too. Everything else that he wants it what he wants.

 

I have asked him if it is me, and he says no, but I am beginning to think so more and more everyday. But at the same time, he has been hesitant in everything we have done to further our relationship. He says the his has been with me, and he wants to stay with me, so that should be enough.

 

So, how far are you willing to go to try to get over it? Do you think you can? Is there any really good evidence, tangible evidence that you could use to convince yoursel of his sincerity?

[mskc0511]

I have tried to get over it. I was good for a couple of weeks but then my feelings resurface. It is difficult to just take what he has said because he has lied to me about this in the past. The one thing I know is that he wants to be with me, and is commited to me, as he has been for the past 8 years. Otherwise, all I have is his word, there is not other evidence that I can think of. It is difficult to take his word and run with it.

[waveseer]

Over the last 8 years has his word been good almost all the time?

[mskc0511]

Yes, it has, he is trustworthy, but he has lied about things that would prevent me from being too unhappy. I guess he is trying to protect me. There have been other things that he has lied about that would be sufficient to end our relationship. Not many, and not anything about being unfaithful.

[waveseer]

I don't think anyone can tell you the right thing to do in your situation. You have to balance the risk of him stringing you along indefinitely with the reward of him coming around eventually. I was in a similar situation once and I cracked, mentally and emotionally so I had to go away for my own self-preservation. I didn't want to go but I couldn't stay and be healthy both.

 

I highly suggest taking some quiet time to yourself and meditating (learn how if you don't know). Hopefully the answer that will serve you best in the long run will become clear to you.

[Parsley]

I really feel for you, this is such a horrible situation to be in. Advice I've read from others on the boards in the past in vaguely similar situations is to set a timeline, but only for yourself. Decide that if he hasn't proposed in say..2 years, then that's it. Don't tell him this, and if it comes to that point tell him why you're leaving but don't accept any rash proposal or promises he might make in an effort to keep you. Though this may not necessarily make you feel a whole lot better now, maybe it will make it easier to think about and deal with?

 

It's so horrible to have to think about, especially as you find so many people these days who don't see the point of marriage, but frankly, if it's something you've wanted and been lead to believe you will have, then to be denied it is heartbreaking.

 

I really do feel for you, and hope what I've said can help if only slightly.

xxx

[SarahRose]

Why don't you take a break from him and think about what you really want.

 

Do you really want to marry a liar especially someone who lies about their feelings?

[blue69]

I don't think he has purposely lied to you. Actually he is trying to be honest with things and more importantly himself. If he went through with a marriage when he wasn't feeling ready then the marriage wouldn't be starting off correctly.

 

Relationships change over time. Couples need to be able to adapt and change together or the relationship will suffer. You are not accepting that over time some of his views have changed from original plans. You have to be willing to adjust a bit here as well. I think its important to communicate about those changes but you shouldn't try to lable him a liar or make him feel guilty about being honest with you. You can be disappointed that he isn't quite ready but no need to declare the end of the relationship over it.

 

Did he say he wanted to end the relationship, or just didn't want to get married right now? There is no absolute timeline that should be established with regards to marriage.

 

Just giving a different perspective.