male friend ditching me after i got a boyfriend

[dds10]

So I met this guy ("Jack") 2 years ago, we're in the same graduate program. We just clicked from the beginning and became pretty close. We studied together, partied together, and confided personal information in each other. We both felt like we were pretty close. I liked him like a brother, but I heard from mutual friends that he liked me as more than a friend at first. I knew he was attracted to me during the 1st year of our graduate program, but I thought he eventually got over it and viewed me as a friend as our bond became more sibling-like. We even used to talk about girls he liked or guys I liked.

 

However, 6 months ago I started dating someone. Jack was still himself in the beginning of my new relationship with this person, but over the past few months he has distanced himself from me A LOT. It's not like I ditched him after I got a bf--I still called him to go out, to study, to have lunch once in a while, etc...everything we used to do. But he often made excuses not to hang out with me, and he never called me or texted me anymore. A month ago I asked him to come over and said I really needed to talk to him. I just wanted to find out if I did something to upset him or why he was acting like this. He made an excuse not to come over and didn't even ask what I wanted to talk about or if I was okay. This was via text message, so I sent him a text back saying that I don't feel like we're as close as we used to be, and that I wish he knew how much it affected me. He said he was busy that week but we could talk about it the following week...and I told him to contact me when he was ready to talk. Well, he never did.

 

To make this more awkward, he doesn't even say hi to me at school anymore. I have to see this guy everyday at school since we're in the same grad program. He makes no effort to talk to me and won't look me in the eye. He's walked right past me without acknowledging me before. I am sure I haven't done anything to make him mad, and I feel like if I did something unknowingly he would've brought it up by now (it has been months of his weird behavior after all). I'm beginning to think that he's jealous because I have a boyfriend now. I don't know what else to think. I'm upset that this friendship was worth it enough for me to reach out to him over and over w/ no reciprocation on his part. What hurts most is that he knows something is wrong and that I'm upset about it but he refuses to talk about it. What should I do next...is there even anything I can do anymore?

[Scorpion Fury]

He either has feelings for you or thinks backing off is the respectful thing to do now that you're in a relationship.

[dds10]

He either has feelings for you or thinks backing off is the respectful thing to do now that you're in a relationship.

 

I thought of that as a possibility, but if a friendship is platonic then why should it change? I have other close guy friends with whom my friendship hasn't changed after I entered my new relationship. My boyfriend also doesn't have a problem with me having male friends. So I wonder what's the big deal?

[25thfloor]

wow. unfortunately, you've done all that you can. i would just back off, and stop speaking to him if he refuses to even say hello. he sounds pretty immature. sometimes friends need to take a break, so i wouldn't make any decisions, just ride it out. you might be surprised in the future. he might get over it.

[Loup]

I think you mistook the whole relationship you had with him... I don't think he ever saw you as a friend but more as a romantic interest and well now that you are taken he is no longer interested in spending time with you. We call that fair weather friendships. Quite common seen lots of guys do it before, they become "friends" with the girl they like in an attempt to end up getting her to go out with them.

[Scorpion Fury]

I thought of that as a possibility, but if a friendship is platonic then why should it change? I have other close guy friends with whom my friendship hasn't changed after I entered my new relationship. My boyfriend also doesn't have a problem with me having male friends. So I wonder what's the big deal?

 

I'm saying while you may have though it was platonic, his feelings weren't platonic.

[purpleduckie]

he had feelings for you. i hate it when guys do that to you. it's so hurtful, but i guess that's what the entire point was.

[Zeitgeist]

he had feelings for you. i hate it when guys do that to you. it's so hurtful, but i guess that's what the entire point was.

That's an unfair statement to make. If he has feelings for her, he may not be able to help it and watching her date someone else hurts. So backing off is his only choice. He's not doing it to hurt her. If anything, he's doing it because he's respecting her decision to choose this other guy instead of him. It doesn't mean his friendship is fake either. Friendship and romantic interests are not mutually exclusive. But if the friendship is hurting him, it's his right to back off. If he was really was a selfish insensitive jerk, he'd be using his friendship position to try and sabotage her relationship.

[Caterina]

I agree with ziet. I think that he was interested in something more with her but when she had a boyfriend it probably hurt him too much. For some reason, he didn't want to acknowledge his feelings for her when they were like sibling-friends, but now its too hard not to since she is taken.

 

I think you should respect his wishes, but its not like you really have a choice in this. If he liked you, he should have said something so just let him go.

[purpleduckie]

That's an unfair statement to make. If he has feelings for her, he may not be able to help it and watching her date someone else hurts. So backing off is his only choice. He's not doing it to hurt her. If anything, he's doing it because he's respecting her decision to choose this other guy instead of him. It doesn't mean his friendship is fake either. Friendship and romantic interests are not mutually exclusive. But if the friendship is hurting him, it's his right to back off. If he was really was a selfish insensitive jerk, he'd be using his friendship position to try and sabotage her relationship.

 

A lot of guys will befriend a girl so he can date her. the girl is pretty much.. being lied to. and once they have absolutely no chance, they disappear and act like you have the plague. it's hurtful. i'm sure they know better and if they were mature, they'd say something other than being MIA. it's passive aggressive.

[grymoire]

That's an unfair statement to make. If he has feelings for her, he may not be able to help it and watching her date someone else hurts. So backing off is his only choice. He's not doing it to hurt her. If anything, he's doing it because he's respecting her decision to choose this other guy instead of him. It doesn't mean his friendship is fake either. Friendship and romantic interests are not mutually exclusive. But if the friendship is hurting him, it's his right to back off. If he was really was a selfish insensitive jerk, he'd be using his friendship position to try and sabotage her relationship.

 

Fantastic post!

 

In threads like these I always notice certain things.. First the guy in question is completely blamed and a total jerk for doing this to the girl. Second the girl pretends to be completely oblivious to what was going on.

 

The OP has clearly mentioned that she knew that Jack was attracted to her. Knowing this I am not sure why she continued to have him as a friend, especially as a close friend. If he asked her for a date, she turned him down and offered only friendship and he took it then I would place the blame on him. Because he entered into the friendship knowing that he can only be a friend. But in this case the OP just assumed that he will get over his feelings and continued to remain close to him. I will not believe that a girl does not know that a guy has feelings for her. Girls are very good at this. The OP knew Jack had feelings for her but ignored it so that she can continue to have him as a close friend. That is extremely selfish of her! There is also a very good possibility that she enjoyed his attention and affections without having to give any commitment. Now that she has a boyfriend Jack feels devastated and has distanced himself. Even now instead of showing empathy the OP selfishly cries foul and demands that he continue to remain friends with her.

 

Jack made a big mistake. He should have asked her for a date and if she turned him down he must have left. It is a very very bad idea to be friends with a person that you are attracted to. He made a mistake and now he is being rubbished. That said I also have to say that his mistakes do not excuse the OP's behavior. She needs to let him go. He is not her friend.. He never was and he never will be. If she is surprised to hear this she is being super naive.

[dds10]

I just want to clarify that I have not led him on, nor has he ever confessed his feelings to me.

[purpleduckie]

It is about as selfish as him distancing himself from her. I think we both made a lot of assumptions here that simply isn't fair.

 

 

If he pretended to be her friend so he can eventually date her, it is wrong and deceitful. A friend that scolds you because you won't date them? That's no friend at all.

 

She didn't use him for attention. She looked at him as a friend. He used the word friendship and tricked HER. when he couldn't get with her, he became hurt and dropped her without any explanation. Why? apparently he was too hurt to care about other people's feelings? how does that excuse his behaviour? how does the fact that he has feelings for her makes him the victim? how does the fact that she doesn't have reciprocal feelings makes her feelings admissible?

 

ooops sry i meant dismissible*

[grymoire]

It is about as selfish as him distancing himself from her. I think we both made a lot of assumptions here that simply isn't fair.

 

So you want him to stay close to her as a friend and watch him suffer while she goes out with her new boyfriend? It sounds very cruel and selfish.

 

Another important thing... I have also noticed that women always want to appear naive and innocent and all sugar and spice... The OP knew he was attracted to her.. why have him as a close friend??? Either she must have not had him as a friend or she must have kept him as just a friend. But she wants him as a close friend. I bet that if he did not have feelings for her she would have just kept him as a friend. She may not want to agree but she pulled him as a close friend because she knew of his attraction for her.

[grymoire]

I just want to clarify that I have not led him on, nor has he ever confessed his feelings to me.

 

You may not wish to agree but yes you did lead him on.

 

I heard from mutual friends that he liked me as more than a friend at first. I knew he was attracted to me during the 1st year of our graduate program

 

Having someone very close to you knowing that they like you as more than a friend is leading on. You clearly knew he was attracted to you but still you kept him as a close friend?!?!?!

[grymoire]

It is about as selfish as him distancing himself from her. I think we both made a lot of assumptions here that simply isn't fair.

 

 

If he pretended to be her friend so he can eventually date her, it is wrong and deceitful. A friend that scolds you because you won't date them? That's no friend at all.

 

She didn't use him for attention. She looked at him as a friend. He used the word friendship and tricked HER. when he couldn't get with her, he became hurt and dropped her without any explanation. Why? apparently he was too hurt to care about other people's feelings? how does that excuse his behaviour? how does the fact that he has feelings for her makes him the victim? how does the fact that she doesn't have reciprocal feelings makes her feelings admissible?

 

ooops sry i meant dismissible*

 

Yup, I agree. His actions are not honorable either. He must have asked her out earlier on and if her answer was a 'no' he should have walked out right there without continuing the friendship. But you got to look at both sides always. The OP is telling that she knew of his attraction and wanting her as more than friends. If she did not know then that is entirely a different case. Given this situation she is also to be blamed. I feel it is unfair to cast the entire blame on the guy and make him look like a bad person. As I said before, Jack's mistake does not excuse her behavior!

[purpleduckie]

haha we're basically saying... the same thing.

[grymoire]

If he pretended to be her friend so he can eventually date her, it is wrong and deceitful.

 

This is another assumption that girls make that i think is extremely offensive. So now he was only pretending to be friends with her? All the spending time together and sharing secrets was all fake?? Gimme a break!

 

I knew he was attracted to me during the 1st year of our graduate program, but I thought he eventually got over it and viewed me as a friend as our bond became more sibling-like.

 

why is it okay for a girl to "think" that the guy will get over the attraction and be only friends but it is so wrong for a guy to "think" that the girl's feelings will eventually change and they can be more than friends?

[purpleduckie]

This is another assumption that girls make that i think is extremely offensive. So now he was only pretending to be friends with her? All the spending time together and sharing secrets was all fake?? Gimme a break!

 

it's about offensive as your assumption that the girl only used him for attention and the entire friendship was just all ... fake and there for... the attention and ego boost that we (as obviously insecure girls) really need.

 

 

 

we're saying the same thing grymoire. the difference is, you only see it for the boys and i'm trying to show you the girls feel the same. we're just like you but with boobs and a vagina.

[grymoire]

it's about offensive as your assumption that the girl only used him for attention and the entire friendship was just all ... fake and there for... the attention and ego boost that we (as obviously insecure girls) really need.

 

we're saying the same thing grymoire. the difference is, you only see it for the boys and i'm trying to show you the girls feel the same. we're just like you but with boobs and a vagina.

 

I understand what you are saying purpleduckie... But usually in these type of threads I always notice a rain of insults being showered on the guy in question and how girls are so quick to assume that he was only "pretending" to be her friend. Like you said it is as offensive as making the assumption that the girl was in it only for the attention and ego boost.

 

All these could have been avoided if Jack was man enough to ask her out at the very beginning and leave had her answer been 'no'.

[jdtx]

I spent most of high school BEING this guy. I know very well what it's like to be close friends with a girl and wanting more.

 

You don't start out "planning" to want to hook up. You just know you have a fondness for her, for her looks, her personality, everything. You think she's freakin great. But the "topic" of being together just doesn't come up, or it never seems a good time to bring it up. And it's also hard if you happen to be shy and inexperienced. You don't even think of it much early on, but over months or years as you get closer, you start to think about it more until maybe it's all you think about anymore. You're so close to her, you know her better than anyone practically, you're so "in" her favor. You think if ANYBODY should have a shot with her, it would be you.

 

Then when you see her getting cozy with some other guy it just rips your heart out. Who the hell is this guy that just came out of nowhere and why does he deserve to be closer to her than you? You, who was always there for her, always willing to spend your money on her, willing to do anything for her. You've been her rock, her shoulder to cry on, her "shiny knight". You've been everything to her except a romantic partner, and you've just been waiting for that opportunity to arise. You invested so much of your time, yourself, into her just to end up on the outside of her affections.

 

What it boils down to is, she was getting what she wanted out of the situation (attention, someone to confide in, whatever it was she valued). Her needs/desires were being met to her satisfactions. But he weren't. He wasn't getting everything he wanted, and when it became clear that he never would, he had to finally accept he was getting the short end of the stick and it move on. That's not to say he didn't value the friendship. But it wasn't a full package for him. It wasn't offering him everything he was looking for, despite seeming to have potential to do so before. He stuck with it as long as he saw potential in it, and it's HIGHLY likely that she encouraged (or at least didn't discourage) him from seeing that potential. And that was because she wanted things to stay the same. She wanted to keep getting what she was getting out of it ..at his expense. That, my friends, is called leading him on. And that's very much what the situation looks like. It's not fair to call him selfish for just not wanting to hurt anymore. He may have been foolish for taking so long to wise up, I'll give you that. But not selfish.

[grymoire]

Absolutely Fantastic Post!!!

 

Right on man, right on!!

 

And do you know what is the next painful thing after getting his heart ripped out? It is coming to forums like ENA, explaining the story and in return being called as "pretending to be friends with a girl in order to get into her pants". That is rubbing the salt in the burning wounds.

 

IMO a guy has to be very very very careful before becoming friends with a woman.

[yumicecream]

Well, this is one of the reasons I'm against male-female friendships. Someone usually has a second agenda and if the other person doesn't comply, then both end up hurt. Its a friendship, so both have invested some amount of emotionalism and for the other person to leave will hurt even if they didn't desire a romantic connection to that person. And of course the other person is hurt b/c th their friend doesn't want something further than a friendship. Hurting all around.

[grymoire]

Well, this is one of the reasons I'm against male-female friendships. Someone usually has a second agenda and if the other person doesn't comply, then both end up hurt. Its a friendship, so both have invested some amount of emotionalism and for the other person to leave will hurt even if they didn't desire a romantic connection to that person. And of course the other person is hurt b/c th their friend doesn't want something further than a friendship. Hurting all around.

 

Male-Female friendships are totally fine. In fact it is healthy to have some good friends of the opposite sex. What is not healthy is being friends with someone that you are attracted to. You will always want more than what they are willing to offer and will crash and burn when you see them giving to someone else all of what you want.

[yumicecream]

Exactly. Usually one or the other person is attracted. Unless they're old farts and sex doesn't matter to them as much anymore.