To those who are still virgins/sexually inexperienced in their 20s beyond

[android]

yumicecream

 

Well, i love her more than anyone in this world... i know i could have told her and what happened to her wouldnt have happened..but i always knew she never felt that way with me. I would give her clues but i always found that she ignored them. It wasnt right to puruse my interest when i knew she was not interested. She was just my best friend. She's stil around though.she tells me she lost everything. i'm trying to give her a life...

 

hey and i think we shouldnt discus this on someone else's post. sorry evryone...

 

let me get back to our current post.

 

sns256

 

i know this is hard sns256. But do you have a choice? tell me. Looking for a girl is an option. I didnt ask anyone to stay away from that. What i meant only was to take time with things. Keep trying... try hard.. But when it comes to decision making, take little time, dont take too long and dont take too little time.. but until then you gotta live man? Thats the practical thing. Until i got my girl, i had problems, i had to watch porn or something to feel a relief and i would get annoyed at everyone when they talk about such stuff.. And the thing is after you end up getting a relationship, you shouldnt have the thought that "being single was much better!"... go ahead man, with ur endaevours... just make sure that u dont get hurt by any chance... hope you will find a good girl..

 

that goes for both of u, bronzed skin123...hope you will find smeone who will add a lot of happiness, love and meaning to ur life..

 

take care

[dev22]

FIrst, you need to learn to love yourself before anyone is going to be able to love you. You will never be able to have a good lasting relationship with really low self esteem. Plus confidence is sexy

 

It WILL happen. I promise. Let yourself enjoy this time in your life right now, hang out with your girl friends, go places and meet new people.

[MD Geist]

Well atleast your not a virgin and a guy.

 

I'am 22 and never have done anything.](*,)

[BronzedSkin123]

The people that I meet really don't care to know anything about me. I often attract people who like to talk about themselves, and if I interject to say something about me, it gets glazed over and they go on about themselves some more. They just don't seem all that interested.

 

The very few times that someone has actually cared about who I am as aperson, it came as such a shock that I didn't even know what to say. I am so used to listening to other people going on about what's happening in their life that I don't know how to relay anything about myself

 

Even with my old friend who I cut off, we had known each other for years and there were times that I felt she really couldn't care less about me. I would listen to her hardships and give her sound advice but when it was MY turn it was just this deafening silence. Especiallly when she got into a serious relationship, she really didn't care about anything but her and her boyfriend

 

I'm not good at small talk. There's only so long that I can talk about the weather. And it's hard for me to stay interested and keep the conversation flowing. But once you get to know me, I am not boring. But most people do not stick around that long to see that side of me. It takes awhile for it to come out

 

When I do talk to guys I wonder if I am animated enough, if I am interesting enough and if I feel that he's not engaged enough in the small talk I'll get really insecure. I feel like going home to my room, getting under my covers and just crying or staying there all day and never leaving until I feel better about myself

 

I'm just sad and not happy with myself or how my life is going. I get really irritated with people and I feel like giving up on life. When I go out to the mall and see all the people in my age group coupled up, with kids, socializing like normal people I get emotionally drained. I start to feel spaced out and I want to leave after 30 minutes of being there.

[BronzedSkin123]

FIrst, you need to learn to love yourself before anyone is going to be able to love you. You will never be able to have a good lasting relationship with really low self esteem. Plus confidence is sexy

 

It WILL happen. I promise. Let yourself enjoy this time in your life right now, hang out with your girl friends, go places and meet new people.

 

 

I don't want to be the only one loving myself though. I want someone else to love me too

[Mr.Zombie]

Being single is not being doomed. You can have a full life without a partner. I see many married people who are doomed to a life of unhappiness because they married for the wrong reasons or married the wrong person. Better to be "doomed to be single" than "doomed to a miserable, empty marriage"

 

I completely agree with this.

[android]

u dont get the point bronzed skin,do u? you dont love yourself. That is the problem here. you need to learn to find some source of happiness in yourself. Then only people get attracted to you... remember, laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone...

[dev22]

I don't want to be the only one loving myself though. I want someone else to love me too

 

 

But you have to learn to love yourself before that will happen. And it will. But I am telling you that no relationship will work if you do not know and love yourself first, so focus on that, and everything else will start to fall into place. Confidence is sexy, and it seems that is something you are lacking right now.

[lonely rose]

What can I do so I wont be doomed to a life of singleness? My parents both feel very sorry for me, which makes me feel even more uncomfortable in my position

 

I'm kind of in the same situation - feeling perpetually single. i'm 27 and i've only dated two people, one was when I was 19 and I broke up with him in a few weeks because I didn't feel ready to have sex and then a few months ago I lost my virginity to a guy I've been hanging out with this summer, we were together just for a week. I'm still healing after he broke my heart. Sometimes I feel like I'm doomed to be single and like you I also worry about my parents worrying for me being alone. They never say anything on the topic but it's not necessary.

I guess we have to be patient. You need to be more self-confident. There's a theory than when you stop thinking of what you don't have and focus on what you want, you'll get it. Love yourself, positive energy makes you attractive to the people around you and negative thoughts and self-rejection/self pity is a turn-off.

[MattW]

Being single is not being doomed. You can have a full life without a partner. I see many married people who are doomed to a life of unhappiness because they married for the wrong reasons or married the wrong person. Better to be "doomed to be single" than "doomed to a miserable, empty marriage"

 

Now, I don't disagree with this, per se, but here's my two cents on this. Sure, no one needs a significant other, but people want one. Like me, for example. I don't really have anyone in my life. I've been single all my life, and, well... I dunno, I guess I'm "lonely". I want some one I can connect with on deep levels; sure, I could make an effort to become more sociable and make more friends, but there's only a certain level of "connection" between friends, yanno?

 

Here's another example... Back when my mom and dad were first dating, they worked at the same store, and one of their coworkers was very disliked. He had the most obnoxious, annoying personality, and he was pretty much shunned by everyone. 'Course, my mom felt sorry for him; she didn't like him very much, either, but she made more of an effort to be nicer to him than everyone else did. In turn, he kind of clung to her; after my mom and dad got married and eventually left the store, the guy still tried to maintain this friendship because, well, she was the only friend he has. To this day, he still writes her letters in the mail, and of course, she writes him back in kind of a "pen pal" type of thing. But, when my mom and dad run into him in person, he clings to them, and follows them around the whole time.

 

Anyway, he lives all alone, has never had a girlfriend or any kind of relationship, probably doesn't have any friends, all of his family has pretty much passed away... He's basically all alone. Now, having met this guy several times, he does have a very obnoxious personality, and he also has... well, many "issues"... And while I can safely say I don't think I'm anywhere near as bad as he is, it really depresses me to think that there's a very very good chance I'll probably end up the same way in 20-30 years... No more family, no friends, no significant other... All alone. That scares the hell out of me, to be honest.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

My former landlord was like that...all alone...and so is someone my parents know. However, some personalities are just too eccentric and obnoxious that not many people want to be around them. There are plenty of older single people who have friends and people looking out for them. It depends on what you do with your life and how you treat people around you. If you walk around bitter and obnoxious people will indeed steer clear...but if you are helpful, courteous, know when to give people space and don't push people away, chances are you will not be completely alone even if you don't have a partner.

[AWT]

I've spent many 'phases' in my life opting to stay in a sort of 'comfort zone' where I strangely enjoyed feeling lonely and an outsider. It was like an identity that protected me from challenges or taking risks.

 

But every now and then I felt compelled to break out - to go 'out there' and force myself into new social situations despite the physical nausea and anxiety I felt doing so. It may be outrageous luck, but maybe that blind determination looked like confidence and I found that others were interested in me: They saw attributes they liked in me that I must have overlooked.

 

I've had two relationships (one current) and a 15 year marriage start from these 'breakout' urges, but I suffer from anxiety and low self-esteem constantly. It's all about taking risks, taking chances you would normally avoid.

[yumicecream]

I'm not very good at relationships. I am very happy when I'm single, but when men are involved, I find myself worrying about whether I am good enough. Its very strange. Men bring out negative feelings and low self esteem but when I'm alone and in my career, I dn't feel that way. I desire men just like most women, but I'm willing to love myself and be alone rather than sit there crying about/over some man. When I say 'some man', I even mean that ideal image of a guy who will come and save you from all the crap in your life. No one will save you. When you accept that, its almost as though you are saved. Happiness is not a necessity and certainly not something that is always going to be around. Its not something that is easily achieved unless you have a bit of luck. Its better to just live your life and experience all of it without crying about what you don't have.

[Cardinal]

Bronzeskin123,

 

One thing I have noticed is that you don't have a problem expressing yourself here. And certainly, you seem like someone worth getting to know. Writing ability means a lot and I can tell you don't have trouble expressing yourself through writing.

 

Why not just meet people online? Then when you feel comfortable, meet in person and see what develops? If you haven't tried it, I'd say it is definitely worth a shot. A few good pictures and a good profile on the right sites get you started, then you are pretty much in the driver's seat and can concentrate on other areas of your life.

 

If you are anything like me, perhaps you just don't have a lot of social needs. In that case, why fight it? Just find a more comfortable environment for meeting guys. I am rather introverted and introspective person and I am very happy with a very small group of friends. Developing social skills is all well and good, but why go against the grain when other options are available.

[sns256]

Sorry for not replying quicker. I had a late hockey game, and today I had to entertain a relative from out of town. She still talked about how great my cousin’s relationship is, and asked me how my dating was going, arg. I was prepared for it, she has done that before.

 

Nb: Sorry I started writing this last night, but I couldn’t finish and had to go to bed. So some of the things I say might have been covered already. I have been really busy this week, and haven’t had time for the forum much.

 

 

 

That is great advice, and something to think about. I agree that whenever the time happens in choosing a relationship. I should make a proper choice for myself, and not get into a relationship at the first opportunity if it is not right. I hope I can keep my head on straight in that situation. I think I should be able to. I think this applies even more so to a person in the position like BronzedSkin123. I hope I eventually find a good girl. It is just a matter of finding her, and to find her I have to start looking. The looking part is very very hard for me, and to be frank I haven’t looked at all yet. Up to that point in August I thought she would find me, or didn’t exist. I am sure I’ll figure this stuff out eventually. If I keep progressing as quickly as I have in the last three months, I’ll be ready for a relationship within the next year. Just got to keep working on myself.

 

 

 

I am sorry that you attract people only think about themselves. I don’t attract anyone really and have never had the opportunity to tell someone about myself. I am not really the person to tell you advice on how to attract different people. But there are is a great resource in this forum to ask those types of questions to more qualified people.

 

 

 

My experience is not exactly the same. But it is very common practice from all my friends and co workers to only think about themselves. I am absolutely flabbergasted when I get a phone call from someone, especially if it is about wanting to do something with me. It just doesn’t happen, and I almost always have to phone around to see what is going on or I get left out and they’ll go do something without me. People in general don’t give two poops about me. I have just gotten used to it, and expect people to leave me behind, it has been happening for as long as I can remember. It doesn’t really bother me anymore.

 

On the extremely rare occasion someone asks me about myself I am in shock too. That is a big reason why I am really scared of a date because I would expect her to ask me questions about myself, and I am not going to know how or what to say. I am not sure how to get through these things. What I think is you should just keep talking to a lot of people and eventually you’ll find someone who will listen. The more people listen the less shocked we will be taking about ourselves. I am not sure, I am just grasping at straws.

 

 

 

That is me exactly. I am brutal at small talk initially but once I am comfortable with the person conversations come naturally. It takes a long time, like I said before it can take up to a year. Most people will dismiss you way before that time. Again I am not sure how to fix this precisely, it is shyness that needs to be overcome. I am hoping that getting comfortable talking to strangers will work. It just takes time, remember it doesn’t come quickly.

 

 

 

I am sure you are a very interesting person, and you have to realize that. You also have to realize that not every single person finds the same things interesting. Try to find some common topics that you can talk about initially. Move on to your more specific interests in latter conversations.

 

For example I know a tremendous amount about computers and talk way above people who even work in the industry. I certainly don’t bring that up to someone I just met, because I know that it is very boring for many people. If it is someone who doesn’t know me well, I might bring it up that I am into computers, and I’ll leave it at that. I’ll let them ask questions to me about how much I know. This usually only occurs with guys, because I don’t talk to women that often. The two girls that have ever asked me such a question, never really followed up on the topic. But it did in one girl spur a question about video games, which I am also into. I find branching questions and topics together is a good way to get through small talk and in actual conversations.

 

 

 

I often have the same exact feelings a lot of the time. It really sucks going to the mall by yourself, or anywhere that you see people coupled up. School also brings on the same feelings. It also drains me. What I try to do before I go to these places is to get in the mindset that I am going to see these images, and accept that it is normal for people our age to be coupled up. It is sort of like watching a horror movie. Expecting what you are going to see makes it less shocking when you do see the images, and they have less effect on yourself.

 

What still gets to me is when I see some guy getting a kiss from his girlfriend. I guess it is jealousy. I always think, “dam that guy just got way further with a girl than I ever have, I wonder what it is like”.

 

You have to figure out how to get yourself out of these depression stages. It may even take you going to the doctor for help. I am posted earlier what helps me, you have to figure out what works for you.

 

You have to love yourself before you’ll be ready for a relationship. I don’t think I have ever loved myself per se until just recently. I have been working on myself physically and mentally, and I am noticing good results. You have to be comfortable being yourself before you can let someone into your life. It is just one of the many things that I have learned while being on this forum.

 

 

 

It scares the hell out of me too. Looking back I honestly thought I would be that person like that. That’s why I have decided to work and get out of this situation that I am in currently.

 

 

 

I would agree with this. I am like this myself. Everyone that I get to know absolutely loves having me around, because I am not shy and can be myself. I know I am not completely alone even though I have never had a partner. It is just the lack of intimacy that gets to you. Friends can’t provide that. Hopefully in time I’ll experience it.

 

Anyway, Bronzeskin123 I hope you read my post and get back to me. If you need anymore tips and techniques on dealing with this kind of stuff please pm me or ask the question here. I have a ton of them that seem to work for me. You are a very good communicator and can definitely get yourself out of this and find a great partner. It takes some work on yourself and time. Don’t try to rush things.

 

Wow that is easily the longest post I have ever written. Sorry for the length, and making you sift through it.

[hk87]

I agree with this. I always want a man, but when I get it, its a bit like an anti climax (excuse the pun in this forum!)

 

hk87

[BronzedSkin123]

It seems a bit dangerous to meet people online. I've always been very guarded and against it.

 

Also, being that online is the only place where I can freely express how I feel without worrying about people I know being judgemental, & I like the anonymity. I wouldn't want my picture up and someone who knows me would know my most personal thoughts and feelings about things. In the past I have been open with a friend about my insecurities and vulnerabilities, but they just used it against me and foolishly talked about me behind my back

 

 

 

 

 

Sure, I'll always be around here, and you can always PM me too.I hope that you do find happiness yourself. In a lot of ways we are so much alike. I always thought guys had it so much easier in life, seriously. When I come to this forum, I see more posts by men who have anxiety towards women, I'm like the only girl here who has it towards other guys. lol Kinda weird

 

 

 

 

Had to go back to this comment. Yeah but after you have sex then you'll realize how you're missing out on true love/intimacy and a relationship. Yeah, you had sex but the other things are so much more important. You'll start to really desire a life partner. But you know what, maybe the first girl you have sex with or hold hands with will end up being your first love and real relationship.