To those who are still virgins/sexually inexperienced in their 20s beyond

[BronzedSkin123]

I am not a virgin but I am inexperienced sexually and relationship wise.

 

I just pretend that sex doesn't exist (except for when I am online) I act like the world does not have sex, and if I hear my peers talking about it I block it out of my head or have negative thoughts about them to make myself feel better. I know it's not the best way to cope but it's the only way I know how.

 

I hate my current job because my employees talk explicitly about sex & relationships all the time, and it irritates me to no end. Mainly because I wish I could have the same amount of experience as they have, and I feel like I am out of their league. The fact that I have abo * * * * ely NO love interests at this moment really drags me down

 

When I was in class, my peers starting talking about their boyfriends, and sex. I couldn't bare to sit in the classroom and listen to them talk about it, so I abruptly left the class and went into the restroom balling my eyes out crying. I have to do this often. It's really hard for me to sit through something like that, if I do I'll start to tear up and look sad and people will ask what is wrong with me. But of course I just play it off, I don't know how to tell them what my problem is.

 

The years are going by so fast and I am missing out on so much. No boyfriend. Never been in love. Nothing. I really feel like a waste of space. I'm wasting my life. Even my mom said it depresses her to see me single when I should be dating

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I know how difficult it is to listen to other people talk about their wonderful relationship and sex life. The only thing you can do is try to tune them out.

[BronzedSkin123]

You're right. I've been trying to, that's why if I can I will leave the room for awhile and hopefully when I come back they are finished talking about it. But if not, I try my best but it can trigger my depression.

[arnoldlayne]

i think some people just like to talk about sex to seem experienced but a lot of people tend to exaggerate

 

i'm sure you have plenty to brag about that would make other people jealous but you just probably aren't the type of person to do that, which isn't a bad thing.

 

and as far as getting a boyfriend goes, you'll find someone soon enough. don't waste your time with anyone who doesn't deserve it and you'll be fine

[solacean]

I am sorry to hear of others in a plight not entirely unlike mine - except that I have a lot more years under my belt than you, and still am an actual virgin with no romantic history, no prospects and no hopes.

 

Don't feel alone. I know very well how much it can eat at you. For example, I should have been happy at my sister's wedding, but I was miserable because of seeing seemingly everyone else in the world coupled up and happy, and me sitting there alone like some sort of rotting, empty, unwanted husk of a person. By the time I was able to go back to my own lonely house, I literally felt sick inside. In fact I'm feeling that way again right now just from thinking about it.

 

At least you are only in your early 20's, are already ahead of anything I've done in the relationships realm, and you have a lot of time ahead of you before you could ever be in a position to end up anything like me. I hope you will be able to keep your hopes up until things improve for you.

 

By the way, I used to joke with myself that sex doesn't actually exist, and is only a rumor that everyone claims to have because they think everyone else but them is having it. That almost worked for a while.

[Taomagicdragon]

People have sex, you're not having sex and unless there's some polling or contest you're in, it has no real life implications, applications, or ramifications in regards to others. Live your own life and don't compare it to others.

[BronzedSkin123]

But it bothers me because I feel like I cannot relate to most of my peers. And I KNOW that I am not having sex, and that I am missing out which depresses me even more. Sometimes I just want to lash out at people

[yumicecream]

I'm a virgin. Personally, I've seen sex cause a lot of pain so I'm glad I"m not having it. I see men use women for sex (people in the forum sometimes deny this, but whatever) all the time and the women crying b/c they became attached to a guy who eventually threw them away.

 

I'm sure sex would be nice, but not having it shows me that there is so much more to life than just sex.

[yeawutever]

Yea, there will always be those loud and annoying people and if this was happening to me, it would for sure piss the hell out of me. It's one thing to have sex, like you I no I have long stopped being a virgin but in terms of experience level, not that much as I only had (well he still my b/f) one sex partner so I might not know that much but to publicly brag about it and in public shows those people that they got no respect for their SO's. What type of SO would be happy at hearing their partner talk like that???? Anyways tune out those people or you can put on your walk-man any time you hear them talk about it again.

[yumicecream]

I agree with the above poster.

[sns256]

You are much more experienced than myself. I have never so much as held a girls’ hand, let alone kiss or have sex. So at least you have that on me. You found someone that found you attractive enough to have sex with. I haven’t ever been flirted with, so I am still unsure if there is someone out there that would be willing to do those types of things with me. Take solace that at least one person in your lifetime has.

 

I know exactly what you are talking about. It is really frustrating listening to those types of conversations in class, and seeing all the happy couples everywhere you go. I can also get depressed quite easily when I start thinking about how much I have missed thus far in my life. Especially when I see someone considerably younger (16-17) get a hug from their SO, and think that guy has gotten way further than me with a girl than I have ever come close to.

 

Co workers can be especially difficult to deal with. At a previous job they would talk about sex and relationships on a daily basis. Let me tell you, it gets a million times more awkward/frustrating/depressing when they try to talk to you about the topic assuming that you have at least some experience. If flubbing through the conversation doesn’t work and I know that I am acting extremely awkward, I’ll usually just tell them that I have never had a girlfriend before. I usually end up loosing a ton of respect from people around me, and they act differently around me. But at least I feel better getting that off my chest, and they don’t unknowingly ask you awkward questions. I find that they usually end up trying to help you out in your situation after they have time to digest the information. Maybe you could ask them to help you out a bit. I find co workers are really nice people who have your best intentions in mind.

 

As for class, I deal with it a bit different then you. I am not a very emotional person in public unless I get really mad. I usually end up trying to block it out like you, but sometimes you can’t. You can’t really pretend that sex doesn’t exist. It happens and a lot of people around our age have it on a regular basis. I just try to accept that when I am listening to these types of conversations. If the depressing feelings that I am wasting my life and I might never get a girlfriend come, I try to do an activity that will get my mind off of the feeling/ thought. It could be anything, working out helps me the most. Playing a hockey game helps too, even playing a video game for a couple of hours gets my head on straight. Just do something that gets your mind off the topic, I find crying about it only makes it much worse.

 

I am not going to say that you will find someone eventually. I have been telling myself that for many years and I hasn’t worked yet, so I can’t say that statement is true. What I can say is just try to get out more, meet new people and try to talk to more people you don’t know. I am going to a dance bar/ club tonight for the first time in my life. It is slowly working for me, I am finding I can carry on a decent conversation with the odd women now. So maybe one day I’ll get a girlfriend, and maybe you’ll get a boyfriend one day too. Just try to deal with that depression first.

[BronzedSkin123]

I find that most of my co-workers tend to be rather narcistic. If they do talk to me, they usually go on and on about themselves and never really seem all that interested in who I am. I'll try to give a little insight into who I am as a person but they don't even seem to be the least bit interested, they just go back to rambling about their life for as long as I'll listen.

 

I'm actually shocked when someone actually cares about what I have to say, and who I am as a person. Sometimes I don't even know what to say because it's so rare. Most people come to me just to talk about themselves.

 

So I tend to be a bit insecure and I am usually quiet. I figure people don't really care about anything I have to say if I did try to let them get to know me. I am friendly, and will joke with people but I don't tell them anything about me because I doubt they'd care. Maybe they don't think I am an interesting person, which really hurts my esteem

 

I dread going back to work because it can be so devestating. I already see girls making friends with the guys, and getting very acquainted with them. And I don't know how they do it. What are they doing that I am not? What should I say to a guy just to at least be a platonic friend with him? It's like I am missing something that everybody else has picked up on.

 

I wanted to cry when I saw this girl getting really acquainted with this guy I liked at work. I got very irritated and wanted to leave. I NEVER get the guy that I want or at least get him to want to be friends with me. I don't know how many times we crossed paths and he never thought to speak to me. I mean we spoke once but after that he never really cared to carry things out with me.

 

Oh well...I just felt like taking my own life. I just feel like a true waste of space. Just going on in life with no relationships, no intimacy, no nothing. I truly feel like I have no purpose

[yumicecream]

Look, I'VE BEEN THERE. This is what works: realize that the prince you're looking for just might never happen. And that its okay. Fairytales are for the delusional and for sissies. I just sit here and say to myself, "if I don't get the guys I'm actually attracted to, I'm not going to settle," and once in a far far blue moon a guy that I find attractive miiight ask me out. And maaaaaybe he'll even have a good personality. Thats all speculation though...really, you have to be happy with yourself. You get asked out when you're happy I've noticed. I get asked out a lot in November b/c I get excited about the holidays. Some people get deppressed around this time, but its truly the happiest time of the year for me.

[BronzedSkin123]

What can I do so I wont be doomed to a life of singleness? My parents both feel very sorry for me, which makes me feel even more uncomfortable in my position

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Being single is not being doomed. You can have a full life without a partner. I see many married people who are doomed to a life of unhappiness because they married for the wrong reasons or married the wrong person. Better to be "doomed to be single" than "doomed to a miserable, empty marriage"

[BronzedSkin123]

Being single is not being doomed. You can have a full life without a partner. I see many married people who are doomed to a life of unhappiness because they married for the wrong reasons or married the wrong person. Better to be "doomed to be single" than "doomed to a miserable, empty marriage"

 

I'm not happy being single, I really think my life would be more fulfilled if I found somebody. Unfortunately, I don't have good social skills when it comes to dating. And I feel like I am not living the life I deserve. I don't want these years to go by without dating or at least making guy friends.

 

my dad is disappointed in me. everyday he talks about how i am not normal and that by the time most girls reach my age they are either married or in a relationship. it gives me even more anxiety and stress i don't know what to do

[yumicecream]

I went through this phase. It will be over soon enough. Your life is your life and no one elses. If you let your parents dictate and predict the course of your life, then who are you? Stop stressing about it...when YOU feel the time is right and the circumstances are workign with you, it will be right. Int he meantime, have as much fun as you can.

[BronzedSkin123]

I went through this phase. It will be over soon enough. Your life is your life and no one elses. If you let your parents dictate and predict the course of your life, then who are you? Stop stressing about it...when YOU feel the time is right and the circumstances are workign with you, it will be right. Int he meantime, have as much fun as you can.

 

I can't. every single day my dad keep grinding to my mother about how I don't have much of a life to him. It won't stop, even if I talk to him about it. He keeps expressing the same dissappointment saying that my life is sad & that he cannot imagine being like me when he was younger. I don't even think completing nursing school will be enough. And I look at my younger neice and nephews and envy them, because they may have the life that my dad thought I should have had..being outgoing, lots of friends and boyfriends..they may even be married by my age

[yumicecream]

Eh, if you can't separate yourself from your past (your parents), you will never have a future. This doesn't mean hate your parents, it means fighting for your own independence and sense of self through financial autonomy. Get a job you love and will work hard for and earn money. Trust me, my parents are the same way, probably ten thousand times worse.

[android]

hey bronzed skin..well i dont know if i'm saying the right thing here... but well, lets just go about this k.. Sex and love isnt everything.. come on.. You heard of the phrase "love happens"? Its not like you go around being frustrated saying that i dont have a boy friend and try to find one. He comes... And after that you wont even realize you're going in a relationship..sex.. everything... Dont think of it as something that you have not had and that this is the age to have it and stuff... instead believe that yours is special and coming in a bit later... you dont have to be so negative and dull about it.. your similar to my best friend. She was really upset about sex being discussed in her class and workplace.. it was kinda complicated. She kept trying out different people, and she didnt allow herself time to think. She fell into an abusive relationship in the end. well i loved her, i never told her..

 

so just take it lightly. dont be desperate about sex or about loving. when you feel sad, just think that the right one has to come and when the right one comes you wouldnt find enough audience to tell your story. trust me... keep that chin up girl. you'll be alright...

[android]

and lastly if you do have people around you who have only sex that they talk about, then they are weird, not you.. so dont be afraid to be the odd one...

 

and about this, "I'm not happy being single, I really think my life would be more fulfilled if I found somebody. Unfortunately, I don't have good social skills when it comes to dating. And I feel like I am not living the life I deserve. I don't want these years to go by without dating or at least making guy friends.

 

my dad is disappointed in me. everyday he talks about how i am not normal and that by the time most girls reach my age they are either married or in a relationship. it gives me even more anxiety and stress i don't know what to do"

 

maybe you should just live your life and not bother about others....?

[android]

sns256 i hope you would read my post too...write in if there is anything i can say to help you guys k?

[yumicecream]

android, why didn't you just tell your best friend about how you felt?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

In my 20's I felt like you...but you know what, over the years I saw the desperate marriges people made, the divorces, the unhappy marriages, the bitterness and resentment of people who have been in unhappy marriages and got divorced, their desperation to grasp on to anyone the minute their marriage failed etc and I actually see myself as a lot happier than many of those people. I remained true to myself and didn't cave in to peer pressure...I didn't latch on to just anyone just so I could show family, friends and the world that I am what society deems as "normal"...I didn't embark on bad relationships just to escape myself...I wasn't desperate and I found my way on my own...and that is something to be proud of. Forget what family and friends say about what is supposedly "normal"...you chart your own course and to hell with everyone else.

[sns256]

Sorry I left immediately after I posted that and didn’t have time to check back.

 

BronzedSkin123

 

I am a quiet listener too. I am very insecure around people I don’t know. When I say that I have conversations with co workers, I mean after working with them for about a year before I am comfortable taking to them. Usually after that I can’t really keep my mouth shut, and I am the one starting a lot of the conversations. Unfortunately I have only worked in workplaces that 95% of the people are male, and I get very little chance to talk to women.

 

I get quite shocked when someone wants to talk to me too, it doesn’t happen often. Especially if it is a woman, it has only happened 2-3 times in my life. I usually sit there dumbfounded because I am just not used to it. I think that people might not think you are interesting is because you don’t tell them something about yourself, and you end up in a viscous cycle. I think just tell them one little thing about yourself when the opportunity arises, it will set up future conversations. There is a lot of interesting things in your head, some people are bound to want to know about them.

 

I wish I knew what sociable people have that we don’t. I am trying to figure it out right now. I definitely know that I am missing something, and I think for myself it is just getting more experience talking to people and women in general. I know I never developed very good social skills throughout middle school and high school. I went to my first party when I was 21.

 

Back in August I was probably in the same mind set as you right now. I dreaded going to work because there was this really cute girl that I liked there. She would stare, smile at me and gave me all sorts of signs that she wanted me to talk to her. In fact she was the only girl ever to do things like that towards me. I didn’t even know these were signs until I started reading here. She even tried to start the odd conversation with me. Everyday I would tell myself that I would talk to her, but for whatever reason I just couldn’t. Eventually she got fed up trying to get me to initiate a conversation and had a disappointed look for me every time I saw her. I felt like absolute crap. I failed at something seemingly so basic for most people. Once I was finished that job at the end of August I finally realized that I am not going to grow out of this silly shyness and had to do something to improve myself. I am confident that I might actually be able to initiate a conversation now. I am still trying to get better, and have a long way to go.

 

What I am trying to say is that you should try to identify exactly what makes you fail at getting a boyfriend, or making platonic friends. Work on those issues. Be realistic on your goals too. I can’t expect to immediately have great conversations with random women, and a date still scares the heck out of me. With enough work and time I hope that will be enough for me to get a girlfriend. I am not sure if this method will work for you, but that is what I am trying to do.

 

I get really jealous too sometimes, especially from cousins, and even my sister. I am the oldest child out of my entire family, by at least two years. My sister (20) went on 4 dates this past week with three different guys. Even my youngest 14 year old cousin has started dating. Family functions really suck too because everyone brings there girlfriend/ boyfriend. Then my aunts and uncles keep asking me why I don’t have a girlfriend yet. It is really awkward, and it makes me feel like a failure. All my other accomplishments, like elite sports career or my multiple academic scholarships, mean nothing. It always comes down to me never having a girlfriend before. My parents are not on my case as much as yours. I might get a couple of comments a year. I do know that my Mom is disappointed that I haven’t had a girlfriend yet, but she doesn’t rag on me for it. She realizes how my past has affected my relationships with people. I am pretty sure that my Dad thinks I am gay, just because I haven’t had a girlfriend before. He avoids all those types of conversation. I know it is really hard to block those people out. You might need to move out of your parents’ house to get away from it. Just remember that everyone goes at a different pace.

 

I am well aware of the feeling of living for the sake of living. You have to find something that is going to take your mind off of those thoughts. A relationship is not the answer, because your judgment is not going to pick a suitable partner when you are in that state of mind. I know we are not happy being single but we are not going to be happy either if we pick someone that is wrong for us either. Pick a hobby and engulf yourself in it. Just remember you don’t need someone to fulfill your life. A relationship enhances your life, and sometimes makes it worse. Just some of us need to work at it.

 

android

 

Thanks android. I agree that we shouldn’t think about things that we haven’t done yet at so and so age. But it is really really hard to block things like that out when we are constantly bombarded with the images of what we don’t have, or never experienced. Having dreams nearly every night about things like kissing and sex are frustrating too. Even just dreaming about holding a girls’ hand can make me really happy until I wake up and realize that it is just a dream.

 

I don’t think just sitting around saying that it will come eventually will work. There has to be a little bit of urgency solving these problems so when the time comes we are ready. I mean, I know I am 22 and never kissed a girl yet. It doesn’t mean I am going out on Friday night saying I am going to kiss someone. Sitting around waiting for it is not the answer either.

 

I know I am a long way from getting a girlfriend. My rough goal is by the time I reach 25. I’ll probably be finished school, have a job, and move out of my parents’ house before I’ll feel comfortable enough. If I get a girlfriend before that great, if it takes me longer so be it. If I never get a girlfriend in my lifetime so be it. At least I know I didn’t sit around waiting for it to happen like I have for the last decade of my life, because from my experience waiting doesn’t work.

 

Sorry for the really long post.