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Confront or let this go?


BetterBlade

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My bf told me he got up around 4 in the morning, couldn't sleep, puttered around and then went back to bed. Thought nothing of it until a friend called me in hysterics because she found out her husband was answering CE ads on craigs. Comforting her, I went out of curiosity and plugged in bf's neighborhood and age. And up popped an invitation to "chat" on AIM for ladies that was placed at 4:13 a.m.

 

 

 

I answered the ad from a fake email and heard nothing. Now ad has been taken down. I have no proof but gut says this was my bf. Similar writing style, neighborhood and age match. But without proof, can I confront? Do I have to leave it alone?

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you should let this go. You have no proof that it was him. You don't even know he was on craig's list or AIM last night.

 

I do know he was on AIM last night, he told me he "played around with his computer" then went to bed. But yes, since my email was not answered and ad is gone, I cannot say for certain he was on CL.

 

I am just concerned because he has been acting weird ever since I showered him with gifts on his bday. I feel bad now, my gut says it was him but I have no proof.

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i don't know - maybe he put the ad up to chat.... and then after thinking about it, decided it wasn't the right thing to do and took it down? of course, this is all speculation.... you don't even know if it was him!

 

I think he thinks I am a pushover and uninteresting to talk to. I don't know. I was real hurt in my past relationship, I guess I put a lot of pressure to do everything right. People have told me not to worry, that if it is him, I will find out, but he once told me that he is very good at keeping secrets.

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Put this one behind you. But maybe the other weird behaviour IS telling you something - are you thinking of any weird behaviour in particular?

 

I posted a couple days ago. I got him a LOT of gifts for his bday and he was really weird about it. Most people here said I did too much and should scale down for Christmas. Ever since then, he's just been strange, not as affectionate, but still coming to see me, calling every day, but idk, it feels like he's doing more cause he feels like he has to not that he wants to.

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You've been concerned about more things lately, haven't you? I seem to remember a post about the gifts, but also about his friends getting him a card to call some sex line? I think that it COULD be the case that things are moving a bit too fast for him. In any case, you will have to talk to him about this. Not necessarily about what you found, that would maybe get the conversation starting off from the wrong foot, but maybe you can find out where he stands.

 

I think that deep down, what makes you insecure in all these little things (neither of them are really big things, but this last one is a bit tricky), is that they make you feel as if there is a side to him that is not so committed to you, a side that is curious about life apart from what you have together. That doesn't necessarily mean the end of things, it could just be that you need to take it a bit slower.

 

I hope this helps.

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Thank you arwen, yes that makes sense. I do not mind it going slower. He talked about marriage and kids a little while ago that to be honest overwhelmed me. Before me, he had one big relationship in his life and she cheated and dumped him. She is now marrying the man she dumped him for and he has been thru a lot of other girls non-seriously. He says since her I am the only one that he felt strongly about, but yes, I do feel like for him, there is a side that isn't so committed but feels like I will always be there. But I can't do that not after my last relationship.

 

I do not how to do this talk really. I can leave the ad out of it since I have no proof, but how do I say to a person who says "I love you" all the time "Hey, part of me thinks you really don't love me but you know I won't cheat and hurt you like you last gf"?

 

I am really sad. All I want is someone to love me for me. It is hard to find.

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Sometimes it can feel uncomfortable when another person gives us a load of gifts because it seems like a kind of bribe, or instils a sense of obligation or guilt. (btw, I've just read your other post!)

 

If he isn't that used to getting gifts, the stuff you gave him will likely feel overwhelming. It could also seem like an implied criticism of his family and everyone else who didn't give him anything, or seem as though you were pitying him in some way - certainly one of your responses makes it sound like that.

 

Most of us, even if we don't have a lot of cash, like to retain a sense of pride; and well-intentioned giving from another person can really undermine that, even if that really wasn't what you intended to do.

 

Also I'm wondering if you're feeling very uncomfortable with the situation because you had hoped for one kind of response and are getting something very different. This will very likely lead to YOU feeling insecure.

 

Time will tell whether your gut feelings are correct or not. If he's feeling that you're trying to 'buy' him with all those gifts, though, confronting him about the CL ad will not help at all. Especially if he's totally innocent!

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I am really sad. All I want is someone to love me for me. It is hard to find.

 

Strange to say, but stop trying so hard! Think about your feelings for your partner, rather than worrying about their feelings for you and wanting to change/manipulate or otherwise affect these. Let yourself know that you are utterly lovable, and worthy of the very best life has to offer! Don't look to someone else to validate you.

 

It's one of those cruel ironies that if we go into a relationship not being very needy, we are likely to get our needs (and we all have some!) met.

 

It sounds as though you're in a very painful place right now, and I feel for you.

 

Good luck!

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I see what you are saying. It is sad, though. I didn't want to make him feel bad. And I don't give to get, it is against what I believe. When I was with my ex, I got him something he really wanted - the Seinfeld last season boxed set, and some other stuff. He got me a CD, but it was a CD that I had been trying to find for months and couldn't, and he researched and tracked it down! To me, that was worth ALL the gifts I gave him because he put the time and effort in to get me something he knew I would appreciate.

 

I don't know, I understand what you say and what others said in my thread. I can see how I maybe went overboard. But it really makes me feel resentful if he feels like I am trying to buy his love or something or pity him. He is going thru a tough time with his dad and I only wanted to make it better, because I felt that's what people in relationships do. It is sort of exhausting to have to wonder if everything you do will be taken out of context. Maybe the CL ad is him, maybe it's not, but I wasn't trying to be a showoff or say his family was awful or anything. I love him and wanted to get him nice things because to me he is worth it, and it makes me sad and frustrated to think that he might be seeing this in a different light.

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I think that seeing your ex that cheated on you getting married to the one he cheated on you with is really painful. My ex is/was (I sometimes hear stories from others) with the other woman for a long time, right after we broke up definitely- and in a way it's still painful. But just when I think about it- it's not normally occupying my thoughts at all. Which makes me wonder: how long is it ago that he and the ex broke up, when will she be marrying the other guy, and at which point in the time in between did you two get together?

 

(((hugs)))

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I think that seeing your ex that cheated on you getting married to the one he cheated on you with is really painful. My ex is/was (I sometimes hear stories from others) with the other woman for a long time, right after we broke up definitely- and in a way it's still painful. But just when I think about it- it's not normally occupying my thoughts at all.

 

I am sorry. I agree it must be hard. My ex was a real bad guy and I try hard not to think about him, but it can be difficult some times.

 

Which makes me wonder: how long is it ago that he and the ex broke up, when will she be marrying the other guy, and at which point in the time in between did you two get together?

 

(((hugs)))

 

He just turned 26. He was dumped while they were in last year of college, so it's been 4 years since they broke up and we met and started dating last December.

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If you start digging a hole, one way or another you've eventually going to find something. Be careful how carefully you strive to confirm or deny your suspicions, because your current state of mind will show through in your body language and your significant other will notice, possibly subconsciously, and will often retreat.

 

Look, most peoples insecurity spawns from the loss of control they experience when they date someone. I want you to reread the following sentences over and over until it is BURNED in your mind.

  • You cannot control another persons behavior
  • You are not responsible for another persons behavior and actions

The most important thing you can do is just let him be. If he is going to cheat, he is going to cheat and you will find out. Quit LOOKING for the problems and start focusing on being a good partner. Good partners do not worry and stress behind backs about whether they bought the right present. Good partners do not check computer records to see if they logged into an adult site.

 

Trust is something that should initially be granted unconditionally, and not earned. It is eroded by poor behavior, and regained by communication, time, and good behavior.

 

It is not your responsibility to figure out if he is cheating or going to cheat, it is your responsibility to be a good partner. Focus on that. That's all that matters. You will find you are much happier when you realize that you do not control the outcome of someone cheating. That is not something you control.

 

I'll demonstrate my trademark cruelty now by noting that I would probably have dumped you by now. You're giving him creepy vibes because most communication occurs under the radar. You'll be giving him all these signs, and crikey, its probably why he is having trouble sleeping!

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