How do you get past husbands multiple affairs?

[jc1214]

About 2 months ago my H confessed to an affair. At first he told me it was a one night stand with an old girlfriend and the reason he was telling me was that she got pregnant. I totally came unglued...we have been married for almost 5 years and I seriously thought we had a good relationship. I asked if it was something in our marriage and he said no...it was just him being a jerk. I went on to ask if there were other women and he said no.

 

To make a very long story short...I kept having this feeling that he was lying. After reading about liars, I came to the conclusion that he was hiding something. He finally came out with all of it 2 months after he initailly told me. He has been cheating on me since we were dating...before we got married. He has lied to my face sooooooooooooo many times I cant count. And, he was so successful at living his double life that I never had a clue. I mean, looking back there were red flags everywhere, but I trusted him and nothing was blatantly obvious that he was cheating.

 

After telling me some of the most horrible things a person can ever do to their spouse (his mistress has been to all of my houses that we lived in...like 3...he has had sex in my bed with other women, he has a child with another woman 3 weeks older than our daughter, he cheated on me while I was pregnant with his twins that I ended up loosing 7 months into the pregnancy as well as when I was pregnant with our daughter we have now, his friends and family know about his double life because he works with his best friends...singing...and his brother and mom know at least about him getting the other woman pregnant but havent said anything to me or him about it)...I mean the list goes on and on.

 

He has humiliated and embarrassed me out in public...he is a singer so is always singing at events and places and has totally lived it up while at work. And the lying!!!! I think that is the thing that strikes me the most...even more than the other women! He has lied to my face and played the role of "great husband" to the t. Im actually sitting here in shock at how I could be so decieved and he could be sooooooooooooooooooo corrupt for 5 years!

 

Ok....so if he hadnt told me I would never have known...or I might have found out but this has been going on for 5 years so he probably could have kept it going and if anyone told me anything he would have denied it and I would have believed him. So, his reason for telling me all this * * * * and coming out with all of it is because he says he is tired of that life. He wants to be the man I always thought he was and wants to have a good family and relationship...the kind I am capable of creating (and thought I had.) He has begged my forgiveness...let me swear and yell and cry and call him every name in the book. I tell him its no use that I just dont trust him....but he wants a chance to let him show me he is changing his ways. I cant even relate to him right now becuase I could never do the things he has done to me and look at myself in the mirror in the morning, but why else would he tell me "everything"...there is A LOT...if he didnt want to try and be something better.

 

I dont know what to do...I love him....or at least loved who I thought he was. We spend almost everyday all day long together and have a lot of fun...I guess that is what hurts the most...the companionship will be lost. It has been a "good" 5 years...from what I knew of our life. We have a 1 yr. old baby. Right now Im staying to save money to leave and be on my own so I told him he can try and show me anything he wants until then. I dont know how it could ever work out but then again I have a thread of respect left for him for telling me before I found out somewhere else. I will always be thankful he told me the truth in the end. I know most men wouldnt...its been hard for him to come out with what a horrid person he is and what he has done. My obvious reaction is to leave no thought about it and the majority of people would do the same...

Would you give him a chance after time if you loved him and had a life and a child with him and he wants a chance to be something better? And yes, he is an ass!

[shikashika]

Ok, i'm finding your post really hard to read because its just one long rambling paragraph...

 

I don't get why you love him? he sounds like an ass!

[rosephase]

what an awful thing to be going thru. In the end it looks like he has left the power in your hands. I would take a good long time to think about it personally. As well as thinking about your little girl and what you want for her.

You said his family and friends new about this? How?

[AmIafool]

I think I would want to leave, too. This is a very huge and deep betrayal. Why couldn't he wait to settle down after he got all this out of his system? He can't expect you to just somehow get over this and move on. He has dumped a huge load of cr*p on you, and you will ever be the same again. Ever. Your relationship will never be the same, even if you decide to stay with him. And if you do decide to stay, you should absolutely get counseling. He has some deep rooted problems, things in his psyche that cause him to behave this way.

 

This is a huge violation of trust. You will always wonder if you can trust him, especially given his job. You'll know he's continuously meeting lots of new people, including potential other women. You'll be a nervous wreck when he's off on a gig.

 

Does he really want to change his ways? He was hoping to reveal just the one woman because he got her pregnant. It took you two months to drag the whole, ugly truth out of him. It would take a lot of therapy for him to really change his spots. I don't blame you for wanting to leave.

[redhearts]

File for divorce, adultery on his part. I mean he cheated on you, not only that but the result had another baby with this woman while he was married to you? Are you kidding me? You should of packed your bags and left, or kicked him out of the house. This man is not trustworthy, he will lie again, and again. He does not deserve you and disrespected you one too many times.

[My Advice]

Get rid of this guy. He's a major loser and is not worth your time. How could you ever trust him again? Being honest is sometimes not enough. If you choose to stay with him then you need to remember you have half the responsibility when he does this again. If you can accept that he will continue to cheat but will probably remain with you (though there is always a certain chance he might run off with somebody though it doesn't sound likely) then by all means stay if you think he is that worth it (which he isn't). But I am pretty confident he doesn't have enough respect for you to be in a relationship.

 

Tough words to hear but I would be dishonest if I was optimistic about this situation.

[littlestar]

One affair can possibly be forgiven with a lot of hard work and dedication and even then things wont be the same.

But mulitple affairs indicates to me this man is a serial cheater, and doesnt know when to stop.

It's hard when you love someone who hurts you but i think you need to look at what is there to love about this person and do you really love him or the fantasy of being in love with him or you're in love with the person he isnt, you're refusing to see reality as it is.

 

I dont want to sound harsh but its a reality i have lived through.

[Notreadyet87]

It's hard at this point, because as you said the relationship seemed healthy. He was honest about it. And says he wants to change. Obviously being clean and telling you he wants to stop, is a step in the right direction. BUT at the time, since he's been cheating for so long, it seems that he may NOT be able to remain faithful to you--no matter how much he claims to love you. You have to ask yourself, how a man could love you, have babies with you, and marry you, yet cheat, humiliate you, impregnate other women, and do so for a LONG period of time.... If he felt that he LOVED you through that, then he has some CLEAR issues. I just question and wonder if he CAN really change, and if his "love" for you at this point is enough.

At the same time, I believe that even the worse situations can be salvaged if BOTH people are willing to work at it.

In other words, he MUST SHOW you now that he is willing to change. No more words. It's action time. He needs to go get counseling. He needs to commit completely to you.

He needs to prove that you can trust him.

And in the meantime you HAVE to be willing to forgive him. If you can't, then it won't work.

That means that you have to also work with him, in trying to get pass this. And NO I don't mean pretend like it didn't happen, or try to "forget" about it. I mean you NEED to constantly address this issue with him. Go to counseling with him. And get counseling yourself.

Another thing is prayer. I don't know if your religious but praying about marital issues everyday may help your situation.

If you REALLY want it to work, it can. But it's going to take an extreme amount of work.

You need to ask yourself if it's worth it. If it is, then go for it.

If you don't think you can forgive him, then don't even tell him that you'll give him another chance. Just tell him it's over.

In other words, think hard.

[lady00]

If it were me, no, I could not give the person a chance. Not after all of that. I would never trust him again and I would be paranoid all the time. Not worth it. There are people out there who can love you and respect you too and even if there are not, you need to ask yourself if you would truly be happier being with him or being alone. And also, there is the risk of STDs. I would get checked because even if he is STD-free there are some things that men can pass on that cannot be tested for in men but that women can get and that can be problematic.

[Beatrice]

I am soooooo sorry to hear what you are going through, I know about betrayal of trust through affairs and it is really really hard. I would say, really take care of yourself now. I cannot give you advice on leaving or not, (personally I don't think I could go on), but I do feel it is very important to find help for yourself to handle this, and to not start thinking something is wrong with you etc. and to get help with the trust issue...

 

I feel deeply for you, and wish you a lot of strength, God bless you and heal you

 

Beatrice

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>I mean the list goes on and on.

 

That's your big problem. This isn't a little slip, this is a lot of adultery, and it produced a child.

 

If you stay, you are going to have to accept this child, and he may eventually want this child to come spend weekends and holidays at your house. He will also have to pay child support to this child. Can you live with that?

 

I also wouldn't be so quick to say it is noble that he told you, because the child is such pure evidence of the affair. Sooner or later you would have found out anyway. Perhaps the only reason he is telling you is that his paramour threatened to tell you first, or was about to lauch a paternity suit, so he told you as damage control.

 

The only way a marriage can overcome this type of problem is thru marriage counseling, so i suggest you make an appointment with a counselor and insist he go with you, and that you also see an individual counselor for a while to help make the decision over whether this is something you can live with or not.

 

My honest opinion is that if he is that blatantly cheating with multiple partners, he is either a narcissist or a sex addict. If he is a sex addict, he could possibly get treatment, but if he's a narcissist, he will never change. The fact that he was willing to bring these women home for sex in your own bed makes me think this is deeper than just sex addiction, and he is so flagrant in his disrespect for you that if it were me i wouldn't put up with it.

 

And perhaps he is cultivating you now because his other woman (mother of his other child) has left him, and he knows if you leave him he will be stuck paying two separate child support checks a month, and nowhere for himself to live comfortably with the amount of money he will have left after paying you both. If that's the case, he could pacify you for a while in order to preserve his lifestyle, but as soon as you start to relax, he could sneak off cheating again.

[tangi39]

I agree with BeStrong.

 

I really think it is in everyone's best interest to tell him, not ask him- Tell him, he needs to move out- right away.

Don't worry about him- He certainly showed no regard for you, your needs, feelings or concerns.

I really don't think he is capable of changing at this point.

And even if he were, that an awful LOT of betrayal to get over !

I really don't see how you can ever trust him again.

I say kick him out pronto, hire a lawyer and never look back.

 

Let him lie in the bed of deceit and hate that he made for himself.

Time for him to Pay the Piper.

[nomoreaffairs]

Hi, and my husband started out the same way your husband has and that was 20 years ago. Your husband will not change and when you let this go--he will be even worse--as somehow in their twisted minds--it gives them a license to play around even more. My mom told me 19 years ago--that dogs do not change their spots and she was right--I just didn't want to hear it. My husband was also a great husband and father but he had a hidden life that was unbelievable. He even got a vasectomy so that he couldn't get anyone pregnant--yeah--he had a scare from one of his many affairs. You know they say where there is one rat there are thousands that you don't see. Your husband has probably been with many more women that he can count--he only wanted to tell you about the one that he thought you might find out about. Believe me cheaters aren't going to tell you anymore than they have to---THEY ARE LIARS. At first I blamed myself--I didn't pay enough attention to him--didn't give him enough sex or the kind of sex he wanted--didn't compliment him enough and the list goes on. Now I realize this is his problem--he is the one that made the choice to have the affairs. I just wish that I had not been so stupid and forgiving--and I would not be with him right now. The last affair he had was the worst--he just said he was unhappy and didn't love me the way that he used to. He denied any affair--even after I caught him through his cell phone--yes it can be used as a tracking device. He finally admitted it after the womans husband found out and was going to kill my husband. I found out that it was much more involved than I could ever imagine. My husband bought her gifts--her children gifts--took her to dinners out--the mall--all kinds of different stores--of course to motels--stayed away from home on his motorcycle--and yes asked for a divorce. I did file but never followed through--yeah--I am stupid---and now my husband thinks that everything should just go back to normal. He has threatened suicide but that is bull--he has done that everytime. This time was different--he put me through hell for 5 monthes--all the while he was out having a great time with that--w---e. I am trying to figure this out in my mind still and it has been since last November that I caught him. He is purely a sex addict and that is that. I am going to try to make since of it all and go on with my life--but it is hard when you are older and been in such a long marriage. Please, don't stay with this man or you will end up like me---older and alone--at least for now anyway. PLEASE, TAKE MY ADVICE--YOUR HUSBAND WILL NEVER CHANGE--PLEASE REMEMBER THAT.

[arcadefire]

The best advice is to gather as much evidence as you can about his adultery, hire a great divorce attorney, and file for a divorce asap. Let him know that he needs to pay for child support and that he will live for the consequences of his selfish and self serving habits.

 

I would never stay one minute longer with a cheater because the lying, betrayal, risk of getting STDs, deceit, immorality, sinful behavior, etc. is not worth bringing into your life, willingly if you stay with him.

 

He has been cheating for so long, and it was only after one of his whor-s got pregnant that he decided to tell you. What a disrespectful man. To even be cheating on you while dating and then to marry you etc. is just so wrong to you. And cheating on you with multiple slu-s. That's just disgusting.

 

Kick him to the curb like the garbage he is. He won't change for you. He hasn't since day 1.