spatzcolumbo Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 you're STILL at the office....GET HOME NOW...i never stay past 5 unless i really have to Anyway, glad you're feeling better, now stick with it and wait for her contact - you know it will happen... Link to comment
bexcelant Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 You guys going back and forth is sheer agony but I can relate. I did the same thing but I did no contact for 4 months and then reinitiated contact. Well she's still dating the other guy but she met with me for dinner...it's like she wants me in her life somewhat but when I called her yesterday and she was sorta nonchalant about it. She had to get a call and she said she'd call me back (which she never did)....so I have decided to go back into the deep freeze until she calls me. This is the beginning of the first set. Bex Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Ok guys, i'm starting to work on my game plan for the next couple of weeks. Today i've sent off a birthday card and present (nothing major just a CD i know she will like). She should receive it a few days before her birthday and she will know it is from me, so she may well text me when she gets it. I'm thinking about what Beec said the other day about 'v v slowly increasing contact' and that she has to do some of this increasing. Well hopefully, receving the small parcel will give her a good enough reason to contact me. If she doesn't then i am still undecided whether i will contact her before her birthday or not. If not, then i will probably either message or call her on her birthday. Probably call, as i figured its a good excuse to call, and i can do it during the day (assuming she will be heading out that night). This means that i will be at work, which gives the ideal reason for keeping it short and light. It also means that i can't get in to anything heavy about 'us'. I'm thinking if she has met someone else, then they are likely to be going out for a meal that night. I'll ask her what her plans are for the evening, and see what she says...if she is secretive about it then i guess i can assume its something she doesn't want me to know!? Right, so i'm hoping that the card, and a short call on the day will raise the game a bit - hopefully leading to more light contact afterwards. I'm hoping to find out then whether she is still coming home at Easter, which will be in about 3 weeks i think. If she IS coming back at Easter, then i hope i can manage to refrain from going overboard. I want HER to do the chasing. Ideally i will be able to get to the stage where she wants to meet up for drinks, and SHE asks. Even if she feels it is just as friends. From here, i figure i need to take it easy, and try to get this to happen a couple of times - make her comfortable with how well we can get on. I know that she does not have that many good friends at home, and so hopefully this will work in my favour. Obviously, if i get to this stage, i have to play it right in terms of the balance between friendly and flirty. *IF* i get that balance right, and things seem good, then i need to figure out whether i keep going in the hope that it will lead to more, or whether i 'withdraw' the friendship on the grounds that i want more. The problem i face is whether i will be able to get to that stage - whether she will actually call me to go out for drinks. Because there is obviously still the chance that she HAS met someone else, in which case this whole plan kinda goes out the window!! I also face the problem of finding out whether she has someone new - i can not ask directly, but i guess it may be something that comes up in conversation. How soon do i reveal my hand - that i still want her back. Do i still reveal this hand if i find out she is with someone else? When we were together she was very reluctant to meet up with her ex, and found it difficult when she did so. I know that our relationship meant a LOT more to her, so i can not assume that if she wants to meet up that its a good thing in the way i want it to be. I am also unsure how normal it is to meet up with an ex from a very serious relationship if she is now with someone else. Link to comment
Stingseed Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Hello Guys I am heart broken. I need advice with ex-girlfriiend the no-contact of sort and stuff This is what happen. I meet her year and half ago. We fell deeply in love well the usual as you guys may know. At the end of January she comes out saying that she has done something horrible and that i am going to hate for it. (Don't get her wrong she loves me very much). Well anyways she came out saying that she cheated on me with some guy she knew for some monhs. Well the usual happen she said she was sorry, and that she still loved me. The thing is that she fell so deeply in love with me that she never had the chance to meet other people thereforeeee was one of the reasons for getting close to this guy. The other reason is that she said I was to jealous and not financially stable. Which I agree. I know that I must show her that these faults are corrected so that she can remember the guy she fell in love with and remember the good times we had. but the thing is this other guy she is seeing is getting in the way ( ohh what to do what to do?). Don't get me wrong even though she is seeing this guy to this day she still calls me reason being she need to talk to me. Somtimes she just calls my office is as if she is afraid I will not answer the cell. I guess cause I tried to play the no-contact thing but at the most I last is about 2 or 3 days me being the one to returns her calls( the dreaded call back it is). I asked if she wnas to lose me for good. her reply was no never that I am not going to lose her. I asked her if the reason she is still telling she loves me and wants me in any way a soft way of telling me she does not want to see me no more? she says no. I am saying it cuae i mean it. I asked her Are you having a difficult time in finding the words to let me go for good and thereforeeee the reason you keep calling me? she said no. I call cause I wanna talk to you. These are some questions I have asked her there are 2 ro 3 more which I will post later. The thing is that she calls me, work and cell and when we do talk we still some of the nice little cute conversations we always have had and I do still make her laugh and whatnot. but her is the twister. I have asked her to go out and she always says maybe and never does. I tell her if she loves me, calls me, tells me she don't wanna lose me, then way can't we go out to dinner or concerts. her response is she is not ready yet, and apologizes for putting me through all of this. She is still very open with me even telling me she was afraid she might be pregant with his baby which it turns out she is not(thank god)at one point she told me she is not to serious with the guy she is seeing and that he is not serious with her cause they have only have been seeing each other for 3 months 2 months of it being behind my back. but that she still needs to see other people which drives me crazy, but I don't show here that emotion I just try to talk about it and tell her that I love her and ask why is she adding this confusing to herself and to comeback to me. I know I must be nagging her to death with all the questions I have asked her, but the reason I do it is to make sure she still loves me, does not want to lose me and most important is to make sure she is not being nice to me just to not hurt my feeling anymore. 2 weeks ago I convinced her not to go another date, and went on further I said that we should seriously try to work things out, and that I am the only man she needs. guess what she said? that i am right and that we should try, but 2 days later she changed her mind saying that even though she is seeing someone that there is another person that she wants to date thereforeeee saying she need to see other people not to mention that. This has been going for 4 weeks now everytime I seem to get close it seems I am getting further. One last final thing when i suggest to see her at work she tells me not to so she can miss me more.(what am I doing wrong?). Well guys I do want to get back with her very badly I am deeply in love with her but I have made some mistakes in doing so. Can you help me? She is with someone but not in love, she feels she need to date but she still calls me, does the no-contact rule apply here? or is it to late. please reply...... Link to comment
Out to sea Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Please look at my reply to you in Gary79's post, hope it is of some help to you. Link to comment
Michael2 Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Cut her LOOSE Sting. She will only hurt you. Stating that she never had a chance to experience others, give me a break. She should have had some dignity and respect for you by breaking things off instead of banging someother guy behind your back like that. Secondly she is stringing you along, because she thinks that if things fail with this new guy, she can come back to you. This is a puppet game. Take it from me. Leave her alone, dont talk to her. Stop answering her calls. If she truly loves you she will dump the other and concentrate on you. Link to comment
fantasia2004 Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Can't you people play a little golf for a while or bowling? Link to comment
Stingseed Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 This is a puppet game. Take it from me. Leave her alone, dont talk to her. Stop answering her calls. If she truly loves you she will dump the other and concentrate on you. I see what you mean. I know that love is blind but in this case it has not blinded me. I agree with all but the puppet thing. I talked to her about over and over again tot he point I annoyed her about it. She is confused about who to be with. She is not dragging me along I have made sure, she just misses me, but like you said when she snaps out of it she will have to make choice. There is something I failed to add She let me know she cheated on me after she thought I was cheating on her. Which I did not. One more thing when is the no-contact rule to much in my case? Link to comment
Stingseed Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Not retuning her calls is something I should have done 3 weeks ago. You are right Michael. I have notice that the more I come in contact with her the more it seem I am pushing her away. I know she still loves me to some point. I can tell when I called her sunday night and mentioned we should get back together and work things out which she said she is going to try. She started to tear up an cry. She also started to cry and gave me a sense that she did not want me to go when I also told her that I might have to move to Texas from Miami for about 3 months. Link to comment
Stingseed Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Question for you michael I will not call her, or go visit her in her job which she suggested not to visit so she can miss me more. Why would she say that? And I know she cheated on me but thats why she broke it off cause she was so mad at herself for doing so not to mention she was seeing this guy for about 2 months be fore she sleep with him. please reply.. Link to comment
determined Posted March 4, 2004 Author Share Posted March 4, 2004 Well have had a bit of an emotional kidney shot. Was speaking to my best friend at my uni city (Newcastle), He told me he was walking with his gf and saw my ex with her new loser, he doesn't live there so he must have travelled to see her!!! She told me she wouldn't be haviing him to Newcastle out of respect for me???? Then she has this idiot come and stay with her, felt and still do feel quite devasted by this even though I knew it was going to happen? How should I deal with this and I am using this to have a serious go at no contact, I'm sick of this up and down bull that haunts my life, why can't I just ....i dunno.....stop feeling like this, I love her with all my heart but she continues to effect my way of thinking. God knows what will happen when I return to my uni town and she's there in Sept, I'm dreading it, hearing about her is bad enough but to see her with this gimp will probably destroy me.....but it shouldn't...I should be thinking, you stupid idiot. You left me for an absolute loser (druggy, unemployed stupid Irish fool), you're screwing up your degree (she told me she handed in work which was half done and late when she's normally a top mark girl) because your spending time spaced out with benefits boy and she's talking of not going back to London when she graduates (she's a fashion student, here in the UK if you don't take your fashion degree to work in London then you may aswell not have done one, this is partially due to the fact the druggy says he hates London, well yeah he would, you can be unemployed anywhere and London is not the [place to do it!!) Ahhhh the anger is now flowing like wine from the vineyards of France!!!!! Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Determined, i feel for ya, i know its hard. But can i just point you back to this thread a week ago and ask you to find your messages...you were doing so well - your messages were coming less and less often, and you were obviously doing stuff to keep your mind off things. Anything you DID post was positive and sounded happy. Think about the stuff you were doing then, and try to get back to it (hahaha even if that means staying in the office til 7 ) Anyway, i know this is a pointless thing to say, but September is a long way off, and a lot can change between now and then. Post here any time you need to moan. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 By the way Beec, Geecee, Determined, For those of you who read my 'gameplan', so far all is on track. She got the birthday stuff taht i sent her, and as i hoped, sent me a message this morning saying "thankyou so much...can't believe i have to wait for a few days til i can open it X" So this is good, as its her its kinda her initiating, even if it was in reply to getting her post!! But anyway, it fits in with my game plan so i'm happy!! Link to comment
determined Posted March 4, 2004 Author Share Posted March 4, 2004 Spatz So you don't think I should take this as a huge knock back, hurtful or that she loves this guy???? more than me or feels for me??? I dunno mate, throwing myself in to the London dvertising scene to hide from all of this, praise and promotion doesn't seem to have much of an effect on me as I'm moving up quickly so I guess she is helping me in a weird inderect kinda of way "Hey sweet, thank you for all the hurt, I would never had become a director at the age of 25 had I not had the motivation of dstraction ha ha" Yeah I know, just the though he being there, sleeping in her bed, being intimate, makes me sick!!!!! With my job is a developing a sense of confidence and a little playful arrogance, now I'm developing principles, why should I settle for someone who did this to me and went with the scum of the earth, surely my standards should be higher...as her's should be???? But then I obviously truly love her which complicated that train of thought!!! Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 So you 'obviously truly love her which complicated that train of thought'....well is it not at least possible that she is also having her thoughts confused. At the end of the day you can not decide to stop feeling like this. you can decide to do things which will help you get on with it, but i think you are doing these things anyway. Just try not to think about the other guy. you know it won't do you any good!! Link to comment
majord23 Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 At the end of the day you can not decide to stop feeling like this. you can decide to do things which will help you get on with it, but i think you are doing these things anyway. Just try not to think about the other guy. you know it won't do you any good!! I could not say it any better than that. Determined, you have to try to avoid receiving any information about her. I know that it has its advantages (hearing bad stuff about the bf etc.), but it also has alot of disadvantages as well. Thinking that they *may* be spending time together is painful....knowing about it for sure is moreso. The worst thing you can do is react to anything your ex does or anything that you hear about her doing....reacting suggests you care, and you have to give the impression that you don't. Once you do that (which you are doing by the way), she will test the waters to get a reaction and some reassurance regarding your feelings. You shouldn't take it as a knockback. Sometimes we feel bad, so assume our situation is bad....when that isn't necessarily true. He spent the weekend in Newcastle with her...it was bound to happen, despite your thoughts and what she may have said. Remember, her words and actions don't correlate at the best of times Don't contact her, just continue doing what you're doing determined. Always keep in mind how it feels to contact her and then have to wait for her to reply....I know that you feel horrible right now, but waiting for a reply is even worse. Chin up bro Link to comment
Out to sea Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Hello Determined, Spatz and all posting here, I must get my 2 cents in at this point. Determined, I know how you must feel about this 'Irish .......' less of the Irish bit please, guy, the reason you are going along doing good and then feeling like crap when you hear news is because you are holding out for her to come around, now you do want that to happen but when this happened to me and it did, my ex started dating this idiot and I had to see him hanging around our area every day, I had to accept it and face the facts that she was with him for good. Now this was very hard for a week or two but once I'd given up the ghost of her I was a lot happier, even more happy than if I didn't know about him and didn't see them regularly and was waiting for her to come back. It took her six month's to come and say she wanted to get back with me. The reason it was better to accept that you won't get her back is because as long as you are waiting for her, even though you feel that you are doing well, you stop moving on, you are waiting and waiting, if you give it up and accept that she is gone, you really do stop waiting and in a while you will stop wondering what's going on cause you EXPECT her to be happy out with him. If you expect her to be happy out with him, hard and all as it is, you will accept it and finally start living again, and if she does come back to you, as my ex did, you will feel in a much better position to know whats best for you. If I didn't explain myself, please let me know. Link to comment
GeeCee Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Determined - you are having a bollocks of a day. Keep working hard - keep your train of thought focused. It is damned hard. You are doing fantastically well. We are all behind you. G xx Link to comment
determined Posted March 4, 2004 Author Share Posted March 4, 2004 I really appreciate this support guys, seems you care for me more than my ex!!!!! Feel a bit better trying to reason what you have all said, thanks Gee Cee, Mjord and Spatz, along with Francis, no more Irish digs, just.....AHHH I hate this guy, that's just a primitive male instinct, but he's such a mug. If she sticks with him then she's doomed, I can'really tell her that and unless she is as thick as.... then she wont realise it. Well her lose, just have to make sure I keep flying thanks again xxxx Link to comment
Beec Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Determined, I can't and won't try to predict whether she loves him and whather you will ever get another chance. But the damn thing about it is, I would not tell you to change your behavior if I knew you would get a shot or would not. I would tell you to do the same thing you have been doing. There's nothing else to do. If you react the way you are and she knows, then you are sunk. Try to be disaffected. In the mean time, make and enjoy the rest of your life. Good luck. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Hey Beec, good to have you back - not sure if you were posting yesterday? Any thoughts on my gameplan - its way back on p45 of security tennis....its got a bit lost amongst all the other posts!! Determined, follow what everyone says - keep living your life, keep going as you have been, remember how great you were doing. Cheers. Link to comment
Beec Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Hey Beec, good to have you back - not sure if you were posting yesterday? Any thoughts on my gameplan - its way back on p45 of security tennis....its got a bit lost amongst all the other posts!! Determined, follow what everyone says - keep living your life, keep going as you have been, remember how great you were doing. Cheers. not posting much, as work is busy. worse than that. your initial game plan is good. if you get the raises in contact, your attempt to jsut be friendly is ideal. you want her develop a sense of security, an idea you will not push for something more, and you shouldn't. Pushing is bad, lure her into your trap instead. Once she seems ecure, send mixed signals. (Hey be vague). If you can: become a target of desire, someone elses if possible. The chick at the party who is by herself and looks lonely will remain that normally, because we all want the woman laughing in the center of a crowd. (We want what others consider attractive.) create a need in her, stir up her anxiety, make her thinks she needs something, then be what she needs. insinuate your desires into her head as suggestions. do not tell her what you want. suggest the idea, then it will later become hers. this is a good one for you to work at Easter. Think of something she would like to do, express that as a desire of yours, you think it would be fun, then maybe she will ask you. mirror them, make her desires yours, make her she herself in you. (short time only(months at most), you are repressing yourself, you cannot allow it to go for long.) Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Thanks, i'll have a couple of reads of your post to try and get it fully straight in my head. Having heard from her today (she received the stuff i sent for her birthday) i am happy with things...gonna leave it til her birthday now and take it from there. Cheers Spatz Link to comment
majord23 Posted March 5, 2004 Share Posted March 5, 2004 Determined, Just to reiterate the point that has already been made.....get on with your life mate. That doesn't mean you should give up on this working out nor should you spend all of your time hoping that it does. Don't analyse *anything* that you have heard about your ex, don't try to double-guess why she hasn't called or why she spent the weekend in Newcastle with her bf. It's a vicious circle mate.... 1. You'll analyse 2. You'll get depressed 3. You'll get angry 4. You'll contact her 5. You'll regret contacting her 6. You'll want to retract what you said ...and then you'll either go back to step 1 to analyse her reaction to your contact...or you'll skip a step and jump straight into depression. She WILL contact you determined - I know it and you know it - you just have to be patient and be prepared for it. As I have said before mate, this is a slow process - it aint gonna happen quickly.....no matter how much you want it too. You have proven that you are strong enough to last the distance mate, you really have. This is probably the toughest part - when you feel like you are getting nothing back for all the hard work that you have put in (except for hurtful stories about what she is up to now)...and this is the time when you will be most inclined to contact her in order to get a reaction and make yourself feel (slightly) more secure about the situation. Don't do it mate....for every ounce of security that contacting her may give you, it will give her double. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted March 5, 2004 Share Posted March 5, 2004 Determined, print out what Majord23 said, and stick it on your wall. he is absolutely correct. 100%. Remember the first time you did no contact, and that she eventually got curious? It'll happen again don't worry. Just give it time, and in the mean time get on with the things that make you a stronger healthier person. Link to comment
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