Break up due to end of "honeymoon phase"

[Eirikr]

Hi all

 

My ex broke up with me mainly because she didn't feel the same anymore, which I identify as the end of the "honeymoon phase". We were almost a year together. I suggested to her to work things out, but she thought it was better to break up and move on (which I of course didn't agree too).

 

So, I wanted some opinions about the end of "honeymoon phase". Do people normally break up once this phase is over, unless the couple gets serious enough to work through it?

[BlueEyedBoy]

Rarely I would say, it shouldn't be neccesary to 'salvage' a relationship when the honeymoon period is over.

 

However I have met people who bounce from one relationship to the next everytime the honeymoon period is over like its some sort of craving they have. but i would say its a rare and personal issue and they will end up being the ones who are unhappy.

 

 

Perhaps you can give some more details?

 

was the relationship generally a healty one?

 

did it end out of the blue or something thats been building up?

[arwen]

Sorry to hear this...

 

I don't think people generally break up when the honeymoon (assuming that you mean the first in-love stage of the relationship) is over. I think that people do tend to re-evaluate the relationship and see if the feelings are strong enough, and that is probably what made her decide that there is not enough there to build it further. It's very painful, I know.

 

I think that for the couples that do end up in the 'long term stage', they'd never be able to really tell when the 'honeymoon' is over- because in a way this is something that stays alive. It's just that THAT feeling (that the other is so perfect, and you're walking on clouds) is not predominant, the main focus shifts towards building a relationship that involves practical and every day things, also nasty things sometimes, like evil in-laws, the first time you realize the other person has habits that you don't really like, taking care when the other is sick, etc.

 

I hope you'll feel better soon. A year is still a pretty long time to be together, I also think that 1-1.5 year is quite a 'normal' time to get to know each other enough to decide if the relationship has a getting-old-together-future. Did she literally say it was because of the honeymoon?

[Eirikr]

Well, it was a long distance relationship, which by itself is really hard to keep up. I know neither of us had felt so strongly about another person ever (we were at a certain point sure we were each other's soulmates), so there was lots of love, patience and communication. She was always my priority and I was sure to show my affection to her constantly. She did the same, in the same amount.

 

The last two months or so she began to be a bit cold. We used to do things together, online, but she began to do some of those things by herself (mostly gaming) and she slowly stopped showing any affection to me. Obviously, I was confused and asked her about it.

 

I see my fault in taking a step forward every time she took one backwards. I began to hunt for affection from her, when I shouldn't. There were times I'd say "I love you" or something like that, and she wouldn't respond the same way.

 

So, totally my fault there.

 

So it came to a point she told me she has been doing as she felt, and that she felt she didn't love me the same way anymore. I believe it was the end of the honeymoon phase for her. I feel she took me for granted. She used to love that I said cute things to her, yet in the end she told me she found them a bit cheesy.

 

The way I typed it, it sounds pretty hopeless. But this was a woman that loved me so much. It's hard for me to understand how so much love just faded away.

 

My neediness pushed her away. I've learned that if your partner starts being cold, you should ask, and probably step back too.

 

Anyway, what do you think? Honeymoon phase over for her the cause of it?

[arwen]

If you are asking yourself these questions, I think it can be very useful to turn them around. My experience is that what you call 'neediness' is also triggered by a partner acting cold. A relationship can really end up in a vicious circle, and it's senseless to point to ONE of you that 'caused' this. It's an interaction that becomes vicious, and before you know it's spiraling down. Every time you are needy, she pulls back, which makes you even more needy because you really need to feel that she loves you and need more and more reassurance. That is not completely unreasonable of you. It is not you doing the 'pushing' it's also her doing the pulling away that makes your urge to push stronger.

 

Sorry, I am really speaking in a lot of metaphors. I think what it comes down to is the same: apparently she didn't feel enough into the relationship to continue it. Being LDR doesn't help of course- I think that it takes a very strong love to be in LDR for such a long time. Sadly, also strong love can change because the person changes, and this is certainly harder in LDR.

 

I am very sorry that she mentioned your being sweet as being 'cheesy'. That is painful and unnecessary. I know it feels really terrible and sharp right now, but I think that when you move on from this, you will be able to give it a place. That the love faded doesn't mean that it wasn't there to begin with- she did love you, and I have no doubt that this has been a very difficult and painful decision on her part too. Maybe she felt that you deserve someone who could appreciate you better than she did, someone who won't take you for granted.

 

I don't know if it still makes sense to speak of honeymoon-stages being over or not. She just checked out of the relationship and that ended any type of stage for you. The distance may have played a role as well. I have been in a LDR in the past (the accross-countries- type of LDR), and after 4 months we felt that we were unable to move to the more serious stage because we were apart all the time, and had no perspective of moving to each other's country. We simply got stuck in just missing each other and missing out on the good parts of the relationship.

 

take care,

 

arwen

[Eirikr]

Thank you for the response. It's giving me new perspectives.

 

I totally get you, and it was very painful to know that I would've done anything to work things out and she just... decided not to.

 

Maybe she felt that you deserve someone who could appreciate you better than she did.

 

She literally told me that. I haven't been able to understand it, to the point it frustrates me a lot. Why should she be deciding what I deserve?? I decided to be with her.

 

The sad part of it all, is that it makes sense for it to end. My brain tells me it probably is best to be parted. But I'm a dreamer. I decide with my heart and use my brain to make my heart's wish to be true. I just... can't get over the fact it meant so much and ended so easily. I never wanted it to end.

 

I still don't.

[arwen]

I think that what is hard here, is that you feel that you should decide yourself if she is appreciating you enough, and that if she isn't and is aware of that, she should somehow change that. I have been told the same thing by an ex, and it really upset me too. It is only now that I realize that it was true- and that I am happy that I am with someone who appreciates me in a complete different way.

 

The thing is, 'appreciation' is not a cumulative thing. It is closely related to what we value or even look for in a partner. I don't think it is about how MUCH she appreciates you, but about which things in you she does and doesn't appreciate. I think the example of her finding things you said 'cheesy' is very telling of that. There are tons of people who crave a partner who tells them sweet things. Others focus on other things, and are not so much moved by sweet words. Some people value someone's social skills a lot, and would appreciate a partner who is talkative and connects easily to others. Others don't and wouldn't mind if their partner is really shy and keeps to themselves.

 

The meaning of that is not that you are not deserving of someone's appreciation. The meaning is that she knows that there is someone out there who'd can make you happier than she can. It's not an easy thing to accept, because it means that she is able to let you go, while you want to be with her.

 

Just keep writing a lot, and try to take care of yourself. Do you see your friends regularly? Do you live alone/with parents/friends?

[Eirikr]

I live with a roomie, although I spend 90% of the time by myself (each of us busy in our own things). Moved to a new city less than a year ago, and while I have a couple of friends, no one I can call a close friend yet (I'm busy even on weekends o.o). Family very, very far.

 

She loved when I said those things, and she said those things back. That's what's I didn't expect it'd change in her. Even then, since she told me that I told her I would stop being so sweet-talking.

 

But guess that's not it.

 

I don't know if what attracted her to me was something that got lost in time. It's just so damn hard. She knew me, the real me, and loved me for it. I knew her, and loved her completely.

 

I was so happy. Happiest I've ever been.

 

Now I'm so torn.

 

I don't want anyone else. I love her. Now I can't focus, get sick, can't sleep.

 

If the world was fair, we both had fallen out of love... or stayed in love.

 

Now I try to hang on, and pray to time to give me answers and a way out of the pain.

[jasper01]

Thank you for the response. It's giving me new perspectives.

 

I totally get you, and it was very painful to know that I would've done anything to work things out and she just... decided not to.

 

 

 

She literally told me that. I haven't been able to understand it, to the point it frustrates me a lot. Why should she be deciding what I deserve?? I decided to be with her.

 

The sad part of it all, is that it makes sense for it to end. My brain tells me it probably is best to be parted. But I'm a dreamer. I decide with my heart and use my brain to make my heart's wish to be true. I just... can't get over the fact it meant so much and ended so easily. I never wanted it to end.

 

I still don't.

 

She told you that because that's how she feels better about it. It is not for your benefit. That is bs.

 

Many people do leave after the honeymoon phase, that is very common. But with long distance, I can see it not making sense in any case.

[arwen]

I don't want anyone else. I love her. Now I can't focus, get sick, can't sleep.

 

If the world was fair, we both had been fallen out of love... or stayed in love.

 

Now I try to hang on, and pray to time to give me answers and a way out of the pain.

 

I know

 

It really sucks. Try to spend some extra time with your friends. Even if it's just to hang out and have a drink somewhere. I think taking care of a bit of food intake is also important- I always lost my appetite and a lot of weight in times like these and concluded that I became much stronger (also mentally) when I started to eat again. Try to eat yoghurts/smoothies.

 

It's difficult to be in a place where you feel you really have no one to turn to; good thing you came here- there are a lot of people in the same boat here, and a lot of people, like myself, who have been in that boat- and who can tell you that it will really be ok.

[JadedStar]

I disagree with the rest. I think actually a lot of people break up when the honeymoon phase is over. These are people who didn't fall into a different kind of love or feeling. This is why most relationships are short lived. Two people who were euphoric in the beginning but when that wore off one or both realize "wait, this isn't "it". It happens a lot.

 

If the relationship truly migrates to love, however, this doesn't happen often. But not all relationships migrate in this direction, hence, the frequency of the one year or less break up.

[Eirikr]

Well, I wanted to ask for two things:

 

a) To see if that was what happened, to learn from it. It's the first time I've been so in love, and for that long. If it kind of is, I'll be more prepared for next time, I guess.

 

b) If it wasn't what happened, to get a bit of an idea. How to know for sure if it's hopeless or not if I don't understand it?

 

I just don't know anything. Things happened and I found myself with no knowledge. Been kind of accepting some things as time passes.

 

Maybe understanding it might help me let go. For now, the fact I don't get it, plus how I feel, makes it impossible for me to stop having hope she'll return, which means a longer healing process.

 

I'm sure there were, are and will be people that have faced that honeymoon phase ending, and had different outcomes. Maybe my experience can help others.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Hi all

 

My ex broke up with me mainly because she didn't feel the same anymore, which I identify as the end of the "honeymoon phase". We were almost a year together. I suggested to her to work things out, but she thought it was better to break up and move on (which I of course didn't agree too).

 

So, I wanted some opinions about the end of "honeymoon phase". Do people normally break up once this phase is over, unless the couple gets serious enough to work through it?

i have a feeling me and my bf are nearing the end of the honeymoon fase. we're really used to each other and the "m asks" have come off.

however, with that also comes the fact that i have gotten really used to him and developed strong feelings. i wouldnt want things to end just b/c things weren't as "peachy" as when it started out. relationships change with time, and you need to both be able to roll with it. if me and my bf were really not happy anymore though, and there was no way to fix it/no one worked to fix it, then i'd consider ending it sadly. i know he would too. but i wouldnt easily give up (i dont know about him).

at the end of the day both ppl need to car e enough