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Following post by 'a world away'


Plymouth
How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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Hi, im in a similar situation but i didnt want to nick a world aways thread

 

Ive just been reading whats been written and, in particular, that most kids think it normal. I'm 18 now but was in my uni library and saw a book on child abuse. As ive worked with kids before as a classroom assistant, i thought it would be useful to read. Geez, it's raised a lot of questions! Im sorry this is such a long post, i just really need to know and it would help so much if someone could either lay it to rest or help me on the first step to recovery.

 

You said that most kids think its normal, well ive only now thought that maybe its not. Would you define any of the following as abuse? Id just like, if it is, to get confirmation so that i can realise it and go some way towards mitigating the effects.

1. When my parents were together, ive been hearing that mum had depression and didnt spend much time with me i remember feeling detatched from her and was terrified of waking her up in the morning.

2.As i got older (primary school), i became increasingly scared of her, though i love her deeply. My strongest memories are being in the car, going out the door to school or just in the house. She was unpredictable. I developed a way of coping that meant i completely closed off and daydreamed, something i havent got out of yet and shrinking rely far from her in the car. is it normal to be so deeply affected by just being told off? could i have just been rely sensitive?

In these sessions, the worst thing was that she said why couldnt me and my sister just make her life easier, why did we have to be difficult. I believed her and do even now but shouldnt she have been more withdrawn about it? It was particularly bad as she is/was an alcoholic. i used to dread getting back in the doors and knew that if we had visitors, she'd close the door then turn around and start shouting if id been bad or if she wanted me to do something like chores. she was really well known as being a great mum and all my friends said they wished she was theirs. I wither told them she wasnt so nice or just smiled.

My dad was similar, though i remember him hitting me a couple of times but i dont remember if it was regular or really just him losing control for a sec.

 

Theres lots of bits that link in, but those are the bones. I think the most damning thing (if its linked) could be that when i was 14 i went to boarding school. previous to that i was withdrawn, terrified of my mum and was incredibly eager to please. I have now answered back to her a grand total of twice lol and my confidence gain was astronomical-i became 'queen bee!' if u will of boarding, even if being away from them was torture.

The last bit now, promise! kudos if u got this far!!

 

my mum recently broke up with my step dad (she stabbed him incidentally) and in court he apparently sed that i had confided in him that i went to my dads to get away from her sometimes (true) and that social services was involved...?! * * * ? i dont know if he was lying or if i just dont remember. is there any way to find out? should i talk to him?

 

sorry again for the length ive tried to whittle it down to the basics, without all the intricacies.

thanks for reading, please reply xxx

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Talk to him. You are a grown up now, and can talk to him as such. I understand the deep rooted hurt you feel, I have some of the same, but if you want any type of closure you need to confront him.

 

(I apologize that I did not see your post until your most recent one. I only get on the site at certain times of the day.)

 

Good luck to you sweetheart.

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Thanks xx Oh geez, i feel really selfish now! Thank you for replying I'm sorry I seem really childish I was just having a moment when I really needed someone to talk too. Is it not possible to get closure through yourself? I really don't want to hurt them and i'm sure they didn't mean to hurt me x

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Going on what you've written I don't know if it is deliberate abuse but I think her depression and acoholism affected the way she treated you and as a result you were neglected. That isn't an excuse for her behaviour but I'm not sure if she was sober and not suffering with depression she would have behaved that way towards you.

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I think your mother doesn't intend to hurt you, which in a way makes it even harder to deal with. You love her, and you probably also feel very sorry for her. Yet it is clear that she is reckless, and at times has not taken good care of you (neglect is also a form of abuse in my opinion).

 

You raise a question about social services being involved at the time your parents got divorced- would it be possible to contact social services yourself?

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It sounds like your mom definitely has some issues...alcoholism and depression can cause people to act in ways that can be very confusing for the person on the receiving end. The fact that she stabbed your stepfather is very frightening, what was the outcome to that?

 

If you want to find out what happened with social services, you could call them and ask. They would probably retain records like that for a long time. Your stepfather might be able to give you some information, but what he tells you might be slanted, given the fact that your mom recently injured him.

 

As a mom myself, I know that there have been times I've raised my voice to my kids and said things I've wished I could take back....nothing too serious, but I just want you to understand that sometimes being a parent can be overwhelming and we're human too! It all depends on what kinds of things your mom said to you, and I think that most kids have been through moments when they feared their parents to some extent. Having a little bit of fear of what a parent might think if they did something very wrong isn't a bad thing, as long as they know that fundamentally they're loved and cared for. I think it's when it becomes a constant belittlement and whittling away of self esteem that it crosses the line.

 

Your Dad hitting you might be abuse, depending on what exactly he did. My personal view is that it's never okay to strike a child, but I think that in some places spanking is considered okay and in others it isn't. My mom spanked me as a child, but I don't feel that she was abusive. If he struck you in any other way then it could be considered abuse.

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