Gearing up for ex contact next week

[rapunzel]

This is just a vent. I haven't seen my ex since 9/29/08 and it will be three weeks of full NC when I have to see him at rehearsal on 10/20/08.

 

I'm feeling a bit better, not crying every day. Thankfully I had a nice weekend away with some women friends which helped take my mind off of it.

 

I vowed to not check his link removed profile when I got home last night but I did and he was online. This is the profile where he says he is 43 and he is actually 49...I started fantasizing about the women he is meeting between 35 and 42 - one year less than his FAKE age - and despite the lameness of his lying about his age to get younger women, I started to feel a bit anxious that he's going to meet someone and start bringing her around to our shows.

 

So over the weekend I decided to stick it out until our last scheduled show which is in January 2009 and then maybe just announce my departure or my hope is that by then I won't give two craps about him.

 

And despite his being on link removed and despite the fact that he hasn't dialed the phone since 09/16/08 when he left me a message about not wanting to stop talking to me outside of the band, I still can't let go of the fantasy that he's going to realize what he is losing by giving me up.

 

Which is purely a fantasy. As someone pointed out, he is not looking for a real relationship if he is lying about his age on the internet, trolling to meet younger women. He doesn't want kids so what does he think he's going to find in the 35+ pool of single women, a lot of whom are going to want kids.

 

And I worry that on our last night out, the night he broke up with me, I had two glasses of wine - and I'm a lightweight - and he pretty much shuns drinking because like me, he has a slight alcoholic tendency and we both have to be VERY careful...I worry that he judged me over that. I was feeling anxious that night and I do think I had the second glass for that reason.

 

Since the break up I've actually made a conscious effort to drink very, very little. Of course, he hasn't seen this change in me. I can't really handle it anymore but would he judge me over this? Two glasses of wine? Why I am so hard on myself? I went out with him one night where I think he drank 5 or 6 beers and got pretty lit but I didn't judge him...there were several dates we had where I would have one glass, he would have nothing. The night of the break up he had one beer...

 

Anyway, as I said..it's just a vent. I keep finding things that I try to explain what happened. What was it that made him want to leave. I guess I'll never know the REAL reason as the break up was not definitive....he said it was a 'step back' and when I asked him if this was IT, he said "there is nothing in me that wants this to be IT, rapunzel, nothing!" Yet he's on the internet trying to meet other women so that also was a lie - just like his lying about his age, about having a bachelor's degree and I noticed he even lied about living alone - when he has a housemate 4-5 days a week.

 

I'm not sure if I feel any better now but at least I got it out...I know I'm just repeating myself, I said all this crap many times before but apparently it needs to come out again. If you got this far, thanks for reading my vent!

[Batya33]

I hope the vent made you feel better. Are you closer to a place where you can feel ok that he just didn't see you as a good match for him, for whatever reason, nothing personal? If listing his character flaws helps you, by all means do it! Also understand that it probably won't make you want him less for more than the short term - it's a bandaid to get through the rough times but nothing wrong with that.

[rapunzel]

The vent didn't make me feel much better, pretty much the same.

 

It's hard to not take it personally. Obviously he does not see me as the right person for him. In reality, he is not the right person for me either - I would never feel comfortable and relaxed with him. I did read a few lines of the Four Agreements last night about not taking things personally. It makes sense but it's still so hard to put into practice.

 

I just keep leaping forward and worrying that there is going to be a band Christmas party and I won't want to go because he might bring his new girlfriend (if indeed he has one) and/or he'll invite someone to our next gig, etc. That the next few months are going to be filled with these anxiety filled and awkward situations. And I wonder if he would ever consider my feelings about any of this...it's hard to imagine he could spend all that time with me, not to mention that we've known each other almost two years at this point...and not consider how I might feel.

 

Which makes me think I should quit. In his mind and in reality, he has every right to find the right person for him, regardless of how if might affect me. Such a conundrum.

[rapunzel]

Having a really hard forgiving myself for my perceived mistakes in all of this. How could I make these mistakes at my age and will I ever learn the lessons?

 

Wondering how others out there have been able to forgive themselves. I seem to have no problem forgiving my ex, it's ME I can't seem to forgive. I cannot let go of the "if only's" which I know is just completely futile although I hope to learn something from these thoughts so I don't do the same thing over and over again.

[Batya33]

Do you mean dating someone who you wanted a serious relationship with who did not want a serious relationship with you? Even if that's a mistake, it's fairly typical so please don't beat yourself up.

[browneyedgirl36]

Do you mean dating someone who you wanted a serious relationship with who did not want a serious relationship with you? Even if that's a mistake, it's fairly typical so please don't beat yourself up.

 

Yes, it's very typical. As you know, Rapunzel, I did it myself.

 

You're at a different stage than I am, but I will tell you that I did a lot of the same stuff you did -- trying to find explanations, convincing myself that if I had just done (or NOT done) this or that, that everything would be different. I have let go of all that, though. Finally, I think I am seeing my ex for who he really is -- not a terrible person by any means, but not the right person for me.

 

I am not mad at myself at all. As for my ex, it took me a long time to get mad at him, and I finally did, but it's worn off, and I've pretty much forgiven him. I'm mildly annoyed when he tries to tell me about his relationship problems (which he attempted to to at work again today), and when he flirts with me (which he attempted to do today as well), but I know that's just who he is, and I'm learning not to take it seriously. He is not happy -- he knows it and I know it -- but this (his rekindled relationship with his ex) is what he wanted SO badly, so, well...he made his bed, and now he has to lay in it, as the cliche goes.

 

You are still in the stage where there is some hope in your heart, I think...despite your ex's "trolling" link removed for younger ladies, etc., despite all evidence that he is not the one for you. I know how hard it is. I look at my ex every once in awhile and realize I'm still very attracted to him (though he was looking pretty ragged today -- things aren't going well for him), but...I know he isn't right for me. It's scary, because I fear never meeting anyone else, but...I'd rather be alone than to always feel as if I am on shaky ground with someone, and that's how it would have been with him.

 

Three weeks NC is a good start, but I think you need A LOT of time away from your ex -- a few months, at least, if you can do it. In my experience, a few weeks isn't enough for feelings to die down significantly. I think your plan to go through to January and possibly quit after that might be a good one.

 

Keep hanging in there!

[rapunzel]

Thanks for your responses batya and browneyedgirl...

 

Yeah, I'm way too hard on myself. I'm sure he's not beating himself up over what happened as much as I am. Although I know he's hard on himself as well, and is worried about "bad karma"...he has talked to me about this...but that was in relation to what happened with his ex. I have to remind myself I don't know what he thinks about.

 

I'm thinking during the holidays - T'giving and Christmas - I'll get some more significant time off and then after the New Years show I can decide how to approach things.

 

Yes, there is still *some* hope...yet I am more and more realizing that even if he did come back, I'm sure it would not last. It's his pattern. I can't set myself up for that again. I would never feel comfortable, I would not feel I was up to his *standards* and thus I would never be able to relax. So agree that it would be shaky ground and who needs that?

 

Even if he does find a younger woman who does meet his standards....as our mutual bandmate has said, he isn't going to fix all his problems overnight. When she pushes for commitment, which she most likely eventually will, he may run. So I have to look at it as a blessing that I am not seeing him and that he gave me a "gift" by pseudo-breaking up with me.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

What you need to do is really get it into your head that having an extra glass of wine etc was not what caused him to go off you...he has serious issues with commitment and just wants someone for fun, no strings attached. You could be little miss perfect and that still wouldn't make a difference, because he is emotionally stunted. So stop beating yourself up and stop having hope about reconciliation...because reconciliation with someone like him is simply a recipe for more heartache. He is not an honest man.

[rapunzel]

Yes, CAD you are right. I am not little miss perfect but no one is perfect. He will find this out as he goes out looking for the greener grass. He, as you said in a prior post, is clearly not in the market for a serious relationship if he is lying about his age on the internet to try to meet younger women. To start a relationship based on a lie shows he's not looking for a life partner. Which is odd for a man turning 50 next year but it seems to be pretty common for men in that age group. It also shows HE is not comfortable with HIS age. If he was, would he lie about it?

 

And yes, he has a problem with commitment. I know reconciliation is a recipe for disaster and I have to stop idealizing him. I think he has come down a few notches in the last 3 weeks. I have to regain my sense of self and not give him so much power. It's my downfall, to give him so much power.

 

One thing I'm going to put an end to is checking the internet for all things about him. It has become an obsession and is so unhealthy. Today I begin, and I make a commitment to stop checking the link removed page, the facebook page, the link removed page, etc. If I can get through 24 hours without checking, I know I can stop. He is not worth it and it is keeping me from living MY life and making my life better.

[rapunzel]

I know I can handle it. I've done this before, I can do it again.

 

He does not define me or who I am, or my worth. I have a lot to offer, I was good to him, I wanted a relationship and he did not...so it's not the end of the world. I don't even want him back as I know I would feel uncomfortable after what has happened and I would never be able to relax. The next woman he is with will also have to deal with his commitment issues - let him be someone else's problem. I CAN do better.

 

My plan is to just walk in there, like normal, nothing happened. Nonchalant, I'll smile at him and everyone else and just be myself, as much possible. I won't initiate conversation, if he talks to me, I'll talk back but I'll be careful about how much of my life I'll reveal. Already made that mistake.

 

I could not sleep last night, anticipating this. It's been 3 weeks of no contact and I wish I could just continue with NC but tomorrow it ends. I've been imagining him out there dating, etc. We have a performance on Nov. 7th and I have wondered if he'll have a woman there. Again, I have no control over him, what he does. I did internet dating for 3 days and then pulled my profile down. Not ready. Yet since he ended this relationship I imagine he is eagerly out there trying to find someone. Although he said upon break up that finding an intimate rel'ship with someone else was really not where his head was at. Although I don't know what is in his head, so I should just STOP trying to figure him out.

 

I was very good about not checking his profile for several days....and yesterday I buckled. It said he had not been active for 5 days. So I thought, good. Then I thought - BAD - he met someone and that's why he has not been active.

 

So I'm back to NOT checking his profile. The ironic thing is his ex who he was reportedly not over when we were together is also on the same site.

 

If anyone has any encouraging words/thoughts/suggestions about my having to have contact tomorrow night and for the next few weeks, I'm all ears.

[Daria_Lane]

how did it go rap

[atelis]

i think your ex will find that lying about his age to meet women on a dating site will not go down too well with the women he meets, 6 year difference is pretty significant.

[rapunzel]

how did it go rap

 

Hey Daria -

 

It went OK. He pulled in just as I was getting out of my car so we had some idle small talk in the parking lot. It felt just slightly awkward. We also had to talk a bit at the end of the rehearsal. He mentioned the great weather we had on the weekend and how he went hiking and then he quickly added "yeah, I went up there with a buddy of mine". I very much tried not to read into any of it...but of course, wondered why he would volunteer this information. At the rehearsal I did great, I was myself, I did not go out of my way to speak to him AT all...he spoke to me and when he did, I replied as I would anyone else.

 

The next day I felt like crap, and last night I dreamed of him and woke up this morning thinking of him. So it's going to be a delayed healing with this regular contact, that's for sure.

 

The good news is I had an internet dating meeting last night with a nice guy that I found attractive. He has two little kids he has 50% of the time and is divorced; I have no kids....so that could be one wrinkle but at least it was nice to spend some time with a new man that I found attractive.

[rapunzel]

i think your ex will find that lying about his age to meet women on a dating site will not go down too well with the women he meets, 6 year difference is pretty significant.

 

Well, I would think so too. I did a little research on this "lying" thing and actually found an article on link removed that discusses it. Apparently it is quite common among both men and women and based on the article, 50% of the people interviewed think it's a huge dealbreaker and the other half thinks everyone does it and it's forgivable.

 

My feeling is he's just looking to just get some action with younger women with no thoughts of a real relationship and see what happens. If they are really into him then he can divulge his real age..he's very good looking so he may just get away with it.

 

Then again, it would be weird to tell someone new that you lied about your age. To start off this way would set a bad tone and make you wonder what else the guy would like about. I'm sure now that he lied to me.

[Batya33]

I had the opportunity to date many very good looking guys from match and a similar site who lied about their ageand I declined each one because of the lie, no matter if they lied by one year or 6 or ten.

 

I am glad you had a good first meet!

[rapunzel]

I'm curious, Batya, as to how did the lie come out when you were meeting these guys from match or wherever? On the first meeting? What would the guy say to try to justify lying about his age?

[Batya33]

I'm curious, Batya, as to how did the lie come out when you were meeting these guys from match or wherever? On the first meeting? What would the guy say to try to justify lying about his age?

 

I was able to screen out virtually every guy who lied (I mean, it's possible one slipped through and I met the guy once but I doubt it).

 

Sometimes they "confessed" in the profile (the younger age was just to come up in younger searches but a lie is a lie), sometimes in the first e-mail, sometimes on the first phone call. Otherwise, I did my detective work - sometimes it was by casually asking about their college experience or grad school and either getting the year of graduation or doing the math, sometimes by getting their last name and doing an internet search or a search on the free birthdate site.

 

One guy revealed it by bragging about his prominent ex wife, I was able to determine who she was, asked how much younger she was than him (because he said she was quite a bit younger), he told me, I figured out her age and from there realized he was lying,etc etc.

 

The justifications were typically wanting to meet younger women, thinking it wasn't a big deal especially if they "confessed" (oh, please), thinking they looked younger.

[Daria_Lane]

Hey Daria -

 

It went OK. He pulled in just as I was getting out of my car so we had some idle small talk in the parking lot. It felt just slightly awkward. We also had to talk a bit at the end of the rehearsal. He mentioned the great weather we had on the weekend and how he went hiking and then he quickly added "yeah, I went up there with a buddy of mine". I very much tried not to read into any of it...but of course, wondered why he would volunteer this information.

 

Well one can take it as thus

 

1. He was trying to reassure you that there wasnt another woman there with him

 

2. To tell you he didnt go along and maybe he did go with another female

 

Only he knows what he was trying to say

 

either way congrats on the date. Hopefully this will help the healing.

[rapunzel]

Yeah, I don't know Daria. I know I read too much into stuff and yes, I thought perhaps he was reassuring me he did not go with a woman. I don't think he would use the word "buddy" if there was any woman there and I know he hikes with this other guy that I'e met. Yet it's silly for me to try to attach meaning to such an innocuous statement - he was just making conversation.

 

I've resisted looking at his profile in the last few days so I guess I'm making some progress...emphasis on the word "some". Whether or not he'll get away with his lie is anyone's guess at this point.

 

He must not be that successful yet, though. Last night at around 6:30PM he sent out a group email invite to everyone in our group and a few others, asking if anyone wanted to go hear music at a club we play at sometimes. I was part of the group invite. I've gotten these in the past from him...one band member who is my confidante thinks that these are "fishing expeditions" to see if I'll take the bait. Even my ex has said to me in the past that I was the only who responded to the invites and he figured I would be the only to respond. Who knows what is his motivation this time around. I ignored it. I don't know if anyone else responded or if he went alone or what. It seems odd that he does this, why doesn't he just call up a a friend or call someone specifically?

 

I have to admit part of me was relieved to get this email invite and know that he wasn't dating anyone seriously yet.

[Batya33]

I would resist the temptation to read into things like e-mail invites as to whether he is seeing someone seriously or whether he wants to see you - that type of thought process significantly impedes the healing you are working on (believe me, i can relate).

[rapunzel]

I know....Yet why even send out this group invite and put ME on the list? Why not just call up someone, a friend, someone not connected to the band, or just call up one of the male band members and ask them to go? It just seems "fishy" for lack of a better term...in the past, rarely has anyone responded to these last minute group invites...except occasionally for me.

 

I know, I have no idea if he is dating, none at all. My band mate thinks he is not dating much. But he doesn't know either. It is difficult to not think about it. I am also STILL going over all my mistakes of the past and mourning what I think could have been a real relationship had things gone down differently. I know, this accomplishes nothing but hopefully I can bring these lessons into the future.

 

I am skipping rehearsal tonight as I'm sick so I'll have another week to further move along with healing. I know it's going to be a protracted healing with the regular contact but I did it before and this time I will do it with no hopes of reconciliation. I know it would be a big mistake and I am trying to convince myself that I DO NOT WANT to be with him. I want to be with someone who wants to be with ME.

[rapunzel]

So I sent a group email to the whole group, including my ex, telling them I was sick and would miss rehearsal tonight. I really am sick with a cold, otherwise I would go as we have a show in two weeks and only one rehearsal after today.

 

My ex just responded ONLY TO ME (he usually always responds to the whole group when group emails are sent) and said he was sorry to hear and hoped I felt better.

 

Do I write back, thank him....or just let it go?

[browneyedgirl36]

So I sent a group email to the whole group, including my ex, telling them I was sick and would miss rehearsal tonight. I really am sick with a cold, otherwise I would go as we have a show in two weeks and only one rehearsal after today.

 

My ex just responded ONLY TO ME (he usually always responds to the whole group when group emails are sent) and said he was sorry to hear and hoped I felt better.

 

Do I write back, thank him....or just let it go?

 

My vote would be to let it go. If you feel you absolutely must respond, be VERY brief, i.e. something like "Thanks! I'll be at the next rehearsal." And that's it.

 

I think letting it go is best under the circumstances, but I understand that for a lot of people, it's polite to acknowledge well-wishes, so I can see why you might feel like you want to respond.

 

I hope you feel better!

[Batya33]

I don't think you need to respond but if you do I agree a "Thanks." is quite enough.

[rapunzel]

That's exactly what I responded with: "Thanks!"

 

I wish I could move past this... completely. I'm trying not to read into anything but it is so hard. I'm sure he was just being polite.