He loves me, he's attracted to me sexually but not mentally anymore?

[angelshine]

I am in a bit of an odd situation. My boyfriend of 2 years--who lived with me for a year--moved out over the summer and it was a good thing because we both agreed we were far too serious, far too fast. We kept seeing each other regularly and things were great. Suddenly, he doesn't call, doesn't text, just ignores me completely. Yet, he comes over, takes my house key, takes my dog. When I asked him to tell me where we stand, he didn't respond. Then, when I went to get my dog on Friday, I asked him if we could talk and he told me to just get my dog and my key and get out. As I left to leave his house, he said he'd take care of the dog until the 18th since I was going to be away and didn't have anyone else to do it. He walked me to my car and then he wanted to talk. He told me that he loves me and he's sexually attracted to me but not mentally. I don't know what that means because it makes no sense to me at all. Then, he said he needed space and that I should just let him call me. When I asked if that meant if we were seeing other people, he said that he didn't want to be with anyone else and he didn't want me to be with anyone else. He then said that, if the opportunity presented itself to him, he would let me know if he took it. I asked him if he had time for a coffee or a drink when he drops off my dog on the 18 and he said he didn't want to make plans because he didn't know what would happen. He said that I need to let him come to me, the way it was when we first started dating. I just don't understand and I just found yesterday that I'm pregnant and, now, I can't even call him to tell him this. I guess I just need some advice on what is going on. I feel like he just can't tell me it's over and I feel like it is over, in his eyes at least. Besides, what does it mean that he's attracted to me physically but not mentally?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Wait a minute...you don't have to dance to his tune, jump when he says jump and keep yourself hidden at his whim. This man is rude and offensive and I have to wonder if he was this much of a control freak during the relationship. What do you want to do about the pregnancy? Do you want the baby or not? Decide on what YOU want to do and then call him and tell him about the baby. You don't have to shut up just because he tells you to...not for something this important. When you make the decision about the baby make sure you are going on the assumption that you will be a single mother. Also, before telling him, make sure you get confirmation from the doctor. The last thing you need is this guy accusing you of trying to get back together with him by claiming you are pregnant.

[angelshine]

I found out from the doctor yesterday. I am totally fine with being a single mother, that is not an issue and I've already accepted it. The thing that has me in limbo is my relationship with him. I know I can handle a baby, I'm a successful adult but I'm not certain where I stand with him. I guess I just need some input on how to proceed/interpret the situation with him.

[Loki71]

I agree with crazy. Go to your dr and confirm it. Then decide what you want and need. After you have done that then you tell him what your plans are. Do not let him tell you what to do. He will have to accept your plans this time. Then you need to decide if you really want a man like that.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

One should never stay together just because there is a new pregnancy. Usually the man will deeply resent it and feel like you trapped him. If you decide to keep the baby you can find ways to co-parent that don't involve actually being together with him.

 

It is sounding like he is saying he thinks you don't have a lot in common. I would try to talk to him more and see if he is willing to go to couples counseling with you to try to work it out or find a way to co-parent.

 

You will have to tell him you are pregnant, but i'd try to talk to him more about why he wants to break up with you and whether he is willing to work with you in couples counseling first. Then decide what you are going to do about the baby, and if you are going to keep it you will of course have to tell him.

 

Best of luck. You will be fine whether he decides to stay with you are not. He will have to be financially responsible with child support if you do have the baby, but don't count on him being around a lot when making the decision whether to keep the baby or not.

[fragmint]

sounds like the wants the comfort of sex on demand without the responsibility and other relationship related stuff. attracted to you sexually but not mentally? thats like saying i dont know if i like you that much anymore but i still wanna bang you.

 

at this point id go over thre and tell him that youre pregnant and see what he wants to do about it. dont wait because you need to decide so you can make plans about this and be ready - the baby is growing everyday.

[angelshine]

sounds like the wants the comfort of sex on demand without the responsibility and other relationship related stuff. attracted to you sexually but not mentally? thats like saying i dont know if i like you that much anymore but i still wanna bang you.

 

That is what I think, too. But then, why say he loves me? Maybe I'm just a cold-hearted * * * * * but I wouldn't say that to someone if I didn't feel like I loved them. I would go over there but he lives with one of his brothers and a roommate and I don't want to cause a scene in front of them. I was going to just avoid him altogether and tell him when he shows up on the 18 with my dog. I know that I don't need or really care if he's involved at all because, well, I can do this alone.

[angelshine]

On top of this, he owes me $800 and still won't return my things that are at his place ](*,)

[fragmint]

i think you should just go up to him and sort this all out. i mean if you feel like its over then why not call it off yourself, get your stuff and money and move on instead of letting him hang you by a thread? if you still want to try to make it work, theres no problem with you going over there and getting your stuff back. hes not the only one involved in this situation - its not fair for him the be the only who calls the plays.

[lady00]

I don't understand how 2 years together, 1 year living together is moving too fast...seems odd to me that you both agreed that was the case. Anyway, he doesn't sound like he wants to be with you and is just using language that makes it seem complicated and mysterious. He wants to dictate the entire relationship, or what's left of it. He also isn't making plans for the future...this to me is sign that he just does not see a future. All this other stuff he is saying is just smoke and mirrors. He is trying to break up with you in stages as people often do. Moving out was the first stage, IMO. Stopping talking was the second. Being rude to you and telling you to take your dog and get out and then telling you he will come to you was the third. I don't know how many stages he intends on but don't let him drag this out and keep you on the hook in case he changes his mind. He does not sound like someone who really cares about you and wants to be with you. Words mean nothing. Look at his actions.

 

Focus on your baby, getting your pre-natal care, and getting legal advise to make sure that he will be responsible and pay what he needs to pay to support your child. Forget his nonsense about not contacting him. He is going to be a father...you have every right to tell him that and he has every right to know.

[angelshine]

Well, the 1 year living together was part of spending every day together from almost 3 months into our relationship. I think it was too much togetherness, too fast (19 months of that is a lot when it's his first serious relationship).

[lady00]

Well, the 1 year living together was part of spending every day together from almost 3 months into our relationship. I think it was too much togetherness, too fast (19 months of that is a lot when it's his first serious relationship).

 

You're focusing in on a tiny part of what I said...the other stuff is more important.

[Aschleigh]

If you are pregnant you are going to get child support according to his income, more than $800. I would go to a lawyer now. And get a DNA test. Don't call him.

He'll get the picture when the lawyer sends him the notice of a hearing .

Being done with guy is a good thing. You have a child to think about now. Do you have a lot of support from friends and family? You will need a support system.

[JadedStar]

I am really mistrusting of him saying there isn't anyone else. He sounds like a real controller and is only telling you that because he doesn't want YOU to see anyone else so this is a real good way of controlling that.

 

He has been very rude of you and wanting you at his beck and call. If you decide to keep this baby I think you are going to have to realize it will be as a single mother, and getting child support out of him will likely take a lot of coercion in court....in other words he owes you money now you can't get so getting child support won't be of his own accord. he will likely need a court order.

 

He sounds vile and nasty. I can udnerstand not feeling intellectually compatible, but i do not understand wanting to keep that preson danging from a chain at your beck and call and getting together when he wants sex. If you allow that you are allowing yourself to be degraded and used by an unpleasant man.