Why doesn't he want more...?

[mskc0511]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7.5 years. We have known each other for over 9 years and we are high school sweethearts. I am 24 and he will be 26 in January. We have lived together for 3 years, and that has been great. I have always wanted to get married to him over the years, you now. He is my first love, but I wanted to do it smart and not in vain.

 

Years ago, everytime we discussed it his reason for not getting engaged was because he wanted to finish school and then maybe that would be the right time. When we both finished school, got our own place, etc. We both have bachelors degrees and I am now in Law School.

 

Recently, after a huge fight he told me that me that he doesnt want to get married. That he is not ready. His main reason is that he wants to be settled in a career and such. However, he is not even trying to work towards his so called career. For all I know, he will never be ready.

 

At this point, all I want is to know that we are on the path of going somewhere. We have reached all of the goals that we have discussed in the past, yet it still is not enough.

 

Is there something more? I always think it is me. He says that he wants to be with me forever, and that I should take that as enough. I think he fails to acknowledge that I have wanted this for so long, and know it seems like it will never happen.

 

Nevertheless, I love him very much and I want to be with him. I am very angry with him right now and it is taking a toll on my relationship. I feel like I was mislead, because he even said that he told me things in the past, just to make me happy, but he really wasnt being honest.

 

I do not know what to do to get over this anger. I feel like my heart has been broken.

 

Any advice? Thank you for reading

[redhearts]

Don't like it affect your relationship. You should be enjoying what you have right now. Maybe he wants to be fully secured in a career because weddings can tend to cost a lot. So maybe he wants to save a little for future, or maybe he thinks kids come right after a wedding, or that he wants to save for an engagement ring. There can be a number of reasons, but maybe he is not grown up enough to do it.

[goodguy81]

my opinion is dont force him into it...you can put some slight pressure but dont make him do it as an ultimatum because you will regret it...when i proposed to my ex..i felt the same way..i wanted to be set career wise....and i waited until i felt stable..i know alot of guys feel this way..they need to be stable because they want to be able to provide for you and not be in serious transition

[matt24]

Speaking from a male point of view, and please don't bash me for this, he may be questioning things. You are pretty much all he's ever know relationship wise. It happens sometimes. Every relationship has ups and downs.

 

Just be honest...ask him. If you can't communicate it's going to be a long road. You've been together so long and you both deserve to be very open with each other at this point.

[mskc0511]

Oh yeah, btw

 

I do not want him to do anything that he is not ready for. Especially marriage.

[redhearts]

I do agree with matt. Especially if he has single friends. There is that party stage, being single going out sort of thing that most people crave if they didn't have it.

[Lionel Hutz]

Its a very huge commitment. Why pressure when youv'e been toghther for so long? What would change? Is it the ceremony that you really want? If so, you guys can do other things to exchange vows, it doesnt really have to be a "wedding". You two are already practically married. I mean, thats how I would feel after almost eight yrs. Pressure will make him uneasy.

[noneeka]

He feels too comfortable with you. He isn't proposing because he knows he already has you. You need to make him feel you aren't as safely joined to him as he'd like to think. Stop bringing up the wedding you're giving him all the power over you to decide where this relationship is going.

My brother was with my sister-in-law for 12 years and he proposed to her only after she got this huge promotion. He saw her confidence keep rising, she didn't need him. He knew if he didn't act he'd lose her, she didn't even need to give him an ultimatum.

[lady00]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It makes me sad to see threads like this almost on a daily basis on ENA about one partner wanting marriage and the other seemingly dragging their feet.

 

Two things come to mind: (1) It's totally understandable for you to want marriage. If you feel that being married is not the same as being live-in bf/gf then you're entitled to feel that way and it's legitimate.

 

(2) People do not respond well to pressure, so there's probably no use in discussing this further with him. What might work for you is set an internal deadline by which you would like to be engaged (again, that's only if you have decided once and for all that it is required for you to be happy in this relationship) and then if you are not engaged by that point, then think about whether or not you want to stay in the relationship. You may want to set the internal deadline with his reasons in mind (his career reasons) to see if once he reaches that point he will be more open to marriage or will simply not bring it up.

[redhearts]

He feels too comfortable with you. He isn't proposing because he knows he already has you. You need to make him feel you aren't as safely joined to him as he'd like to think. Stop bringing up the wedding you're giving him all the power over you to decide where this relationship is going.

My brother was with my sister-in-law for 12 years and he proposed to her only after she got this huge promotion. He saw her confidence keep rising, she didn't need him. He knew if he didn't act he'd lose her, she didn't even need to give him an ultimatum.

 

Or he wanted in on sharing the income.

[noneeka]

LOL knowing my brother that might be true too.

[redhearts]

I also think that it won't be a surprise if your pressuring it too much, that it won't feel like he wanted to, but that you sort of "forced" him into it. He may just want you to calm down about it, not bring it up, enjoy the relationship. That will give him time to surprise you and do it on his own time.

[Rising]

As Lady00 said, it's understandable that you want to get married... but it's equally understandable that he doesn't. Everyone is entitled to their feelings and part of what it takes to get married is coming to that point where you both agree that it's what you want.

 

I don't hold people very strongly to the things that they say they will do in the future because no one knows what the future will bring. You could make plans to get married, and then things could change and you might not want to anymore... but getting angry about having talked about things loosely before isn't going to change the present state.

 

If he wants to have his career set I can't say I blame him. A lot of guys want to have their lives together before they propose. Still, it's not fair for him to just leave you dangling there waiting for the day when he decides he's finally ready, especially if it's not coming anytime soon.

 

I say set an internal time line for your relationship. A point where if he hasn't decided to take that next step that you make a decision about the relationship. If that means saying to yourself "Six more months, and if he's not on his way in his career and ready for engagement then I'm going to move out. If he hasn't figured out if he really wants me forever after another 6 months then I'll move on," then so be it.

[mskc0511]

I dont want to force him to do anything. I know that it is just not right. I guess my problem is that I cant deal with the rejection. Imagine your love telling you that you will get married down the road, and when the time gets there, your propose and they say no. I feel this way. It is difficult being around him. I am not sure how to deal with it.