Being no. 1

[WAlien]

Am i being very unreasonable by wanting to be no.1 or at least no.2 in my boyfriend's life?

 

We've only been together for 2 months but have known each other for a long time. He pops over to my place unannounced several times a week when he's free to see me but he always leaves earlier than I would've liked or he always has something else to attend to after seeing me. After being together for 2 months, we've only really been to 2-3 dates. Most of the other times i see him is when he drags me to family and friends activities during which he spends more time with them than me.

 

One part of me feels happy that he takes the time to come see me but another part of me feels like he just doesn't have enough time for me. I don't feel appreciated enough and it feels like he doesn't make enough effort. It makes me feel like I'm just a tiny part of his life that he takes to maintain when he has the time to. I don't want to be maintained, I want to be loved. I don't want rational love, I want crazy heart throbbing love.

 

I feel like I'm no. 4. His family is no.1, his studies no.2 and his friends no. 3.

 

Slap me awake if I'm being unreasonable or idealistic. Or maybe he's just not the type of person I'm looking for.

[a_lifters_life]

That's funny you say that, I have had the exact same problem my whole rel. and I have been together with this girl for 5 months.... hasn't changed.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Well, first of all, his family, his studies, and sometimes his friends will always be greater than you.

 

For instance, where would you truly place him on your priority list?

 

If you don't like the lack of dates, tell him that.

 

If you don't like how he pops up at your house unannounced, tell him that.

 

You've only been going out for 2 months, and he doesn't seem super serious yet, so settle down, tell him your concerns, and be realistic about how much attention he can give you.

[WAlien]

That's the point. We're only 2 months in. We're supposed to be infatuated and want to see each other a lot... We're not 2 years in where the couples are close enough to just spend a few days together.

 

I guess you're right about talking to him about it. I'll try.

[Cognitive_Canine]

That's the point. We're only 2 months in. We're supposed to be infatuated and want to see each other a lot... We're not 2 years in where the couples are close enough to just spend a few days together.

 

I guess you're right about talking to him about it. I'll try.

 

Well, what I've noticed is that the longer we are in a relationship, the more committed to me he gets. I'm pretty high on that priority list and he is the same on mine.

 

How old are you and this guy, btw?

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

You've only been together for two months...TWO MONTHS... his family and friends have been in his life a bit longer.

 

Not everyone dives into a relationship head first- sometimes it takes time to develop- when i first met my bf ..i didn't dive in head first- i had to go a lot slower- i was afraid to lose the familiarity of my family, friends and my own life- because relationships don't always work and i didn't want to disrupt my life - i couldn't disrupt my life- i needed the stability of knowing that i had a life outside of my relationship with him to fall back on... before i made him my priority.

 

give your boyfriend time to put you as his number one.

 

I would however mention that you would like to have a "date" night- where you both go out and have a good time- just the two of you.

[nutbrownhare]

That's the point. We're only 2 months in. We're supposed to be infatuated and want to see each other a lot... We're not 2 years in where the couples are close enough to just spend a few days together.

 

It sounds as though you have a set of expectations around relationships and are getting upset because he isn't meeting them. However, I think it's important to remember that these are your expectations; I'm not sure that you can reasonably expect another person to live up to them, especially if they've never been discussed. Some relationships are full of infatuation at the beginning and then peter out; some start slowly and grow in intensity as time goes on - there are no hard and fast rules.

 

Yes, you need to talk to him about what you would like - this is more likely to be productive if you tell him about things you'd LIKE to do, rather than giving him a list of things he's not doing right. In other words, come from a positive place. You might also consider developing your own interests outside the relationship so that you're not necessarily there and available when he drops by unannounced ...

[Cognitive_Canine]

This reminds me of my first relationship.

 

He'd say he was going to hang with his friends. I'd get all upset because he wasn't putting me at number one.

 

It ended up killing the relationship, until a few months later I was like "Wait, I am 15. Why did I put so much pressure on him?"

 

Don't have expectations and definitely don't have expectations that you don't tell your partner about. And finally, don't have expectations that you don't tell you partner about, and then get mad at him when he doesn't fulfill them.

[george237]

When first dating I never spend all of my time with the new girl. I think you are over reacting or you have insecurities that you need to handle. Either way just relax and enjoy the time you spend together or find somebody who falls head over heels in the first weeks of meeting someone.

[_Asti_]

That's the point. We're only 2 months in. We're supposed to be infatuated and want to see each other a lot... We're not 2 years in where the couples are close enough to just spend a few days together.

 

I guess you're right about talking to him about it. I'll try.

 

See the way I see it..the further the relationhsip goes along, the higher the priority you become. The bigger the role, the deeper the bond, the larger role you play in his life as you two develop as a partneriship.

 

Right now, its only been two months! The relationship is hardly that significant. Sure, infatuation can cause couples to spend every waking moment together, but there's a difference between being infatuated obsesed and being a priority for someone.

 

If its a matter of him not balancing things in his life, and you feeling like you're getting shafted and pushed aside and not given EQUAL time as everything else, then defenitely speak up.

[Rose21]

The first 3 months of my boyfriend and I's relationship, we were completely obsessed with eachother. He never really spent time with his family, neglected his studies, and would drop EVERYTHING to be with me or make me happy.

 

Now that we've been going out nearly a year, things have changed and become alot more healthy. He ended up getting quite sick during that time, constantly making sure I was happy ,staying every night at my house even though I had a dog and he had MASSIVE allergies.

 

Now although we love eachother more then anything we also have our family and studies that are very important to us. We dont drop everything to be with eachother anymore, which is the way it should be.

 

We had to take a 5 day break to realize this, make changes, and now it has been better then ever.

[hers]

Don't force that deep, throbbbing love you speak of. It will come when it needs to come along.

 

His family and his friends have been there a lot longer, as someone else has said. And the studies are very important to a student. Don't have him neglect that. Be grateful for having a boyfriend who cares about you and leave it at that.

 

Talk to him if you're having these concerns though. Otherwise you'll build resentment that you'll have a hard time getting rid of.