Am I needy?

[Chillihead]

Both my girl friend and I work have recently separated from long term relationships - we work together and helped each other through our respective breakups before getting together. She now lives with her son and I now live with my oldest son.

 

We have been together for a few months and communicate regularly at work on a personal level, as well as texting each other quite often. On top of that, we would be chatting to each other on MSN pretty much every night. So, yes we spend a lot of time keeping in touch. We tell each other that we love each other and have a decent sex life.

 

This last Saturday she went out of town for this whole week with her son's sports team to a tournament. Basically from the moment she left she she has put in little effort to keep in touch via text and when she does her replies are rare and quite short IMO. Admittedly she is looking after 16 12 year old boys with the help of another male parent while they are out of town, but I would have expected her to put in a bit more of an effort and at least put some smilies in her texts. I have told her that I love and her and miss her and she has not reciprocated either of those. I finally came right out and asked her if she missed me and said she didn't have time! Normally when she is out having a drink with her friends she will have a couple then she will be texting me telling me how much she loves me and what plans to do to me when she sees me, yet tonight I hadn't heard from her so i texted to say good night and she said she was at the bar with the coach and the other parent. There are plenty of other things like this.

 

I have asked her what is wrong and of course she says 'nothing' and as much as I would like to believe her it is so out of character I am struggling. My heart churns and I just want to see her.

 

She will be back late on Saturday, but I Won't get to see her as she is spending Sunday watching motor racing on TV with her ex partner (my idea dammit), and is having a rest day on Monday before coming back to work.

 

We had a text brief conversation this afternoon when I admitted that I was feeling needy, and she replied that she was not enjoying my needyness.

 

I am (hopefully wrongly) afraid that for some reason we are through and she is going to tell me when she comes back. I really hope this isn't the case, but the whole thing doesn't add up to me.

 

Does anyone have an advice?

[Godwin]

One thing I have learned in the last 3 months of being single is that the more you cling, the further you push someone away.

 

Play it cool, I know its difficult but its the best thing to do.

 

Let her do all the running.

[Chillihead]

One thing I have learned in the last 3 months of being single is that the more you cling, the further you push someone away.

 

Play it cool, I know its difficult but its the best thing to do.

 

Let her do all the running.

 

Thanks Godwin - I know you are right.

 

Each morning in the shower I make my resolve to do exactly that, yet when I get my first text of the day from her I turn into a teenager and get all excited.

 

Today is different and I will do my utmost to play i cool

[Chillihead]

I have played it cool this morning and not texted her yet. I just got my first text from her, so will leave it a while before replying back

[Chillihead]

2 texts received so far and I am as cool as a cucumber... I could go all day without replying - how long should I leave it before I do?

[Chillihead]

Got a third text and decided after an hour that I had to reply... I made it brief and to the point, just like hers have been.

[crosstownTraffic]

so don't keep us in suspense.. what did she text you?? is everything going okay??

[Chillihead]

so don't keep us in suspense.. what did she text you?? is everything going okay??

 

Oh right - yes, everything seems OK. It's odd though, they are really short, concise texts. I suppose when she is looking after that many kids they have to be

 

She first let me know she had just given 16 boys a mohawk haircut - they are a sports team, then the second was an answer to a question I asked yesterday, then the last was the score from the teams' game.

[JadedStar]

Well I know personally that in my years of life and relationships when i really am crazy about someone no matter how busy i am i make the time to at least communicate a bit better than what she is doing. You can text a message that has some heart to it in less than a few minutes so it wouldn't seem like it should be such an issue. Now i am sure she is busy enough to where getting the same level of time online that you had when she wasn't away is not going to happen but it seems to me that you are just not a priority this week and I dunno...it doesn't sound all that positive.

 

I would suggest trying to hold back on the probing and such and continue to keep the texts short and to the point to match her own mode of communicating and once she returns if this continues and things don't go back to normal have a discussion.

 

Also remember you have been together a few months so the newness of the relationship where everything is fireworks and dazzles could also be waning just a tad. That is normal. But it wouldn't be normal if all of a sudden she just stops putting in effort.

[Chillihead]

Well I know personally that in my years of life and relationships when i really am crazy about someone no matter how busy i am i make the time to at least communicate a bit better than what she is doing. You can text a message that has some heart to it in less than a few minutes so it wouldn't seem like it should be such an issue. Now i am sure she is busy enough to where getting the same level of time online that you had when she wasn't away is not going to happen but it seems to me that you are just not a priority this week and I dunno...it doesn't sound all that positive.

 

I am with you completely there. If it were me I would be putting in the effort. I sure don't feel like a priority, far from it.

 

I would suggest trying to hold back on the probing and such and continue to keep the texts short and to the point to match her own mode of communicating and once she returns if this continues and things don't go back to normal have a discussion.

 

Again, concur. I fully intend to keep my texting to a minimum. I'm interested to see what happens when she gets back into town. She will be late back Saturday, so I don't expect her to contact me then. On Sunday she is watching the motor racing on TV with her ex so I highly doubt that she will contact me then as he doesn't know about us yet and she doesn't want to tell him just yet as he is gutted enough.... I have band practice on Sunday night, up near where she lives and she normally invites me to come and stay after practice. It will be interesting to see if that happens this weekend... Then on the Monday she is having the day off work, and I would normally expect her to email me from home and text me as well.

 

** About the racing, she kept saying how much she was looking forward to watching the racing but was going to have to watch it alone. It's not really my thing, so I half-seriously suggested she watch it with her ex down the road (I didn't actually think she would do it - I certainly wouldn't if it was the other way around). Earlier this week when she did text me I suggested that I had changed my mind and was more than happy to watch it with her, only to find out that she had taken my advice and was watching it with her ex - no offer to change her plans and watch it with me. This lead to a bit of a 'discussion' via text which I felt was rather unpleasant.

 

Also remember you have been together a few months so the newness of the relationship where everything is fireworks and dazzles could also be waning just a tad. That is normal. But it wouldn't be normal if all of a sudden she just stops putting in effort.

 

I don't think (or at least I didn't) think we were waning. Last Wednesday night she invited me up there for a couple of hours to play Singstar with her which I did. We kissed and cuddled when I left. Then I took my kids around to her place last Friday night to help her get ready to leave, and she was a little reluctant to kiss and cuddle, which I put down to my kids being there... I thought things were cool. On Saturday the first couple of texts were pretty regular, but once she started the trip down country they changed to the short, concise unemotional ones they are now. That's not to say they have all been that way - she did say sorry for hurting me over the racing 'discussion'.

[JadedStar]

I suggested that I had changed my mind and was more than happy to watch it with her, only to find out that she had taken my advice and was watching it with her ex - no offer to change her plans and watch it with me. This lead to a bit of a 'discussion' via text which I felt was rather unpleasant

 

Ouch. Not sure what to say man. I'd be completely taken aback and disturbed by this. I guess it would all depend completely on how long they have been broken up and what her feelings about him are. If it was a break up within the last eight months or less I'd be very very cautious and leary.

 

The respectful thing to have done would have been to watch it with you. Normally I do not advocate changing plans on another person but this is an ex who should get a clear message that you come first. If it were any other person I would not say that.

[Chillihead]

Ouch. Not sure what to say man. I'd be completely taken aback and disturbed by this. I guess it would all depend completely on how long they have been broken up and what her feelings about him are. If it was a break up within the last eight months or less I'd be very very cautious and leary.

 

The respectful thing to have done would have been to watch it with you. Normally I do not advocate changing plans on another person but this is an ex who should get a clear message that you come first. If it were any other person I would not say that.

 

Again, agree completely. They have been broken up for about 3 months and she shifted out about 2 months ago. I broke up with my ex at about the same time and shifted out a month ago. She says she is still good friends with him - he doesn't know about me, and thus bought her a birthday present and seems to visit occasionally too (he was there watching movies last Monday while she was home with her sick son, as it transpired). She bought him a birthday present and couldn't understand why I didn't like the idea...

 

Sure I have to see my ex as we have kids together, but my current partner has no ties to her ex whatsoever, other than they live nearby each other.

[JadedStar]

Him not knowing about you is a big problem Chillihead. It strongly suggests that they are not entirely over one another. When i left my ex I could share with him completely when I was seeing smoeone else because we were WAY over each other. The only time i could ever imagine not telling an ex about smoeone I was dating is if the embers were not entirely put out.

 

I'd have a talk with her when she returns and has the time. Tell her that you were being facetious when you said watch the race with her ex and taken aback that she actually did it. Let her know that three months is a very fresh break up and that you feel concerned that 1) the ex doesn't know about you and thta 2) she is hanging out with him one on one and getting gifts from him and giving him gifts. This is not cool behavior. They are both sending ambiguous signals to one another. And disrespecting you in the process.

[Chillihead]

Thanks JadedStar for confirming what I already have in mind - it's good to know that I am not alone in those thoughts

[Chillihead]

Message deleted - duplicate.

[Chillihead]

She texted me to say that she has replied to the email (that ended up being a love letter) I wrote to her yesterday...I managed to get into my work email (can you tell I work in IT?) and she had written a lovely reply - no "I love you's" or "I miss you's" but still a nice email.

 

Then I was talking to one of my colleagues on the phone and he revealed that my girl and I are the worst kept secret in our department. The vast majority of people strongly suspect that we are together, mainly based on how often we have lunch together. I let my girl know this and that sparked a massive flurry of texts as she had a mild freak-out as she is concerned about what people will think about both of us breaking up with our respective partners then getting together. I really enjoyed the opportunity to chat with her - far more than the entire start of the week put together. Now we are having a great old catch up. Isn't it funny how things can change so fast.

[Chillihead]

So I had a great catch up with my girl last night. I've been thinking about things and I need to ask her to tell her ex that we are together so that he has no uncertainty where he stands. I don't have an issue with her hanging out with him, I just want him to know she is with me.

 

It will also have the flow on effect of everyone knowing where they stand - if she refuses to tell him, then I know where I stand. If she does then he knows there he stands. Her main argument is that he is already gutted enough with her breaking up with him and to tell him would crush him completely. I think to not tell him and have him think all this time she is single will be even more crushing when he does find out.

 

I'd thought I wouldn't do it until I have seen her, thereforee it won't be until next week - too late to ask her to tell him before the racing on Sunday.

 

Thoughts anyone?

[amipushy]

Bad feeling about this, and I think you do too which is why you are here. I would back off to the bear minimum of contact and guard your heart.

 

I get the feeling she is going to dump you soon becuase she is not over her ex and/or not ready to commit to a serious relationship and you are slightly (and who can blame you) pushing her that way.

 

Sorry I can't be more positive for you but she is behaving like I do when I'm feeling something is not right and need to get out of it.

[Chillihead]

Bad feeling about this, and I think you do too which is why you are here. I would back off to the bear minimum of contact and guard your heart.

 

I get the feeling she is going to dump you soon becuase she is not over her ex and/or not ready to commit to a serious relationship and you are slightly (and who can blame you) pushing her that way.

 

Sorry I can't be more positive for you but she is behaving like I do when I'm feeling something is not right and need to get out of it.

 

Bad feeling? My gut has been churning since Saturday!

 

The email she sent me last night does in fact say she is struggling with losing one relationship and starting a new one. She also says she feels she is pushing me away, although she is trying not to. Finally she said she is very independent and is very used to doing what she wants, when she wants (in other words with no interference from a partner). However, she did close off by saying that all would be fine in time.

 

So, all I can do is wait and see.

 

I'm very keen to get closure between her and her ex by her telling him about me (he knows we are friends and work together). If he completely freaks out and doesn't want to see her ever again I'd be very happy, but if he doesn't I'm ok with them being friends.

[Chillihead]

Texted her to initiate a conversation and got a couple of half decent replies, so because I had told her in my email the other day that I wouldn't call her out of the blue, I texted her and asked her if it was cool to phone her for a few minutes. The answer was yes, so I've just hung up from a 30 minute call. I'm really quite relieved. She even kept me on the phone when she went around telling all the boys it was bed time, rather than blowing me off, which was nice

 

We talked about what she had been doing today, and what she is going to do tomorrow, so all is well

[hockeyboy]

at least put some smilies in her texts

 

really? you shouldn't be judging your relationship based on "smilies" in text messages.

 

you told her you were feeling needy? not a good idea IMO and I wouldn't do that again.

 

To be honest, I think you are coming accross as needy and are acting it too. I think you need to relax a bit.

[Chillihead]

 

you told her you were feeling needy? not a good idea IMO and I wouldn't do that again.

 

To be honest, I think you are coming accross as needy and are acting it too. I think you need to relax a bit.

 

Dammit, yes I did. I am sure as heck trying not to be now. It's very hard though.

 

If I had been dumped I would be better able to cope I think as at least then I would know where I stand and could prepare myself to move on. I haven't, but I am feeling unimportant and unloved.

[Chillihead]

Well, my girl got back into town last night. I left it as long as I could today to let her text me and finally gave in.

 

I said hi, told her that I hope she enjoys the racing and that I would like to catch up with her tomorrow as I have teh day off. She said that was cool. She had clearly given it a bit of thought as she texted me and asked me why I had the day off. So I told her - I took the day off so I could catch up with her before we see each other at work on Tuesday. She initially sounded impressed that I had taken the day off just for her. But she kept saying it seemed a lot to do so I told her that I loved her and missed her and wanted to catch up with her after not seeing her for a week. Then I asked her if that freaked her out and she said it did... So then we got into this huge discussion about things, which I had wanted to do tomorrow, but her answer pre-empted it.

 

We moved the discussion to MSN and I finally got out of her that yes, she does have unresolved feelings for her ex, and that she does think about going back to him. I asked if if she would and she said she wouldn't wouldn't, but clearly it is an option in her mind. She said some days she loves and some days she doesn't. That was hard to take

 

I told her that I didn't want a part-time or one-sided relationship, but she is confused and she doesn't know why. I suggested it was the unresolved feelings for her ex, but she doesn't know why it is.

 

Anyhow, we are still together, albeit taking things a bit slower - a bit more low-key. We had a fantastic conversation on MSN, just like it used to be.

 

I am going out to her place tomorrow to finish our discussion - we are going to have a beer in the sun, assuming it's not raining of course

[Chillihead]

So I went out there today and spent the day hanging out with my girl and her son.

 

I stopped off to pick up some flowers on the way and managed to sneak then inside onto her kitchen bench without her seeing them, along with the 'welcome back' card I had written earlier in the week in anticipation of her return. I added a note to the bottom of it indicating that she could have all the time and space she wanted.

 

It was probably an hour before she went into the kitchen, and when she did she came racing out, said 'thank you' and have me a kiss on the cheek. Then we went back inside where she shed a few tears. I checked she was OK, asked if she needed a tissue, then went back outside.

 

When she came back out she sat next to me with her arm touching mine, but I kept my distance - I didn't want to go rushing back into the cuddling. Although I did give her a back massage - she had been doiing her horses hooves earlier in the day.

 

Finally it got too cold to be outside, so we went in and sat on the couch. I deliberately sat in the arm chair, but she lay on the couch and suggested that I sit beside her so she could put her head in my lap. How could I refuse! So, for the next couple of hours we were on the couch. She had a sleep while I stroked her hair. It was bliss.

 

As much as I wanted to stay I knew I couldn't, if I was to give her space, so we spent a few minutes cuiddling before I gave her a quick kiss and headed home.

 

I texted her part way and told her that I really enjoyed the day and she agreed with me.

 

We didn't really talk about us at all, as she's not so good at the face to face stuff. However, not long after I got home we met up on MSN and talked through some stuff for an hour.

[Chillihead]

It's been a while since I was last here, so I thought I'd stop by with an update, albeit a much abridged version.

 

I broke with my girl and she went back to her ex. I knew she was seeing someone and it turned out to be him. In a way I was relieved it was him, and not another guy. I was quite happy for her, and wished them all the best.

 

Then after a little while she started flirting with me, which I was very happy with. I was hanging out at some dating sites and starting seeing other women, and she was basically stalking me (in a good way Our flirting got more intense and we ended up considering ourselves to be together again, but with the slight hitch that she had her man still, which she promised to do something about when the time was right.

 

Eventually that came, after he had basically figured out that their time was up, so my girl and I have been back together officially now for 3 months.

 

We've had our ups and downs, but we are both committed to it, so we are forging ahead in our relationship. She organised a surprise dinner for my 40th on the weekend which was simply brilliant adn I had the best birthday ever.

 

Who knows what the future holds - I do know I love my girl and she loves me, although she admits that she doesn't regularly show it. She likes her space and I like mine, so we kind of meet in the middle now and again