Is that cheating or not?

[mokajava]

During the first 9 months I was married, unfortunately it was hell on earth for me and my husband: we fought a lot, yelled, insulted each other, blamed, etc. But we still had a few good moments in between, so it was not ALL bad, and we still loved each other despite the bad stuff. That was last year, but now all is good because we have worked through our marriage and get along amazingly! But I found out that during our "rocky time", his ex-gf happened to contact him via email and they sort of started a relationship again, sending each other pictures and saying sweet words like send me a kiss, I want to see you again (she lives in another state, 5 hrs away), I loved you always, remember what you told me when you kissed me, I miss you, etc.

 

I don't know what to make of this. Is that considered cheating? Eventually he stopped all contact with her, which I'm happy about, but I want to know if during the time they were in touch was he cheating on me and especially how serious was that for OUR relationship? Am I over reacting if I say I feel very very hurt and can't trust him again?? If it wasn't cheating, then what was it?

I found out 4 months ago, and to this day I can't get over it. I need some opinions on this.

[scared and alone]

ummm you are NOT over reacting. I'd beat his ass for that. Thats WRONG.

[D_Lish]

I'd say he'd betrayed you. If it's a 'secret', then it's wrong....and it seems that his little tete a tete with his ex, was kept a secret from you.

 

There are no excuses for this kind of behaviour and whether your marriage had been going through a rocky patch or not and introducing a third person, isn't the cure for a rocky marriage.

 

All down to you whether you can accept and forgive what he did...

[mokajava]

ok, but I want to know HOW BAD that is, and given the circumstances. Because for a time I even considered divorcing, that's how bad I thought it was. But a friend has told me not to exaggerate, so I'm confused now.

[elizmdavis]

Giving that sort of emotional contact to someone is being emotionally unfaithful. Marriage is a sacred thing, his emotions should go to you irregardless of fights. I think he must have been looking for an outlet. I'm young and not married yet but I've seen lots of young newlyweds have struggles and they turn to inappropriate outlets for comfort (porn and ex's), most times because that is what they could get away with before.

Why do you think he felt a need to contact her?

[cs90453]

I agree...this fits the bill for an emotional affair. Obviously not the same as the physical type but from what I've read it can be as destructive.

[mokajava]

No, she's the one that contacted him! So I guess he "used' her during a time when he was vulnerable? I don't know. I think maybe had things been going perfectly b/w us, he would have told her either not to contact him again, or wouldn't have given in to her sweet words, because she's the one that started to reminisce about the past and old feelings....?

Was he (emotionally) too weak and easily gave in to an easy and practical solution? that is, it was easier to find comfort in her than to attack our real problems in the marriage? Was that his real "crime"?

[D_Lish]

ok, but I want to know HOW BAD that is, and given the circumstances. Because for a time I even considered divorcing, that's how bad I thought it was. But a friend has told me not to exaggerate, so I'm confused now.

 

 

I once had an ex email me and I was married at the time. I didn't tell my husband that this ex had emailed and because I hadn't wanted my H to worry. Our communication had been a simple catch up and I'd thought that if I told my H, he would blow it all out of proportion and accuse it of being something other, than a simple catch up...

 

I'd be more concerned in your case however and because your H and his ex, were sending pics, acting all 'lovey dovey' with one another, asking each other to meet up and saying they missed each other. I know the contact has ended, but I would be constantly questioning, 'Will he ever feel a need to get in touch with her again'??? I'm unsure I could ever trust him anymore...

And how do you know for sure this contact between them has totally ended?

 

I guess he could have simply felt a need to reach out to her and at a time when things were not right between you two, as a means to distract himself from his problems and it was a cry for attention. But still, the last thing you do is to involve another party, makes things worse not better...

 

If he did end communication and you know for sure he did....then he's likely just to have been looking for an 'escape' from his problems for a while....and then he's ended communication, knowing he's doing wrong.

[Dragunov-21]

I think it's perhaps a little easier to to say inappropriate things online (plus there's the fact that anything you say is immortalised).

 

Not an excuse, just saying that I don't think his heart was wuite as involved as a lot of people seem to think.

 

Personally, I'd give him another chance as long as he never talked to her again (it's up to you to decide if you'd believe him).

 

It's a decision only you can make, but I think perhaps that divorce is a little bit of an overreaction.

 

Just my opinion.

[Loki71]

It hurts just as much as a normal affair. I am trying to save my marriage after my wife did the same although not with an ex. But hers was all online. To me they are the same if he can do that then whats to stop him from going further? He didn't care or respect you enough to go that far then he doesn't care or respect you enough to not go further.

[lostandhurt]

It was surely an emotional affair and your trust was betrayed. Did he tell you or did you find out on your own? Since you found out I assume he kept all the e-mails? i think it would be a good idea for some counseling, not only for this but for you both to learn some skills on building a strong healthy marriage. Either way you need to talk to him about this, if not it will hang over you for a very long time.

 

lost

[mokajava]

I found out on my own, I know it's wrong but he shouln't have cheated on me in the first place. Anyway, I know for sure that he stopped all contact, but still... I never would have thought in a million years that he would do such a thing. As much as I want to save my marriage, I can't help thinking and feeling bad about it. I don't know how long I will feel like this. Maybe for men it's easier to take this "solution", that is, they see the practical side of it, go for it, but dont make it into something that is not? Maybe I'm the one that sees too much into it?

PS. No, he doesn't know that I know and I don't plan on telling him ever, it would just make things worse.

[PsychGirly]

I agree with Dragunov. I think you really need to take into consideration how your marriage was at the time this happened, and the fact that it was an ex who came into the picture. Most people "cheat" or are unfaithful to their SO when things are 'rocky' in the relationship.

 

I think an "emotional affair" is wrong, but I don't think it's necessarily considered "cheating"--I'd say it's being "unfaithful". Some people might think they have the same meaning, but I'd consider 'cheating' as more of a physical act, and 'unfaithful' as being lied to, or having your SO hide something from you that he/she knows would hurt you.

 

In this case, I don't think he had intentions to cheat. With his ex coming back into the picture, and him being vulnerable (considering that you guys were arguing a lot and things were rocky), I think it was bound to happen. It's nothing worth divorcing over, however, it should be talked about. It's very hurtful, and I'm sure he understands that what he did was wrong..but don't be surprised if he doesn't consider it "cheating". People take divorce too lightly nowadays, so if there wasn't irreparable damage, I think it should be worked on. That's just my personal opinion.

[elizmdavis]

Was he (emotionally) too weak and easily gave in to an easy and practical solution? that is, it was easier to find comfort in her than to attack our real problems in the marriage? Was that his real "crime"?

 

As I imagine marriage for myself, I picture happiness and love...along with all sorts of la-la land feelings. I know they will happen, but there will be times where they'll be non-existent. Yunno how they say "The Honeymoon is over"? That's when reality kicks in.

 

Perhaps it comes down to choices. What is the best thing to do when you are at your wits end with your spouse? No matter what it has to involve eachother and it HAS TO involve trust and communication.

 

Look at yourself and try to see where you have not been emotionally available to him. Lay that out. I say this because it takes two to tango here. Perhaps he will open up in return, honesty can be contagious. You should face this big issue because sooner or late it will catch up to you. You two will probably fight again sometime....where do you want him to turn? Who do you want to turn to?

[elizmdavis]

I don't know how long I will feel like this. Maybe for men it's easier to take this "solution", that is, they see the practical side of it, go for it, but dont make it into something that is not?

PS. No, he doesn't know that I know and I don't plan on telling him ever, it would just make things worse.

 

BE STRONG. Your marriage is worth fighting for. Yeah there may be a struggle...but ask yourself if the struggle is worth a better marriage later on. Once, I had to confess to my S.O. that I found some texts on his phone that I did not like. I started by saying "I want to admit something to you but I need your promise that you will just listen until I am done" He agreed. I told him that I was feeling uneasy about his shadiness with his cell, how I felt like he was hiding thinds from me. I reminded him that I tried to talk with him but it did no good. So I resorted to his phone and I found messages that broke my heart and made me feel untrusting of him and made me lose faith in us. He just said "I am sorry". Of course he was liek "why did you check my messages" all I said was "it wouldn't have been a problem if you had nothing to hide".

 

It's not easy to do...but it is worth doing.

[littlestar]

I dont feel you are over reacting and he most was definitely cheating. Remember cheating doesnt just need to be physical.

[blue69]

Sounds to me like you two were having some serious early issues. We don't know the whole picture of how that was going, and who treated who like what. I will disagree with most when I say this IS NOT cheating. Unfaithful? I can go with that.

 

But the bottomline is that it sounds like you got on track. The marriage is going well.

 

I personally think you should talk to him about this. BUT only if you can see that through this negative experience, something much more positive has come about. In other words, you need to forgive him and move along. True forgiveness, not I wont say anything about it until you screw up sometime, and then I will bring it back up.

 

Understand that you can take this negative "unfaithful" behavior and change it completely to a positive result. The marriage is positive. The relationship is stronger.

 

Heck if all unfaithful behaviors had this result...

 

Take care and good luck.