Do I accept a group invitation from my ex?

[rapunzel]

Last night my ex emailed a group invite to everyone in our group to see if anyone wanted to go to a music show this weekend. On September 4th he had a talk with me where he didn't break up with me per se but told me that he could not be intimate with me as it was "overwhelming" him and his ability to grapple with some life issues he is facing at mid life and he could not give me what he felt I deserved. He asked if we could still spend time together and I told him "I don't know". When I asked him if this was "it or were we just taking a step back, he said there was "nothing in him that wanted this to be "it"! (meaning over, kaput). I think we left it as a "step" back but it felt like a break up to me.

 

He used to do these emailed group invites last year when we were broken up and he told me after that he figured I would be the only one who would respond and a couple of times that was the case. Another colleague told me that he felt these previous group invites were "fishing" expeditions that my ex used to see if I would go. It does seem strange that a middle aged man would do this but my ex is fearful or at least ambivalent about being in an actual relationship, at least with me, and the same thing happened with his ex (he was ambivalent with her, and she finally gave him the heave ho....and he was quite depressed when she started dating someone else).

 

So I wonder if this is a "fishing" expedition, an ice breaker, or is he trying to spend some time with me where it will be less intense and there will be other people around (since one guy did respond yes, which is unusual). Since I do have to work with my ex, and one other person already responded yes (but I wonder if I'll bring a woman he is dating) I am wondering if I should say yes. It might break the ice a bit but I don't know if I'm setting myself up for "friends" which is something I may just have to accept anyway since we work together.

 

Or if I go and am light, breezy, happy, have a great time, it may make him realize what he is missing with me and reignite some attraction. It's a crap shoot but I'm wondering if I should accept. Thoughts? Is it too soon?

[Batya33]

Since he doesn't want to be with you as you want to be with him (whatever verbage he used) and you've shown many times now that you cannot handle being around him without being tempted to regress into banging your head against the wall, metaphorically, and since you say you'd like to move on I'm surprised you'd consider seeing him when you do not absolutely have to. You don't need to be his friend (and I get the close connection being in a band together). If you insist on remaining in the band you have to work on keeping it to a colleague/polite acquaintance interaction at most. In my opinion.

[abstar]

Would this not just cause you more un needed pain.

If you go there and he shows no attraction to you, or even brings someone else along?

 

I'm not sure but i'ld say if you feel there is no way of you two getting back together then dont put yourself through unessesary heartache...?

 

xxx

[rapunzel]

Yeah, on further reflection I realize I didn't give this a lot of thought before posting.

 

I had been doing some reading on Mars/Venus message boards and based on some stuff I read there, I thought a friendly gathering in a group might be a good thing and might lessen the pressure he probably felt when he was with me. The pressure to actually enter into a relationship... which obviously he bailed on. I do feel we had a strong connection - I was there, experiencing the time with him - and I know based on his history and what he has told me he has a problem with commitment. I'm not convinced we don't have a chance...but then again, I could be totally kidding myself.

 

It's just a repeat of his past behavior and his past behavior is a good indicator of his future behavior. It would just be more push me/pull you with him being unable to commit.

 

I am going to try to meet other people and date other people...I just haven't gotten that %$#@ internet ad up yet.

 

I highly doubt he would bring anyone else, e.g. another woman. If he had a date he would not be shooting out a group email...

 

Anyway, I have a big event the next day I am working at so I am going to decline. Do I just say "sorry I have other plans but have a great time" or do I say "I would like to go but I have a big event on Saturday that means I need to make it an early one on Friday"....or I could just NOT respond.

[sine]

it's really about YOU-not him. can you handle that sort of situation. are you going to feel ok if he puts some distance between you and him at the event, or acts a certain way because he doesn't want to lead you on?

 

i'll give you an example: i was dating a woman recently who i liked, but i'm not in a position where i can give her what she wants. so, as much as i've wanted to spend time with her as a friend (because i really dig her a lot), i realise that me being there even as a friend might be interpreted as something more & lead her on. and i don't want to lead her on because i respect her a ton.

 

i don't assume to know exactly what he wants, but in my mind, the dude should have given you guys some time apart (some weeks to allow emotions to dissipate). he's trying to have it both ways, and that's not cool.

 

do you still have some inkling of feelings for him? then don't go.

[rapunzel]

Well, if I was going to go (which I don't plan on doing....at least at this moment), I'd have to go prepared for ANYthing...I would expect it would just be like a friendly, group outing with a bunch of people I've been working with musically for the last 1.7 years.

 

It has been less than 3 weeks since our "talk". He called me last week, I did not pick up. He sounded somewhat emotional, said he did not want us to just stop talking outside of rehearsal as that seemed "wrong and....crazy". I called him back 2 days later as I needed to ask him to do a business related thing that only he could do and we chit chatted very briefly about our performance this past weekend, kept it to business and no relationship talk. Our show went very well, I was very calm, cool, confident and I had a lot of people/friends there, was talking to some guys at the end of the night. One male friend in particular and I were engrossed in conversation and my ex definitely seemed to take notice. He even backed up several feet and just stood there, we both noticed, as he was apparently trying to eavesdrop on our conversation.

 

I know he cares for me and respects me, he has told me several times. He even said "I love you very much". I know they are just words...and his actions don't back up his words.

 

Umm....yes, I do still have feelings for him. It's only been 2.5 weeks! Why would you suggest I go if I still have feelings for him?

[Yodabell]

I think you are doing the right thing for you in deciding not to go. I would reply, but make it short and polite. Just 'thanks, but I'm busy then' is fine. No need to give details about where or why or who or how you're busy. So you have then been polite (as you still have to work with him) but are very clear that you have other plans.

 

You need more time and space from this situation. And so does he.

[rapunzel]

Well the update based on an email my ex just sent to the group is that one married guy and his wife are going, he asked this other guy who was interested how many tickets he wants (he is dating someone, recently), and then says he's going to order tickets tonight. He then says "last chance, anyone else want in???"

 

I highly, highly doubt he would say something like this, which is such a dangle to me specifically, and bring another woman. He is not a cruel person, at least I don't think so he would stoop to something like this so soon after what happened.

 

I was going to email back and ask if they were going to the early show, and if not, then I'd have to decline....I dunno. I'm feeling tempted and I need more input. It would be very likely be 3 couples if I went...and he MUST know this.

[browneyedgirl36]

Rapunzel -- I think you made a good decision not to go. I really, really think that there's a limit to how much most people should interact with their exes. I work with mine, as do you, so there is some necessity for interaction, and when we do have no choice but to see them, then certainly being polite, even "light and breezy" (as opposed to looking sad and uncomfortable or being extremely cold) is a good plan. That said, I think that you should limit ANY unnecessary interaction with him. There's a limit to how much we can (and SHOULD) put ourselves through in terms of interacting with someone who has chosen not to be with us. I was invited to a barbecue at one of my administrator's houses over the summer, and for about two seconds I was excited about going. Then, I checked the list of others the e-mail was sent to, and there was my ex's name. Once I saw that, there was NO way I was going to go. If there was even a 1% chance he was going to be there, I was going to avoid it. I just didn't feel up to having to act all nicey-nice with him (and his girlfriend/wife) in front of all our colleagues, and I worried too that he would treat me differently -- i.e. act like he barely knew me -- if he brought her with him. So, I didn't go, and I was fine with that decision. I know it's tempting to want to go, and whether you realize it or not, there's some motivation to go just to be around him, just to see him. That's totally normal, but in the long run, it will be better for you if you steer clear.

 

MY suggestion about responding: Either don't respond at all OR send a simple e-mail that says, "Thanks for the invite, but I won't be able to make it." NO EXPLANATIONS -- he doesn't need to know why -- it's not his business.

 

I hope you're doing better. I am sending good thoughts your way.

[browneyedgirl36]

I still don't think you should go. I really, really don't.

 

I just don't have a good feeling about this. I don't really know what else to say except that you said yourself he has "patterns" -- this is part of one of his patterns. I just think it's way, way too soon to take him up on any invitations. I think you do have expectations, and you certainly have feelings for him, and I really think that going will make things worse for you -- that you will be on more of a rollercoaster than you already are with him.

 

Maybe I can't be objective because of my situation, but...I just have a feeling about this. My intuition has become very, very fine-tuned after what I've been through.

[SuperDave71]

I am so grabbing my duct tape!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[rapunzel]

OKAY SuperDave!

 

Thanks browneyedgirl for your response...and your intuition. I should trust my gut and the fact that I have any trepidation about going (and I have a good deal of trepidation, despite trying to convince myself that if I go, be light and breezy, look great and have fun with the group...that he would might see me in a different light and he would be attracted to me again, realize what he is missing, etc, etc).

 

I am NOT going. I realize it would be a bad move and nothing good can come of it. Even if he called me specifically to ask me to go I would probably decline. If I go I'm basically agreeing to everything on HIS terms. And despite him telling me 2.5 weeks ago that he didn't want this to be "it" between us, he has not displayed any actions that have made me think that this is not "it". At least not yet.

 

If he REALLY wanted me to go, would he not pick up the phone and ask ME specifically? Of course. Even then, it would just be as "friends" and 2.5 weeks is clearly not long enough to get to that point. My replying "Yes" would just be a big old ego boost for him....right? He would get the assurance that I'll be there for him, no matter what. And after the fun night out, I would go home, most likely feeling sad and lonely...

[rapunzel]

This is nutty, absolutely ridiculous... but I'm agonizing over how to reply with a "no".

 

I want to sound upbeat yet...not over the top. Like I don't care and I'm busy but I don't want to sound like I'm trying to be mysterious or trying too hard.

 

Should I reply to just HIM or to the whole group?

 

"Thanks for the invite but I can't make it...have fun!"

 

????

 

EDIT: I just sent it exactly as above. No big deal. On to more important things...

[abstar]

I think you should reply to the whole group, so he doesnt think you are trying to hard to purposly pinpoint him.

A general 'NO' is good- to the whole group i think that wont make you sound too Mysterious

 

 

 

xxx

[rapunzel]

Thanks Abstar...yes, I did reply to the whole group last night. I sent that "thanks for the invite..." reply that I posted before. Definitely the better choice to reply to the group.

 

So it's done, I'm NOT going and I need to go to bed early anyway that night as I'm performing at a daytime event on Saturday. Just as well. I can avoid the anxiety of wondering if going was the right thing to do by NOT going. Not to mention the worry and anxiety of what to wear, how do I look, does he like me or not, etc. If he wanted ME to go, he would have asked ME specifically. Casting a large net to our group with a dangle to me is just passive-aggressive behavior and not becoming of a grown man.

 

I'm afraid he is going to think I'm angry (I'm not) but this is just a thought, a thought can be changed. My new thought today is: I have no control over him, only over me. I am letting go of him and setting him free to do whatever it is he needs to do to find his own happiness. And reminder to self: I have no idea what is going on in his mind. It's silly to speculate what he may be thinking so today I am letting go of trying to figure him out.

[abstar]

I think thats a good idea and its nice that you realize that is what you need to do to make you both happy, sorry i failed to read the above post lool

 

Take care

 

xxx

[rapunzel]

Well...I just found out that he asked out another woman, someone who came to our show this past weekend who is friends with another guy in the band. They were chatting during our break. He even joined her and a friend on the dance floor briefly. I noticed him talking to her a lot but I tried not to think anything of it.

 

Less than 3 weeks and he asks someone out who is FRIENDS with one of our colleagues. Two of my bandmates who know about this are disgusted and have lost all respect for him. The bandmate who is friends with this woman is going to warn her against going out with him. They have gone so far as to say if anyone is going to leave the band it is going to have be him.

 

I have to say this hurts...very much...I don't have any details of if he asked her to go to this show this weekend that I declined, or what.

 

It is what it is and I have to just accept it and keep moving forward.

[CatsMeeoow]

R -

 

I am truly sorry... I'm sure that is very painful... and I understand your anger and your misery... I do..

 

But, in all this time you've tried to show a brave face and act 'as if' don't you think he might be feeling like it just isn't that important to you?

 

You've been so busy stepping around eggshells with this guy that you've never really told him how you felt. YOU never set up boundries.... You never let him know how you wanted to be treated. You just accepted whatever he offerred... sure you tried to make yourself unavailable... but that's not the same thing.

 

You hang on to your last conversation with him because you can't even tell whether or not your broken up... when did you stand up for your needs, feelings and desires???

 

Personally - it's not too late to ring him up and say "I heard about blah, blah, blah,... and this is how its making me feel" Life is messy, it's uncomfortable, don't worry about how you'll handle things at rehearal - you both are professionals so I'm sure you'll muster. BUT, seriously get this off your chest and deal with him directly and let the chips fall where they may.

 

I'm not trying to sound harsh but you've let this guy dictate this entire thing.

 

I am really sorry for your pain.

 

Stop letting band mates take sides... this isn't high school...

 

Address your issues with him directly will give you the best way possible to move forward - whatever that may be.

[rapunzel]

I started another thread on this....

 

I did tell him that I did not know if we could just "hang out" after we had the talk 3 weeks ago. I told him that I DID want a close intimate relationship in my life and it was not going to be with him, it was going to be with someone else. I have not contacted him since, I did return one phone call and kept it to business. I thought that is what one is supposed to do in my situation.

 

It's true, I have been putting on a poker face as I don't know how else I would deal with him professionally. I mean, I have to get on STAGE and perform. How could I do that if I'm a basket case? Most people advise you don't let them know how hurt you are, especially when you have to work together.

 

My colleague who is friends with this woman does not know that I KNOW about this. I heard through another bandmate who told him. So I would have to check with my other bandmate first...