How can a guy get over the fact that looks arent everything?

[bijoux27]

If you are a hot looking guy it's most likely you will cheat unless you have a low sex drive.

 

If you are a HOT,RICH, FAMOUS guy it's a guarantee you will cheat!

 

Ha. Good luck with that logic.

[Lowconfidence]

Right then, so the moral of your story is...

 

'if you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a hunky guy your husband'..... LOL

 

well if you don't mind being cheated on. but if you do marry a rich famous guy you could always take half of his earnings.

[Lowconfidence]

Ha. Good luck with that logic.

 

It's good honest logic. A good looking male will cheat because he can. Don't blame him because he women asking falling all over him. You can't control his sex drive.

[HeartGoesOn]

don't worry bro... females are the same.... in fact they are more shallow than men... they want a tall, handsome man that is rich and flashy and powerful

 

 

 

I disagree with that opinion.

 

I'd rather have a man that is honest, loyal, and respects women. I'm not into the "Hollywood crowd."

[bijoux27]

It's good honest logic. A good looking male will cheat because he can. Don't blame him because he women asking falling all over him. You can't control his sex drive.

 

Anybody CAN cheat because they can, regardless of looks. Ugly people can cheat too.

[Lowconfidence]

Anybody CAN cheat because they can, regardless of looks. Ugly people can cheat too.

 

True. But when you are good-looking male it's more certain you will cheat because you have more choices/opportunities. Ugly people have less chances.

 

I don't know why women get so defensive when you say most good-looking guys will cheat. I know it destroys the dream but it's reality.

[bijoux27]

True. But when you are good-looking male it's more certain you will cheat because you have more choices/opportunities. Ugly people have less chances.

 

I don't know why women get so defensive when you say most good-looking guys will cheat. I know it destroys the dream but it's reality.

 

I got defensive? Ok. All I did was wish you luck.

[Rising]

This idea that men are more visually stimulated than women is actually untrue. It's easy to accept because of the pairings we see in the world, and the fact that guys are a lot more visibly stimulated by visuals. A recent psychological study examined the areas of the brain stimulated when seeing someone of the opposite sex (they used ratings and varying levels of attractiveness in the photos). They also had men and women watch pornography and found that women were just as aroused (if not more aroused) by the visuals.

 

Men and women are motivated by different things when seeking a mate... at least they were traditionally. So men would look for a healthy, young mate who could provide children and women would look for a financially stable protector. Culture and society have changed so the rules have changed. Now men and women can go out and seek as they see fit. Women can be just as 'shallow' as the guys who are just looking for something pretty. Men can 'go for the gold' as well.

 

I think you already know the answer to your questions though. You recognize that the ideal isn't a true need in your life. A perfect body likely won't come with a perfect personality... so you have to chose what is important to you in your life at the present time. I've found that overly attractive people usually (not always, so don't flame too hard) don't have to develop their personalities as much as someone who is less handsome/beautiful. Sometimes they end up vain, arrogant, and even have self esteem problems because they have to maintain it.

 

A girl that turns heads can be nice if that somehow gives you a boost... but in the end does it matter at all who else thinks the woman you are with is attractive? Half the time its more drama because she will be hounded by tons of idiots all through your relationship.

 

I say just let go of these thoughts. Or go out and get yourself one of these hotties and realize that it's not what you made it out to be. When you realize that the important thing is finding someone who you can spend time with and can truly love for who they are all of the most gorgeous girls in the world won't make a bit of a difference.

[Rising]

True. But when you are good-looking male it's more certain you will cheat because you have more choices/opportunities. Ugly people have less chances.

 

I don't know why women get so defensive when you say most good-looking guys will cheat. I know it destroys the dream but it's reality.

 

I don't think this is true on the common person's level. Maybe with celebrities, but that isn't a norm. Average Joe isn't going to cheat just because he's got the opportunity. A cheater is a cheater, and the people that aren't can have all the attention thrown at them and still not cheat.

[Tears May Fall]

Thanks for the replies, and as always ofcourse things go off topic, like talking about Brad Pitt being an indefinite unfaithful man. I wont go into my thoughts on infidelity because that can go on forever. However, I can say one thing, if you're trully unconditionally happy in your relationship, most people wont cheat. A cheater is a cheater, whether theyre happy, not happy, good looking or not.

 

Now yes, physical attraction in a mate is very important, it is what initially brings two people together. But only personality and chemistry keeps people together. If i met a REALLY hot girl, but she had no personality, couldnt hold a conversation, wasnt intelligent, didnt have goals, and it was nothing more than "arm candy" and sex, than I wouldn't stay with her. These are things I realize and know. I know its obviously more important to be able to click with that person and enjoying being around one other than just being able to look at her and say shes hot.

 

I think my issue is definitely a self esteem/narcissism issue. Although im a good looking guy, tall, in shape, well educated, make a good living, and ive always been told I have a great personality and am fun to be with, Ive kind of been a bit narcissistic throughout my life. It wasnt until recently that I realized I was a bit of a narcissist, and Ive seeked professional help for it, but it only helps temporarily. I usually go through roller coaster thought processing.

 

I will completely understand on most days that looks aren't everything, that having a great bond with a woman and being able to share a special love with each other is more important than anything else. But on some days Ill become very shallow and subjective. Ill compare everything. Ill compare my girl (ex's im referring to in this case) to other girls I see. Ill wish my girl was like this or that. I wont break up with her, but instead continue to dwell on the thought of her possibly "becoming" a certain way. Its messed up, Ill actually create a model of her Id want her to be in my mind, and then from time to time throw little hints in here and there to make her the way I want. It would continue being that way, we would break up and then later on Id look back in retrospect and say to myself in regret that she was a great girl and why did i mess that one up. And yes i know, u cant change anyone or make them into anything other than what they are and u have to learn to accept them as they are or stop wasting their time.

 

This isn't an issue of finding the "perfect" girl for me, because my definition of what I want in a girl changes as soon as I see or meet the next one. I have done this pretty much with almost every girl Ive been with. I was almost never completely satisfied with anyone, always wished there was this or that which could be different. Whether its to gain a little weight, lose a little weight, change something about their personality, etc. Its like my mind plays games against me to never allow me to be satisfied.

 

This also isnt only with women, its with a lot of things. One day ill love my car, the next day I'll wish I bought the BMW instead of the infiniti or the benz. One day ill enjoy and love my career, and the next day ill wish I was doing something else instead. I cant ever really make up my mind on anything.

 

Also, Ive always been very critical. I have something to say about everything. Ill look at people like objects of subjective opinion. Every girl I see, I will almost ALWAYSSSSSSSS find something "negative" in them and say it in my head. Like yeah shes good looking, but I dont like this or that about her. Shes got a pretty face but her body could be better. Shes too dark skinned. Her butt isnt big/round enough. I dont like the way she dresses. Or im attracted to her but her personality could use some work. And this isnt only about girls im dating or seeking interest in, its EVERYONEEEEE i walk accross even in the street, at work, at clubs, EVERYWHERE!! I keep most of it to myself. I keep most of it bottled inside. But it also gets me depressed. So many friends of mine tell me I have a great life and shouldnt ask for more, but I tend to continue doing so. These are morally wrong behaviors and thoughts to be having. Its not right of me to continue behaving this way to others in my mind. Im sure theres a lot of shallow people out there that say all sorts of negative things about others in their head, but I dont want to be one of those people. Im sure a lot of this is also a selfesteem/depression issue. I also then tend to beat myself up over the fact that I am this way and cant break out of these habits.

 

My last girl was the most amazing, sweetest, loving and intelligent girl I ever met. She had a one of a kind personality and we clicked really well. My friends always told me I have the coolest girlfriend. But because she was short, wasnt the most hottest girl, didnt dress the sexiest, I was always creating negative thoughts in my mind about her. I really loved her because she was such a great girl and treated me like no other ever did or probably ever would, but it really hurt me inside that I would always look at other and be thinking "I wish she was a little bit more like this or that or if only ______"

 

I dont want to continue constantly messing up with every girl I get with and then regretting it later on when I no longer have them. Ill think I can get every girl I lay my eyes on, and then when I approach them and get rejected for whatever reason, it'll be like my reality check and Ill say to myself "I cant have them all" or "I cant have everything." But then the next week or a month later, ill eventually just go right back into thinking that way, believing that im being confident but instead later on realizing its my stupid flaws that making me think and act this way.

 

Im just wondering if ill ever break out of this behavior pattern...I dont know where to start. Everytime I start and begin thinking on the "right" track and getting the narcissist thoughts out of my head, eventually ill just go back and forth, on the roller coaster Ive always been riding...

[Tears May Fall]

Oh and as a result of this realization process Ive been having about all this over the past year or so, I havent really been dating much. I feel like I dont want to entangle any girl into my issues, and that Im not a worthy guy for any girl to waste her time with. Ive avoided getting back with my ex even because of this. I also cant move on from her because of this too. My constant confusion with what it is that I want.

 

What trully satisfies me??

 

I cant figure out what I want, and I cant just keep getting with girls because they come along and say ok ill see how this one goes. Most of my life, the girls Ive ended up with are a result of luck and them asking me out or making it obvious they have an interest in me and it just going from there. I have to learn to seek out my own desires, but first I have to figure out what it is that I actually desire, and if i can keep that desire a steady one....

[Pegasus]

OP, in many cases, looks is all you get so it's not very wrong what you're saying This is based on real women I personally know (some of them even in my own extended family).

 

We're all shallow in a way and there is nothing wrong with that. It's just the way it is. There is no difference in "I won't date him/her because he/she does not have college degree" than "I won't date him/her because he/she is fat". Both of those are personal choices and there is nothing wrong with them.

 

Why does it bother you in the first place? If you're good looking, you can choose whatever you want and I'm real proof of that. When I was wimpy guy with crappy body I had almost no success - but now, when I do look good....it's easy to get girls.

[psychoanalytical]

Well it's to do with ur willingness to be patient.

 

The hotter the girl, the more assets u need to attract her - ie. looks, height, money, personality, style, knowledge, humour etc etc.

 

So it's a matter of whether u want to take time to accumulate enough of these attributes so that u can make a splash in exchange for opportunities to date more attractive girls.

 

If not, then one would be happy to compromise and stick with girls who require less time and effort in building up these things.

 

Some are unwilling to compromise, yet not patient enough to develop themselves, and this is where problems occur.

 

Others are unwilling to compromise, but they're willing to take the time to better themselves, and they may be able to attract more attractive girls.

 

What I'm saying is there are two types of idealists in this world - dreamers who wants things to go the way they want but does nothing and practical idealists who are willing to put effort into bridge ideals and reality.

 

Bottom line is, there's no free lunches. The more u want, the more effort is required. U can't get something for nothing unless u are naturally tall and handsome with parents who drive Beamers. And I suspect most of us on ENA are not.

[Batya33]

I don't see the link between "bettering oneself" and getting someone who looks hot. It equally could be that if you change yourself so that you can get someone who looks hot to notice you, you are ignoring your true inner self and putting on some kind of show. I don't think of someone as superior just because the person has a hottie on his/her arm. In certain cases, I might see it as inferior.

[CaptainPlanet]

Looks are pretty much everything. I don't think you need to get over that fact. Like you said, good looks make you like a person it is the same with everything in life.

[Gratsy]

I'm always amazed at the shallowness that shows up in some of these posts. Its like a car wreck--- I can't help but look. And I can't help but comment.

[Gratsy]

looks aren't everything, but you should be with a partner you are attracted to. otherwise, what's the point? regarding the head turning - is it that you like the ego rush of having acquired the most beautiful woman in the room? personally, i wouldn't want to date brad pitt, i'd be tired of women throwing themselves at him all day. see, even jennifer aniston, as beautiful and perfect body as she has, she couldn't even keep brad away from other women.

 

i think it's rather silly when i see guys who look like george castanza from seinfeld thinking that women like heidi klum are their due in life.

 

I agree with this! Same here, I honestly want a diamond in the rough type of guy--- someone I'm attracted to that other women can't see how great he is.

[Batya33]

I'm always amazed at the shallowness that shows up in some of these posts. Its like a car wreck--- I can't help but look. And I can't help but comment.

 

But according to your own opinion aren't you shallow to want someone you are physically attracted to? I think we all have some shallow preferences when it comes to romantic relationships - well at least most of us. I'm not afraid in the least to say that looks matter to an extent - but that's not the same as saying that the person must have certain features or body type or be a "hottie".

[Gratsy]

I think that men who care a lot about what their friends think of their gf have really weak minds.

 

 

 

 

More women throw themselves at good looking men, I won't deny that. But being good looking DOES not mean that you will cheat--- those who have morals don't do it and I've seen it first hand. The problem with this whole forum is that it has a skewed perception of reality b/c a lot of cheaters have issues with relationships and so they come here wondering why they have problems. Some people here have problems for different reasons, like me, that aren't related to things that are so obviously their own fault.

 

 

 

That is not a guarantee. Its true that power has a way of corrupting men when it comes to sex (cheating and the like), but not necessarily.

 

 

 

I sometimes take offence at stupidity even if thats stupid itself considering the sources.

 

 

 

I think you know what you are. You do have many issues and I'd feel sorry for any woman in a relationship with you. I'm not trying to be mean--- but the first step is recognizing it, at least. Women aren't objects for you to discard when there is an upgrade.

 

 

 

I think its a good idea that you don't date.

 

 

 

Yes, I don't demand that they be conventionally attractive like some of the men on this forum. It isn't shallow to want someone you find attractive. Its shallow to assume that everything is based on looks. Attraction is an important factor, but looks aren't everything. The heart is far more important than looks.

[Batya33]

I think it's a matter of opinion. Why isn't it shallow to want to be attracted to the outside of a person? Isn't that the very definition of shallow? And, assuming that is "shallow" - what's wrong with admitting that in addition to preferences that have more depth, you also have preferences that are more shallow? I agree there are degrees of shallowness but I don't think you can say with a straight face that wanting to be attracted to someone's physical appearance (whatever he looks like) is not "shallow" but having a physical type is shallow. It's just degrees of shallowness.

[Gratsy]

I think it's a matter of opinion. Why isn't it shallow to want to be attracted to the outside of a person? Isn't that the very definition of shallow? And, assuming that is "shallow" - what's wrong with admitting that in addition to preferences that have more depth, you also have preferences that are more shallow? I agree there are degrees of shallowness but I don't think you can say with a straight face that wanting to be attracted to someone's physical appearance (whatever he looks like) is not "shallow" but having a physical type is shallow. It's just degrees of shallowness.

 

I disagree. I don't think its degrees of shallowness. I think that there is a line, but its difficult to define. Some things you just know through intuition. And I know that attraction is normal/biological and that a fixation on appearance is not.

[Batya33]

I disagree. I don't think its degrees of shallowness. I think that there is a line, but its difficult to define. Some things you just know through intuition. And I know that attraction is normal/biological and that a fixation on appearance is not.

 

It is only difficult to define, with all due respect, because for some reason you are not willing to admit that your desire to be attracted to the outside of a person is not "shallow" - but obviously you're entitled to judge others who focus more on outside appearance than you do as shallow but that your preference to be attracted to someone's outside appearance is not. Interesting, and also gives me a bit of a chuckle, so thanks!

[Jelina]

don't worry bro... females are the same.... in fact they are more shallow than men... they want a tall, handsome man that is rich and flashy and powerful

 

You can't generalize all women into the same category. Not all women are shallow just like not all men are. As for your description of what all women want you are very wrong. I don't want anyone tall, I don't like really tall men, I don't want anyone flashy or "powerful" or anyone rich.

[Gratsy]

It is only difficult to define, with all due respect, because for some reason you are not willing to admit that your desire to be attracted to the outside of a person is not "shallow" - but obviously you're entitled to judge others who focus more on outside appearance than you do as shallow but that your preference to be attracted to someone's outside appearance is not. Interesting, and also gives me a bit of a chuckle, so thanks!

 

Wrong, its difficult to define b/c some things are difficult to define. I'd rather not deal with contentious people right now.

[Batya33]

Wrong, its difficult to define b/c some things are difficult to define. I'd rather not deal with contentious people right now.

 

Oh, I'm not being contentious just commenting on your judgment that it is shallow to focus on appearance but not at all shallow to have a preference to be attracted to someone's outside appearance. If you're going to judge someone as shallow you of course need to be prepared to be asked whether you want to be attracted to someone's outside appearance - and as you admitted, you do!