Shelf life of friendships

[renaissancewoman101]

A poster on one of my threads told me to keep in mind that some friendships are only meant for a season and not long term. Like it was meant for a short term in our lives and then we move on. Does that ever bother you, that when you make friends, get comfortable with someone, that the friendship may not last forever, may last a few months, a few years, a decade?

 

Some friendships, you just want to hold on for a long time, yet it doesnt turn out that way. Does it bug ya?

[floaterg]

yes, i've recently learned my lesson when it comes to expecting too much from a friendship...if you hold anything too close, you may get results that are the opposite of what you hope for

[hers]

Sometimes it bothers me when they fizz out. Like my friends back home, it's not the same when I go home, and I feel weird talking to the things I used to talk to them about. But it's still so fun to see them and be with them.

 

My longer-term friends I have had for years. My two best friends I've known since I was young (one since I was 4 and the other since 14). Our friendships are still going strong, and I can go weeks without talking to them and then suddenly speak to them like no time has passed.

 

It bothers me when I dont feel as close to some friends as I do others, but that just means I rely on my longer-term friendships more.

[bijoux27]

It does not bother me at all.....as long as I treat my friends right while I have them and they treat me right, I would never have regrets. I would let them go if they had to go.

[JadedStar]

You are just like someone I know. He can't let go of any person he has ever met and developed even a minor friendship with. I hate to say this so bluntly but he is labeled very "clingy" by those who know him. His address book is rather huge but most of these people do not feel a reciprocal fondness. This man has people he tries to catch up with all the time even as far back as gradeschool. I have seen his interactions with people and think he has a hard time reading body language because they are trying to break free but he wno't let anyone he knows go.

 

I am 41 and in those years i have had so many friends and many of them have come and gone. There are a minor few that sustained over the years, and they sustained becasue we had an incredible connection and continued to keep common interests. When two people's interests and perhaps view on life or values change, the friendship changes. This is not to be viewed as negative. It is VERY normal, and some people instead of feeling this is normal get very scared and hurt by it and try to hang on despite that person perhaps trying to pull away.

 

Yes, some friendships DO have a shelf life, but this is not a negative thing, NOR do we know what that shelf life is when we enter them. The healthy mindset is cherishing that person while they are in our lives and IF circumstances change that sends them moving on in life they are not REALLY gone. We hold the memories and most of us also hold a fondness in our heart FOR them which makes them never fully disappear. Every friend i have had holds a place in my heart even if we are no longer "active" friends. It is very normal for people to move on and i have noticed Ren that this concept terrifies you, and since I am totally different it is hard for me to understand totally why that is such a scary thing for you.

 

Cherish your friends everyday while you have them and if they no longer are around one day, you don't stop loving them, you just wish them well because loving is also about letting go and wanting a person to do what is best for THEM, not necessarily us. When people can't let go and hang on past the duration that the friend feels comfortable it changes the dynamic and the friend becomes bitter and then you really lose them as a cherished friend.

[JadedStar]

it does not bother me at all.....as long as i treat my friends right while i have them and they treat me right, i would never have regrets. I would let them go if they had to go.

 

very healthy~!!!!!!!!!!! Loving them while they are here and not having regrets if it veers off in another direction is a VERY healthy mindset to adhere too. And letting go allows that friend to remember you in fondness vs if you latched on and would not let them venture off and do what they need to do in life.

[Batya33]

I agree with JS and find her input much more meaningful than the "season" cliche that is in one of many chain/mass emails that I regularly delete.

[renaissancewoman101]

JS, I don't cling to EVERY friendship though. I tend to cling to friendships with ex's or guys. With female friendships, I will let them go, if it gets too weird or it becomes too much me doing the work. I don't really keep in touch with most of my friends from my past or from my school days. I don't know what it is, but I tend to cling to my friendships with my ex's.

 

I don't have many female friends. I had more female friends in college, but people moved away and got married, etc., and it became too hard to keep in touch.

[JadedStar]

JS, I don't cling to EVERY friendship though. I tend to cling to friendships with ex's or guys. With female friendships, I will let them go, if it gets too weird or it becomes too much me doing the work. I don't really keep in touch with most of my friends from my past or from my school days. I don't know what it is, but I tend to cling to my friendships with my ex's.

 

I don't have many female friends. I had more female friends in college, but people moved away and got married, etc., and it became too hard to keep in touch.

 

 

Well i will ask you this then, why is it that female friends are not held as close? Could this be because you tend to latch on to the guys and ex's far more than a friendhsip dictactes? If so, that is something you might want to work on. I tend to interact easier with men friends as well, however, I would never say that i couldn't or don't cherish my female friends as much.

 

I think that it i might be because the friendships you are clinging to with males and ex's are energized by a sexual spark, or a consant hope of "what could be or what was" which isn't all that healthy since they are supposed to only be friends. If they pull away it could be that they pick up on this and don't feel comfortable wtih it.

[hers]

A guy friend of mine that I actually got to be pretty close with is someone I don't hang out wiht much anymore. He told me I am a "Debbie Downer" b/c I will talk about my Al-Anon program and such sometimes to him. I pay attention to the things I talk to now when I'm around him, and it's nothing depressing at all--I'm upbeat and laughing when I hang out with him, just as I am with other guy friends. So we aren't close at all anymore.

 

I told another guy friend, who knows that guy, what he said, and he said he couldn't disagree more--I'm goofy and obnoxious wiht him as I am the other guy (we've all hung out before).

 

Sometimes friendships don't go as well as you think and they must expire. I think there's nothing wrong with it. It's good that you don't cling and that you are aware of the friendships that are important to you.

[renaissancewoman101]

I tend to be the type that holds a few friendships close to me, and those friendships I will cling to.

 

As for female friends, the few female friends I've had, have ended up using me in one way or another, or monopolizing me to the point I can't stand it or deal with it and then I chop it off and walk away. My biggest problem in dealing with friends like that is that I stuff it in and don't get mad at people or complain, but when I get fed up with things, I will either blow up and cause the friendship to end, or else I will cut off the friendship and just walk away (not answer calls, talk or hang out with that person). I've done it to a few friends, including one girl I was friends with for about 10 years.

 

T seems to be the only person who can do no wrong, even though he can be a butthead of a friend at times. But he was also my first love. THat could be part of the reason.

 

I'm hoping doing the SCA thing and meeting people this way, I can make friends and expand on having female friends, although lately, I've been associating more with guys than girls.

[Ellie2006]

Well i will ask you this then, why is it that female friends are not held as close? Could this be because you tend to latch on to the guys and ex's far more than a friendhsip dictactes? If so, that is something you might want to work on. I tend to interact easier with men friends as well, however, I would never say that i couldn't or don't cherish my female friends as much.

 

I think that it i might be because the friendships you are clinging to with males and ex's are energized by a sexual spark, or a consant hope of "what could be or what was" which isn't all that healthy since they are supposed to only be friends. If they pull away it could be that they pick up on this and don't feel comfortable wtih it.

 

I kind of wanted to ask the same question but JS has beaten me to the punch.

 

I also want to know why you deem it too "difficult" to keep in touch with female friends from college while you're able to keep in touch with exes.

I would think it's much more difficult to keep in touch with exes, especially due to all the emotional baggage involved.

 

Are you not then saying that these female friends were for a "season" and not long term?

 

Anyways, back to your original questions, yes, it does bother me, to a certain degree, that you lose that close connection you had with a friend at one point. But people change and people grow apart. Sometimes the shared history is enough to maintain the friendship but I've found that those tend to be rather superficial and we end up talking about "the good ole days" which gets really old after a while.

[stella74]

I agree with JS. I've had a few friendships that have lasted almost 30 years and these are my closest friends. Other friendships have fizzled out or ended and I've let them go. I cherish the memories, but I move on.

 

It seems that you hold on perhaps too tightly to the friendships you have since you're so afraid of being alone. It also makes sense that you've had problems with female friends because you don't have a healthy relationship with your mother. It's like you never had a model for healthy female to female bonding. So I'd work on developing healthier female friendships and letting go of your friendships with men that aren't good for you (such as your ex-boyfriend). And also practice staying in the moment with new friendships so you don't worry about how long they'll last. Hope that helps Ren.

[renaissancewoman101]

If you never really had a good role model with your mother (to model female-female bonding), how does one go about having good female friends? I am friends with T's mom and we're pretty good friends. I go to her about things in my life that I would NEVER go to my mom about.

 

Ellie, with the female friends I had from college, we had a major falling out and consequently that ended the friendship. I also find it hard to find common stuff to talk about, esp since most of my college friends (female), have gone on to get married, have kids, and concentrate on creating a life for their family. I, on the other hand, still have a lifestyle of a young, single female.

[stella74]

If you never really had a good role model with your mother (to model female-female bonding), how does one go about having good female friends?

 

That's a really good question Ren. I think practicing with an older female who can mentor you is one way. Perhaps one of the reasons it's difficult to let go of T is because then you'd have to let go of your friendship with his mother. Back in my 20s, when I was having lots of difficulties with my mother, it helped to have some friendships with women who were 5-10 years older than me. They tended to be more mature and understanding. I wouldn't rule out women with children. One of my closest friends is older than me and has 4 daughters.

 

I think you've been trying but it's been hard due to other dynamics, such as the friendship with the woman whose husband tried to hit on you. So it's important to try to find a woman you feel you can trust. It would be best if you weren't also friends with her husband or boyfriend, for now at least.

[JadedStar]

stella is right, it is about finding females you can trust. I also didn't have a good relationship with my mom and that probably impacted my friendships with females in my formative years, we since have mended that fence but for a long time it was a problem. I just had to realize that females can be as great as males as friends and that i had to make a bigger effort because of my 'jaded' past.

[renaissancewoman101]

I know what you guys mean about making the effort. Lately, it seems I've been more making the effort to make guy friends than female friends, partly because also of the "attraction" factor. While making friends, I'm also on the "lookout" for someone to date.

[Batya33]

JS, I don't cling to EVERY friendship though. I tend to cling to friendships with ex's or guys. With female friendships, I will let them go, if it gets too weird or it becomes too much me doing the work. I don't really keep in touch with most of my friends from my past or from my school days. I don't know what it is, but I tend to cling to my friendships with my ex's.

 

I don't have many female friends. I had more female friends in college, but people moved away and got married, etc., and it became too hard to keep in touch.

 

I don't think anyone is saying you cling to every friendship. I notice this pattern of, when you are given feedback, you often take it to an extreme so that you can avoid a direct response perhaps? What would your response be if you didn't (mis)interpret (her and mine) feedback? (and I didn't say you always respond this way, just more of the time than not). It might be more helpful to you if you chose not to take the feedback to an extreme and instead evaluated it to see if it made sense.

[Batya33]

If you never really had a good role model with your mother (to model female-female bonding), how does one go about having good female friends? I am friends with T's mom and we're pretty good friends. I go to her about things in my life that I would NEVER go to my mom about.

 

Ellie, with the female friends I had from college, we had a major falling out and consequently that ended the friendship. I also find it hard to find common stuff to talk about, esp since most of my college friends (female), have gone on to get married, have kids, and concentrate on creating a life for their family. I, on the other hand, still have a lifestyle of a young, single female.

 

I worked hard to keep common ground with those of my friends who got married/had children. Much of the time, it worked well. I am hoping to be able to do the same with friends who are single when/if it's "my turn". As I got older, I got more selective with who I got close to because the pressure (that I put on myself) to be "popular" or part of the in crowd faded to nothing. That also made my friendships more genuine and based on real common ground rather than me "trying" to be someone I was not.

[bulletproof]

I guess you have to keep in mind that nothing, jobs, friendships, relationships, any of it, is meant to last forever. Everything is finite. Even a couple that's been together for fifty years will at some point experience the end of the union when one of them dies.

 

Clinging to anything is a futile exercise. One of my best realizations in life was that the more I resisted change, and the more I was afraid, the worse things got. Now I say, the more change the better. If you reframe your thinking it can help a lot. Instead of thinking about how a friendship has ended, think of the space it creates in your life for a new one to come along.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I don't know, I keep friends for a LONG time. I value my friendships, and I work hard at them. I guess I don't try to cling, but I do put the effort in. So I hvae dear friends from years ago whom I don't see every week/month (because of distance usually), but we will meet up once or twice a year, and ring each other, and generally work at it. I think that's a good thing, myself.

 

But maybe it's about not being too clingy? I was very close to a male friend about ten years ago, and since then he has married and moved away. So from seeing each other every day, we see each other about three or four times a year, and that has settled into a comfortable, safe routine. I don't fret about seeing him all the time, but equally I know that one of us will make the effort every three or four months. I love that - it's close but not clingy, and I think that will be maintianed about that level for years to come. I have a lot of friendships like that; equally I have the close female friends that live nearby that I see most weeks.

 

Yes, some friends drift away, but I don't see that as a 'shelf life', but just gaps before we reconnect.

[Snoopy24]

Someone sent me this poem awhile ago, and I think it holds a lot of truth to it..

 

People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

 

When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

 

..

 

When someone is in your life for a REASON,

 

it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.

 

They have come to assist you through a difficulty,

 

or to provide you with guidance and support,

 

to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.

 

They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are.

 

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

 

...

 

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,

 

this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

 

...

 

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away.

 

Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.

 

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.

 

The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

 

...

 

When people come into your life for a SEASON,

 

it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.

 

They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

 

They may teach you something you have never done.

 

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

 

Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

 

And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall,

 

the season eventually ends.

 

...

 

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;

 

those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

 

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);

 

and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life.

 

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

 

Thank you for being part of my life.