Question.

[Gracelove]

I am watching an episode of Oprah. And the girl Elizabeth smart is on the show.

 

She said something that kind of had me thinking....

 

Does anyone struggle with the question of "why?", and God, when it comes to their own Rape? Or sexual abuse? Or Molestation?

 

I truly believe that God loves me, and that everything will work out for good in the end.

 

Sometimes I wonder why though? Only when it comes to the thing of..rape.

 

I wonder why God allowed it to happen. And I immediately feel quilty for even thinking it's okay to question that.

 

And I think of all of the more likely possibilities. I could have been murdered, but I wasn't. There were so many things that could have happened that didn't.

 

And I'm grateful for that. I feel that God protected me, and made sure no further harm occurred to me.

 

But then I also wonder, "why?" Why did that happen to me, and nothing else?

 

I mean, in my eyes, I can see all of the wonderful things God did for me, to bring me through that horrible time.

 

All of the things I needed, all of the things that meant so much to me, and mean so much to me.

 

He gave me everything I needed.

 

And yet, when it comes to that one thing, sometimes I wonder why.

 

I think, at times, that maybe, this was meant to be a part of my life. Or I wonder if it is a diversion from the path I was supposed to be on.

 

Just not knowing, exactly, what it all means....

 

I think that bothers me a lot, just not knowing what the purpose was.

 

I wonder what it means. Am I supposed to be more catious, less trusting of people? If so, when is enough, how do I know when I've gone too far?

 

I just fear that I'm missing something. That maybe I'm not doing something right. That maybe I'm missing something, a lesson.

 

I was told, that when you don't learn a lesson, the same thing keeps happening, until you do.

 

So I spend so much time, evaluating everything, about what happened. I try to make sure that I haven't missed anything.

 

I just can't seem to find a balance.

 

I've thought about stuff, when it comes to my rapist, what did I miss? What did I miss when it came to his accomplice?

 

What lesson was I to learn from rape?

 

I feel I just need to know, so it won't happen again. I always tell myself that it won't, but I just need to know for sure.

[annie24]

i don't know if this will help you or not.... but let it go. not because it wasn't traumatic, or it didn't affect you..... but i think that the longer you hold onto these negative emotions and feelings, the longer you are letting these guys 'win.' they are keeping you from being happy, from living a happy life. i don't know how long it's been, but i think at some point, you need to stop analyzing, you did the best you could, and move forward. those guys did a horrible thing to you that night, don't let that torture last for years and years.

 

imagine a guy breaks up with his gf. she spends the next 8 months crying every night in her bedroom. ok, good to cry for a little while, but at some point, you just have to wash your face, put on some makeup, and get back out there into the world. living in the past doesn't help. spending 8 months crying is not doing her any good at all.

 

i don't believe that God wanted these guys to rape you. i don't believe everything is god's will. some things just happen because there are bad people out there in this world and they do bad things. you have to be strong, and don't let them get the best of you, or prevent you from being the happiest and most outgoing person you can be.

[greywolf]

It's not that God let it happen. I believe that God wants everyone to have free will. I don't think he wants to control anyone and force them to do good things. And unfortunately, that means that good people will be affected sometimes by what 'bad' people do.

[thejigsup]

The world is not perfect and God knows that. Those that can stick with his plan in spite of all the troubles and unfairness on earth will be rewarded. It's not that God allows these things to happen, He WANTS them to happen as a test for us. Heaven isn't for those who can't hang.

[Caterina]

Was she sexually molested when she was taken? I didn't see the interview, what did they say?

[Angel_baby]

What I see the bad things that do happen... as something that makes you stronger. You are the strong and kind women today because of your past.

 

Take something away from the past and you are taking away from who you are.

 

It really is sad how bad things do happen but taking from that bad and turning it into good is what counts.

[Gracelove]

Thank you guys for all of your support!

 

Annie24

 

I feel fine for the most part, but sometimes I have my moments.

 

Sometimes I get feelings, and I don't exactly know what to do with them....

 

Anywho, sometimes I feel that I've let go, but I realize I have more to let go of.

 

So thanks for the reminder.

 

And I love your gf/bf example, because I do the exact same thing when it comes to my ex.

 

I've gotten over the rape, for the most part I think. And now that past relationship bothers me even more than the rape does now.

 

Because I gotten a grasp on the whole rape thing for the most part, but not the past relationship thing.

 

I think that has got to be my biggest weakness, not being able to let go of things, that I have trouble understanding.

 

Grrrr. It's frustrating, but at least now I know what I most need to work on.

 

Greywolf

 

You're right, I lost sight of that. You're logic makes perfect sense.

 

Thejigisup

 

I've never heard anyone say that God wants bad things to happen to us, but I see your point.

 

There are people in the bible who've been wronged unfairly. I'm aware that God has a plan, that we're not always aware of.

 

Caterina

 

Ya, she was molested when she was taken. But she appears to be doing wonderfully now.

And she only had 2 therapy sessions! With her family.

 

Angel_baby

 

You're right, it does make you stronger.

 

I guess I'm just in a phase when I'm not really appreciating that fact, not as much as I should.

 

I still see so many changes that I have to make as a result of what happened.

 

But when I'm totally back to where I was before this happened, I think I'll be able to appreciate the situation more.

 

But I think you're totally right, our past experiences make us who we are today.

I should just keep things simple. I've learned a lot from the experience, so I guess that's all that should matter.

 

Thanks for your support.

[jcrisph]

I questioned God a alot last year when a girl i knew was raped in NYC. I dont know if you heard about the columbia University student who was tortured and raped 19 hours and left to die. if not here is the story

 

link removed

 

 

well i used to go to summer camp with her. My mom knew her mom pretty well and i remember getting home and my mom telling me something had happened to so and so and im like are you kidding me. A girl who was a "good" girl, the nicest person you would ever meet, never got in trouble, the Golden child, very pretty, good grades, always happy, went to church and was involved and something liek this out of all people happened to her. I cant imagine what going through her mind. If that happened to me i know i would of questioned God.

[stella74]

Hi Gracelove, your feelings are very common among people who've survived trauma. A part of it is the bargaining phase - "why did this happen to me?" or "if only I had done this or not done this, maybe it wouldn't have happened, so maybe if I make sure to do this or not do that, my life will be better." The other part is survivor's guilt - "why did I survive when others who've gone through something similar didn't or had something much worse happen", etc.

 

See this as part of your recovery and as Annie says, try to let it go.

[littlestar]

freedom and freewill god offers i believe.

[sparkles4]

After I was raped I became an atheist.

 

I wasn't religious to begin with, but that experience pushed me over the edge.

[Helena2011]

i also was raped at the age of 12. I still have a strong faith in God. I believe that he allowed this to happen for a reason maybe to find what i need to accomplish in you. i believe that i have found what God want me to in life and that is become a Child Psychologist for children that have been sexually, physically, and emotionally abused. I have not been to a psychologists a all for this and i am planning on going pretty soon. maybe you should consider going to get help....it's been 7 years and i still find myself struggling at times to get the image out of my head!!! andnow i believ it is time to get help!!!

[Gracelove]

Hey Guys!!!

 

How's it going?! Thanks for all of your responses.

 

When it comes to bad things, I don't think God wishes harm on any of us.

 

I can see where some people get the idea, but I don't agree.

 

God makes promises and he has to keep them. He promised free will, so he can't just take that back.

As a result bad things happen, people commit crimes etc. And the rest of us are effected by it simply because we share the same space.

 

It's sad, but it's the way things are.

That's my opinion anyway.

 

jcrisph

 

I totally feel for your friend. I'm so sorry from her.

 

It'll be hard for her to recover, but I think that in a sense it can be a good thing for her relationship with God.

 

After the rape I had moments when nothing was able to alleviate my pain. And in those moments I knew it was just me and God in it together.

And so, it meant a lot to me being able to know he's there.

 

And we never know why things like this happen. It's for God to know, and for us to survive.

 

And you never know what may happen.

 

Maybe these guys will be caught because of her? Maybe wronging her was the final nail in their coffin.

 

It's really sad, but survivable I think.

 

Sometimes you wonder why, and you want to ask God that. And I think that's only human.

And I certainly don't think God minds questions.

Some things are just for us to know, and others are not.

 

stella74

 

Thank you stella, you're always so supportive.

 

I do find myself bargining every now and then. It's still difficult to adjust sometimes.

 

I feel like I've accepted most things, but then sometimes I get frustrated, because I feel like I still have so much to clean up.

 

It's hard at times. Recovery is work, and sometimes I don't feel up to it. But, it's what I have to do.

 

I feel disappointed that more than 2 years have passed and I'm still not back to the way I was before this happened.

 

Sometimes it's just hard to stay encouraged. It's hard being patient.

 

Littlestar

 

I totally agree.

 

Sparkles4

 

l'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you, I know it sucks.

 

I'm sad it made you an atheist. Was your rapist a pastor or anything?

 

I have a friend who was raped by her father. And he was a "pastor" (and still is). Can you believe it?!

 

She's so sweet, but she hasn't outed him to everyone, even 'til this day.

 

She's better than me, because I would have posted flyers. She has proof he raped her.

 

In all honesty I think he's going downstairs.

 

Can you imagine how furious that makes God? Having someone claim to be a minister while being a serial child molester at the same time?!

 

It's really disgusting. But I think people who do that are really in for it.

 

I watched the special on A&E last year. It was SUPER sad. There were all of these people who were raped by this priest while they were children.

 

This guy was so demented he even compared himself to Jesus.

 

Anywho, he finally got his day in court and was sent to jail. In jail he was murdered.

They say he begged for his life. Although I can't remember was the people/person did to him.

I don't think anyone was punished either.

 

Anywho, one of the victims ended up killing himself, he was never able to fully recover. It was soooo sad.

 

You should be so proud of yourself. You survived rape, no matter who the perpetrator (sp?) is.

 

Don't let the rapist rob you of your relationship with God though.

 

I know it's hard to understand things, but it's the rapists that deserve all of the blame, in my opinion anyway.

 

Helena2011

 

I'm sorry to hear about your rape also.

 

I think it's wonderful that you want to help children who've been abused.

 

You'll be really good at it, because you've experienced such things yourself. You'll know how to help them through it.

 

I think therapy is wonderful. I can't wait to go back. It really helps.

 

Therapy gives you guidance. You are able to judge where you are in your recovery. You become more in tune with yourself.

 

It's hard to know what's what when it comes to rape.

 

There are the horrible times that you managed to survive, but what comes after that?

 

How do you know if you're healing properly? What if you're really surpressing things that will just blow up in your face later?

 

I think a therapist can basically give you all of the answers, LOL! I know that's not really true, but they can definitely see things you can't.

 

I think it's really good you want to go to therapy.

 

Omg, I totally remember how off I would be after a therapy session (a long time ago).

I would completely shut down, for about a whole day after the session. I would have a headache, was more depressed than usual, etc. etc. etc.

 

So don't be surprised if you have similar experiences.

 

Because when you have to talk about it, to a real person, Oh my gosh, it's awful! LOL!

It all of a sudden becomes very, very real, and it's not pleasant.

 

But such is life. As long as it helps in the long run, that's all that counts.

 

I'm the same way, images don't leave me. They stay in my head forever. So naturally, all of the images involved in your rape, will probably be with you until you leave this earth.