Think my stepdad has lied over his 'working hoilday'

[limelight]

Hey guys.

 

I live with my mum and stepdad and recently things have been quite financially tight. Im struggling to find full time work since finishing uni and my stepdad has had to call time on his funeral directors business due too lack of work. (cant really be helped i guess So the current situation is that my mum is the only one of us who is currently working full time and thereforee paying majority of mortage/bills etc. My stepdad has a somewhat dodgy financial history, many unopened letters lying around, CCJs, rather a few weird phonecalls where Ive heard him put on funny accents to avoid talking to certain people (credit card companies no doubt) Even so him and my mum have got into many rows over his lack of prorities over this finances...particually when it comes to hoildays.

My stepdad has travelled the world...is accustomed to going abroad at least once a year, says he 'doesnt see the point in living' if he cant have some enjoyment in life. Though compared to many people I dont think hes been short changed. To be fair he is trying his upmost to find work and isnt a lazy person, just suffers periods of inadequency.

Well the story goes my stepdad whose cruise ship crazy, is currently on the QE2. He claimed this was a working trip and was being paid to give leactures in cruise travel (something he is expert in) We didnt really question it as he has been crusing for years and has built up an impressive list of contacts in the industry. However things began to seem dodgy when he was adement we didnt let his mother know ( lovely woman but highly strung!) as she wouldnt believe him. Plus the conformation letters were not sent to the house.

 

More worryingly, one of my neighbours who we are all quite pally with, has bascally told me that hes aware this is not a working trip and that my SD asked him not to say anything as it was just 'Something he had to do' Some of you may be aware that the QE2 is going out of service his year, so this could be an emotional reason?

My mum doesnt know any of this yet but i have to tell her as it appears as if he has been lying through his teeth/getting more debt. But I dont want to stir things up as it could be a misunderstanding... what should i say to her!

[annie24]

Surely you can call the QE2 company and ask if there is someone aboard who is giving lectures on cruise travel? wouldn't they be able to tell you if he is employed by them or not?

 

why would you give a cruise travel lecture while on a boat? i don't get that.

 

you are right, it seems fishy.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I personally think you should stay out of it - its between your mother and your step father-

 

you have no real proof... everything you say is speculation and maybe your mother already knows...

 

if you feel that strongly about it- talk to your step dad - privately- and give him a chance to come clean to your mom.

[annie24]

while yes, normally i'd say that you should stay out of it...... at the same time, if the family is struggling financially, and the husband/stepdad is lying to his family and taking a cruise at the same time when credit card companies are calling, that is not prudent.

 

how much is this cruise company paying him? presumably, he should get a paycheck or a deposit in the bank once he is back from the trip. your mother should check on that. or... let me guess, he'll have some excuse about why the money wasn't deposited.....

 

personally, i'd just call the cruise ship company and ask if you have someone by that name giving a lecture on board.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think that since they have joint credit, if he is lying and running up bills, then perhaps the mother should know.

 

Also, a lot depends on how long he has been married to the mother... is this just a temporary financial problem with a long term spouse, or some relatively new guy she has met who might be a con artist and will wreck her credit, lie, and use her?

 

I think if there is some way to independtly prove he is lying then you might tell her and present her with the proof. But if it is just heresay and you can't prove it, she might not believe or you he may continue to lie and convince your mother you are the problem.

 

But if he claims he'll have money when he comes back and doesn't, that should be self evident that he is lying.

 

I personally think lying about money is as bad a problem as lying and cheating with other women. He is being deceptive and engaging in behavior that might really harm the whole family since her financial credit is tied to his. So i think it appropriate to pass on the news, but expect there to be a big flap when it all comes out.

[limelight]

I rang the company but they said they were not able to give private details of individual people on board I know they do have regular people on there giving talks about voyages and stuff and I wouldnt be surprised he is giving talks but im starting to think he perhaps just got a discount on his fare rather then a full blown free hoilday on one of the grandest ships in the world.

 

Well theres no chance my mum knows about it as it would have been WW3....part of me things I should stay out of it but then I think if its true and as got away with it this time, he'll try his luck again, with my mum indirectly footing the bill for his financial mess.. I dont feel comfortable speaking privately about it to him as hes rather defensive and wouldnt admit anything anyway and it could make the whole thing worse. The thing is I dont think my mum has seen any real proof this is a working trip...so I dont think I should just dust this out of the carpet as surely it would come out eventually.

I also dont want a huge family fallout over it either....but if its true then i think its pretty serious

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

by telling your mom ...what kind of an outcome are you looking for?

[annie24]

Can they at least tell you if they have a staff member by that name - if he is really giving a lecture on that topic?

 

i think what the neighbor said was pretty damning.

 

did your step dad do anything prior to the trip that would indicate he was preparing a lecture? like putting together a powerpoint presentations, making photocopies, practicing a talk?

[annie24]

there is a really good book out there, you should read it - "Never be lied to again" by david lieberman. has good tips for sussing out the truth.

[limelight]

Bestrongbehappy

 

No they have been married over 10yrs. In all other respects he is kind and loving just a general family person. They dont have joint credit thankfully (my mum doesnt believe in that) but its still added debt which must be a burden to her. Plus just the fact its an insult to swan off on a so called free trip whilst shes working all hours to keep the house going. Its just been the last year or so things have been tough money wise.

 

The neighbour in person is jus a genuine decent bloke I dont see what uterior motive he would have to come out with this....

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think since you are an adult yourself, it might be easier to pass on this news than if you were a child.

 

Perhaps you could do it casually... sit down with her and have some tea and just tell her you heard something and wasn't sure if it was true or not, but you thought she might like to know.

 

Then perhaps talk to her about ways to help solve the financial problems or help her come up with a plan on how to confront him to deal with this. An adult child can be a very helpful sounding board for a parent if you approach it maturely.

 

If you definitely know he is hiding late notices on bills etc. from her, she needs to know what is going on if the bills are for joint credit that she has signed for. If it is his bills alone, then not her problem or yours.

[limelight]

annie- he packed some reseach he had done for his talk

healinghandswarmheart: As for outcome well I dont know: I just think she has a right to know what I was told today whether its true or not.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Well at best it is a very selfish gesture to swan off for a vacation when you mother is bearing the burden. But if he is lying in order to be selfish, that is the really big problem because you wonder what else he might be lying about.

 

Personally, if i were an adult child who found this information out, I would tell my mother since he is showing a willingness to dig them deeper into debt for a frivolous reason, and it shows what he is capable of.

 

Just be prepared for his anger, and decide whether you are willing to risk it. But then, he's the one who lied, so i'd just tell him he has to live by the consequences of his own behavior and that is not your problem.

[limelight]

Thanks be strong be happy

 

I agree with you, I just not able to keep quiet about this, but I just going to have a casual chat with her and not get too worked up. I know I should push the Cruise company further but its makes me feel really awful....like im snooping for dirt/ automatically assuming his guilt. I've got a good relationship with him I dont want this to be case....I want to trust him

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Yes, i would try to tell her as neutrally as possible, just state what you heard and say you thought she might want to know then decide what to do about it herself. Be supportive of whatever choice she makes in terms of what she decides to do about it...

[limelight]

Thanks for all your feedback

 

I had a chat with my mum when she got home from work and she was abit shocked but also said she had a similar convosation with the same neighbour a while back and also got the impression he doubted it was a free trip. At the time she wanted to give him the benifit of the doubt, despite the fact he is a bit shady about money we both find it unlikely he would blatenly lie to us. He is due home on wednesday. We have decided it is best to let the dust settle for a few days when he comes back, see what he has got to say. Then my mum intends just to sit down with him and explain what has been going on and whether he can just shed some light on the situation. I dont think having a slanging match as soon as he steps through the door will help anyone. Plus my mum also has to impart some sad news to him about a friend who has recently died We also just dont see how he could have possibly paid for the trip...its not cheap on there. He could only have got a dodgy loan, but he wouldnt have a way to pay it back. I really dont want to think the worst of him...tho my mum has said tonight that if she does find out he lied to her, she doesnt think she can forgive him And truthfully although I love my SD I wouldnt blame her either. He has also borrowed money from me recently (via my credit card) which he says he will pay back, so Id be very hurt by it aswel if it turns out he did lie

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Glad you had the talk and your mother took it well, but it is sad.

 

if he was having you put money on your own credit card to finance this trip, that is just terrible! i wouldn't lend him money again until you are sure he is not out of control with his spending on frivolous things when he's not working.

 

If your Mum really wants to, she can get to the bottom of it eventually... she really can't have him running up loans for things like this, so just be there to give her support and encouragement should the worst come out...

[annie24]

i think that there is something really wrong and dodgy about a parent (or step-parent) having to borrow money from their own child. i kind of doubt you'll get the money back. i'm suspicious.

 

your mom should ask him some questions about the lecture, ie, how it went, how many people showed up, how long the talk was, were there any interesting characters in the audience? etc..... if he doesn't want to talk about it, that's a bad sign. or if he says something like, "well, 30 people showed up, and i talked for 60 minutes, and then afterwards, about 6 people came up to me and asked me more questions about...." people who lie will make up numbers that are kind of all similar, or all multiples of one another. this is what the book says.

 

i mean, just the fact that you are on here posting indicates that there is a good chance he is not telling the truth. your internal alarm bells are going off. now, it would be different if for the last few weeks, you've been getting mail and phone calls from this company to prepare him for this trip. presumably, they would be sending him some materials, right? then it would have all made sense.....

[JadedStar]

Won't it be obvious he is lying when not only does money not go into the account they have together but money is TAKEN OUT as in his paying for this trip? There is no way my SO could hide or lie about something like this, the checking account would tell the tale, how would he get around that?

[annie24]

Won't it be obvious he is lying when not only does money not go into the account they have together but money is TAKEN OUT as in his paying for this trip? There is no way my SO could hide or lie about something like this, the checking account would tell the tale, how would he get around that?

 

yes, i am wondering too!

 

i wonder if he will just say that his 'payment' was free room and board. that there was no real pay. hmpf.

[limelight]

They dont have a joint account everything is kept separate.

 

As for borrowing money from me that isnt really unusual in my household as we all help each other out from time to time, and on this occasion I know the money was for the council tax as I paid it directly to them. Apparently the neighbour is abit miffed with him as he didnt service his car with him as planned...dont know if hes just trying to cause tension. I think my mum is gonna ask to see some sort of wage slip....despite how dubious it all sounds, ive no idea how he could have got the money.

[limelight]

He's home. We didnt really have to ask many questions as he was saying, that if his mum had cottoned on to his trip whilst he was away- he now had all the documents to hand that proved it was a working trip. He showed us And the cheque. Its true a few loans have now come to light regarding the businsess he hadnt been upfront about, he apologised to my mum he just said he didnt want to worry her. Shes abit annoyed though, understandably I guess. However I feel reassured that he didnt lie us over this trip now. Deep down despite his faults hes not that bad....makes me wonder what the neighbour is getting at though.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

excellent... glad it all worked out!