handyman867 Posted September 7, 2008 Share Posted September 7, 2008 Hey guys, i'm new to this forum and it looks like there is a good thing going here. Tonight is my birthday and this evening i broke down again and fell into my state of depression where i feel like ending myself again. just so you know, this is a common problem for me. however, the next day i always feel fine and would never want to hurt myself. that is the side of me everyone else sees. I have these fits of deep depression every once in a while, always late at night when i'm alone. My background is that i have been diagnosed with ADD a year ago but before that no doctor could figure out what was wrong with me. i have been diagnosed with such things as bipolar with potential for mania, depression, ODD, ADD, psychosis, mild tourette's, and a host of other things. problem is that before we found out ADD was the correct diagnosis i was placed on about 19 different heavy medications such as anti-psychotics and mood-stabilizers. all of these made me feel like i wasn't myself or made me begin to lactate (i'm a guy) and other messed up things those can do to you. Point being, how can i win in this world? I have already tried mostly all meds, received the "finest" medical advice, and been given so many chances to be happy. This feeling of wanting to end myself comes from this internal feeling inside my head that nobody likes me. Someone could walk up to me, tell me they love me, and i would just tell myself in my mind they had a grand master plan to embarrass me in front of everyone because they hate me and besides there is no reason for anyone to like me anyway. its like a constant racing battle in my head between the me that is truly happy and sees my future and the version of myself that just cant stand to feel this pain inside any longer. i feel like i am such a burden on the earth when i am in this state, the funny part is i know i am not but the feeling is too real. i know if i kill myself my loving family will all be devastated. i just can't shake this damn feeling (when im in the depressed mode) which makes me want to grab my dad's rifle and put one straight through my jaw and out the top of my head. is this what us humans title "insanity" to be? these unexplainable fits of pure hell? does anyone have any ideas what is wrong with me?? how can i fix something that has already been tried and failed in every way supposedly known to man???? could i just have all these disorders??? i think not. Link to comment
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