handyman867 Posted September 7, 2008 Share Posted September 7, 2008 Hey guys, i'm new to this forum and it looks like there is a good thing going here. Tonight is my birthday and this evening i broke down again and fell into my state of depression where i feel like ending myself again. just so you know, this is a common problem for me. however, the next day i always feel fine and would never want to hurt myself. that is the side of me everyone else sees. I have these fits of deep depression every once in a while, always late at night when i'm alone. My background is that i have been diagnosed with ADD a year ago but before that no doctor could figure out what was wrong with me. i have been diagnosed with such things as bipolar with potential for mania, depression, ODD, ADD, psychosis, mild tourette's, and a host of other things. problem is that before we found out ADD was the correct diagnosis i was placed on about 19 different heavy medications such as anti-psychotics and mood-stabilizers. all of these made me feel like i wasn't myself or made me begin to lactate (i'm a guy) and other messed up things those can do to you. Point being, how can i win in this world? I have already tried mostly all meds, received the "finest" medical advice, and been given so many chances to be happy. This feeling of wanting to end myself comes from this internal feeling inside my head that nobody likes me. Someone could walk up to me, tell me they love me, and i would just tell myself in my mind they had a grand master plan to embarrass me in front of everyone because they hate me and besides there is no reason for anyone to like me anyway. its like a constant racing battle in my head between the me that is truly happy and sees my future and the version of myself that just cant stand to feel this pain inside any longer. i feel like i am such a burden on the earth when i am in this state, the funny part is i know i am not but the feeling is too real. i know if i kill myself my loving family will all be devastated. i just can't shake this damn feeling (when im in the depressed mode) which makes me want to grab my dad's rifle and put one straight through my jaw and out the top of my head. is this what us humans title "insanity" to be? these unexplainable fits of pure hell? does anyone have any ideas what is wrong with me?? how can i fix something that has already been tried and failed in every way supposedly known to man???? could i just have all these disorders??? i think not. Link to comment
lapseinjudgement Posted September 7, 2008 Share Posted September 7, 2008 As far as all the medical explanations... i think many times doc's are quick to label and obviously that hasnt been working for you. your not alone we all get some nights of serious depression.. Ive had a few lately and it is a truly horrible thing. I guess i cant give any great advice besides, know that there are good people out there and even if you cant feel it there are people that care a great deal for you. Link to comment
thursday Posted September 7, 2008 Share Posted September 7, 2008 Welcome to the forum, I hope you will find some relief from your depression eventually. Have you tried meditation yet? Or simply practising mindfulness? Just be mindful of your own body. If emotions and bad thoughts pop-up in your mind, notice them, but let them be as they are. After a bit of practise you'll be able to just return to observing your body without getting caught up in the emotion. The more you practise, the faster you realise without a doubt that you're not your feelings. You have a choice to control your own mind, even if that sounds like complete crappola for someone with your conditions.. we all have the ability. It's like a muscle that needs to be strenghtened. Take a step back from all the misery, you know there's a healthy way out of this. Please take much care of yourself handyman.. Link to comment
handyman867 Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 Wow thank you so much for your replies lapseinjudgement and thursday. It makes me feel great that you guys read my post!!! I just wanted to say i have been to a doctor who attempted to teach me mindfulness, but he was way too opinionated every time something didn't work perfectly for me. That was over a year ago, however, and i think i will try going down that route again. might as well. Any suggestions or specific programs that have worked for you, thursday? you seem very knowledgeable in the strength of one's own mind. Link to comment
thursday Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Great, I'm glad you're not giving up on it. I'm just a beginner to meditation and mindfulness really. The last few years have been a struggle for me, more downs than ups. I've given up a few times, due to both positive and negative situations. The key is to practice and not give up, even when things don't seem to work.. Attachment to either positive or negative experiences sucks. Cultivating awareness through objective observation is the way out of this entrapment. Discipline is probably the most important quality you want to develop if you go into this route. & Okay I don't know if it's allowed to post links here, but tonight I'll send you a PM regarding a specific system I've been practising with the last few months. Link to comment
thursday Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 I couldn't reach you via PM, but I asked the admin and he told me it's fine to post the link here. link removed Link to comment
kuhl282000 Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 pray .....and ask for something you want ..... pray really hard ...... Link to comment
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