Another doomed argument. Is this the end of the road....?

[Hunny1607307342]

This should probably be in the 'Breaking up' forum. I didnt even know WHERE to put it. For those who had been following my VERY long story you'd understand why!!

I started properly properly posting on here during my first break up in October last year. I was separated from my boyfriend for 6 months. He was hostile and cold towards me and i thought we were never ever going to get back together. I was devasted. I blamed myself for everything. Although- it was MY fault, I can be a very very immature person once i lose my cool and get vulnerable, I go hysterical. Arguments were the problem. It wasnt working out.

After 6 months apart, we got back together slowly starting off contact (i wasnt aware of his intentions at first, and to be frank i dont even think he was aware of his intentions either) and then things worked themselves out. I found out that for the entire time he had been missing me and going crazy just as much as me. I promised him that i had changed and had thought about our relationship a lot (which i had) and said that our love is too strong to get in the way this time. He trusted me, i gave him my word and he gave me his heart again.

It was incredible for the first couple of months - unbelievable, too good to be true. But we started, slowly, getting back into the same pattern. This was a massive red light for me (and for him too of course). But we always had hope. This is what's always kept us together for 2 years (in total) just love, hope, devotion, and more hope.

But then there was one night that was just awful, it occurred about a month ago (I posted its occurrences on here at the time), i went insane, out of control. He broke up with me again. And i could have sworn that it hurt a million times more than the first time. I couldnt eat or sleep for that week. After a week i went to talk to him. He talked to me, but he said No, that he wont be with me, that its not working, that he cant trust that i can change.

 

A day later -- he found out i was leaving the country and went crazy. I did this partly on purpose, because i wanted to do something that would get him off his seat. I'm a huge believer in Love and just sacrificing everything for it. He usually believes this too - but when i dissappoint him each time, it kills his drive and motivation to be with me.

So anyway, he talked to me after he found this out. He said he cant forgive me but cant forget me. I talked to him and said everything will be okay because we love each other and we should be together. He was hesitant but he said he'll be with me because his entire life revolves around me - but he emphasised that it was the last time he'd open his heart out to me.

 

So everything was okay again. I thought things would patch up eventually and that it would all work out, we'd stop arguing and id stop being immature and stop taking his kindness for granted.

Stupidly, we fought more (whilst me being in france). About ridiculous things, that (As usual) went out of proportion. He always thinks im being unempathetic. And really, i should have seen the warning signs of things not improving, simply because he takes no responsibility in our arguments. So things surely were not going to change, and i should have known this.

He did threaten break ups on the few times we fought and i said it wasnt fair of him to keep doing that, and that it was immature. He agreed afterwards and said its true, that he'll stop saying we s hould break up and that its probably a learning curve after our last break up.

BUT we fought again a couple of days later and he really went mad and broke up in his raging anger. I went hysterical and angry (as usual). I threatened killing myself (VERY STUPID) to gain attention and after he said he's never going to want to talk to me ever again and kept rejecting my calls, I wanted him to call me, i wanted him to care, so i pretended i was going to kill myself in order to see all his calls pouring into my phone. I didnt pick up til the next morning where I really had a horrible guilty conscience and thought i really have to get myself out of this mess.

I sent him a text telling him this long story to get myself out of it.

When i did this he went mad, blocked me off facebook and didnt call or text me again. I tried to contact him several times and got no reply. Eventually i got a response out of him and he said I "need help".

The next day i decided to just call him and tell him the entire truth. I said that i lied about the whole thing, that i was so sorry, that im not actually a suicidal person at all and did it just for attention. He was angry, annoyed, said he's wasted his life, and said he's just been with someone the entire time who doesnt know the meaning of True Love - he said he thinks that i can never really love anybody with my personality - and that he cant trust me again.

Of course this was the worst thing i could possibly hear and i was more distraught that i had ever been.

So yes - this post really should be in 'breaking up'. But i havent spoken to him in a week now and part of me finds it easier not to do so simply because i think that he has a better memory of me when im not talking to him (no matter what i say). its almost as though ANY thing i say will annoy the hell out of him.

The weird thing is though, even though hes told me all of this.... Its just an exaggerated version of what ive heard a thousand times before. I know he still has feelings for me and i know that i was the best friend he had by far.

So i dont really know WHAT to think. He hasnt blocked me off msn which is bizarre compared to everything else, and he hasnt changed his relationship status on facebook (friend told me). So if he was so dead certain on all of this, why? I mean in the past, hes told me before that he feelings NOTHING that im a ZERO to him, that there is NO chance for us, etc.etc.etc. And he really says afterwards that he didnt mean any of it.

I do think this is the worst ive ever had it though - and it does feel like he means everything when i talk to him, and i do sense this massive energy of hatred.

Ive been sad for days but the main reason im posting on here is just cos my sadness has become something else this evening. Im feeling the same way he feels about me. I'm feeling anger and im feeling bitter and im feeling aggrivation of not being heard. He thinks i didnt put any effort into our relationship and burnt it down. im angry that he thinks that, and he is angry that thats the apparent truth.

 

BAsically, i guess the point of this is just that i wish he would stop hating me so that we could just be mature and kind to each other.

Its just all really sad. Sigh.

[Brokenhearted1607307810]

 

BAsically, i guess the point of this is just that i wish he would stop hating me so that we could just be mature and kind to each other.

Its just all really sad. Sigh.

 

Well, i dont know what to say to you, apart from i think you were very selfish with your actions towards him. For you to put your boyfriend who you supposedly love through the torment of pretending you are going to kill yourself - isnt right, it isnt rational and i can understand why hes so angry.

 

How can he ever trust you again ? You dont cry wolf with something that serious, and im inclined to think yes you have blown it completely.

 

Im sorry, but if he has any sense he will stay well away from you until you have learned to behave in mature way...

 

Please dont take offense, but if what you write here is true, then i think you need to seek counselling or anger management.

[Hunny1607307342]

I know its wrong, and i know its really really really bad.

I dont think i need help or anything like that though, its just that at the time it all happened because one thing led to another. I'm not trying to justify my actions im just trying to explain myself. He was hurting me and I was shocked that he could hurt me that much, so i wanted to hurt him back and stab him as hard as he stabbed me, hoping it would make him have compassion for me and stop.

Theres not deep physchological mental issues i have, which he seems to think i have, and by the sounds of it, you.

Its just something that got majorly out of hand.

Cant anyone understand my point of view on this?

I just dont get why how he can hate me over this. 2 years of arguments yes but also blissful love which has often been perfect thrown away because of this mess i made for myself on one single day. one afternoon even. i feel self destructive when i consider what ive lost.

[Brokenhearted1607307810]

This is the problem, you dont understand how he can hate you for what you did, because you dont understand why what you did is so bad.

 

From what you said in your post it wasnt just one day, you said you told him if he didnt stay you were going to leave the country - just so you could get him to stay with you....

 

I truly understand why you have done some of these things, you will say or do anything you're that desperate to keep him. But that makes you dangerous - this is bordering on obsessive.

I dont think you're a nutcase, please dont think that, but i do think you need help to understand why you are this way. It isnt normal.

There could be a number of reasons, even something silly like as a child you got lost in a shopping mall, and now have a fear of being abandoned.

 

We all have our issues, including me, but if you cant recognise that theres a problem, you cant fix it...

[Sparkle]

Hi Hunny

 

Please dont think im putting you down here but, i like the other posters, think it would be really helpful if you would consider getting into some counselling.

 

Not to be harsh, but people who dont deal with their emotions very well, dont often realise that they have a problem with dealing with their emotions!

 

From your post, you have said that you do go 'hysterical' (thats your own words) and even though you got back with your bf you still have these outbursts.

 

You have also embellished several times to get him back or gain sympathy.

Believe me, someone who starts threatening suicide, its a very devestated thing for someone who cares about you to deal with, and, its very scary and it completely takes no consideration for the other persons feelings - please, please, do not do this again to someone who cares about you.

 

Please reconsider talking to someone professional - what harm can it do?

 

Wishing you the best.

 

I applaud you for your honest post,

[Hunny1607307342]

Ok..the only thing is just that i would have no idea how to go about this. Its certainly not something id want to admit to my parents at ALL. And does it cost? I have no idea where to start.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with the other posters that you need some counselling. Threatening suicide just to get attention is controlling and manipulative and crosses major lines of what is appropriate behaviour. Your relationship with him is a classic dysfunctional, drama-filled relationship. If you can't afford counselling then look in bookstores and online for information on dysfunctional relationships, controlling and manipulative behaviours. Manipulators throw tantrums to get what they want...they don't think of the impact of their actions on the other person, they view themselves as the victim and that is how they justify all of their actions of victimizing their partner. You might want to look up personality disorders...in particular borderline personality disorder. I am not saying you have a full blown personality disorder..I am not a psychologist...but there are certain character traits that are present in many personality disorders. Recognizing those negative traits is a first step in trying to fix the bad behaviours.

[lady00]

If I remember correctly, you're a college student? If yes, your school may have free counseling services for students. You should look into that.

[Hunny1607307342]

I got to university, but i dont start the next term until another month....

I checked out borderline personality disorder on the internet (wiki). I guess some of its symptoms mildly remind me of my actions.

But how is that going to help anything, i cant go back to him and say HEY guess what i have a personality disorder. That's even more off-putting than the current situation (if it CAN get any worse, that is).

Everything just seems so shattered to me. I keep shattering my dreams. I spent 6 months wishing and praying that this guy would come back to me. And he did. With open arms. And then i managed to screw up for numerous other times. I dont know what the hell is wrong with me, why cant i make it work when he had been so willing so many times.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If you recognize some of the traits then instead of focusing on getting him back, now is the time to work on yourself and think long and hard about your actions. If you don't fix yourself, your future relationships are doomed to go down this same road. Work on yourself, understand yourself and fix the destructive behaviours. You are not ready to be in a relationship with him or with anyone as long as you behave in the manner you have. Take this as a learning experience about yourself and work on improving your mindset.

[Pegasus]

Wow....you're more manipulative then I ever was, and I was a master of manipulation.

 

Look....your biggest concern is to try to fix yourself. Don't try to get back with this guy because you've obviously don't love him - you're just scared that you will loose him and that is the base for all your actions. Believe me, I know what are you doing because I've been there myself and it's a really bad place. This guy deserves better and if he's smart, he won't look back again.

 

If you don't act on taking care of problems you have there is not a very bright future for you relationship wise (it might be very good business wise )- either you'll end up with a guy who will beat you when you pull trick like that or with a guy with 0 self respect who will stick to you because he can't get anyone better.

 

Choice is yours....

[Batya33]

Crazyaboutdogs gave you great advice. I am biased because when I was your age, my father was suicidal - for real, ok? Back then we had no cell phones so I remember calling him three separate times from payphones on a crowded street within a 30 minute time period on my way to school making up excuses just to hear his voice because when someone is really suicidal, anything they say that sounds off makes you worry like you wouldn't believe!!

 

I CANNOT IMAGINE someone using that as a way to manipulate my behavior having gone through the real thing with a loved one. Look, I'm a complete stranger to you, it might be futile for me to post this and hope to get through to you but your post made me shake and cringe.

 

Do the work on yourself - not to get him back - he should stay away from you if he's smart and that is not a personal attack on you, I think it is in his best interests not to have to live with someone on a regular basis who would pull something like that (even once, even if you stop justifying it all, even if you get help) but for any future relationships - and i include with friends, with family, co-workers, whatever, you owe it to yourself to get to the root of this and please find a therapist who believes in tough love because as much as you say you're not making excuses, in my opinion it's obvious that you are.

 

For example:

 

"I know its wrong, and i know its really really really bad.

I dont think i need help or anything like that though, its just that at the time it all happened because one thing led to another. I'm not trying to justify my actions im just trying to explain myself. He was hurting me and I was shocked that he could hurt me that much, so i wanted to hurt him back and stab him as hard as he stabbed me, hoping it would make him have compassion for me and stop.

Theres not deep physchological mental issues i have, which he seems to think i have, and by the sounds of it, you.

Its just something that got majorly out of hand.

Cant anyone understand my point of view on this? "

 

The therapist will give you tools to avoid the backpedaling.

[Hunny1607307342]

hey guys,

thankyou for your posts.

i really appreciate your hard-take on this and pushing me to recognise the gravity of the situation.

but, i think some of the comments are really unfair. you cant tell me that i dont love this person. i was wrapped up in emotion and i handled it in an outrageous way and i was only thinking about my self and fear of being abandoned by him, yes yes youve made me realise how phsycoticaly bad it really is. Though this does not mean i dont love him ,and it doesnt make me an abnormal person. I have a lot of really close friends who ive told this to, and it doesnt change my relationship with them because deep down they know im a caring person and good friend.

yeah i dont expect more chances from this guy. i always look forward to seeing him bumping into him somewhere because i havent seen him for 6 weeks but i highly doubt he'd ever forgive me for this.

You're all saying , take time out, fix this. etc. etc.

but i always recognise my fault in reflection, so i always feel like i've 'fixed' the problem, but then when i get caught up in a whirl pool gain i get lost and blown out of control again.

I can have lots of time to reflect and believe me ive sometimes taken entire weeks out to research on problems and try to figure myself out and figure things out . I think ive got it all under control. I write about it and think things through logicaly and feel like i have huge learning experiences that push me forward.

But when im pushed past my limit im not able to be that rational. i get hugely upset and feel the need to make drastic measures to ease the pain.

i dont know, this is not good.

[Batya33]

"but i always recognise my fault in reflection, so i always feel like i've 'fixed' the problem, but then when i get caught up in a whirl pool gain i get lost and blown out of control again.

I can have lots of time to reflect and believe me ive sometimes taken entire weeks out to research on problems and try to figure myself out and figure things out . I think ive got it all under control. I write about it and think things through logicaly and feel like i have huge learning experiences that push me forward.

But when im pushed past my limit im not able to be that rational. i get hugely upset and feel the need to make drastic measures to ease the pain."

 

yes, that's the problem.

 

I define loving as giving and giving that is other-focused (while of course not being destructive to yourself while giving). By that definition it doesn't much matter in the abstract if you "love" him - your actions were the opposite of loving.

[lady00]

i really appreciate your hard-take on this and pushing me to recognise the gravity of the situation.

but, i think some of the comments are really unfair. you cant tell me that i dont love this person. i was wrapped up in emotion and i handled it in an outrageous way and i was only thinking about my self and fear of being abandoned by him, yes yes youve made me realise how phsycoticaly bad it really is. Though this does not mean i dont love him ,and it doesnt make me an abnormal person.

 

I guess I'm wondering...what does this matter? What matters is that you love yourself and take care of yourself. Whether or not you love him, it's a thing of the past and you need to focus on showing yourself some love. You may not be abnormal, but you do need to change the way you respond to serious disagreements in relationships. Nobody's perfect, everyone needs to be constantly improving upon themselves.

 

I have a lot of really close friends who ive told this to, and it doesnt change my relationship with them because deep down they know im a caring person and good friend.

 

That's awesome...no one's saying you can't be a great friend. Trust me, I've acted pretty outrageously in one of my previous relationships (from obsessive calling to going places hoping to see the person...not saying you've done this, just giving examples of my own past behavior to say I know what it's like to behave and responding to a guy in outrageous ways) but throughout it all, I had amazing friends who helped me and pushed me to help myself. No one is questioning that you are a caring person and a good friend.

 

But when im pushed past my limit im not able to be that rational. i get hugely upset and feel the need to make drastic measures to ease the pain.

i dont know, this is not good.

 

You need to start taking responsibility for changing the way that you respond to being pushed past your limit. Different people cope in different ways, and the way you are coping is not healthy. Some people, when they get pushed to a certain point, simply take a break, walk away from the emotionally charged situation and come back and deal with it when they feel calmer. This may or may not work for you. The point is, you really should try to find some way of speaking to a professional who can help you develop better ways of coping and responding to guys in relationships when you are pushed to your breaking point.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Excellent points. I totally agree. I do believe you love him...but the actions are out of control and no matter how much you love someone, if your actions are obsessive or destructive to yourself and to the person you love then it is a dysfunctional relationship and the behaviours need to be corrected. For your own sanity, as well, you need to take a giant step back when you feel yourself getting desperate and panicked over losing someone. You need to focus on YOU in those times...you can't change how the other person will react, you can only change how you react. So instead of feeding the desperation and panic in those troubled times, take a deep breath and think...think about how you have made your way before without the person in your life..think about how you can function quite well and that your life will go on whether he is part of it or not..think about your future and all the wonderful things to come for yourself that are not dependent on if he is there by your side. When you feel the panic rising as someone is walking away, focus on YOU and divorce your mind of the other person.

[Hunny1607307342]

Thank you for the points. I will definitely be speaking to a councillor about this.

Ive been trying to figure out if theres anything in my past that leads me to this behaviour and there really isnt anything, ive never been abandoned and my parents have always been loving to me.

One issue i've always had though from a very young age is huge attachment to the person that i fall for. When i was 12/13 i fell madly in love, and i know it sounds ridiculous to suggest at such a young immature age that thats possible, but it was the centre of my life, really all i wanted. And it was in love with a 30 year old. The funny thing is that i obssessed over him for 3 years, and then when i was 16ish he actually started liking me too (i know, inappropriate, etc., you'll think its very strange) but we exchanged love letters via email for a few months and met up a few times (nothing HAPPENED at all) but I just remember being CRAZY about him. When he left i was in pieces. Basically, a good few years of my life were centered, centered around my broken heart. No matter how many people told me this is ridiculous and that i should just move on, i couldnt, i wouldnt, it was never going happen.

It wasnt genuine love of course, it was just an infatuation. No where near real love. I got over it after a few years and funnily enough though, 7 years later we still exchange a friendly email once in a while and there is mention of meeting up. I still get nervous about it and my heart still skips a beat. He left a huge mark on my heart.

 

But, THIS is a thousand times harder to deal with because i DO love this guy, I love him dearly, and hes the same age range as me and we have the same interests and many many of the same philosophies. I have given him a lot in the past 2 years, and ive always been there for him. I know i act so unreasonable towards him too but im completely and utterly Lost lost lost. He's deliberately being cruel to me at the moment and i find that purely horrible and unfair.

[lady00]

I know i act so unreasonable towards him too but im completely and utterly Lost lost lost. He's deliberately being cruel to me at the moment and i find that purely horrible and unfair.

 

You have the power to escape this by staying as far away from him as possible. Someone whom you are not in contact with simply cannot be cruel to you. You don't have to feel like a victim any more if you start to take responsibility from your actions, learn from them, and stay away from this guy, for both of your sakes.

[Hunny1607307342]

I do, thats why i havent spoken to him or anything for a long while now. I want to, but i dont. And the only reason for that is because i dont want to make myself feel worse than i already feel.

[lady00]

I do, thats why i havent spoken to him or anything for a long while now.

 

Sorry, but I'm confused. If you are no longer in contact, why do you say he is being cruel? How can someone you do not have contact with be cruel to you?

[Hunny1607307342]

Oh i just meant the last time we did have contact, which was about 2 weeks ago, and how he would act if i WERE to talk to him now.