MissBoo Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 Firstly, hello. I'm new here but have spent hours reading all your posts and the wonderful advice you have imparted to each other. I wondered if I shared my story, if you could input some thoughts and wisdoms.....please. I can't stop thinking about it and don't know what to do for the best. I met my ex, M, last November at a friend's party. He was in the final stages of getting divorced, sorting out all the financial stuff with his ex wife (he had had a 12 month relationship with someone else since splitting with his wife, he and this gf had broken up 6 months before he met me). He is the father to an 8 year old boy whom he sees as often as he can. I am 38, never married and no kids, he is 44. He completely swept me off my feet, was kind, caring, considerate, constantly in contact and we saw each other 3-4 times a week. Within 6 weeks he told me that he loved me, things carried on beautifully, we discussed a future together, said we were each others soulmate etc. He was concerned with a minor health problem I had which possibly might affect my fertility so was helping research treatments etc. I'd never really thought about settling down and having kids, but with him, I really did and also loved the idea of being stepmum to his 8 yr old. Our relationship seemed perfect; we met and socialised with each others friends and were constantly in touch via text if one of us was busy working etc. He allowed me to spend time with and get close to his son. Everything was wonderful. I felt I had met the love of my life. I had never had that kind of connection with another human being. He felt the same. M had a massive work project on the go and was very stressed about it, his job began to involve a lot of international travel but he was always in touch when he was away and tried to see me as soon as possible when he got home. It all started to go a bit haywire when his elderly father was rushed into hospital at the end of February, they were almost estranged but M felt he should do the right thing and be there for his father. I was very supportive, not minding that he had to cancel our planned weekend away, to go and be with his father. Then his mother got sick and had to have a heart bypass. Things still ticked along OK but he was clearly stressed with work and all these family issues and the ex wife/child. He had to go to NY for a week, on business, in April...this is when he had a complete meltdown. He texted me saying he was in meltdown, had uncovered lots of backstabbing with his work colleagues, felt his authority was being undermined and was struggling to get through each day and was considering resigning. He said his job was his identity etc and he felt he was losing part of himself and just couldn't cope. I told him I was here for him and that I was proud of him for working so hard when everything around him was caving in. I said I understood that he needed some space and time to sort his stuff out. He didn't resign and carried on with his major project flying between NY and London constantly. During this time I was the only one who initiated contact but he would always respond, always telling me that he was in a deep dark black hole, that he was struggling to be a father, let alone 'be' anyones boyfriend. He said that when depression (he has had depression before when his marriage broke down and had some treatment then) was stalking him, he sucked the life out of people close to him and pushed them away, he didn't know why he did it but he'd done it to his ex wife and his ex gf and he was scared of doing it to me too and so was hiding from it. I did what I thought was best and stood back, not wanting to pressure him in any way so he didn't retreat further into himself. I kept in touch, asking him how he was, asking to meet me for a chat, asking where I stood etc and always telling him I was here for him. He kept saying that he was backwards and forwards constantly between London and NY on business, that he was deeply focussed on work, was in the depressive black hole but that we would meet for a chat and soon. He said that he had never ever been insincere with me but that he just couldn't cope with his life at the moment. This kept me going. I honestly felt I was doing the right thing for him, (not for me) as I thought we were in this for a marathon not just a sprint. I tried to get on with my own life in the meantime but was constantly worrying about him and about us. I lost 17lbs in weight mainly from the stress of it all over a period of 2-3 months. The last time I contacted him at the end of July, asking for clarity on our situation, he sent me a quick note back telling me he was probably going to be setting up a home in NY but would still be working here in London half the time and as many weekends as possible so his son wouldnt forget him. He promised to reply more fully to my mail when he had time and ended his mail with three xxx. I heard nothing for two weeks. Then, imagine my shock, when I read a short article in the current issue of magazine he writes for, about a wonderful romantic weekend away at the English seaside he had in July, with an American girl. I felt like I'd been stabbed in the heart. Not only had I been 'silently' dumped, he'd allowed me to believe he was still ill with stress/depression and to top it all was now seeing someone else! I took a couple of days to compose myself and wrote him a very dignified and articulate email telling him I'd read the article that I couldn't believe that he could behave quite so cruelly and despicably as I had asked so often to meet for a chat and asked where I stood. I then ended telling him that he was a selfish coward and I hoped he rotted in hell. That was almost two weeks ago. Now I just can't stop thinking about him and what he has done for four minutes out of every five.....I sleep about 4 hours a night because everytime I wake up I can't get him out of my head....I'm still in shock at the totality of his betrayal. But I want him back. I know he has behaved despicably but I still feel deep down that we are soulmates. I think he is a mess and obviously has issues that he needs to work on, but I do honestly believe that the feelings he had for me were real. Am I a complete fool? Do you think I should somehow try and win him back, is there any way to? Or should I accept defeat and try and move on myself? I'm trying to keep busy so I don't keep thinking about it but I really don't know what to do for the best. One good thing - for the past two weeks I have been exercising like mad and eating healthily. It helps me to feel more in control of what feels like an out of control situation! Any advice most gratefully received. Thank you MissBoo x Link to comment
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