Am I A Lovesick Fool? (Long-ish)

[MissBoo]

Firstly, hello. I'm new here but have spent hours reading all your posts and the wonderful advice you have imparted to each other. I wondered if I shared my story, if you could input some thoughts and wisdoms.....please. I can't stop thinking about it and don't know what to do for the best.

 

I met my ex, M, last November at a friend's party. He was in the final stages of getting divorced, sorting out all the financial stuff with his ex wife (he had had a 12 month relationship with someone else since splitting with his wife, he and this gf had broken up 6 months before he met me). He is the father to an 8 year old boy whom he sees as often as he can. I am 38, never married and no kids, he is 44.

 

He completely swept me off my feet, was kind, caring, considerate, constantly in contact and we saw each other 3-4 times a week. Within 6 weeks he told me that he loved me, things carried on beautifully, we discussed a future together, said we were each others soulmate etc. He was concerned with a minor health problem I had which possibly might affect my fertility so was helping research treatments etc. I'd never really thought about settling down and having kids, but with him, I really did and also loved the idea of being stepmum to his 8 yr old. Our relationship seemed perfect; we met and socialised with each others friends and were constantly in touch via text if one of us was busy working etc. He allowed me to spend time with and get close to his son. Everything was wonderful. I felt I had met the love of my life. I had never had that kind of connection with another human being. He felt the same.

 

M had a massive work project on the go and was very stressed about it, his job began to involve a lot of international travel but he was always in touch when he was away and tried to see me as soon as possible when he got home. It all started to go a bit haywire when his elderly father was rushed into hospital at the end of February, they were almost estranged but M felt he should do the right thing and be there for his father. I was very supportive, not minding that he had to cancel our planned weekend away, to go and be with his father. Then his mother got sick and had to have a heart bypass. Things still ticked along OK but he was clearly stressed with work and all these family issues and the ex wife/child. He had to go to NY for a week, on business, in April...this is when he had a complete meltdown. He texted me saying he was in meltdown, had uncovered lots of backstabbing with his work colleagues, felt his authority was being undermined and was struggling to get through each day and was considering resigning. He said his job was his identity etc and he felt he was losing part of himself and just couldn't cope.

 

I told him I was here for him and that I was proud of him for working so hard when everything around him was caving in. I said I understood that he needed some space and time to sort his stuff out. He didn't resign and carried on with his major project flying between NY and London constantly. During this time I was the only one who initiated contact but he would always respond, always telling me that he was in a deep dark black hole, that he was struggling to be a father, let alone 'be' anyones boyfriend. He said that when depression (he has had depression before when his marriage broke down and had some treatment then) was stalking him, he sucked the life out of people close to him and pushed them away, he didn't know why he did it but he'd done it to his ex wife and his ex gf and he was scared of doing it to me too and so was hiding from it.

 

I did what I thought was best and stood back, not wanting to pressure him in any way so he didn't retreat further into himself. I kept in touch, asking him how he was, asking to meet me for a chat, asking where I stood etc and always telling him I was here for him. He kept saying that he was backwards and forwards constantly between London and NY on business, that he was deeply focussed on work, was in the depressive black hole but that we would meet for a chat and soon. He said that he had never ever been insincere with me but that he just couldn't cope with his life at the moment. This kept me going. I honestly felt I was doing the right thing for him, (not for me) as I thought we were in this for a marathon not just a sprint.

 

I tried to get on with my own life in the meantime but was constantly worrying about him and about us. I lost 17lbs in weight mainly from the stress of it all over a period of 2-3 months. The last time I contacted him at the end of July, asking for clarity on our situation, he sent me a quick note back telling me he was probably going to be setting up a home in NY but would still be working here in London half the time and as many weekends as possible so his son wouldnt forget him. He promised to reply more fully to my mail when he had time and ended his mail with three xxx. I heard nothing for two weeks.

 

Then, imagine my shock, when I read a short article in the current issue of magazine he writes for, about a wonderful romantic weekend away at the English seaside he had in July, with an American girl. I felt like I'd been stabbed in the heart.

 

Not only had I been 'silently' dumped, he'd allowed me to believe he was still ill with stress/depression and to top it all was now seeing someone else!

 

I took a couple of days to compose myself and wrote him a very dignified and articulate email telling him I'd read the article that I couldn't believe that he could behave quite so cruelly and despicably as I had asked so often to meet for a chat and asked where I stood. I then ended telling him that he was a selfish coward and I hoped he rotted in hell.

 

That was almost two weeks ago. Now I just can't stop thinking about him and what he has done for four minutes out of every five.....I sleep about 4 hours a night because everytime I wake up I can't get him out of my head....I'm still in shock at the totality of his betrayal.

 

But I want him back. I know he has behaved despicably but I still feel deep down that we are soulmates. I think he is a mess and obviously has issues that he needs to work on, but I do honestly believe that the feelings he had for me were real.

 

Am I a complete fool? Do you think I should somehow try and win him back, is there any way to? Or should I accept defeat and try and move on myself? I'm trying to keep busy so I don't keep thinking about it but I really don't know what to do for the best. One good thing - for the past two weeks I have been exercising like mad and eating healthily. It helps me to feel more in control of what feels like an out of control situation!

 

Any advice most gratefully received.

 

Thank you

MissBoo

x

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Oh darling, I'm so sorry! You may not feel this way, but you DON'T want him back.

 

He lied to you and strung you along for a long long time when all he had to do was tell you he didn't want a serious relationship. What he did was sneak out the back door rather than deal with your emotions and be honorable.

 

and are you even sure all these excuses for why he was busy are even true? he may just be a liar and a cheater and wants to string multiple women along and keep his options open.

 

He just isn't a good candidate for a long term relationship, I am sorry. There is no excuse for what he did, and you shouldn't accept it. You are pining for the man you thought he was, not whom he has actually turned out to be.

 

I think you should throw yourself into getting over him, and finding someone who treats you with respect, which this man didn't. It is his problem, not yours, but i don't think he is faithful or monogamous, so not a good partner.

[Supa_gurl]

Hello MissBoo and welcome to ENA.

 

I my very honest opinion I think he was in that deep dark hole and met someone in the states that was able to somehow bring some light to his darkness. I believe it was somewhat of a rebound. I think that if you two are soulmates that you will reconnect somehow someday. But in the mean time, you cannot continue life pining away for him. You need to move on. It is not healthy for you to continue on this path. I am not saying that you should go out and try to find another man, I am simply saying to move on with life. He may realize his mistake in time and come back to you. All you can do is be there if you so choose to. I wish you all the luck and send my prayers you way.

[Lana0120]

Oh my goodness. What a slap in the face. This is horrible. It just goes to show you how badly you can be fooled, but does that make you a fool? No, of course not! You thought he had a lot of problems, you were a strong woman standing by his side, when he needed you and supported him. Was all of the info about the illnesses in his family etc, genuine too, or was he lying about that? The fact is, he could have been less than truthful about any number of things. I don't think you could ever trust someone like that again.

[MissBoo]

Thank you for replying, all of you. I think you are right BeStrongBeHappy, I know I deserve better and to find someone who can treat me how I should be treated, but it just hurts so much. I like to think of myself as a pretty good judge of character but this time I clearly got it SO badly wrong....and I think that has undermined my confidence for future relationships too. Also I just can't understand how someone of his age and life experience can do a 'silent' dump to someone who has been asking him for so long where she stands. And who has been quietly supporting him. It is such disrespectful behaviour. The kind of thing my little brother would have done to girls when he was at college and he couldn't face them crying!

 

Lana1020 - yes, he may well have been lying about all of those things! I don't think I will ever know....and that hurts even more too. I feel such a fool that I believed him for so long. Hindsight is a wonderful thing! I'm desperate to know how long this 'thing' with this other girl has been going on but I think knowing all the gory details will just hurt me even more.

 

Supagirl - I hope you are right that he really was in a hole and I think I can understand how perhaps someone new could lift his mood. Part of me really hopes that he will come back sometime in the future and we will be able to work a way through all this mistrust and hurt but the other part of me knows that if I was advising a friend what to do in this situation, I would tell her to run for the hills without looking back and move on with her life. I'm still so confused about what is best.

 

I'm just glad that I'm not likely to bump into him regularly, that would make it ten times worse. I shall try to carry on with my own life and get over the hurt. I just hate that his behaviour has made me far more mistrustful of other people...and of my own judgement.

[Lana0120]

It's terrible that other people may be pushed away or not let in for a while because you're afraid to trust, but I think it's only natural after something like this. Someone once told me that we never truly know someone. We can't because we're not there sharing all of their experiences or all of their thoughts. However, it's always a huge surprise when it seems that someone has almost been living a double life and the lies are so convincing, and your trust is so great, that you never question anthing at all. So your caution will protect you in future, and I doubt you'll be taken in by someone else like that. That's the trouble with life. Lessons are usually learned the hard way, but ultimately... they serve us well in the future.

[John Bendix]

Throwing in an opinion from the other gender, I agree with all of the reponses that you have received.

 

The question that BSBH (yes I do agree with you alot) brings in is why would you desire to be in long term relationship with someone who is demonstrating such emotional problems? Something that each of us has had to ask ourselves at times.

 

Even if some of the parts of the relationship are enjoyable, in a relationship the entire package needs to be taken into account. We tend to only look at the parts that we want to and push the rest to reside in certain levels of denial.

 

We all do it to differing degrees. When we realize this, we are better able to make decisions from what actually is and not from what we desire them to be.

[MissBoo]

Wise words John, thank you. Yes he clearly does have some emotional problems that need addressing...for his son's sake as much as anyone else.....how cruel to introduce and allow his son to get close to a whole string of women. Unfortunately I think I'm one of those people who likes to 'rescue' others so people like him (with problems) bring out the best/worst in me. Perhaps I need some therapy for this!

 

I know deep down that I deserve to be treated better. It's just going to take a lot of time to heal and find someone else. And stop thinking about him/missing him every time I hear a particular song or smell someone in the street wearing his aftershave or visit certain places.

 

Lana0120 - "That's the trouble with life. Lessons are usually learned the hard way, but ultimately... they serve us well in the future" Thank you. Yes, I do feel I will look back on this having learnt some very important lessons. And yes I will definitely be doubly cautious in the future.

 

In the words of my grandfather - What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger!

[Lana0120]

What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger... that's another one of my favourites too. ;-) Considering his infidelity, one thing I would suggest is also to perhaps consider getting tested for STDs. The chances are, there is nothing to worry about on that front, but when someone's been playing fast and loose... seems like it's better to be safe than sorry.

[pumpkinmoon]

MissBoo,

 

Hope you are feeling better and I am very sorry this has happened to you. Its a really hard thing to deal with. I would say that he will probably end up treating anyone he meets like this, what a vile, disgusting way to treat someone, you don't need someone who could treat someone like this and certainly not after all you have done for him and how supportive you have been.

 

You will find better because you deserve it!!!

[yankeefan74]

.how cruel to introduce and allow his son to get close to a whole string of women.

 

I'm terrified that my ex is going to do with this with men - keep introducing her daughter to men. That scares me for a ton of reasons.

 

It's terrible that people do that.

[MissBoo]

Thanks shoefairy. It is vile and despicable behaviour and I do deserve so much better. I still can't believe that he hasn't had the guts to even say sorry or try to explain himself. I've heard nothing since I sent the email telling him to rot in hell. But I guess if he did try I would know that he was probably doing it to make himself feel better....not me. I still miss him and what I thought we had together but am trying to take each day as it comes. Onwards and upwards!

 

Yankeefan. It is a horrible thing to do to allow a child to meet and grow close to a string of adults. It sets a very bad example, no matter how savvy the child is. I shall hope and pray that your ex isn't as evil as mine!

[MissBoo]

Lana - God I hadn't even thought of that....I'm in such a mess it didn't even cross my mind! Thanks. I will take myself off and get tested.