TexasDad Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 I don't know what to do I learned something that disturbed me tonight from my kids. During the time my ex had them for 2 and a half weeks she took them to a party at her "boyfriends" house at which time she put them in her boyfriends bedroom to watch a movie while she partied, during this time while "momma was outside" her boyfriend came in the room, just him alone with the kids no one else around and "tickled" them. Am I wrong to think this is bad? I am for sure thinking the worst and my daughter told me he didn't touch her privates but who knows what he really did? I am going out of my mind, between going over there and f***ing this SOB up severely to contacting CPS on my ex wife for leaving them unsupervised with a man like that... I don't know what to do, I am worried out of my skull... Link to comment
burnttoast Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 what kind of partying? I mean, if it was like a grownups only dinner party kind of thing it doesn't sound that bad at all. If it was loud music and booze and craziness, that's another story. Your ex's boyfriend may be a decent guy trying to win over the children--are you able to speak with your ex about this? Link to comment
greensleeves Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 How long has she been with this man and is there any reason that you suspect he might have been doing anything other than tickling them? As burnttoast said, it could be completely innocent, so be sure that you're not just angry at him because he's your ex's new man. If it's someone that she just recently met, I agree that it was somewhat irresponsible on her part. How old are your children? Link to comment
Karmageddon Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Sadly you need to ask your kids as light heartedly as you can muster ..."Do you remember when you said mommys b/f tickled you?? He tickeled you where? can you show daddy?" Then take it from there. It may be nothing. But don't make the kids feel pressured to give you an answer or they will lie...which could go many ways. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Does your ex even know he tickled them? I think a calm talk between you and the ex would be the first step. I would run his name to see if he is registered sex offender also. I think getting yourself thrown in jail or calling CPS probably will backfire on you. What ever you do, make sure your motives are pure. I am in the same boat, as the loser my wife cheated on me with is a real low life. He hasn't been around my son yet because she has been trying to wait till it looks like they just started "dating". When the time comes I will have a little talk with the guy and make it clear he is not to touch my son......ever for any reason. Stay calm and act don't react. This very well could be nothing but I think you and your ex need some ground rules you both will follow in the future in this regard. Hug those kids for all of us here on ENA! lost Link to comment
Rising Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 I agree with the others that before you go into kill-mode you need to find out the facts. You don't know if this guy is a weirdo or if he's just trying to connect with the kids. Did your kids approach you with this information because they were uncomfortable? Do they resist the idea of spending time with mommy and her new boyfriend? Have you noticed changes in their behavior? It's a dangerous thing to jump to this kind of conclusion, but I think any parent should be on their guard. I hope you find that nothing is amiss. Good luck Link to comment
TexasDad Posted August 22, 2008 Author Share Posted August 22, 2008 I have ran his name on the registered sex offender list and he doesn't show up, my ex-wife doesn't do dinner parties so I am suspect it was a drinking party. She has been "dating" him since she decided to leave (I think he was the reason), this whole conversation between me and the kids came out at the dinner table out of the blue, my kids are 7 daughter and 3 son. My ex has been seeing this guy for less than a year. I have a morality clause in my decree that states: Unrelated Persons of the Opposite Sex - The parties agree that no unrelated adult with whom that party has an intimate or dating relationship shall remain in the same residence with the child between the hours of 10:00 P.M. and 8:00 A.M. This provision shall remain in effect for eighteen ( 18 ) months after the entry of this decree or until the marriage of the person who is in the relationship. It is in the least very poor judgment on her part leaving the kids unsupervised in that house, who knows who else was at that party and had access to the kids. This has nothing to do with who is sleeping with my ex-wife I could care less it's not like I want her back. My ex is unable to carry on a conversation with me we do not talk, she does not her words "want me to know what is going on in her life" Most of the time when she has the kids she drops the kids off at her mom's and then goes out, I suspect her mom couldn't watch them that night. I know CPS is bad mojo anyway you look at it but I don't know what else to do. My daughter said he did not touch her privates and she is very protective of her little brother and we have had the talk numerous times about who is allowed to touch her and where, but she is only seven. I am at a loss as to what to do... Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Have you called your atty and asked for his opinion? How often do they go there again? Link to comment
TexasDad Posted August 22, 2008 Author Share Posted August 22, 2008 Have you called your atty and asked for his opinion? How often do they go there again? Currently I don't have an attorney, who can afford to keep one on retainer? I guess though I will have to. They have been to this guys house a few times that they have told me about. I don't want them to think I am grilling them for what mom does, my daughter gets kind of mad when I start asking too many questions. I am going to have my mom speak to her about it this incident tomorrow as they are very close. My ex gets the kids on the 1st 3rd and 5th weekends, which turns out to be more than I thought it would be. I hate 5 weekend months, I never knew there were so many. Link to comment
TexasDad Posted August 22, 2008 Author Share Posted August 22, 2008 Well I had an in-depth background check run on this guy he came back clean not even a speeding ticket. I am hesitant to speak with the ex about this just because I operate strictly within the confines of our divorce decree she always accuses me of trying to "control" her I had everything spelled out in the decree for a reason and yet I get accused of trying to control her, hell she is out of control to begin with, no way I can control her never could when we were married, why would I try now? I am still leary of this guy and will be having many talks with my kids (as you should) about what is appropriate and what is not... Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 I am still leary of this guy and will be having many talks with my kids (as you should) about what is appropriate and what is not... I think this sounds like a good direction to go in. I can imagine how difficult it is for you.... heartwrenching, agitating, aggravating. I'm sorry you're dealing with it. I'm just thinking that even if you were to hire an attorney, the ex would probably then marry the guy just so it would be in the decree and as backlash. Even though she doesn't like talking to you, I'd write or email or discuss it with her anyway. And ask her to please use better judgement than to leave the kids alone with him. Go about it in a different way rather than "our decree says this! You broke the rules!" Takes me back to the month my daughters dad has his new girlfriend move in. A month after I moved out. My daughter was only 6 months old. The new girl had 2 kids but custody of neither, no drivers license, was on probation for drinking and driving... I went to every police dept nearby to make sure there were no criminal reasons as to why she didn't have her kids. Link to comment
Karmageddon Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 Well since you werent there, you don't know. He very well could have just gone in to check on them started up a bit of horse play & gone back to the party. In light of all you have posted, that is more than likely the case. I can understand your angst in having another man around your children, & when this one doesnt work out for her, there will be another one. Unfortunately that part is out of your hands. I personally do not understand it when kids get introduced to the new b/f or g/f right away. Speaking purely for the sake of the kids, I think its a bad idea, but I know plenty would disagree with me. Link to comment
greensleeves Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 I had everything spelled out in the decree for a reason and yet I get accused of trying to control her, hell she is out of control to begin with, no way I can control her never could when we were married, why would I try now? There's nothing wrong with expecting to have some control over her actions when she has your children, if anything she does when they're with her isn't adhering to the terms of your agreement and you're wise to stay on top of it. I can relate to your frustration. When I broke up with the father of my kids several years ago, he was still very much in a partying mode and very irresponsible at times. It used to bother me that even though he only had them every other weekend, he didn't seem to value that time and would make other social plans. He's since grown up alot and is a much better father than he was in those early days. I don't know, for me, if I only had the opportunity to see my children a few days a month, my schedule would be clear of everything else and my time would be solely devoted to them. The good thing is that you have your kids for the bulk of the time and you are the one who will have the biggest impact on their values and morals. You're smart to recognize that it isn't good to question your children too much as that can have a really negative effect on them. You sound like a very good Dad who is looking out for the best interests of your children. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 If you have children that young and an irresponsible ex, you will probably need to keep an attorney on retainer until the youngest is about 16. This kind of thing doesn't go away and her knowing you have immediate access to legal counsel will help keep her in line. Link to comment
kuhl282000 Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 I know you may not want to hear this .......but you may be over reacting .....you may be still hurt she is with another man and looking for something to grasp onto. Tickeling is a fun thing kids love .......it is innocent ....if the guy were a sex offender that would be different .....he came up clean ...... This kind of stuff can backfire on you and you might end up looking like the nut case. If the guy were a sex offender the kids for sure would not be in that house period. The kids and adult thing can be very tricky in our society today ....its scary I understand ......sounds to me nothing happened at all ....I suggest you just trust your EX enough to know the right thing to do .....you loved her once ....do you think she would love a nut case......I doubt it. Save your money for an attorney I don't think you'll need one ...plus you really don't have a case if nothing happened Link to comment
redhearts Posted August 26, 2008 Share Posted August 26, 2008 I think you should be talking to your wife about when she has the kids you like it if they spent time with her, not in a room by themselves while she parties. In that case, you should keep them, or babysit them or what not. I don't think its very safe to have your kids around that guy, because regardless of not having a record some people don't get caught. Link to comment
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