sorry if this is a hetero phobic post, but here it is, and I'm a bit drunk. sorry.

[Lucy__lou]

I'm wondering how other gay and bi people handle the inevitable assumption they're straight until proven otherwise, in the realm of befriending folks of the opposite sex.

 

I've recently been in the uncomfortable position of rejecting the 'interested vibe' from a perfectly lovely boy, who I'm sure plenty of hetero women would adore. And I feel sad for the damage I may be causing, because he really deserves to be appreciated. But I can't tell him I'm gay, because I'm not. I'm just bi, but my bisexuality is such that I don't need a man, and so even though he's nice and cute and all, I have no use for him. I personally believe that hetero women are more desperate than bisexual women, because they can only satisfied by a man. And so if a man is quality, and they're single, they're more likely to pursue a relationship with him.

 

Because so many hetero women are like this, i feel that hetero men who assume I'm a hetero woman expect me to want anything male and quality that comes past my sight, but the fact is I'm not that easily pleased, and never will be, and I end up rejecting nice boys. And only nice boys are attracted to me. Which makes me feel worse for rejecting them because they're the ones who I think deserve to be loved and appreciated.

 

so yeah, just sharing. and if anyone relates, I'd be interested to hear.

 

cheers.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I have to say you need to get over yourself a little bit here. This isn't about man vs. woman, as everyone has to reject people they are not interested in, and everyone gets rejected. It is just something you have to learn how to do, politely but firmly.

 

It doesn't have to turn into a dialogue about sexuality or anything else either, simply a very polite, thank you, i appreciate the offer, but no, i'm not interested.

 

People are used to getting rejected (as it happens to everyone), so you are not so important or special that a rejection from you will be the end of the world for them.

 

From many of your posts, i get the impression that you think you are special (better than) others becuase you are bisexual, stroking your own ego so to speak. Bi-sexuality doesn't make you special, just your own personal choice of lifestyle. An obsession with your own bisexuality can be very unattractive to other people of both sexes, and they won't get why you see everything as having something to do with that when it doesn't. It's really important to you, but others will basically see it as 'meh, you're bisexual, so what... how are you as a human being?'

 

And don't be contemptuous of men because they approach you (or contemptuous of women who like men). It isn't about desperation or 'quality' people deserving to be loved or anything like that. It is just about personal tastes, and everyone likes some types and not others.

 

This post has the ring of you stroking your own ego that you attract 'special, quality' men (because you are special), and poor hetero women (who are less special than you) who are desparate (and of course you're not desperate because you're special). You're coming accross as very egotistical here, which is nothing to do with sexuality, so i suggest you quit looking at hetero men and women as somehow inferior to you.

 

You're in love with your own bi-sexuality, and many people go thru a stage like that, but you're just a person, like anyone else. So approach people as people, not as 'types' that you are stereotyping as less special than yourself.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Well, as a hetero women, I am quite offended (but you're tipsy so I'll let most of it slide

 

I, for one, do not need a man. But, I do know a lot a lot of girls my age that need a boyfriend in order to validate themselves. A lot of boys do this too. It's just general insecurity and most people grow out of it.

 

And, my experiences with bisexual individuals is very limited, but, I think I can assume that a lot of bisexual people have the same insecurities.

 

As for assuming that people are straight before proven otherwise, yeah, I can see how that is annoying. And, I will admit that I have never thought a person gay before they told me (I'd like to think it's me being nonjudgmental) but it's pretty hard to wrap the idea of not thinking someone straight when I first meet them. I mean, more likely than not, right?

 

Plus, if it was an attractive guy with a great personality, I'd probably make a move without knowing his sexual orientation. "So, are you straight or gay?" would probably cause a lot more harm than good when meeting people.

 

That is just my 2 cents though.

[tina-rocks]

Isn't it that relationships are based on who you connect with in life.

[browneyedgirl36]

What she said.

 

Heterosexual women are more desperate? I don't think so. Many, many hetero women out there are not desperately seeking a man. Desperation is an equal-opportunity "affliction" -- gays, lesbians, and bisexuals can be just as desperate. Desperation is a HUMAN thing -- it is not sexual-orientation specific by any means -- and is often rooted in poor self-image, another accross-the-spectrum affliction.

 

As for the assertion that most men assume you're hetero, well...the majority of people in the world DO identify themselves as straight, so while men may be making assumptions about your sexuality...you really can't blame them. Yes, they're generalizing, but maybe, as Debaser Wolf said, they're seeing someone they think is attractive and just hoping that person will be interested, not really thinking about whether or not the person is gay or straight. Unless someone is *obviously* gay -- like one of my extremely openly gay male colleagues -- it's anyone's guess what they're orientation is, so someone who is interested may just go for it and see what happens. There's nothing wrong with that.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Dear Alcohol,

Sorry you get blamed every time someone says how they really feel; revealing the biases they normally hide.

 

Sincerely,

Carly

haha

 

Desperate people are just that. I've met des-per-ate gay men. I know extremely independent bi sexuals. I also know extremely independent, rational, self respecting and choosy straight women. I'm sure you know mixes of people with different personalities. To say straight women are more desperate than bisexual women? Hm..

 

Bisexual women are often depicted as loose and desperate. The stereotype is that bisexual people sleep with everything that crosses their path. You know that's a stupid thing to say.

 

It's not heterophobic, what you've said. It's just a bit ignorant.

 

 

Simply say "Hey, I'm not really looking to hook up with you, but you're awesome."

He will likely live.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Wait: after a second glance, it sounds like you're holding some resentment against straight women or maybe men who reject bisexual women.

 

Obviously I don't know for sure, but it sounds that way.

It's hard being anything different than the norm, but we all have the right to be confident and pick who we want to be with.

[Karmageddon]

HAHAAAA!! Thanks for the drunken post!!

[Lucy__lou]

Ok, I've slept on it, and I'm more measured in my words this morning.

 

I'd like to thank all the well thought out replies to my not so well thought out thread post. Especially bestrongbehappy, who I always want to give points to more than the system will let me. thank you for putting me in my place. What I said was ignorant. And it was putting too much importance on bisexuality and heterosexuality as the culprits of everyday dating issues.

 

I guess that attitude came out while I was tipsy because I do feel that my independence from men is connected to my ability to appreciate the company of women. I am also biased because I've been around more straight women than usual lately, and they're always talking about how they want to meet a man, and it just sounds sad to me.

 

While I have total respect for strong women who are just straight up heterosexual, I guess I feel that society's imposition of the institution of hetero relationships has made some people follow that path in a desperate attempt to be validated in the eyes of society. And so as someone who has rejected the expectation to have a person of the opposite sex on my arm, I am critical of people who seem to be doing it, not because they have been afflicted by the curse of love or lust, but because it checks a box in their list of unsatisfied needs. I know some people are straight and reject society's expectations to pair up, but I think that straight people question it less, and are more likely to perpetuate the pattern of pairing up for its comforts, not out of genuine attraction.

 

But it was a dumb post, and although it felt good to get those feelings out, and to hear how they went down, I'm sort of sorry for lowering this fine forum to my ignorance, prejudice and flippant comments.

 

signing out

 

Lucy

[Karmageddon]

Are you kidding me? That was the best laugh i'd had all day!

 

And at the end of the day I work with many gays, straights, bi's and everything else under the sun & they all complain about the same thing...relationships, dating & finding someone to be with.

 

Its not new, no matter what your orientation.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

It's just as annoying to see someone claiming to be bisexual to avoid fitting societal norms. That kind of "rebellion" is conformist.

 

 

Be what you are.

[lukeb]

I do feel that my independence from men is connected to my ability to appreciate the company of women.

 

 

Were you drunk when you wrote this too? I dont know seems somewhat androphobic to me.

[Lucy__lou]

Were you drunk when you wrote this too? I dont know seems somewhat androphobic to me.

 

if you see my other posts here over the years, you'll see that your observation is right. I'm not a big fan of men.

[JadedStar]

Lucy I don't even think you are bi. All of the posts i have read from you sound like a woman who is a lesbian who entertains the notion of sleeping with men on occasion. Have you ever considered that perhaps you are not bi at all, but lesbian full throttle? It almost seems like you think that being bi gives you a more curious edge so you like to retain that title but hon it sounds to me like you prefer women all the way.

[Lucy__lou]

Lucy I don't even think you are bi. All of the posts i have read from you sound like a woman who is a lesbian who entertains the notion of sleeping with men on occasion. Have you ever considered that perhaps you are not bi at all, but lesbian full throttle? It almost seems like you think that being bi gives you a more curious edge so you like to retain that title but hon it sounds to me like you prefer women all the way.

 

Haha! oh Jaded, you're too kind. I take it as a compliment that you think I'm not bi, but Lesbian. I consider my attraction to men to be a defect. But alas, I do occasionally fall for them. Maybe though, I'll meet the right girl, and I'll be converted to lesbianism for life, but so far, men are still to a limited degree on the menu for me. My issues with men are very tied up in the socialisation of men, and the fact that they have more power than women in society, not in who they are innately. But until that changes, I'll have a problem with them. Most people probably believe that sexual orientation is in us from birth, and exists independently of social or political forces, but if you consider the other common belief that women's sexuality is more fluid, then what I'm saying doesn't sound that contradictory after all.

[JadedStar]

Well I am glad you didn't take my post as an insult beacuse it wasn't meant to be. I just honestly think perhaps you are a lesbian who likes men some of the time. It isn't always a hard and fast rule. Some gay men have fuond women attractive just like some gay females find men attractive.

 

There have also been straight people who fell for a same sex but it didn't mean they were gay.

[Lucy__lou]

hmm. I never thought of it like that. I would feel like a liar if I called myself a lesbian, and then went after a boy. maybe I'm somewhere between lesbian and bisexual (if calling yourself bisexual wasn't already hard enough for people to get their heads around)....

[pianoguy]

My issues with men are very tied up in the socialisation of men, and the fact that they have more power than women in society, not in who they are innately.

I think you need to interact with people (men) as individuals and not as pawns and products of some larger societal forces. Leave that kind of stuff for the classroom and for your thesis. You're cheating yourself out of a lot of valuable friendships and relationships.

 

It's not cool to hate any large group of people... if I or any man said I "have a problem with women" I would (justly) be jumped on for my chauvinism, or if I said I have a problem with Jews, I'd be condemned (justly) as a racist bigot.