Moving away... do I tell the ex?

[Nixee]

So some of you might be familiar with my story, there is a trail of my healing here on ENA I'm sure... and I'm actually quite proud of myself and where I sit today.

 

The truth is, I've not had any contact with my ex in several months, and I really wouldn't see any need to... though he is always a little ghost in my mind... but I'm facing a huge life change right now, and the possibility of never seeing him again and completely losing touch with each other.

 

The history: We were together for 7 years, we were best friends, extremely close, extremely connected.... but things became difficult and rocky... and when I wanted to work harder, he wanted to give up... and he did.. He gave me up in favor of a co-worker of his, devastating me beyond belief. We lived together, spoke of marriage, spoke of kids, spoke of our future... but now, in two months' time, he is marrying her.

 

In two months' time I will also be moving 3000 miles away, which is what he does not know yet. It is something I have talked about doing for years... in order to go back to school and pursue what it is I really want to do.

 

The fact is, I know he would actually be proud of me. *I* am proud of me. It has taken over a year and a half since our split for me to get over my pain and fear, and to get the strength to do this for myself.

 

And so now I sit here wondering.... do I email him? Do I tell him? What would I say? We still have enough mutual contacts that of course he will know I am gone after the fact anyways, and I will wonder then if he will feel a bit hurt that I didn't tell him or at least offer the chance to say goodbye.

 

Then again, he has plenty going on his life right now... and maybe he won't care.

 

If I sent him something, it wouldn't be in hopes of seeing him, or of reestablishing a connection or anything..... but I also don't want to make myself feel horrible and vulnerable if he brushes it off and gives me a cold response or even silence in return.

 

I guess in the best case scenario, I would hope to get to say goodbye to my old friend, as I say goodbye to my old life... and move on.

 

So what say you ENAers? Is it a foolish thought? Best to just keep moving and let sleeping dogs lie? Or does our history deserve a farewell?

[blackandgold]

I think if you would want him to tell you if he was moving you should tell him.

[amipushy]

I think if you would want him to tell you if he was moving you should tell him.

 

I agree but I think if I were you I might add that I didnt want or expect a reply so if it didnt come I wouldnt feel hurt but thats up to you and how you feel.

[orangesoda]

honestly, i don't see the need to tell him.

in a way, you two already said your good-byes when you broke up.

 

if you feel like you absolutely must contact him, i would recommend you wait until after you've completed your move, settled in, and are comfortable with your new life.

 

there's no point stirring up any possible drama right before you jump into something new and unknown.

 

you should keep your focus on you during this time of transition.

[greensleeves]

..... but I also don't want to make myself feel horrible and vulnerable if he brushes it off and gives me a cold response or even silence in return.

 

I don't think you should because of what you've said above. You are moving forward with your life and this isn't the time to take a step back. You have mutual friends and he'll likely hear that you're gone or may even hear about it before you go, in which case he can contact you. Based on the reasons for the breakup and where he is with his life right now, you don't owe him a goodbye.

[heavenearth]

Saying goodbye isn't a step back, it just shows you care, in a different way.

 

What might you regret from saying goodbye, and what might you regret from not saying goodbye. Weight it and make your decision.

 

Whatever the reason was for the break-up, if you think you really move on then forgiveness is a big part of it.

[greensleeves]

Saying goodbye isn't a step back, it just shows you care, in a different way.

 

What might you regret from saying goodbye, and what might you regret from not saying goodbye. Weight it and make your decision.

 

Whatever the reason was for the break-up, if you think you really move on then forgiveness is a big part of it.

 

I agree that saying goodbye isn't necessarily a step back, but Nixee's misgivings about how he might react are important. If she doesn't receive the response she's looking for, she's said that it will be hard on her. I think that's more important than a goodbye email. There's always the option of emailing him after she's settled in her new life and is no longer concerned about how his reaction might effect her.

[redhearts]

He may just think you want away from it because hes starting a new life with his wife.

[Nixee]

I think if you would want him to tell you if he was moving you should tell him.

 

This is a big part of my reasoning behind having the urge to contact him I guess... it is a mutual respect thing.

 

I'm not sure he WOULD tell me, but then... I don't know. Golden rule thing I guess? Hmm...

 

But then....

 

honestly, i don't see the need to tell him.

in a way, you two already said your good-byes when you broke up.

 

 

Yes... and no I guess... I see your point. It was one of those things where we swore we'd always be in touch and always be in contact somehow... always be friends, blah blah blah.... but then the more she was in the picture, the more things faded and we HAD to be out of contact with each other for their relationship, and for my own sanity. And now nothing remains.

 

I wish him no ill will. I wish him happiness. We just don't talk now.

 

 

I don't think you should because of what you've said above. You are moving forward with your life and this isn't the time to take a step back. You have mutual friends and he'll likely hear that you're gone or may even hear about it before you go, in which case he can contact you. Based on the reasons for the breakup and where he is with his life right now, you don't owe him a goodbye

 

Perhaps you are right. I certainly don't owe him a goodbye... or anything. And our breakup definitely wasn't simple, nor are either one of our lives right now.

And a step back... I dunno. Maybe it is a step back. I guess I was viewing it more as a saying goodbye to my past. No matter what I do or where I go, I can't erase my past with him, I can only come to terms with it. And these last few months that we've had no contact..... it has been good for healing, but there has also been some bitterness in me simply because we were once so very close. It still feels somehow wrong that I should leave and not even give him the courtesy of a goodbye.

 

But I dunno... maybe I'm a fool, and maybe that really is the last little bit of any romantic ideal between he and I that I've held onto.

[Nixee]

He may just think you want away from it because hes starting a new life with his wife.

 

The timing might lead him to think that, but the reasoning... he won't.

 

The reason I am moving is something I talked about doing even when he and I were still together so it isn't anything new to him.

 

The timing is honestly just... poetic.

[redhearts]

Yeh timing sucks its just always a possibility. You could say in a happy message. Guess what! I got into this college and I'm finally able to live out my dream! So yay I'm moving!

[Nixee]

I agree that saying goodbye isn't necessarily a step back, but Nixee's misgivings about how he might react are important. If she doesn't receive the response she's looking for, she's said that it will be hard on her. I think that's more important than a goodbye email. There's always the option of emailing him after she's settled in her new life and is no longer concerned about how his reaction might effect her.

 

I guess this is true and this is what I probably need to think most about... how I will feel if he reacts poorly.

 

It seems the last contact we had was brief and cold, and he came off a bit like a hallmark card to me.... He didn't seem at all like himself, and that bothered me. I guess that is my biggest worry... that I wouldn't get a genuine response from him, but rather a one-liner like "Congratulations and good luck in your new life!" .... Something like that.... Ugh .. We've known each other inside and out for the better part of a decade, and meaningless words like that feel insulting to me.

 

So yes, it is true. I might prefer the silence.

 

But then... if he chose to react that way, I suppose all it would really do (though it would sting a bit) is further cement him into my past and confirm him as truly gone to me.

[renaissancewoman101]

I'd tell him. It will help to close the book on that part of your life.

 

When I moved out here two years ago, I told my ex that I was moving out here. Actually, we went out for dinner and a movie two weeks before I moved out here. He wanted to hang out one more time before I moved, but I didn't have the time.

 

I wanted to leave on good terms and I somewhat did.

[Nixee]

I'd tell him. It will help to close the book on that part of your life.

 

When I moved out here two years ago, I told my ex that I was moving out here. Actually, we went out for dinner and a movie two weeks before I moved out here. He wanted to hang out one more time before I moved, but I didn't have the time.

 

I wanted to leave on good terms and I somewhat did.

 

See.. I guess that is a best case scenario for me.... that he'd actually want to see me face to face and say goodbye. I haven't seen him in well over a year, even though we live in the same small town.. (though oddly enough.... this afternoon I did run into his fiancee at the store, after months and months of sort of dreading that encounter.... .. she made eye contact for a second, then looked down and pretended to be busy fiddling with something.)

 

But.... I kinda doubt that would happen, and I'm not sure how I'd even feel about it, so I don't put any expectations there.

 

Good terms would be nice though.

 

Even running into the fiancee.... the replacement me. I used to imagine on the day that happened that I'd freak out, have a breakdown, or start throwing stuff at her in the store haha... but I actually felt rather peaceful and confident. .... She looked down, not me.

[kuhl282000]

Its a double edged sword ........you still have feelings for this man after all this time ....I can tell ...he broke your heart beyond belief .......just had the same happen to me......3 months and I have a long way to go to heal ......I know that ....

 

If it were me i would let him know......of course the friends could tell him like you said.....but thats not what you want to do ....good luck

[Nixee]

Its a double edged sword ........you still have feelings for this man after all this time ....I can tell ...he broke your heart beyond belief .......just had the same happen to me......3 months and I have a long way to go to heal ......I know that ....

 

If it were me i would let him know......of course the friends could tell him like you said.....but thats not what you want to do ....good luck

 

heh....

 

In November it'll be two years since we broke up... by then he'll be a newlywed on his honeymoon.

 

I've moved on. I've learned to love another even. But it is true, he'll always affect me, so yes... there are feelings there, in a way. I can't say that I feel nothing. There is a tenderness, a connection. A deep feeling of loss sometimes.

 

I'm still undecided about telling him though.... still haven't said anything.

 

I did tell our closest mutual friends recently though, and I'm not sure how frequently they speak anymore... but I'd guess it would only be a matter of time before he hears.... so I suppose I'll write soon if I'm going to.....

[jengh]

I probably would tell him. It'd give me some sort of solid closure, I think.