crowned Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 I'm going through something bizarre. Seven years ago I separated from my ex and our divorce was finalized 1 1/2 yrs ago. He was a very functional alcoholic who dabbled in cocaine and those addictions destroyed our marriage. During our separation I was so angry. I built up a wall and would not let him in. I focused on our daughter (she was 8months old when I left him) and refused any talk of reconciliation since he was refusing rehab. He thought he could simply kick his addictions. Throughout our years of separation leading up to divorce he blamed me for leaving him when he needed me, while I blamed him for chosing drugs and alcohol over his family. We always communicate because of our daughter. Sometimes it is civil and pleasant, while at other times we push each others buttons and end up fighting about the past. Although I prayed for him, for us, for our family...I realize that I also kept buiding that wall to keep him out. About one month ago he told me he was in a relationship. I'm not stupid. Seven years has gone by and naturally we have both dated others. What surprised me is that ever since I've learned of this relationship I have started to have panic attacks. Suddenly I'm freaking out and feel like I love him and am losing him forever. I feel like I'm in a race, or like he's slipping away and I'm trying to hold on. Does this make sense? I can't explain it....it's panic! I am not sleeping well. I think about him all the time. I don't think I EVER mourned our relationship. I had to be the rock for our daughter at a time when he was falling apart. Now I feel like all these feelings I've had are pouring out. I'm crying over the loss of our relationship. I found myself online last week purchasing books on how to get your ex back! CRAZY!!! I've suddenly started having fantasies about seducing him and making him mine again. CRAZY!!! To make matters worse we had a conversation over the phone recently right after he spent a week away with his girlfriend. He was listening to a song from one of my old CD's left behind and it touched him emotionally. He called me in tears saying "It is you, it has always been you, it will always be you". Next thing I know I'm telling him that despite our seven year history I will always love him and will always be there for him. WHAT THE? WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? I know I need to seek therapy because I am afraid that I'm just wanting what I know I can't have anymore. We have both admitted that we still have feelings for the other, but that will never change the underlying reasons for our divorce. Still, I feel like for the first time I've let the wall crumble a bit and am now scared because I don't know where this is going or even where I want it to go. Sounds crazy...I know! I'm so confused. Anyone out there going through something similar? Link to comment
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