I think I still love my ex...but do I want him back?

[crowned]

I'm going through something bizarre. Seven years ago I separated from my ex and our divorce was finalized 1 1/2 yrs ago. He was a very functional alcoholic who dabbled in cocaine and those addictions destroyed our marriage. During our separation I was so angry. I built up a wall and would not let him in. I focused on our daughter (she was 8months old when I left him) and refused any talk of reconciliation since he was refusing rehab. He thought he could simply kick his addictions. Throughout our years of separation leading up to divorce he blamed me for leaving him when he needed me, while I blamed him for chosing drugs and alcohol over his family. We always communicate because of our daughter. Sometimes it is civil and pleasant, while at other times we push each others buttons and end up fighting about the past. Although I prayed for him, for us, for our family...I realize that I also kept buiding that wall to keep him out.

 

About one month ago he told me he was in a relationship. I'm not stupid. Seven years has gone by and naturally we have both dated others. What surprised me is that ever since I've learned of this relationship I have started to have panic attacks. Suddenly I'm freaking out and feel like I love him and am losing him forever. I feel like I'm in a race, or like he's slipping away and I'm trying to hold on. Does this make sense? I can't explain it....it's panic! I am not sleeping well. I think about him all the time. I don't think I EVER mourned our relationship. I had to be the rock for our daughter at a time when he was falling apart. Now I feel like all these feelings I've had are pouring out. I'm crying over the loss of our relationship. I found myself online last week purchasing books on how to get your ex back! CRAZY!!! I've suddenly started having fantasies about seducing him and making him mine again. CRAZY!!! To make matters worse we had a conversation over the phone recently right after he spent a week away with his girlfriend. He was listening to a song from one of my old CD's left behind and it touched him emotionally. He called me in tears saying "It is you, it has always been you, it will always be you". Next thing I know I'm telling him that despite our seven year history I will always love him and will always be there for him. WHAT THE? WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?

 

I know I need to seek therapy because I am afraid that I'm just wanting what I know I can't have anymore. We have both admitted that we still have feelings for the other, but that will never change the underlying reasons for our divorce. Still, I feel like for the first time I've let the wall crumble a bit and am now scared because I don't know where this is going or even where I want it to go. Sounds crazy...I know! I'm so confused.

 

 

Anyone out there going through something similar?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, I am not going through anything similar but I can offer you some moral support. It is natural to be sad and panic when an ex finds someone new. Your feelings and emotions are normal...however, choosing to act on them is a whole other matter. When you find yourself feeling like you desperately want him back, try to focus your mind on the hell you went through during your relationship with him...dealing with a man who is more in love with his alcohol and addictions...a man who expected YOU to stick with him and provide moral support to him even though he was doing nothing to fix his self-destructive problems. Did he ever get help for his addictions or are the addictions still very much a part of his life? Remember that if he didn't fix them then getting back with him will lead you around the same merry-go-round. The new person in his life now has to deal with his addictions...be grateful that you are out of it.

[Teresa24]

My story may be a little bit different, when my ex left,I prayed that one day God letting him come back,and now when he really comes back,I realize we will not have a future together.

 

I dont want to talk to him any more.I've made up my mind to give up and forget,But everytime when I hear about his news,or get his updated information online,when I know he enjoys his life with other friends and some other girls,I feel jealous and panic,I feel missing him crazily.It is one kind of situation I cannot do anything to change.I only tell myself again and again dont have any relation now.

 

He said he will love me forever until he dies,I should confess I really want to come back but I understand that doesnt make sense. If I come back, we will still break up at last and we both will be hurt again.

 

I think many people will be trapped in this dilemma.I dont know how to make myself feel better,I only can control myself not to make the same mistake again.

[floridagirlal]

I was divorced in April 08 (only about 4 months ago). I wanted the divorce and forced it through. I have been lonely and sad since the divorce but was able to be strong in the hope that I would someday find happiness. THEN, I found out he was casually dating someone and I freaked. I immediately wanted him to come back and let me try again. He, too, has alcohol and cocaine issues that have caused problems in our marriage. And, he also believes that he can kick the habit on his own. I believe this is possible IF he removes the people/friends that support and participate with him in that behavior.

 

I keep asking myself if I really want him or just don't want anyone else to have him. I believe that i want him but I don't want the old relationship. I have really made a huge effort to communicate my needs to him and I've asked him to be open and honest with me too. He is not so eager to jump back in. He says I'm trying too hard. I'm sure it seems that way to him since I didn't try this hard during our marriage.

 

I just feel like I would rather make a good relationship with him than have to find a stranger to start over with. we have been together for 18 years and I don't know how to live without him.

 

I know I'm probably mentally unstable and am only prolonging the inevitable.

[benga]

Not much advise to offer. I am sitting on the other end of the fence and hope from time to time that my wife (not divorced yet, but separated) is feeling the same way you are. But thanks for posting this. It would be most useful if guys to provide more insight to some of your internal thinking and working during this period. Would just help us see life from a slightly different perspective.....

[kuhl282000]

I think your feeling are very normal if you love the guy .....I'm broken up myself for 3 months after 5 years ....I loved her to death .......drugs on her end became an issue for me ......she did not seem to think she had the problem .....i tried to save her in the end .....she did not want saving ....she choose drugs over me ....so i bailed out.

 

Do I miss her....everyday

Do i love her ......she was the love of my life

Is she stubborn ......Big Time

Just a few words could have saved it all

 

I lost everything .....including her ....I can't sleep now, I can't eat, I'm falling apart .....and I would love to have her back .....panic attacks....you bet.

 

I know its a race to because someone will snatch her up in a heartbeat .......

 

Truth is I read, I pray .....and I'm still a basket case and don't know what to do ....we have not spoken on over 2 months since the break .......

 

I really don't want to go on without her .....so if you have a chance go after your guy ......fight for him .......get whatever it takes to get him in your arms again.

 

I'm afraid mine is gone forever

 

I love happy endings .......mine was sad ......don't be like me be better then me.

 

Go Get Him

[summerpeach]

I think if you were happy and in another happy relationship, you would not want him back.

You fear being lonely and not moving on before him

[crowned]

Thanks to all who responded. Since my post I've had time to think. REALLY think! The truth of the matter is that my ex has NEVER addressed his addictions. I know he is still struggling with them and as long as he is, I will ALWAYS come second. I think his new girlfriend will soon find this out for herself. I'm starting to feel sorry for her because I feel like she has no idea of what lies ahead for her and yet I can't stop it from happening. I think what I'm going through is the normal stages of grieving, which I bottled up all these years. Part of that will be remembering all the good times and wishing desperately that things could have turned out differently for the two of us. I'm realizing that I have to let go and finally say "goodbye". His new relationship means change for all of us, and I'm a little apprehensive about that too. The rational me knows that I made the right decision for myself and my daughter. I will continue to foster a healthy relationship between her and her dad, but the sad truth is that I know he and I will never recapture the love and innocence of the days when we first fell in love. I miss those days and I miss who he was back then. Only he can choose to change. I choose to move on.

[redhearts]

Thats good to hear, because it was probably more like a wanting someone you can't have sort of thing.