He contacted - I'm distressed!!

[Soul_Seeker]

So with everyone's encouragement, I had big long cry about my break up with my boyfriend of 5yrs yesterday. Exhausted and a little vague, I resumed the motions of getting over him.

 

And he calls me at about 10pm that very night. It started just like the last conversation we had on New Year's Day - me acting all happy and talking about stuff I'd done, people I'd seen etc. He sounded kinda down so I asked whether there was anything he wanted to talk about. He told me that he had been working heaps lately and was just really tired.

 

I asked him about his latest business venture (I really think that work was one the pressures that lead to our break up even though he doesn't admit this), which got him depressed because things weren't working on that front either. So while we were on that career topic, I started to whinge about my own and how I felt a little aimless with it at the moment. I told him I have an urge to just quit my job and go travel, work overseas and just explore because "there was nothing to keep me here anymore". Oooh, was that uncalled for or what?!! He ignored it of course and just encouraged me to do what I feel like doing. And I in turn pretended that I didn't make any insinuations.

 

So while we on the topic, I just expressed how I felt like I had a plan before and now that's all turned to crap and I don't even know what I want anymore (ie life in general). But in saying that, doesn't it imply how this break up screwed up my plans in life?

 

When I asked him how he was doing now, he said that he felt more "relaxed". What, now that I'm out of his life, he's more relaxed?? When he's feeling aimless about work and dealing with a break up, he feels more RELAXED??!!

 

Then he had to go, said that he had to call someone back before it got too late. I was suspicious of that explanation so I just straight out asked whether this topic of conversation was making him uncomfortable. I told him that I wasn't talking about anything related to us, just expressing some concerns in my life at the moment. He confirmed that he wasn't feeling at all uncomfortable but really had to call someone back. He said he felt bad for leaving me while I was trying to talk about something important and promised to call me back "soon". Not wanting to press the issue, I just let him go. And I felt absolutely crap afterward!

 

Did I say too much?? I felt like I let him get too close and now I'm all vulnerable again because I don't know what he feels about all the stupid implications I made. *cries*

 

At about 11:30pm, he calls me back. I was really surprised to hear from him and swallowed all the anguish I was feeling from our last conversation to speak to him. He said that he would call me back soon and so he did, because he wanted to be there for me as much as he could. To which I replied, "you don't have to be there for me, it's not in your job description anymore. Besides, this is a time for yourself, you're not supposed to be thinking about how I'm feeling - you have to do what feels right for YOU."

 

And that was the start of a half hour conversation where I acted as HIS counsellor. I told him that he had to deal with how he's feeling even though he admitted that he was trying not to think about them at this point in time. I know that he's the sort of guy who just tries to forget about something painful or hard to deal with and I advised him that in his own time, he really has to confront all the issues surrounding the break up. I told him that the past was given to us for a reason and that, accordingly, the break up was for a reason too. He should find out what it meant for him if he is to ever learn from the experience.

 

I told him that I don't regret the break up because it has taught me so much and forced me to deal with so many issues, which, in time, I may or may not share with him. I did tell him that the only thing I felt was wrong about the break up was the fact that he didn't talk to me about the issues leading to our relationship's demise. He told me that he would talk about this with me when he was ready to do so. I told him that I didn't need to know those reasons now, I may not want to in the future either but at least we both knew that there would be a time in the future where we would be comfortable to talk about the break up. But for now, I told him to look after himself and make sure he gives himself the time he needs to think about the break up. The only healthy way to move on is to deal with it.

 

In amongst all the counselling (which he was very receptive to and very grateful to for), I mentioned that my parents were going to be interstate in April for a week. He was surprised to hear this cos my parents never go on any trips without me and my sister. I told him that that was going to be surprise for him and that I was really looking forward to spending the whole week with him. I knew about this trip since mid last year but had kept in secret so as not to spoil the surprise. He sighed and said it was really thoughtful of me and that it would've been really nice to spend that week with me. So I reiterated the fact just to make sure my ears weren't playing tricks on me, and sure enough he repeated how great it COULD have been… And that just made me go on about his birthday/anniversary present I was planning (if we were still together) and how I was looking forward to seeing the happiness on his face when he received it. Again, I felt him smile as he said that he always loved the gifts I gave him. The last thing I said about this topic before I chose to move on was (re: the week my parents will be away), "It still can be, you just never know… oh well".

 

It seems to me that when he broke up with me, everything (including the relationship) was getting all too much for him and he needed a release. I think that he's still struggling with his feelings at the moment, not really sure what he feels but doesn't really want to deal with right now either. It's quite possible that the break up was considered necessary for him to assess our relationship and he didn't want to hurt me by saying he wanted just a "break" as he may not want to return after that.

 

And that moment we had about the week in April and the present – was that just us caught off guard? I really shouldn't read too much into that, should I??!! It's only false hope isn't it?

 

In trying to give him advice, did I make things worse for myself?? I genuinely wanted to help him cos I know he wouldn't be talking to anyone about it and I didn't say anything personal.

 

So if you've read all this, you have to help me understand!! I am so confused! I just wish my head would hurry up and explode already!! *cries some more*

[needafriend]

Our situations are almost exactly alike!!!! Uncanny!!!!!!!

 

Me and my ex broke up for what it seems the same reasons about 5 weeks ago.

 

And what I have realised is, that if you love him - don't cut him out of your life. I agree with the No contact rule partially, true- make yourself scarce, go missing. But if they make the effort to call, see talk to you, always, always make them know that you are still there for them. You guys shared an amzing bond that will never compare to anything else you both have. I think you have done the right thing, I would have done the same!'

 

Do you want this guy back???? Or are you just trying to make sense of the situation and heal your heart???

[grieving]

Hi,

 

My ex boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me because I think the pressures of our lives were just too much to handle. He won't admit this either and still thinks that we're 'just not right for each other'.

 

I spoke to him for the first time in 2 months yesterday (we still email and exchange letters on our lives and stuff - he's made it very clear that he wants to be close friends one day). My ex was really guarded and said basically that he's guarded not just out of concern for me but out of protection for himself.

 

I asked myself over and over why he's protecting himself from me, when he's the one who left? It seems pretty clear that he's defending hiself against some pretty strong feelings for me still.

 

I also said almost exactly the same thing you did to your ex - that he should feel free to tell me anything since I understand the breakup and that it's the right thing 'for now'.

 

A mutual friend told me today that he was pretty broken up after the conversation. And my ex is always the sunniest, perkiest guy in the world otherwise.

 

So my advice to you is to try to make yourself available to him to the extent that you're comfortable and maybe view this as an alternative way of closure. Perhaps you'll come to realize things about him that you couldn't see before and maybe you'll end up showing him something about yourself that he couldn't see before. At the very least, you'll end up getting back together or being good friends.

 

It's probably best that you don't analyze (if you can help it - I know its hard) the conversations and try to move ahead with all the things that you're doing: go travel, quit your job and have a great time.

 

Our breakups are still fresh and sometimes, forcing closure isn't the way. I'm giving myself some time and if I feel that I'm hanging onto my ex in an unhealthy way (rejecting possible relationships because they don't compare to him, etc.) I'll stop contacting him. But, in the meantime, I'm not ready to date again and I guess I'll use this alone down time to figure out his reasons for leaving and my reasons for still wanting him.

 

Hoep this helps.

 

Grieving

[Klementine475]

Hey there,

Well I've read your post and your past posts and I read all the good advice that was given to you so I'm not gonna repeat it cause I can see that you are actually taking this advice into consideration and to tell you the truth you are doing really really well from what I can read. People on here are absolute angels, I broke up with my boyfriend 2 months ago and I thank this forum everyday from the bottom of my heart because they helped me see things differently and find other ways for coping with all those feelings that you are having right now....its amazing because all my life I was used to coping with break ups on my own way and this is the first time I've acutally got such wise advice and gotten over this break up slowly but in a very healthy and comforting way, and this site has a lot to do with it! I myself stuck to the no contact rule and it has been a great 2 months, I got to learn so much about myself and I'm thankful for it. Anyway I'll stop rambling about myself. Just wanted to tell you that the advice you gave to your ex was very wise, and its great that you can still communicate so openly about things, it shows that you both are very mature. here comes the - BUT - I think at this point of time you should be making these helpful conversations with yourself only, all the things you said to him concerning his feelings should be directed to you - you should focus on you, it takes a lot of energy to comfort and encourage, and you need it for yourself at the moment. Its easy for him to get all this strength from you and I know that you're doing it because you love him and care for him and don't want him to be upset and it only comes to show what an amazing giving wonderful person you are, but don't forget about yourself along the way, I would advise you to not be in contact with him for a while so you can heal yourself and he can heal himself, I'm not saying you can't be friends or get back together, I just think that if you stay in contact now it will be hard for you to concentrate on yourself and heal yourself. I know that there is the fear that if you ask for some time for yourself you'll lose him for good and its there somewhere in your head, but if you really care about yourself and him, and if you really want this relationship/friendship to work and be different the next time around, you need to take that chance. Anyway, hope I didn't confuse you or anything, and I wish you all the luck in the world.