grieving

Sorry dikaia880, I didn't see your post before I posted. Thanks for asking for details. I think I said most of it but I dated someone for a month a few months after we broke up and I've been half-heartedly dating here and there. I'm in touch with an ex-boyfriend of several years (who strangely came back into my life just as my most recent ex left me) who wants to marry me. I said no given that I seem to be very much in love with my most recent ex. The most recent ex, the one I've cut off contact with, was dating someone for about 2 months and he ended it because she wanted more than he could give. Right now, I don't think he's seeing anyone. He's made it very clear that I can talk to him anytime about how I feel and that I can ask him anything I need to in order to understand what went wrong. What do you think? Thanks. Me

Hey all, Thanks for the support. It's good to know I haven't tumbled off that cliff of sanity yet. Well, in answer to you bostonchiiiiica, we were together for a very difficult 2.5 years that included the death of my father, a lot of travelling, long distance, medical school and his back surgery. He left very suddenly, in the same state of mind I suspect men who leave their families in the wee hours the morning are in. Initally, he wanted to be friends still but was having a really difficult time letting go, even though he left me. The last time we were in contact, we met in a park and he told me that now he's not sure he can be friends because he doesn't know how to do that with someone he'll love forever. He's not sure he should make his decision to leave harder on himself by continuing to be in touch with me, but he knows that it would be a huge loss in his life should we never speak again. So, in answer to you 486dx4, that is the madness: he is unresolved about leaving and unresolved about being my friend. And lifetooshort, in the park that day I did tell him how I felt, how much I still loved him. BrotherD, I hear what you're saying, but I feel that it is dishonest and undignified to hide feelings too. I know that I care very much about him and that despite the way he has handled our breakup, I would suffer very much also should I lose contact with him. Anyway, he said that at the moment, his life force isn't leading him back to me, that its leading him to new things and that he's a lot more optimistic about life again. He said its not about me, that he's just not in a space to be in a relationship again. He also said he doesn't know what will happen in the future. So, that's why I'm so scared: I know how very intertwined this person is with my soul. There are pieces of him in me, I see the world through eyes that are both mine and his. But his indecision is driving me mad - I have no clear sense of where I stand with him, as a friend, as an ex-lover or as the woman he loved and still loves. So, like you 486dx4, I've decided to fall off the planet for a while (without telling him) and see if his heart makes him reach out to me. 2 weeks later and it seems he's better off without me. I've also decided, I guess, to make the decision he can't - to cut each other off for a while so we can heal. Am I doing the right thing? Me

Hi, Ok. So, I'm using this forum as it was intended. I'm reaching out for someone strong to help me out. The quick story: it's 7 months post-breakup and we haven't gone without speaking for more than 2 weeks. Finally, I decided to just stop the madness - I decided to stop waiting for him to email and call me back, I decided to stop analyzing our relationship[ to death. I've stopped looking for answers to something he doesn't himself understand. I'm at that 2 week mark now. I'm freaking out a little. I'm at the point where you realize you're about to let go and I feel like I'm standing at the edge of an abyss. I've felt clean and restored since I cut off contact with him. But there's a growing sense of feeling extremely unsettled, of feeling like I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm terrified of letting go. Has anyone else ever felt this way? Me

Hi all, Thanks guys. I think it's hard for my friends to be objective about my ex and if they do have bad things to say about my ex, I guess I don't want to listen. Your comments sort of shook me up and made me look at the situation again. I want so desperately to believe that it's different, dramatic and tortured, that it's not just some ordinary breakup. I don't want to think that my ex is just some silly confused guy who quit the love of his life when the going got a little (well, actually, very) tough. It's hard, you all know that. I don't want to believe that my ex is a jerk or a mean guy or cruel. And I honestly do believe that he's just trying to do the right thing by being honest. But, ultimately, because he won't communicate clearly to me, I have no idea what's going on in his head. None. I should assume the worst for now - it'll probably help me move on. I've initiated no contact - I'm going on a week now! Let's see if the bastard notices that I'm not around anymore .... And just a comment on his "loving me forever" crap: what's that going to do to his next relationship? I think you have to be pretty arrogant or just dumb to believe you can walk away from someone you feel that strongly about and not have it totally mess up your karma. And thanks guys for being strong where I can't be. Me

Hi, Haven't been in for a while - I've been dedicating my energies to trying to survive my breakup and learn to smile again. We'd been keeping in touch afterwards; not more than 2 weeks have gone by without an email exchange or a phone call. It's been tough - he is so guarded where he used to be so open, so loving. And I just want to be in his life in some open, beautiful way, even if it isn't as his soulmate. And he left me, ironically, and he acts as though its his heart that's all busted up. And finally, for the first time since he dumped me in a divey cafe, he agreed to meet me for a walk in the park. We chatted under a gorgeous blue sky and caught up on quite a bit. I came clean and told him how much I still loved him and that I'd like very much to try again - I figured it was dishonest pretending I didn't have feelings for him and us trying to be friends and all. He appreciated my comments, I think but told me the same story all over again: he'll love me forever but his animating force isn't motivating him to come back to me. Not anytime soon, of course. And he said how painful it was to see each other again, how it hurt him so much. I'm so damn tired of trying to understand why he left me. Every cell in my body is suffused with a deep and overwhelming love that just percolates through every thought and in everything I see. It's as though he's behind my eyelids, still. He loves me so much he can't reach out to me as a friend and he doesn't love me enough to come back. And I wonder still what scheme of the universe would place a human heart in such an ugly paradox. It is as though the gods are playing he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not with my life. Sigh. If anyone has ever felt this crappy about shamelessly loving an ambivalent ex-lover, write to me? And if you're a fiercely strong woman who can let go and never look back, will you send some advice? I used to be the latter but this boy has taken it all. Love, Me

Hi, Allright. I ran into my ex at a conference this past weekend. I'd known he was going to be there (he's the one that told me about the conference in the first place) and I had emailed him the day before asking him which seminars he was going to be at so I would be able to avoid him. We had also spoken on the phone a few days earlier and it was really painful for both of us. This is why I didn't want to see him and I thought he would agree. Anyway, he wrote back saying we didn't need to resort to avoidance tactics and he didn't feel it was necessary to plan to avoid each other. So of course, I saw him walk into the lecture I was at a few minutes late. I left the lecture early so I wouldn't have to run into him. Then I felt bad for avoiding him and I felt immature and so I called him to say sorry for running out without saying hello. He was cold, brusque and sounded a little exasperated that I was calling. He said it wasn't just me. He said it was him too. He said he was on eggshells all day worried that he would run into me. Then he said have a nice weekend and we hung up. And he's the one who broke up with me and has been really into trying to sustain a friendship with me. I'm still not over him, but I value his friendship so I'm trying to the best of my ability to be a friend and to maintain boundaries. I limit the things I talk about with him and try to keep things fairly superficial until we can transition into a truly close friendship. And then he turns around and treats me like I'm some stalking freak? What is his deal? Did I do anything wrong that would cause him to act like such a jerk on the phone? Grrr. Grieving

Hi, My ex boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me because I think the pressures of our lives were just too much to handle. He won't admit this either and still thinks that we're 'just not right for each other'. I spoke to him for the first time in 2 months yesterday (we still email and exchange letters on our lives and stuff - he's made it very clear that he wants to be close friends one day). My ex was really guarded and said basically that he's guarded not just out of concern for me but out of protection for himself. I asked myself over and over why he's protecting himself from me, when he's the one who left? It seems pretty clear that he's defending hiself against some pretty strong feelings for me still. I also said almost exactly the same thing you did to your ex - that he should feel free to tell me anything since I understand the breakup and that it's the right thing 'for now'. A mutual friend told me today that he was pretty broken up after the conversation. And my ex is always the sunniest, perkiest guy in the world otherwise. So my advice to you is to try to make yourself available to him to the extent that you're comfortable and maybe view this as an alternative way of closure. Perhaps you'll come to realize things about him that you couldn't see before and maybe you'll end up showing him something about yourself that he couldn't see before. At the very least, you'll end up getting back together or being good friends. It's probably best that you don't analyze (if you can help it - I know its hard) the conversations and try to move ahead with all the things that you're doing: go travel, quit your job and have a great time. Our breakups are still fresh and sometimes, forcing closure isn't the way. I'm giving myself some time and if I feel that I'm hanging onto my ex in an unhealthy way (rejecting possible relationships because they don't compare to him, etc.) I'll stop contacting him. But, in the meantime, I'm not ready to date again and I guess I'll use this alone down time to figure out his reasons for leaving and my reasons for still wanting him. Hoep this helps. Grieving

Ok, So I just talked to my ex (we broke up 2 months ago). We've had pretty regular email contact since then (1X week or so). He broke up with me under some very questionable cicumstances. It was pleasant chit-chat and then finally I asked him how our transitional time was going. He said it was definitely transitional and tumultous and difficult and that he was on eggshells. He said that this transisiton is very difficult for him too but that he's committed to being close friends one day. He is very determined to keep being positive forces in each other's lives. He said that he looks forward to my emails. I asked him if he was cautious (because he is very careful and guarded in his emails) because he worried about leading me on. I told him that I'm ok with the breakup and that he shouldn't feel guilty and that he should be as open with me as he needed to be. (Of course, I do want us to get back together at some point, just not now. I can't gauge at all what he thinks about this and he said that maybe one day he'll change his mind, but that for now, there's no way he can continue a romantic relationship and that as far as he's concerned, this breakup is final.) He agreed that it's right for us to not be together and that breaking up still feels like the right thing to do. Then he said that he is definitely cautious around me because he's defensive and protective of himself too, that this is still a really transitional and disorienting time for him. He wants to be careful about touching on raw nerves that he says are still very fresh for the both of us. We ended the conversation on a funny and awkward note, when I said that I couldn't talk to him again for a while. He agreed that it was a little overwhelming talking to each other again and that we should continue emailing. Um, what is happening here? How can my ex be this committed to being friends? Why is my ex so protective of himself, so guarded about his own heart if he's not hurting about this breakup too? And if he's hurting, why do we continue to stay apart instead of trying to reconcile somehow? Help me understand someone, please? Grieving

Hi lady, Wow. It is a heartbreaking story you've told. I admire your resilence and courage in trying to make the love of your life work and I admire your capacity for forgiveness. I think given your maturity, wisdom and gentleness in helping this man and then letting him go, you're going to be fine. Whether you find love with this one, or with someone else, you seem to be too full of goodness to not find a way to happiness. It seems to me that your man has a deep-seated inner issue; there seems to be something in him blocking a capacity to feel the deep depths of love and emotion. I know several men, friends of mine, who have often complained of a limited capacity for deep, moving feeling. I think its often the result of blocking out negative experiences until finally the positive ones stop getting through as well. But, he clearly needs to find out what's going on with him - another friend of mine recently went through a similar issue and her ex is so sorry that he cannot produce the feelings of love in himself that he knows she wants and deserves. Her ex is the product of a difficult and distant family - I don't know what your ex's issues are, but it's good that he recognizes them and is willing to work on them. Be kind to yourself for now - as much as you love this guy, you deserve to be loved the same way and you can't wait your whole life waiting for his psyche to straighten itself out. Take small steps towards letting him go. You'll be ok. With love, grieving

Hi all, I just wanted to say that maybe in the beginning, when your lover first leaves you, things need to be seen in black and white - the shock of someone you trust abandoning you completely is awful. We say how awful they are, how terrible our lives are without them, and how we must walk away, preserving our selves, without looking back. But I don't know anymore, how black and white things really are. The lovers who left us are human too, you know? And I guess for me, having sustained some awful personal losses, losing yet another important human being was just much more horrible to contemplate than the possibility of not moving on. So I've kept in touch with him, partially out of fear of sustaining the grief of another loss and partially out of the hope that he'll come back. Denying that the hope is there has been more difficult than saying a complete goodbye. Perhaps such closure will come when he or I meets someone else - I don't know. In some ways, I envy people like you, SF Mike, who are able to make the closure for themselves. I'm sort of reconciling myself to obtaining it passively, for the winds of time to compel or force me to forget. These are random ruminations. I'm not sure if any of you others feel this way, that sometimes it is easier and maybe even bette, to exist in an undefinable middle when the circumstances themselves are uncertain too. Love, Grieving

Hi, I think I need some perspective on my situation. My friends are kind of getting frustrated with me and I'm not sure if I should follow their advice or my heart. My ex-boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago, citing that he still loves me but that he was emotionally exhausted and that he couldn't see our relationship giving him the peace and intimacy that he needs to be happy in the future. He still wants to be friends. We were together for 2.5 years and we went through more life-changing events together than most married couples go through in a lifetime. Anyway, after a week and half of no-contact after we first broke up, we started to email each other. It's all pretty neutral and involves talking about philosophy, literature and art. Mostly, we exchange recommendations on reading and gallery openings and stuff and occasionally we talk about what's going on in our personal lives. I've told him that I'm doing a lot of reevaluating of myself and my life, to which he didn't really respond. He then told me a week ago that he was feeling kind of blue, to which I didn't respond. He often includes quotes from books that he's reading, saying that some aspect of them reminds him of me and I can tell from his emails that he's put some time into composing them. The only problem is that he responds erratically - sometimes he responds right away and other times he takes a week to get back to me, usually apologizing for not writing sooner. It's driving me a little insane, frankly, because I start to obsess over why he's not writing back. I always feel calmer after he does write back and then I hate myself for needing the support of contact with him. I go through waves of intense anger, depression and elation still, even two months later, when I think about him. And after trying desperately to convince myself to move on, to acknowledge that he didn't treat me as I should have been treated, that he's not the one, I still find myself hoping that he'll have a change of heart or that we'll somehow once again be as close as we were. My friends think I'm insane and that I should stop all contact and move on. They won't talk to me about it anymore. And I guess I want to take our friendship further, but I don't know if it's wise or not. And if I do, should I be the one to suggest phone or face-to-face contact or should I let him do it? Should I ask him how he's feeling about our email friendship, or should I let him bring it up? Goodness this is so difficult. - Grieving

Hi, it's been 2 months now since my ex left me. And Mike, I just want to say how much I admire you for being so strong and looking reality in the face as you have. My ex left me on a similar note - his feelings changed one day and suddenly there wasn't any going back. I wish somehow I could stop hoping, but I can't. My heart can't let this die. So I exchange emails with him, hang on his responses and scare the daylights out of myself, believing I'll never have the capacity to let anyone in again. Let me be an example to you who can't let it go. Don't become like me. I'm in medical school, I have great friends, I travel a ton, etc. I'm functioning pretty well. But when you peel all that success away, you find me, who won't let anyone within 10 feet of her heart. What a failure I seem to be underneath it all. Forget love, guys, that's the easy part - it's intimacy that's the real kick in the a##. Happy holidays - I hope you all make it through well. Love, Me

Hi, I just need someone to tell me that this gets better. My ex broke up with me about 3 weeks ago and I am still having massive amounts of trouble thinking about anything else. (See my other posts for the full story). Does anyone have any insight as to how long it takes to stop feeling so damn bad? I feel crazy for posting on this forum every other day. I have no idea how I'll feel when I wake up in the morning. Sometimes I feel like I've swallowed my heart and I'll never find it again. Other times I feel like this breakup was the best thing to have happened to me. I am struggling to get through this. I don't want to get caught in a pathological cycle of despair over this. So any advice is appreciated. Grieving

Hi, I'm in very much the same boat at the moment. My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago after realizing that there were just too many obstacles and hardships in the way of us being right for each other (check my other posts for the story). I'm his best friend and he's mine too. Anyway, he was pretty emotional about breaking and wanted to resume a friendship immediately. I did too, but we both realized that the reality of the breakup needed to set in first. A week and half has passed since we last had any contact and I think it's for the best. I'm angry and sad and crazy by turns and trying to sustain my relationships with other friends and family is hard enough, let alone a new transition from romance to friendship. Take it slow. I know you need her and want her in your life but you both need to acknowledge that it's over for a reason. Let that sink in, and then when any anger, disappointment or lingering hope is gone, you might be able to be friends again. Good luck. Grieving

Hi all, I hope you've all weathered Thanksgiving ok. I just wanted to share some of the healing that's been going on in my life -as we're all sharing similar experiences, perhaps some of you will take hope, as I'm finally starting to. I was sitting at my family's Thanksgiving table when one of my cornier uncles decided to have us all go around the table and share our thoughts on what we're all thankful for. I rolled my eyes to myself and when my turn was up, I said "I'm thankful for my life." And god was I surprised to feel the wave of relief that accompained uttering that sentence. From the bottom of my soul, I was able to give thanks for something, despite the rocky road I've been travelling for the past few years. And as those nostalgic black holes creep up on me in the morning, I let the memories come and go. When they leave, I find something to be grateful for. Silly things, like my car or cable TV. Just saying out loud, "I'm really happy I'm eating this ice cream cone right now" calms so much turmoil, if even for just a moment. And, after a few conversations with several friends, it has begun to occur to me that a life partner stands strong and true, through all the adversities of life. Love can go through hard times, it's true. But love itself shouldn't be this complicated. We all deserve better than the lovers who have left us without closure, or simply because they weren't happy at the moment. We deserve to be loved unselfishly, and unconditionally. It doesn't matter why they left - they did. And they will suffer the consequences of their inability to love long and lastingly through the best and worst of us and themselves. My friend told me that I'd be writing a thank-you note to my ex in the next two months, for revealing himself to be the inconstant and unreliable lover that he is. And as I look back on things, I begin to see how badly I wanted my relationship to be forever, but how obviously it wasn't for me. I used to sit down and convince myself that I was a fool for not wanting to spend the rest of my life with this man. Scary, isn't it, what we can convince ourselves of? Look back on your relationship. You will see the fatal flaws that were always there. And once you accept these, you will find your heart lighten and begin to move on. Slowly, but you will. And if you and your ex-lover are meant for each other, time and the universe will bring them back to you. But for now, revel in yourself and your life. -Grieving