Unicorn123 Posted August 13, 2008 Share Posted August 13, 2008 ENA Friends, I am in the same boat as many of you who are doing NC hoping to heal AND retrieve your lovers. I secretly hope my ex will come back to me and start chasing me~ I found the following tips on the Internet, and wanted to share them with you. It was written by a guy named Matt and he shares his experiences as both a dumper and dumpee: ___________________________________________________ Matts Steps on How to Ease the Pain By Matt I will share with you what worked and didnt work with me so that it may possibly help you. Being on both sides of the table in the same relationship I can tell you how I felt at both times. First off I should explain the relationship briefly... I was together for almost 5 years... After 3 years I dumped her because I could not handle her insecurities, after 6 months of dating other people I realized she was what I wanted and ran back. She took me back, had the best year of my life with her and in life itself and decided she was what I wanted forever. unfortunately because of my career she again became insecure and dumped me this time because she was afraid I would do it anyways in years to come... (how sad). I work with a major label recording company and travel quite extensivly and thus have the oppertunity to meet hundreds of drop dead georgeous women, however my ex did not understand that looks are NEVER that important vs. true inner beauty, but that is an enitrely different post. Anyways!!!! I promised some tips that may help you... feel free to contact me at any time for anything. MSN. No Contact - I cannot stress this point enough. Your ex must understand the true absense of you to appreciate what they have lost. Worked wonders for me when I dumped her... i didnt realize what I lost and came screaming back months later. This period also gives you a chance to grow personally beyond any means... If I look at my ex before and after I dumped her she bacame a truly AMZAZING individual... she grew way beyond she was before. (i never realized this till now) Just realize how much growing you are going through RIGHT now... you will become a better person, not only for yourself but for your next relationship (with your ex or not) If your ex sees you or hears from you regularly you will become a saftey net and they will never realize you are gone or see you grow. No Contact - I cannot stress this point enough. Throw out everything regarding your ex - This was the hardest thing to do. All the pictures, the love letters, the teddy bears.... EVERYTHING. You do not need constant reminding of the pain you are going through... the relationship IS OVER!!! 3 reasons why you should get rid of the stuff a)you will be tempted to read and look at everything some time and this will send your progress back weeks if not MONTHS! (trust me) b)if your ex comes back to you, you want a NEW beginning and the past is the past and should stay there. Remember, learn, and move on, but do not dwell in the past. Too many relationships that get back together fail again because of people living in the past... "Oh i wish it was like this" or "he treated me like this then" blah blah blah CRAP! live for today and tomorrow. Dont be ignorant but dont dwell over spilt milk. THE PAST NEVER EQUALS THE FUTURE. c)if you get with someone new, the last thing you want to see is her coveting all of her ex's belongings... pictures on the wall etc. so why would they want to see your ex enveloping your life.... GET RID OF ALL OF IT! except one picture and one love note. Don't Fool yourself - IT IS OVER (for now). Dont even think of being friends... remember rule number one and two. Also dont make yourself believe that you can wish them well... you will in time but for now FEEL the way you want to... if you hate them, hate them... if you love them, love them... if you want them, want them... but always be true to YOUR feelings. If you have a pile of * * * * , you can keep pilling other stuff on top of it, but eventually you're gonna smell the * * * * (sorry for the crudness but its true) I made myself believe things were alright, and 3 weeks later i was back where I left off. Everyone has to grieve... EVERYONE... including your ex. Be one up on them and get it done now... so when they finally realize you are gone and you are done the grieving process, and if they come back you can evaluate if you REALLY want to be with them. DON'T Rebound - easy for me to say. Did this twice... once when I dumped, and once when I was dumped... it NEVER works. Worried that your ex is with someone else? dont... it wont last and if it does they will have many years of misery to look forward to because they will realize that they fell in love with the idea of the person and not the person themselves. every body GRIEVES... if not now... later... the rebound will only mask the true feelings for some time but then it will come back two fold and smack you in the face and you'll be worse off then you were before!!! TRUST ME! As I read somewhere, if your ex is going out with someone right away (most likely) your ex is putting a couple bucks in their pocket now not realizing the millions they could have had in the future. Thats when I laugh... if she only knew! TALK, CRY & SCREAM - Let it all out... you can push it all down if you want and explode in 2 years or you can let it all out now and begin the gieving process. I know people who arnt over their ex's after 3 years (yes... THREE years) because they havent let it all out. Find all your REAL friends and let them comfort you in this time of need... you will get so much advice that you can choose from. Also make it a point to cry kick and scream every day for at least 20 minutes... get that soundtrack from Titanic out or the soundtrack from the original Romeo & Juliet. Music can move you in ways you never thought possible. You will be surprised how long it takes before you say "What am I crying for?" 7 days later after this and I was done... I still have the once in a while cry, but they are short lived. Let it all out. No Revenge - Worried that your ex is having sex with someone else? kissing someone else? being with someone else? let them. Dont make yourself believe that you have to be with someone else to get back at your ex. They have made the mistake and will one day realize it... that is YOUR revenge... dipping to all time morality lows justifies your ex breaking up with you. If you do want to... have sex, kiss, be with someone else... be with SOMEONE ELSE. Don't try and fit a squre peg through a round hole. Because all you are going to do is compare that person to your ex and they will LOSE all the time. You cant compare a relationship that lasted months if not years to someone you just met... How would you feel if the other person was with you only imagining that it was their ex??? Eventually you will regret and feel guilt... "How could I ever treat someone like that?" you will ask yourself in time and realize how SELFISH you are just like your ex! Guilt can go a LONG way, and in the long run YOU will be hurt all over again. Be Good To Yourself - Now is where we "pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and start all over again" Go out to your favorite shopping center and buy that shirt/dress/pants you've always wanted... LOOK YOUR BEST. It is so easy to hang our heads low, dress in our favorite joggers all day and never comb our hair. What if your ex sees you looking like this??? why would they want to be with someone that looks like that??? or why would ANYONE want to be with someone that looks like that. Walk chin up, smile and breath deeply... this will effect your mental state due to physical conditioning. Even though you're no where near ready to start a new relationship you are ready to be GOOD TO YOURSELF. You must build up your self confidence up slowly and visually is a very good place to start. Remember you are a beautiful loving person... so much so that your ex fell in love with you for those reasons... remember that! but you cannot start to portray that about yourself with your chin on the ground. Exercise - This may be the hardest thing to do, but after my break up it was 2 hours a day in the gym... 1 hour weights and 1 hour cardio... Now this is a lot for most people, but I never knew why I wanted to come back to the gym... I later found out that physical exertion actually curves depression. The 2 hours a day I was there I was less effected by my breakup, I'm not saying the feelings went away but it was a great way to release my anger AND i'm in the best shape of my life... running almost 5 miles and day and getting those rock hard abs I've always wanted. This has to do with rule number 7 as well... the better you look the more confident you CAN feel if you choose to. All it is, is a motivater to become healthier than you ever were before... And just think... what if you run into your ex and they see how hot and sexy you look??? Get Out Of The House - After the breakup you will be DESTROYED... and that is ok. It is OK to feel pain and you must accept that to ever get over it. But there will come a time where you must NO longer wallow in your sorrow all the time. This becomes a self destructive path to deep depression. Get out... join that dancing class you've always wanted to do... Spend those hours in the library... join a local theater company... Volunteer if you have nothing specific you would like to do. Spend Time with the opposite sex - Tall, short, fat, skinny, white, black, orange, yellow & green. It is so easy to hate all of the opposite sex... and you must remember that not everone is a complete * * * * out there... sure 90% are but you gotta find those 10 percenters who will absolutly ROCK your world! You dont have to persue anything beyond what you want and are ready for. Maybe just a causal firend, or a new best friend. Make it a rule to meet at least 2 or 3 new people every week. The rewards will come around 10 fold. Forgive in Time - This is the HARDEST thing to do, but the most rewarding. Make sure you are ready to do it... dont fool yourself (Rule 4) Because if you do you'll be back at square one. Remember that everyone is always doing their best and so was your EX. They always were trying to do their best for themselves and most likey did not want to hurt you... It is sometimes harder and the one who breaks up because in time they will ask themselves "Did I make the right decision?" At that point... YES! but for a later time? Maybe yes maybe no... that is not important to you, that is their path they have chosen and you must accept that. Regardless you must release the Pain and anger... otherwise you will always be wasting your energy on them and be locked in the relationship. Thats why it sometimes takes years to get over someone because you will be haning on to the past OR are hanging onto hate. Dont do this. Remember that this person was not the ONE... not even close... if they were this would have never happened... In time you will find somone who is just as good (hopefully not) but MOST LIKELY better. But in orderd to get to that position you MUST release your anger and pain. How long before you can do it? No one will ever know but father time. Do Not Set Time Goals - One of the biggest mistakes I made was to set a certain number of days before I would feel "alright". Wow... was I disappointed and was I depressed. There can never be a set number of days that this takes... Each relationship is different, and each person is different... the 3 months it took someone to get over a 7 year relationship may take you 10 years... and vise versa. Some people (although few) never get over a relationship and some get over it in weeks. Never judge your relationship healing over someone else's. Let time work its magic and let yourself heal. Let it take however long it does... the faster you realize this, the faster you will heal. DONT RUSH IT! If you do, you'll be starting all over again every time you fail. "Love yourself... there is no greater love" Link to comment
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