Asking too much from my girlfriend...

[stratguy620]

I feel terrible right now. I just had a fight with my gf of 2 years over such stupid junk. I always get mad at her over such inane stuff. Like the fight we just had...i saw some pictures of her at a party last night. She was just having fun with her friends, and I got mad at her for no apparent reason. Or a few days ago, we were outside fishing with some friends of ours, and she said she wanted to go inside because it was too hot and she was tired, and I got mad that she didn't want to spend time with me or our friends and have fun. I do this all the time, and it seems like nothing she does is good enough for me. But I know deep down inside, I'm so lucky to have this girl. She's a saint, and I know that she is a once in a lifetime kind of girl, and I when I freak out on her like that, I feel like I don't deserve her. I mean obviously, she has her flaws, but I treat her like nothing she does is good enough. I really don't know what to do, because I love her so much, and I know 99% of the time Im being irrational. I guess what I'm asking is, how can I just loosen up? How do I realize that the stuff I get mad at her for isn't at all a big deal?

[aNnAeLiZaBeTh]

your relationship is not the problem. the problem is you. and i do not mean that in a bad or degrading way at all. because i used to be JUST LIKE YOU. it's completely internal. you need to learn who YOU are. become more familiar with yourself. i did the same thing--i dated around and treated every amazing guy like complete crap because i wasn't happy and didn't like myself. i had to become single for a while to get to know myself better and now i'm in an extremely healthy relationship. all i can suggest is that you take some time to be single and really get to know who you are and what you want. once you know what you want, you'll be much happier when you get it.

[nutbrownhare]

It sounds like you have real problems around control - I mean, needing to control another person. As you realise, this isn't coming from a happy place within yourself, but until you learn to like YOURSELF, you've got very little to give anyone else.

 

You don't necessarily have to be single to get to know yourself better, but you might consider professional help if you're really serious about tackling the problem. Depending on how severe it is, trying to work this sort of thing out on your own is a bit like trying to lift yourself off the ground by pulling on your own shoelaces.

 

Good luck!

[kyriel]

Hey man, at least you know you need help. I know alot of people who either don't know, or don't care that they can be so self-centered. That is the good part. The bad part is, since this issue is all about you, its gonna take your energy to fix things. Try to slow things down. Take a moment before every reaction you make. If something happens that boils your blood, stop to think why you feel that way. If its irrational keep it inside until you can calm yourself down. I know it isn't easy, but you've got to get yourself used to the idea that she has a life and her own needs. Trust me, she'll thank you for it. Keep this up and you will likely lose your relationship.

[law1204]

nutbrownhare is right, especially about the control issues.

 

You are abusing your girlfriend. Somehow your moral system allows for this.

 

You have to take responsibility for the fact that your view of relationships and of women and yourself is skewed and that what you are doing is wrong and not allowed.

 

I think you should start by seeing a counsellor.

 

Good luck!

[Wolf_22]

your relationship is not the problem. the problem is you. and i do not mean that in a bad or degrading way at all. because i used to be JUST LIKE YOU. it's completely internal. you need to learn who YOU are. become more familiar with yourself. i did the same thing--i dated around and treated every amazing guy like complete crap because i wasn't happy and didn't like myself. i had to become single for a while to get to know myself better and now i'm in an extremely healthy relationship. all i can suggest is that you take some time to be single and really get to know who you are and what you want. once you know what you want, you'll be much happier when you get it.

 

AKA "Soul-Searching". I completely agree. Everyone should do this at least once in their lives.

[jasper01]

The reason this happens is that on some unconscious level you are afraid of being close, and allowing yourself to trust someone completely. It just doesn't surface that way. It comes out as anger and criticism. A therapist can help with that.