Why It Wasn't Right (Warning: LONG)

[StillSmiling]

I find that in my really weak moments that I need to remind myself of all of the reasons why it really was not the right relationship. Even though I was shocked when it ended, I know in my head he was not the life partner for me.

 

It's so easy to get caught up in all of the wonderful memories and dream about the future plans you had. (We were suppose to be in Italy this month for my birthday *sigh*) But for me, that just creates more pain.

 

So I have a list to smack me in the face that is taped over my desk and I carry a copy of it my purse.

 

For therapy sake, here's mine:

 

1) Unstable. (The way he walked out without having dialogue about it, or being willing to work on it seems very unstable. AND, he would do it again.)

 

2) Controlling (It was ALL about what he needed. What about my needs? I compromised beyond belief and it still wasn't enough)

 

3) Critical (Not of me, but of others around us. I don't remember many compliments about friends or family)

 

4) No Higher Power (When I asked him why he thought he was here, he responded "To have a good time!" That always bugged me.)

 

5) Cheap (OK, frugal is one thing, but he took it a bit over the top. The thought of spending the rest of my life shopping at Goodwill is not pretty. And let's face it, how partners spend money is the #2 reason for divorce. He spent plenty when we traveled, but never on materialistic things .. AT ALL)

 

6) Messy (Not really bad messy, but does not maintain his house or car or clothes like I do. And I buy very nice things because I can and because I care for them and expect them to last. He didn't take care of anything. A stain on a shirt and he just threw it away because he shopped at Goodwill. LOL Humm ... I became pretty disposable too!)

 

7) My Animals (I adore animals and have a Golden and a 19 year old cat. He put up with them, but never really loved them or thought of them like I do. Hence, my poor dog went a bit neglected at times. He has a cat from his divorce that he says I loves, but he keeps trying to give him away!)

 

8) Work Ethics (I adore my work and yes at times work too much. But it gives me a rush and I still always gave plenty of time to him. Like 4-5 days/nights a week. He could not celebrate my successes, but rather saw them as robbing more time away from him. I gave up a $38K speaking contract for 6 weekends during the summer because of him. What a fool! I think he is a bit lazy and makes ends meet, but his parents have money so he is not worried about retirement. We are both 53 so that becomes an issue. Me, I'm a single business owner with no backup other than myself)

 

9) My Health (I want to quit smoking. He smokes as well. And is so cheap he rolls his own smokes. He also drinks a bit more than I think is healthy and I started doing the same thing. Harder to keep the wine down and quit smoking when you are with someone with the same bad habits. We both have alcoholics in our families so that's a bit scary as well)

 

10) Growing Old Together (He made a few comments about being with someone who became sick. They were not positive. Years ago a had a partner that died of Lou Gehrigs and it was hell. He told me he would have left. Yikes!)

 

And I wanted to keep this man in my life WHY???? I became sickly addicted to his romantic ways and overboard attention and how badly he wanted me. The red flags were waving.

 

Oh the lessons we learn after it is gone.

[journogirl]

it is very therapeutic isnt it to have the list-here is mine -there are a few similarities i must admit- looking back im not sure what i was thinking but he was so amazing at times i clearly buried the bad stuff and concentrated on the great stuff....

 

- He was selfish-his needs came before all others

 

-His business and interests and friends came before me

 

-he made me feel needy and said he wouldnt constantly reassure me about the state of our relationship.

 

- he said i ought to tone up and exercise more as there was room for improvement

 

-he didnt like doing things i did-like visiting historical places and moocjing round-he would mock how i did this

 

-he said offensive things about my family-called my brother boring and said he needed to get in the gym

 

-wouldnt pick me up or do normal boyfriend things as i am "an independent woman" and shoule learn to "look after myself"

 

-when my brother had to have his beloved cat put down he said "its just a cat" even tho i was so upset for him and he was so upset

 

-he refused to visit my very old beloved grandparents even tho he KNEW how much i LOVEd them...his words..."its not my idea of fun i only do things I want to do"

 

-he would belittle my opinions and mock me at times-when i got upset he said "im just trying to open your mind and educate you"

 

-when he was with his friends i was non existant.

 

-he wouldnt bother replying to my texts etc said he was too busy and made me feel i was pestering him

 

-asked me not to remove my makeup all the time before bed as he was most attracted to me when i was all done up!

 

theres more but u get the picture! xxxx

[ahop]

It is extremely hard for me to list anything, which is why it is so hard for me to get on..

 

all I can come up with is..

 

She's a free spirit and that's what took her away from me

 

and I guess the fact that she chose traveling and exploring herself over me would be a good one too.

[yankeefan74]

Here's mine:

 

- pattern of "running away" - She's not much for putting in effort to a relationship. She has run away from people her entire adult life. And waits until there's a new prospect on the horizon to do it. Better to go through infatuation again, then actually work at solving an issue that has come up.

 

- insecurity - everyone has insecurities here and there. In her case, she simply doesn't like herself very much. She blames things in her past on herself, and has never bothered to talk to anyone who might be able to help her. Her fear of abandonment is a big reason for #1.

 

- can't handle real emotion - she's addicted to infatuation...and has no problem getting angry. But the anger is caused by her inability to deal with any other kinds of emotions. This is why she won't allow herself to ever be alone - there's too many demons constantly trying to fight their way out of her subconscious. She believes crying is a sign of weakness, and actually gets upset at people who are emotional around her. When my grandmother passed away, my ex got angry at me for choking up in her presense. Emotions make her uncomfortable, as dealing with them might lead to her discovering some of the other things going on inside her...so when she's confronted with emotion, all she can do is get upset.

 

- anyone that has a different opinion than she does is just "Debating" with her. We couldn't discuss anything without her asking me why i like to debate with her. Since i'm about as laid back as it gets, and i can't stand conflict...this never made any sense to me.

 

There are other issues, but everything stems from the fact that i truly believe she just does not like herself.

[GoldenHillGuy]

Did we date the same girl?

[chopperboy]

all I can come up with is..

 

She's a free spirit and that's what took her away from me

 

and I guess the fact that she chose traveling and exploring herself over me would be a good one too.

 

Ahop, I'm in the same boat. My ex was a "free spirit" as well.

 

But, let's step back and really look at what this means. People like this are basically involved deeply in themselves, and they tend to their needs and whims, which may change by the moment. I think that "free spirit" is a nice way to say "selfish and self-absorbed". We need to really see it as that. Our exes couldn't get out of themselves enough to really care deeply about us. And that should be enough for us to take them off their pedestals - yeah, right, easier said than done ](*,)

[chopperboy]

Did we date the same girl?

 

LOL I thought the same thing!

[ahop]

Ahop, I'm in the same boat. My ex was a "free spirit" as well.

 

But, let's step back and really look at what this means. People like this are basically involved deeply in themselves, and they tend to their needs and whims, which may change by the moment. I think that "free spirit" is a nice way to say "selfish and self-absorbed". We need to really see it as that. Our exes couldn't get out of themselves enough to really care deeply about us. And that should be enough for us to take them off their pedestals - yeah, right, easier said than done ](*,)

 

Very true, and all of my friends have said this.. that and she's young and has always been tied down.. so she really wanted explore while she is young. She's 5 years younger than me she's 22 and i'm 27. I know it's not that big of difference but at this age it can be.. She just graduated and saw the opportunity to do things and she jumped on it.. It sucks that she didn't care about me enough to want me to be involved, but I'm also 4 years out of college and in a career with financial obligations, and she has none. I was gonna lose out either way.. I just get jealous, sad and mad about it all.:sad:

[chopperboy]

Very true, and all of my friends have said this.. that and she's young and has always been tied down.. so she really wanted explore while she is young.

 

I've followed your situation, because mine is the same. I'm older than my ex, and settled. She needed to spread her wings and be free. If I stuck around, I'd just be taking the wind out of her sails, and probably stunting the growth that she needs to undergo - at least that's what I tell myself. I was there for her at the wrong time in her life. But another part of me thinks that people can mature within the context of a relationship, if they just WANT to. I don't know which way is right, but she's made her choice. I'm sorry, man, I know what you're going through.

[ahop]

I've followed your situation, because mine is the same. I'm older than my ex, and settled. She needed to spread her wings and be free. If I stuck around, I'd just be taking the wind out of her sails, and probably stunting the growth that she needs to undergo - at least that's what I tell myself. I was there for her at the wrong time in her life. But another part of me thinks that people can mature within the context of a relationship, if they just WANT to. I don't know which way is right, but she's made her choice. I'm sorry, man, I know what you're going through.

 

It's relieving to see someone in the same shoes as me. What was said to you in your case?

 

In mine she of course flipped out of nowhere one day after telling me she loved me for 3 months. She didn't want to "break up" just take a step back. I agreed (foolishly) and we still saw each other for about another month. She told me during this time that she was gonna quit her job and try to get a position there come Sept. and she was gonna travel with all the cash she had saved up. That was a blow to me cause I knew it wasn't going to involve me. I expressed my doubts to her on one occasion and she would tell me that she just can't be in a relationship and reassured me over and over that there was no one else ( I don't even want to know ). One night I just had enough of thinking about how I was just a poor sap waiting for her heart to change and if it would it would have been a long wait for it to so I told her I couldn't do it.. She understood and it kind of ended there on good terms. It was an emotional last goodbye with intamacy involved which made it more sad.

 

The last time I saw her when she got her stuff was so tough on me.. No affection, though she was very friendly. We hugged, I told her to take care and I'll always remember her saying, " We'll talk again soon" that never happened.:sad:

[yankeefan74]

Did we date the same girl?

 

lol...well, you never know.

 

Anyway, i made my share of mistakes. Thing is, i recognized the larger ones early on. I would push her away early in our relationship, which just made her chase me more. I was insecure myself, and uncomfortable with the feelings she was bringing out in me. But i talked to her about it, explained my behavior...she told me she'd never met someone so honest and open about things and that she could learn a lot from me. Guess the lesson didn't take. lol

 

Anyway, this was a brilliant idea for a thread. It felt cathartic to actually list all of the things that would have continued to cause conflict since nothing was being done to address them.

[blue_dahlia]

I'm bumping this thread back to the top!

[tone_deaf]

I've found listing reasons like this is good. Because it keeps that urge to idealize her out. But I know I'm still attracted to my ex, which is making things difficult. It's only been a little more than a month, so...

 

One thing, though, I found a journal entry from when we were dating where I told myself that these qualities I'm going to list were making me less and less attracted to her while we were dating. I'm almost certain that this breakup is the best thing, just to get me away from these things. But disposing of love is not easy, or honest, I think.

 

My list:

 

1. Insecure - and all of it got taken out on me by her projecting onto me her insecurities. We're both writers, and she would tell me she didn't think I was a real writer, or I was stealing her ideas. But it was also about friends, work, school. Everything we did together and had in common, I would have to make sure that she felt good about it, and I would have to avoid talking about my successes, for fear she would feel threatened.

 

2. Lack of trust - related to her insecurities, but this one was pervasive. If I talked to a woman, she was suspicious. She accused me of sleeping with one friend, and "wanting to * * * * " a co-worker. But her lack of trust wasn't just about jealousy, she never trusted my compliments. I was aware of her insecurities, and tried to be supportive, but then she wouldn't believe I really meant what I said.

 

3. Resentful - of me. Pretty much anything good that might happen to me I was made to feel bad about.

 

4. Needy - I was constantly accused of not paying her enough attention. I was constantly told she needs a lot of attention. Ultimately this was what broke things off. She went to teach at some summer camp, and she made herself the center of attention with a group of guys. And then one of them made a move.

 

5. Frantic - She would go one day telling me she couldn't believe how much she loved me, and how amazing I was, and the next day picking fights with me about how I couldn't do anything right for her. The good days were great. But there were so many of these bad days (at least 2 per week), that I always felt as though I was hunkering down to defend myself.

 

Anyway. Sorry for the long post. It is helpful to list these things out. Thanks blue_dahlia for bumping this up to the top. It's been really helpful to read everyone else's list.

[StillSmiling]

WOW, someone just reminded me about this thread. Thank you. I had taken that list down ... GET OUT TAPE!

 

It's going back up to keep these baby blues wide open going back into the flames! LOL