My husband does not care if I orgasm or have sex.

[Sexlesssassy]

I really don't know where to start. I guess I will say that I am miserable right now due to my husband's low sex drive. He is perfectly fine having sex maybe once a week. It is driving me nuts. I have dealt with this problem for two years. He seemed to be more interested before. I have not changed my looks, weight, and many people find me very attractive.

 

I have tried talking to him, begging, role playing, lingerie, bondage, candles, lotions, games, and any other thing that has come to mind. I am willing to do anything. The worst part is when we do have sex, it lasts 15 minutes. I have not orgasmed, and he just finishes.

 

He says that I am not as nice as I used to be! Gee I wonder why? He has never really been interested in sex and I believe 99% that he is not cheating. I just can't come to find a way to make this marriage happy. I am definitely sticking with him. I am not a cheater, but sex never leaves my mind.

 

I hope someone can help me. I am new to this website and would like help. I feel I have tried EVERYTHING. Men please give me some insight.

[akatoro]

Hey there, Sexlesssassy and welcome to the phorum.

 

I am sorry to say that I'm the same as your husband. I've only had one relationship involving sex and we did it three/four times a day the first couple of months but then I started lagging behind.

 

The thing is that I still loved that woman very, very much and eventhough I thought sex was nice - I felt it was more important to maintain the sense of a level-headed emotional foundation. Everytime I had had an orgasm I sadly turned so ego and that was not something I liked to experience.. Maybe it was because I was emotionally satisfied and did not like to have that "foundation" rocked, or perhaps it was because she was my first real female friend and she turned into something like a "*best" friend (on the same level as me) that I could depend on. Perhaps I even thought she was more of a sister - I do not really know. (* I know gf/bf's are supposed to be your best friends, but I mean that she becomes 'just' a friend instead of bf/gf)

 

And I am sorry to insinuate that perhaps even your bf has some of those problems. Don't get freaked out by that sister-role I mentioned. It's not like one imagines having sex with your own sister or anything. I just want to state that clearly - it is merely emotional and nothing pervy from his side, I am certain. Have you talked it through with him? Sex can be so important in a relationship and I understand why you feel like you do. It's not nice to see the partner wanting something you're "unwilling" to give him/her either, so I would just try to explain how I felt. If he see's a problem as well, perhaps you could do something kinky together?

- I read that you've tried bondage, lotions and whatnot. But just some simple things like making tease-calls to him at work, deliver lunch to him at work.. Buy eachother small gifts or so? Perhaps you could even put up some post-it's around your home and mention different things that you love about him on them?

 

I am also sorry to say that I do not know why he sets your orgasms aside.

 

I honestly hope that all this works out for you,

and I am sorry that I kept talking about my own experiences but perhaps you could find something useful in there? I wish you the best, live long and profligate

[Ash]

This is really unfortunate for you. It does happen that some men just aren't interested in sex. Just as some men are far too interested in it. There's not a whole lot I can say about it without knowing what might be going on in his head. In all likelihood, it doesn't have much to do with you, how you look etc.

 

Very often when men cheat, they become more attentive to their primary partner (i.e. wife) and are more apt to be with her. In one way, it's part of the cover up, in another, it's an additional release for the higher emotional state they find themselves in. This is not true in all cases of course.

 

Maybe if you can give us an idea of some of the things he does that appear to be unaffectionate, or similar, somebody here could pose some possible solutions of how to work through it for the two of you. Does he simply not want to put any effort in? Or does he seem to try for a scant few minutes, then give up? It can take a while, he needs to realize that he must stick with it.

 

Once a man orgasms, chemical changes occur and he is often quite disinterested in sex for a while, nothing can be done about that. So, the real trick is for many couples to have the male pay a lot of attention to the female so she can enjoy things before paying a whole lot of attention to him. What happens when you essentially ignore him for a while, and both concentrate on pleasing you? Does he seem to find that acceptable?

 

The only other suggestion I have at this time to relieve your frustration would be through the use of a vibrator. You may feel you really don't want to have to resort to that, but it's okay, it's not nearly as uncommon as you might think, there's not a thing wrong with using one.

[holeinmysoul33]

Have you tried talking to him about it? Nothing can cure a bad sex life better than discussing your dissatisfactions. You have to be tactful when you do discuss it. Don't accuse him of not caring about your sexual pleasure, instead say that you would enjoy sex more if he spent more time pleasuring you. You have to be very careful of not accusing him. Some men have such fragile egos about sex that they can be hurt easily. If you dont talk to him though, nothing will change. He may think things are perfectly fine with your sex life. If even after you talk to him he doesn't care, maybe its time to rethink your relationship. Good luck.

[Nity]

Is he taking any medication that might be causing a lack of libido? SSRIs have this as a side effect.

[Sexlesssassy]

That is a good thought about the medicine. I wish it was that easy. I am learning to slow down my sex drive and not think about it that much. He changes with the seasons literally. His sex peaks are spring and fall? He is definitely a mystery.

[Illhelp]

Sexylassie,

 

I once had a lady that thought because we were intimate that she could do anything she needed to do in front of me. She would go to the bathroom, change her "pads", whatever. She was very upset that I didn't find some eroticism in those things. Well no, not when it's there always !

 

There a mistery about a woman. If we ask her to let us watch something we never get to see than it becomes a very intimate and erotic moment. Point is, are you very open with your personal things with him? If so it may take that "mistery" about you that he wanted to explore when you first met.

 

RD

[Sexlesssassy]

I really think you may be right! I however do not reveal to much to him. I am usually fully clothed and always lock the bathroom. You have made me think that maybe I'm too forward. He probably wants to be in charge and more sex driven than me.

 

His job is very stressful and he is always in charge. I will definitely give it some thought.

[Sexlesssassy]

I really think you may be right! I however do not reveal to much to him. I am usually fully clothed and always lock the bathroom. You have made me think that maybe I'm too forward. He probably wants to be in charge and more sex driven than me.

 

His job is very stressful and he is always in charge. I will definitely give it some thought.

[Illhelp]

Hi Sexlesssassy,

 

Remember, we love you all in sexy underware, but if it's available all the time it becomes "part of his day", Ho Hum. If your body is always on display and it's accessible too, why feel "hunger"?

 

You go girl!!

 

RD 8) 8) 8)

[hharris]

I too am dealing with a husband with lower sex drive than I had hoped for. Maybe we could help each other out. If you can talk to him about sex then surely there is a way to resolve the issue. It has been said that the amount of sex in a marriage is something that is negotiated. Maybe he just needs to see it from your point of view and then he will be more attentive to your needs, I don't know. I would appriciate your advice on my post as well.

[revdeluka]

hi, how are u today? well i would like to ask you if he was very sexual at the first stage of your marriage. i know that some men are affraid of sex, especially with the ones they love. this is because they are affraid that they will not satisfy their lover or that their lover might be judging them secretly so they avoid sex as long as they can. have you ever talked to him about the things you like about him? try talking about every dam positive thing you know about him. also i will like you to do the little things, since the lingeries and lotions didnt work. try the hugs, holding hands, the very small i love you things. i dont really know your problem and i am not offering a solution either, i am just giving a suggestion. i hope things work out for you. let me know how things go.

[i_love_my_angel]

I hate that so much when you go with a guy and they beg you to have sex with them and as soon as you do it, there like, dont wanna do it anymore. Guys are asses and we should never give them any. Then theyll want us more.

[pchellak]

"I hate that so much when you go with a guy and they beg you to have sex with them and as soon as you do it, there like, dont wanna do it anymore. Guys are asses and we should never give them any. Then theyll want us more "

 

Remember .. what goes around comes around. If you make a guy beg you for sex he is more likely to cheat. When he cheats please dont come here crying

[sunny_daze]

Hmmmmm, my ex husband didn't have much of a sex drive. Once every 3 months maybe and then it only lasted a couple of minutes. At the time I got so used to not having sex that I didn't miss it either.

 

Notice I say ex-husband. There is more to a relationship or marriage than sex BUT it is an important factor, especially if one person feels they are not getting enough.

 

It sounds like you have tried everything and you are definitely an attractive woman. My only suggestion, and something I should have done, is to go to a therapist together. Talking about it with a mediator may make things clearer for both of you.

 

He's a man for god's sake, he must have a sex drive somewhere in there. Something is bothering him and it could be anything. He probably doesn't even know what it is.

 

In the meantime, while you are trying to work this out, get a good vibrator girlfriend, it will restore your sanity a bit. You do not want to be tempted by a man who even seems sexually interested in you. You are attractive so I bet there are tons of men who think you are sexy. So get YOUR man to a therapist. You need this for your relationship.

[Streaks]

I hate that so much when you go with a guy and they beg you to have sex with them and as soon as you do it, there like, dont wanna do it anymore. Guys are asses and we should never give them any. Then theyll want us more.

 

Nice reply from someone who's handle is "i_love_my_angel". I really hope you can get over the pain someone has caused you. A single life is one of terrible wont and lonelyness.

 

 

 

 

 

Sexlesssassy...

 

It is difficult for anyone here to say what to do. Because we are not directly involved and don't really "know" either of you personally. Thus it is difficult to suggest anything other than in general terms.

 

As for me, I am the opposite. I am (almost) in your situation, my sex drive is through the roof (I'm 32) while my wife's is so-so. She does really enjoy having sex and never says no, however she isn't what I would call "active" but rather, lays back and enjoys it. She does have a bad ankle that keeps her from doing any real positions, but it's the eagerness that I enjoy. To be eager is to say "I really enjoy having sex with you" or "I'm so turned on" etc.. I _know_ she feels these things, and it is difficult for me to remind myself of it all the time.

 

In your situation it is tough to say. To say "a man typically does/feels this/that" might be too general. If I read your post right, your relationship and sexlife started out great. Well, speaking as a man, something has to have changed. The key is to find out what obviously.

 

How long did you two know each other before you got married? Did you date a lot beforhand? And if so was there a lot of good sex in the dating? Did either of you date many people beforehand??

 

This last one is a problem I have. I was a virgin when I got married at 23 and it is a condition I will NEVER suggest to anyone, EVER. Why? Because I knew my wife for a year and a half before we got married. We lived in different states and met online (long story). The short of it is, while we both knew what we wanted in a SPOUSE, I didn't know what I wanted in a woman, PHYSICALLY (I mean that as a rather encompassing statement). If I'd have "played the field" a bit, I might have had a better clue as to what I was doing. And I wouldn't have difficulties and inner struggles I have now.

 

That said, let me state that my wife and I ARE ~very~ happy together! We love each other and have a wonderful relationship!! We are both very open minded and are best friends. We even have a semi-open relationship.

 

My only hang-up is that I want more physically. Size, color, shape, etc etc, all that isn't as important to me (yes I DO have limits), as personallity. And that is what keeps us happy, we get along with each other and love each other. But, that said, I would LOVE to have my wife be more aggressive.

 

 

 

If you guys rushed into your marriage, or if perhaps your husband hasn't dated a lot before he met you. It could possibly be that he is questioning whether he is happy in the relationship. Now that could be _just_ on a sexual level.....or it could be more. Despite what we like to tell people, men are typically affected in physical performance by our emotional state. If something is bothering us, it affects us in bed.

 

I am hoping it is something like this. A common enough problem that can be worked out with counciling(sp). Because you say you are positive he isn't with other women, then we will rule that out. Perhaps he is _thinking_ of other women? Or maybe even that he is fantasizing(sp) about them and then feels guilty or something?

 

Also, you might consider a dildo. I know a few women who say the vibrator is a bit too much and the phalic shape is more than enough. They make "jelly" ones that I've heard are quite nice. But there is a TON of them out there so mix and match. You can buy descretely(sp) online as well.

 

The most important thing I can tell you, coming from someone who has a turbo-sex drive as well. Is to ACCEPT YOURSELF FOR WHO YOU ARE!! Do NOT change yourself becuase of a failing in your partnet! It is reasonable to adapt to the situation within limits of course....but not to the point of reprogramming yourself. There is NOTHING WRONG with being very sexually active. I've learned to deal with it and my wife has as well. We talk about everything and reach a compramise that pleases us both. But neither of us alter ourselves in drastic ways to please the other. We both give equally! I say this because the "I need to learn to calm myself down" or "I put away my sexdrive" is exactly what my wife did when she was single.....and it has taken me all six years of our relationsihp (still ongoing) to try and get her past that mental block she now has. Do NOT do that to yourself! You will be spoiling a natural treasure!!! Because trust me, you are a gift to men. An attractive woman with a very high sexdrive is what most men pray for every night. It is a fantasy for all of us at some point. Be proud of yourself that you are open minded and loving!!!

 

 

Men can be very complicated!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Streaks

[laurag78]

I have a similiar problem. I have been married for 3 years and my husband has no real interest in sex and he is otherwise very affectionate. I feel as though i always have to beg for it and i either get the "I'm tired i'll give it to you in the morning" then morning comes and oops there is no time, gotta go to work. When he does give in, i feel as if he's only doing it so that I won't be angry, what i like to call "pitty sex", which i do not enjoy. I go to bed angry everynight because he won't even try and i have givin up on trying, but it's really hurting me. We have talked about it before and he assures me that it's not me and that there is no 1 else. I don't know what's going on with him, I'm thinking of getting him some sexual herbal supplements, but i'm wondering if those really work. I just know that i do not know how much longer i can feel this way about myself. To tell you the truth it's not even really about the actual act of sex, but just the fact that he doesn't want to. So , girl i feel you and i myself and looking for answers. I thought i was the only one.

[laroxes]

It's the eagerness that I enjoy. To be eager is to say "I really enjoy having sex with you" or "I'm so turned on" etc.. I would LOVE to have my wife be more aggressive.

ACCEPT YOURSELF FOR WHO YOU ARE!! Do NOT change yourself

you are a gift to men. An attractive woman with a very high sexdrive is what most men pray for every night. It is a fantasy for all of us at some point. Be proud of yourself that you are open minded and loving!!!

 

Streaks ng

I agree with the above & want to add these thoughts. Your husband probably doesn't realize that you are slower to reach your climax & stops when he reaches his. Could you arouse yourself before you start with him so that you are almost there. That would be the most opportune time to let him kiss your clit & vagina while you play with yourself. Many men would find it erotic to watch a female masturbaing. I find it is more often that the woman says,"Not tonight. I have a headache." He might have lost confidence for being unable to please you.

[CandyKins]

Doesn't sound like 'making love' to me.

[aviator]

Please stop it ladies - this whole thread is driving me NUTS to think there are women like me - wanting sex every few days.

 

Of course my wife is a strict once-per-week type, but NEVER during her period (which seems to happen every 2 week).

 

Damn - it has been since Tuesday and I am going nuts but I made a pass yesterday and she was like "but we just HAD sex the other day!"

 

Tonight when the kids are in bed I will interrupt whatever the hell she is doing and tell her confidently "5 minute warning. Then off with our clothes!"

[Taomagicdragon]

Please stop it ladies - this whole thread is driving me NUTS to think there are women like me - wanting sex every few days.

 

Of course my wife is a strict once-per-week type, but NEVER during her period (which seems to happen every 2 week).

 

Damn - it has been since Tuesday and I am going nuts but I made a pass yesterday and she was like "but we just HAD sex the other day!"

 

Tonight when the kids are in bed I will interrupt whatever the hell she is doing and tell her confidently "5 minute warning. Then off with our clothes!"

 

Last night Aviator was seen fleeing his residence from a half naked woman wielding a frying pan. More details tonight at 11pm on your local news channel. Now back to your regular ENA programming.

[bella2007]

 

 

Please stop it ladies - this whole thread is driving me NUTS to think there are women like me - wanting sex every few days.

 

Of course my wife is a strict once-per-week type, but NEVER during her period (which seems to happen every 2 week).

 

Damn - it has been since Tuesday and I am going nuts but I made a pass yesterday and she was like "but we just HAD sex the other day!"

 

Tonight when the kids are in bed I will interrupt whatever the hell she is doing and tell her confidently

 

 

 

"5 minute warning. Then off with our clothes!"

 

 

Awww

 

looooooooooool =D>