Abreak or a break up?? confused!

[littlelady]

Hi everyone,

 

I am totally new here so i will try to explain what's going on but also try not to babble too much!but i'm sure i will!

 

ok, i am 25, my boyfriend is 27.we live 100 miles apart,which i find hard.we have had ups and downs in our two year relationship to date as expected but now i'm lost!basically,weve been arguing about living together,well,not even arguing,i mention it,he says hes not ready and subject changes,i want to he doesn't.He wants to buy a house,do his own thing i respect that and i try so hard not to mess things up by having silly arguments so i try to let things go.My boyfriend has a bad habit of letting things get to him and i could tell he was feeling low recently,not necessarily about us,just life in general.basically he seemed a bit off,i assumed he was tired as he works 14 hour days so left it.The next evening we spoke,i couldn't bring myself to say is it me,do you not love me anymore as i was scared of the answer so i text him after our conversation asking is it me,whats wrong i cant handle this.he text back saying 'i am just fed up,i think i need to be on my own for a while.it's not you i am just fed up with life.' that was it,he has taken very brief breaks a year ago when i caused problems but as far as i can see this was not caused by me.basically,i respected his requested and that text was the last contact we have had.that was 12 days ago.not a word since and i am a natural worrier.how long do i wait??to me he is the one although i know he is not on the same page.all sorts of thoughts are going through my mind and i have no idea what to do,i will not let go without a fight but i dont want to pester him and push him into finishing things.any ideas what i should do??its making me feel so lost and sad.what does all of this mean??i just keep hoping i will see him again.thanks so much for your time and patience!!

 

xxx

[arwen]

Hi and welcome on ENA

 

I think that as long as he indicates that he is not ready to start living together, you will have to accept that and leave the issue for a bit. However, what worries me is that it seems like even discussing it is out of the question. Not being able to discuss it at all tells me that there is more to it than not being ready- he may have doubts that regard other things than just living together (but that are a part of not being ready, if you follow me).

 

I think you are technically 'on a break' since he didn't actually end the relationship. He may need some time to sort things out. If there is more in his life that adds to the needing space, that would be understandable. However, I also think that if you are in a serious relationship, you ideally go through the difficult times in life together, and not take a break every time you feel low.

 

I have been in your position with an ex quite a few times. My experience is not too good, because obviously we broke up for good in the end (we broke up a couple of times, actually. In my experience it is best to leave him alone for a while. But. Try to use this time to think about this relationship from YOUR side of things, from the perspective of your desires and needs. Otherwise you'll spend days/weeks/whatever amount of time it takes for him to start communicating again obsessing about what he is thinking or feeling.

 

Hope things will work out for you.

[cpujunkie]

Take your time and think about yourself. Is this what you really want? I have found that you can not force the issue on the other person.

[littlelady]

i'm trying to resist contacting him but i miss him so much.I will respect his wishes and leave him be,i just can't help hoping that he is missing me too,i just don't feel he is as he would normally have given in by now and text me or something i do understand why he doesn't want to live with me,it's a bigger deal as we live further apart,also he lived with his last partner and it all went horribly wrong.He also told me a while ago he doesn't want to move in with each other and then it all goes wrong and we lose what we have.He also said he is afraid of commitment.I understand all of this and other things he is feeling but will this ever change?is it just that i am not special enough for him to want to take the risk of living with me or committing to me in anyway??i let go of the chance of living together as i didn't want to badger him with it but it makes me wonder if we could ever have a future together?can these feelings really change with time?i'm not sure.

[arwen]

As couple needs to be ready to move in. It is a very big step, it's definitely not the same as spending every night together. So being cautious is not a bad thing per se. If all is right in a relationship feeling-wise, it may still be the case that moving in together is too soon. I can understand that he is cautious with it, because he had a bad experience. These feelings can definitely change as you grow to that level of the relationship. His fear of commitment, do you think that this goes back to this same experience with the ex? Are there other things that make you feel as if you are not 'special enough'?

[littlelady]

yeah i think that when it all went wrong when he lived with his last partner is part of it,i don't know too much about it,he just said they moved in together when they had been together a year,were living together for a year and a half or so and he ended it because he just wasn't happy.I don't think he is the kind of person who will ever be content,i really don't know,we are so close,but there is still so much more we could (should?) know about each other.some people just don't do the deep and serious talks some couples have and he is one of them.It's not that he doesn't make me feel special, it's just he has told me that he likes his own space and i appreciate that but i just feel that if he was madly in love with me then he would want to do all these things with me,even if it was way off in the future.and he wouldn't be taking a break,but that is just how he deals with stress/depression,thats just who he is.I can't help but think one day he will meet someone who just blows him away and he will want to take that risk and have a future with them but if he has to take time to think about it then its clearly not me.i can't handle being madly in love with someone who doesn't want to even think of a future with me.he is a truly wonderful person ,he has supported me through so much and puts up with alot from me but i'm not sure of how he feels.a few months ago i got upset about things,our future or lack of and he said "just because i don't want to live with you doesn't mean i don't love you".i just don't know where i stand and him not talking is killing me,i just want to talk it all through with him but i have to leave him be.thankyou so much for listening,you must be such a patient person !xxx](*,)

[Excalibur]

This is simple but you are not seeing it as it is.

 

He loves you and the life he has with you AS IT IS RIGHT NOW. He doesn't want more commitment, cohabitation, involvment, or obligation. It has nothing to doo with you - nothin to do per se with his last relationship.

 

it's that his ideal relationship doesn't involve cohabitation ro commitment, which doesn't mean there is no love.

 

He's clearly told you he's not a person content with himself or his life....it'll thereforee be impossible for him to always want to be with and be in love with you.....his love for you is determined by his view of life, which is not from a consistent position of respect and acceptance of self.

[arwen]

yeah i think that when it all went wrong when he lived with his last partner is part of it,i don't know too much about it,he just said they moved in together when they had been together a year,were living together for a year and a half or so and he ended it because he just wasn't happy.

 

In my experience, living together is a big change- for us it made us grow closer together. But it can also mean discovering things about your partner that you can't live with. Of course ideally, you know the important stuff before you move in together. But even then, feelings can change or turn out to be not strong enough.

 

I don't think he is the kind of person who will ever be content,i really don't know,we are so close,but there is still so much more we could (should?) know about each other.some people just don't do the deep and serious talks some couples have and he is one of them.It's not that he doesn't make me feel special, it's just he has told me that he likes his own space and i appreciate that but i just feel that if he was madly in love with me then he would want to do all these things with me,even if it was way off in the future.

 

What kind of things do you feel you don't know about him? My bf is pretty closed as well, and doesn't put feelings to words easily. It has taken quite a while before he was comfortable enough to share deeper things. I don't know if him not talking has anything to do with being 'madly in love' or not. I think in a way it's more difficult to share the really deep stuff with someone you are this close with. Sometimes it's easier to share things with a total stranger- like here on a forum where you have anonymity.

 

and he wouldn't be taking a break,but that is just how he deals with stress/depression,thats just who he is.I can't help but think one day he will meet someone who just blows him away and he will want to take that risk and have a future with them but if he has to take time to think about it then its clearly not me.i can't handle being madly in love with someone who doesn't want to even think of a future with me.he is a truly wonderful person ,he has supported me through so much and puts up with alot from me but i'm not sure of how he feels.

 

Again, I don't know if he's NOT thinking about a future with you. I think you simply may be in different stages. You are ready to take the next step, he is not. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or doesn't plan on being with you in the future. It just means it's not the time now.

 

a few months ago i got upset about things,our future or lack of and he said "just because i don't want to live with you doesn't mean i don't love you".i just don't know where i stand and him not talking is killing me,i just want to talk it all through with him but i have to leave him be.thankyou so much for listening,you must be such a patient person !xxx](*,)

 

I think you should just leave him be for a while. I know it's very hard- but it seems you love him a lot, enough to give it the opportunity to grow also through a difficult time. Once you feel he is more open again, and if he doesn't initiate a 'future' related conversation, I'd ask him (simply) if he wants to continue the relationship with you. Try not to push him into an answer. You want the honest answer to that question, even if it would turn out that he is thinking about ending things.