Endless Banter...

[jengh]

I have a few of these started already but so what? New time in my life.

 

Lately, I've just felt lost. It's a hard feeling to describe but I look around me and see my friends graduating college, living with significant others, getting married, having babies... It makes me really realise that I have to, at some point, join the real world and enter adulthood. I guess I feel kind of stuck. Jealous, too, really. I'm not saying I want to get married and have babies...definitely NOT... All I want is some sort of guidance, I guess. Something I can accomplish. Motivation is really the key and I seem to be seriously lacking it. I put on a pretty good front for those who don't really know me. From the outside, I look like I know what I want out of life, I look like I'm going to make something of my life. But, in all reality, I'm so scared and lost. I'm so tired of feeling like the world is moving forward and I'm left in the dust.

 

Jackie just had her baby. I couldn't be happier for her. He's beautiful. Perfect. God it makes me feel old, though. Me, I just have my cat. I'm going to wind up being that crazy cat lady living alone with her 30 cats in a creepy old house that the neighbor kids are scared to walk past.

 

I need to get my ass in gear. I think if I can do one thing (like get a job...hey, it's hard finding a job in Michigan!), it will push me to do another (try harder in school). I just need to take the steps to achieve that. It's such a small goal, really but you have to start somewhere.

 

I need to get out of Michigan. I've been dreaming of having a condo on the Pacific ocean since I was 10. Back then, though, it was Daryl and I wanting to move to Malibu (we heard it was nice) and own one together. Now, I just want to get away. The Pacific still sounds pretty great. When that first snowfall comes, my world just comes crashing down and doesn't lift again until I'm certain there won't be more snow for a few more months.

 

I need to get myself out of this slump. I finally got a job interview for Tuesday. We'll see how it goes, though I'm not optimistic. I'm very qualified for the position, but I've just been failing at EVERYTHING lately.

[jengh]

I saw that as a bumper sticker once and I feel it really rings true. I really don't understand people. I don't understand their need to create unnecessary drama by spreading around lies. I think these type of people thrive on other people's misery and heartache.

 

Example: Last night, I decided to stay at a couple of my friend's apartment because I was too drunk to drive home. My 100% platonic friend is sleeping on the floor, I have the couch. I suppose I left my phone on the floor, as I didn't want to lose it in the couch cushions (hey, it happens). Phone rings around 5:30am, though I don't hear it. Platonic friend hears it, answers it. Okay, number one--why the hell would you answer someone else's phone? Someone who you're not even that great of friends with. My close girlfriends, absolutely they can so I don't miss a call. Guy friend who I've only known for a couple months? Don't do it.

So, I call up the boy mid-morning. First thing he says to me, "is there anything you want to tell me?" So confused. He explains that he talked to guy friend last night. Guy friend was asking about us (please, as if I don't talk about John all the time), telling him he's just being "straight up" with him, that we've made out (!? Really? This is news to me. Where was I?), all sorts of lovely things that clearly insinuate there's something going on between us. There isn't. Anyone around me knows there isn't. We hang out pretty frequently, but he's just a drinking buddy, I swear.

So, now I have all sorts of stuff to iron out, get back into order. He says he believes me but deep down, I think there's a part of him that doesn't. In the past, I've been a serial cheater, as has he. I think it's hard to look past that, even if it is a fresh slate. It's difficult because he's so far away, he doesn't know my friends, he doesn't fully know what goes on. You have to have a lot of faith in that person, a lot of trust, respect and honesty to make a long-distance thing work.

I try to put myself in his position. How would I feel if some random girl answered his phone in the middle of the night, long after the bars had been closed? I would be positively livid. It's all a big he-said, she-said game. I mean, what would I believe? Of course I would want to believe the person I love, someone who's always been upfront and honest. But, at the same time, if that girl on the other line was extremely convincing... there would be that little shadow of doubt there, and something I would probably take into consideration. I can't just tell him to get over it because if it were me, it would be eating away at me like crazy.

 

I just don't get it. I put myself in these situations. I -know- this guy is notorious for starting random gossip. Just last month he spread around that one of my closest friends had a threesome with him. Word got back to her boyfriend and, damn, the drama that developed was unreal. She's a wonderful person, extremely faithful to her boyfriend. Why do these things even have to arise? It's unnecessary and harmful. Me, I feel like I'm a good person too. I try to always do the right thing, help people whenever I can.

 

I guess I'll just have to wait and see how everything pans out. Hopefully, it's understood how much I truly care about him and love him

[jengh]

Well, I started to be pro-active and take steps in the right direction. In light of everything that has happened over the past 24 hours, I decided it would be best to cut ties with Joe. So, I called him up, told him my reasons and hung up. He was really upset, telling me I'm overreacting (I don't think so, do you?) and all of that. I don't want people in my life who bring drama. So far, I've managed to have a pretty drama free life. The time I spent with Joe was chalk-full of it. Seriously, it's like a little cloud of drama followed him everywhere. He's an alcoholic, just violated his probation and now has a warrent out for his arrest. He's going through a divorce and his soon-to-be-ex-wife and he get into these horribly heated arguments. I just don't need to be around it. I'm really trying to get my life together. I've spent far too much time effing around. It's time to grow the hell up and become a responsible adult.

 

This is the first Saturday in awhile where I haven't gone out drinking. I tore it up last night and figured I could use a night to just chill out. I have the house to myself for the most part, Beau and Lacey are at the neighbors' house drinking, Creeper is MIA and Hair Puller hasn't been seen in a week. It's nice. Quiet. I miss my quiet alone-time. I love living with Lacey, she's a fantastic roommate but sometimes I really like the solitude. Growing up as an only child instilled that in me.

[jengh]

So I spent all of last night thinking about the way things were going in my life. I was so distracted, I didn't get to sleep until after 3am. I did wind up talking to John finally. There was still some weirdness there and I think there will be for a little while. I understand. I would be very weirded out if I were in his position. I talked to him more today and he hasn't been very chatty. His tone of voice tells me things are going okay but he's just quiet. I know he has a lot on his plate, as well.

 

So here I sit. 4pm on a Sunday. I'm still in my pajamas, haven't put my contacts in and haven't really moved much from the computer. People keep asking me, why don't you go do something? I'm so broke. My gas light is on and I can't even drive anywhere. My mom transferred some money for me but I'm too lazy to go to the bank right now. Maybe later. I guess there isn't really anything I -need- to do today. I'm perfectly content with just relaxing for the day.

 

Sitting next to me is a piece of paper my mom sent me. It's a pamphlet from a psychiatric clinic. I need to call and make an appointment. I've had this little piece of paper staring at me for three weeks now. I know it's what I need to do, I hate feeling the way I have been. The doctor put me back on my Wellbutrin and I know it's only been a week, but it hasn't done anything yet. I still feel exactly the same. Dead inside. Empty. When I was on it before, it really helped so I remain optimistic.

 

It's a nice day. I'd like to go to the park or something like that but I just don't have the motivation to get up, get showered and dressed. I just don't care enough, I guess. I just feel really down. Yesterday, not only did I lose one friend (though I can hardly call him a friend after what he did to me), I lost three. Joe lives with my friends Shannon and Eric. I can't put myself through that so I feel it would be healthiest for me to stay away from them as well. As much as I enjoy their company it's just not worth the chance I'd run into Joe.

[jengh]

Well, I have my job interview in 2 hours. I'm really nervous. I need this job so badly. It sounds like the perfect place for me too. The position is for a dietary aide at a nursing home. It's a small facility, only 55 residents. It's also a Catholic place, which I am (though, I don't attend church as often as I should. My roommate joked I was going to *poof!* ignite when I walked in).

 

I have my outfit picked out. I'm wearing my black pinstripe pants from Banana Republic with a black top. It's conservative. Perfect, I think, for this place. My only complaint about this place is how far away it is. I live on the southeast end of Grand Rapids. This job is on the northwest end. It couldn't possibly be any further! It doesn't really help with my gigantic SUV. But, it's better than no job.

 

I'm really looking forward to the weekend. Lacey has invited me for a girls' weekend up north. I haven't been able to attend one yet (always other priorities like a job, etc) but they look like so much fun. Things really get crazy. Her girlfriends are so much fun and so nice.

 

I'd better stop procrastinating and start getting ready for my interview.

[jengh]

So I had my job interview this afternoon at the nursing home. The position is for a dietary aide. The description made it sound like the ideal job. I get to the interview and holy hell does it sound like a lot of work and responsibility! I would be the supervisor of the entire kitchen and I'd only have one hour to cook a meal for 155 residents. Ouch. It sounds really stressful. One of the ladies interviewing me asked, "How's your stress level?" In my head, I was laughing and thinking "well, I have to take klonopin but it CAN be managable. She told me it's a VERY high stress job. And, the hours are 5AM-3. AM. Can you see me getting up at 4am every morning to go to work? I can't.

 

I just don't feel qualified for the position. I haven't had the managing/supervisor experience needed to fulfill this position. They seemed to like me, but who knows.

 

Time to start applying for more jobs.

 

 

 

I'm about to give up.

[jengh]

Well, I just got off the phone with Student Services. I made myself an appointment to speak to an advisor tomorrow at 4pm. I'm not very keen on the advisors at Grand Valley. They're not very helpful. I need guidance, I need help staying on the right track. I need help picking out classes to take. Last time I spoke to an advisor, this is what he told me: Take whatever classes you want to. Ummm, okay. 1)I'm on academic probation and I need help getting out of it. 2) I don't want to take a bunch of bs classes that aren't going to amount to anything. Contrary to popular belief, I WOULD like to graduate college at some point.

 

This is supposed to be my senior year. I'm a freaking senior in college and yet I don't have a major and I've dropped so many classes in the past that it only amounts to me being a sophomore. Seriously. I just need help. I really lack the motivation. I don't really know HOW to get motivated. If there's some tricks or tips or if it's just that I really have to want this for myself. I get so depressed seeing my friends from highschool graduating, studying abroad, making something of themselves. I'm just so stuck. I was supposed to be studying abroad. I should be graduating next May. It makes me feel so bad. I almost want to delete my facebook account so I don't have to see the pictures of everyone, happy in London or Paris or where the hell ever.

 

I don't really let on to people how bad it really is for me. I guess people who read this will finally understand. I'm ashamed of myself, I really am. I'm just so disappointed in myself I just want to give up. I need to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Or at least decide what DIRECTION I'd like to head in.

[jengh]

That idiot Joe called me tonight. First he called from a private number, so I didn't answer. A few seconds later a call from an unknown number with local area code called so I answered.

"Hey Jenny, how's it going?"

"Who is this?"

"It's Joe. What are you doing tonight?"

"Why the hell are you calling me? I told you to never bother me again"

"Oh, you're still on that bull****?"

"Um, yeah, you almost compromised my relationship with your stupid lies."

"Well, that's gay. Do you want to hang out?"

"NO!"

"Well, I have your car keys. You'll have to come get them"

 

And it went on for a bit longer. Seriously, I am just furious, fuming. Is this guy dumber than a bag of rocks? He tried to sabotage things with the one person I care most about. The NERVE of him to call me 2 days later is appalling.

 

Here's my dilemma: The fact that he has a set of keys to my car really bothers me. I don't trust this guy at all. Yet, I don't want to see him to get the keys. I called our mutual friend Shannon up (Joe is staying with her and her boyfriend Eric) and she agreed to get them for me. I just have to wait until tomorrow since Joe's home already. I hope he doesn't do anything stupid.

 

I believe he has a warrant out for his arrest. As soon as I get my keys back, I will be putting a call in to the local police. He has a very spiteful ex-wife so it could just as easily be her as it could me. Hey, I'm just looking out for the good of the community.

[jengh]

Nothing in life comes easy. It's something that I've been realising the past few months, as I continue to struggle with financial issues and education issues.

 

As I wrote previously, I had my meeting with an academic advisor today. We talked for quite awhile, about what direction I was heading in, what steps I needed to take in order to accomplish my goals. Then we picked out classes. I was elated. I thought to myself, wow, this was really simple. I should've talked to him a semester or two ago. Then came the fun part.

 

As I went downstairs towards the Student Services office to turn in my registration form, something occurred to me: that was far too easy. Nothing in my life ever comes that easy. I get down to the registration desk and the woman starts typing in my classes. She enrolls me in Social Work 150 and Biology 105. No problems. Then comes Studio Art 150. There's a hold on there. I need to contact the art department for an override and then, if they even approve it, I will finally be enrolled. No big deal, I thought. Then she gets to the math. "Oh," she says, looking up at me. "You need the pre-reqs to take that class". Let me just mention here this is a class I will be re-taking due to the fact that I didn't drop it in time and I got a 0 for the class. That means, my GPA is screwed up and I'm in jeopardy of dismissal. Let me also mention that I didn't previously need that pre-req.

 

This is my last chance at this university. I HAVE to take that math class in order to get back into good standing. But, I haven't taken its pre-req yet so I'm screwed. This whole pre-req thing just came into effect this semester. Fan-freaking-tastic. That's how my luck goes. Initially, I thought, well, I can just test out of the pre-req, no problems! But, it turns out testing has finished for the fall semester. Wonderful.

 

I sent an e-mail to the professor whose class I wanted to take, I explained my situation and asked her if she would override it for me. Now it's a waiting game. This woman holds the key to staying at this university.

[jengh]

I've been perusing the university's website and looking for stuff about placement testing and overrides. I'm thinking I'm going to just take the stupid placement test. I was looking at the dates and it looks like there's a test on Friday. I looked at the sample test and knew how to do most every problem so I shouldn't have any issues getting into the right class =)

[jengh]

I'm in pretty rough shape today but it's totally worth it. I had such an awesome time yesterday and last night. Lacey and I went to Cadillac for our girls' weekend. Stopped at Meijer to pick up our beer (we each got a case, if that eludes to how the day went) and then to Aimee's. She has an awesome house and an even better in-ground pool. We spent the day gossiping, chatting, drinking, swimming, eating. It was great. What's even better is the tan I got. My mom is right, you DO get tan even when you wear sunblock AND you don't get burned. I never believed her and don't usually bother with the sunblock (shame on me), but I knew I'd be laying out ALL day (we got there around 1) and burning early on didn't sound like a good idea. I think I'm already darker than I was by the end of last summer. I love being tan. I feel better about myself for some reason.

 

After a much needed nap (it turns out beer from the freezer, not frozen but ice cold, goes down way too easy), I got myself all ready for the night, drank a few more ice cold beers and we hit the bar. We danced and drank more and had a great time. We ended up at another bar where I got a way too big Oberon and Lacey and I spent the remainder of our bar time throwing up in the bushes outside. Oops.

 

All in all, it was a great night. No boys or children allowed. The way it should be sometimes.

[jengh]

Hah, in reference to my last entry... those bushes we threw up in apparently belonged to someone. This lady did not take kindly to the thought of her poor bushes being violated. The cops were called, but really, what could they do? That's what you get for living next door to a bar.

 

I'm going to paste the thread I was going to post. I originally posted it but deleted it because I wanted to make a poll with it. But, apparently I have to wait. I just don't want to lose what I wrote.

 

 

Anyways, it's been awhile since I posted in this journal. Last night was another crazy one. Drank at home with Kelly and then headed downtown. I need to stop drinking like this. I got us kicked out of the bar (I was falling down), I fell and skinned my knee, I'm pretty sure I sprained my ankle... And apparently I had a long conversation with a cop. I'm friendly with cops and respect them fully so apparently I wasn't just another drunken ass. I'm truly shocked I didn't get a Public Intoxication infraction.

 

Tomorrow is my first day of school. I have environmental biology and studio art. I'm looking forward to it, for once. I'm getting really stir-crazy, not having a job and all. Tuesday, I have my Human Needs in Complex Societies course (social work) and stupid math (i need to get it over with and it's the only thing keeping me on academic probation--I didn't drop it in time and received a 0)

 

Cairo just pooed. The smell is terrible. I can't wait til I move--her litterbox will be OUT of my bedroom!

 

Oh yeah, that's another thing. I'm moving in a few weeks back to Appleridge. I'll finally be on my own, no roommates or anything. It's a really nice complex, I lived there with crazy Keri when I first moved to Grand Rapids. There's a pool and my apartment will be located facing the woods. We're not supposed to have pets, but K and I had 2 cats last time and no one said anything.

[jengh]

If you HAD to kiss someone right now, who would it be?

John, definitely, although lately I've been wanting to smack him more than kiss him

 

What' s the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Eyes, smile and the way they carry themselves

 

Where are you right now?

In my cozy little apartment

 

Did you go anywhere today?

I met Lacey for China Buffet and will be leaving for studio art in an hour

 

When was the last time you cried?

A couple of days ago. It's been a very stressful week for me

 

What'd you do last night ?

I went to Ashley's baby shower and then worked on my paper for social work and then drank some beer.

 

 

What are you doing tonight?

I'll be in the art studio for four hours, then coming home to finish my paper.

 

What was your last fight about and with who?

John and communication

 

 

What was the last thing you said out loud?

Yeah, bye

 

Who' s the first person on your missed calls list?

Ben, my ex... I didn't feel like answering.

 

What' s bothering you right now?

Online dating profiles, art and school

 

Where was your default picture taken ?

In my old bedroom

 

Do you believe in soul mates ?

Yes

 

Do you sleep naked ?

Nope, usually a t-shirt and shorts

 

Do you have regrets?

We all do, but we learn from them

 

Do you remember your dreams?

Sometimes, last night I had a weird one about my ex

 

Do you consider yourself a study freak ?

No but I should be

 

Have you ever been in a talent show?

Never, I have no talent

 

Who were the last people you went out to eat with?

Lacey

 

Last time you ate a home grown tomato?

A couple of weeks ago

 

Are you in a relationship, single, married, or engaged?

In one.

 

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

If I had to, I like to smoke socially

 

Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now?

Yes there is

 

What is the weather like today ?

Lovely, sunny and warm

 

Do you have a best friend?

Yes and she's amazing

 

If someone looked under your bed what would they find?

Absolutely nothing

 

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?

I'd like to say yes

 

Are you a morning person or a night person?

Night, for sure

 

Is there a difference between the word 'best friend' and ' friend' ?

Yes, most definitely!

 

Do you want to go to the United Kingdom?

Yes, I do

 

What's your favorite season?

Summer

 

Last person you rode in the car with UNDER the age of 21?

God, I have no idea.

 

Name someone that made you laugh today ?

Lacey and I were cracking up at lunch

 

What are you doing now?

This survey, talking to John, talking to Jackie and trying to organize my art stuff

 

How late did you stay up last night ?

2:30

 

Do you believe exes can be friends?

Yes

 

What was the last thing someone bought for you?

Not sure.

 

Who took your profile picture?

Me

 

Who was the last person you took a picture with?

Tina, Friday night

 

Was yesterday better than today ?

A little bit

 

Can you live a day without TV?

Yes, definitely. I can go weeks

 

Ever want to get married?

Yes, someday

 

Are you currently in a relationship?

Yes

 

Who was the last person you hugged?

Ashley

 

What plans do you have for tomorrow?

School...

 

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your own bed?

I don't remember

 

How are things between you and your friends?

Good though I wish they'd visit me

 

What is more important, happiness or trust ?

You can't have happiness without trust

 

Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level ?

I'm not a loud-music kinda person

 

Do you hate the last person you were talking to?

No, I love him but things are "off"