If sex is such a big deal in a relationship...

[Seymore]

Then how is it that a couple who refuse to have sex before marriage can do just fine? I keep reading on here about how important sex is in a relationship, but if they can do without, why can't others?

 

I sometimes wonder about the couples who have sex twice a day and say their relationship is great...is that the sex talking or do they seriously have a good relationship? Are they filling in the silences with sex as "something to do", or do they know how to interact properly?

 

So is it REALLY that important? I'd like to hear opinions from both people who have sex and people who are willing to wait it out.

[pinkelephant]

sex is important when you already are intimate on mental, emotional and spiritual levels. anything before that is scratching the itch, in my opinion.

[McLovin oo7]

sex is important when you already are intimate on mental, emotional and spiritual levels. anything before that is scratching the itch, in my opinion.

 

Yup, Different people have different approach about sex. for some its part of love, for some it is just entertainment or fun and many of us, just dont care about it.

 

I guess everyone is right in their own mind / thinking.

[ycmanvs]

I am still figuring that out. I have done both at one point or another in my life and sometimes sex is just a diversion. It is better to get to know someone well before you become intimate with them, but, unfortunately, most people these days do not wait long enough for that to happen.

[Gratsy]

sex is important when you already are intimate on mental, emotional and spiritual levels. anything before that is scratching the itch, in my opinion.

 

well, i agree to an extent. i think that sex is impactful no matter if its done cavalier or not...meaning, even if its casual- especially if its casual, it can do some spiritual/psychological damage. i think that a commitment, along with mental/emotional/spiritual intimacy should take place before sex happens. sex is a way of creating a permanent bond...you might bond in other ways and the relationship is okay...but eventually you'll want to bond physically, to, if you are a couple.

[Roasted Carrots]

I think part of is that the "sex is so important" is a fairly new development. In my grandparents' time, premaritel sex and divorce were scandels. So if you got married and you were sexually compatibal, oh well, tough beans. Nowadays it's more acceptable to have sex before marriage, and to divorce if there are problems.

 

So people who decide to wait to have sex before marriage are seen as "old-fashioned" and even silly sometimes. But I still think it's a beautiful thing to share sex with your one and only spouse on your wedding night.

 

I also think that once you're already had sex, it's hard to wait. If you've already had sex, then you don't see the point in waiting before having sex in your next relationship. Then sex becomes more important. But if you've never had sex, it seems easier to wait because you know you can survive without sex.

 

I realize these are a lot of generalizations, but I think it helps to offer another perspective.

[Seymore]

I agree with the "old-fashioned" thought - if my girlfriend said she wanted to wait until marriage, I'd respect that. I wouldn't get disgruntled and break up with her - rather, I'd just have fun with her, get to know her more, and interact with her more.

 

I wonder how many divorces come about because of sex and how many relationships are built on sex nowadays. It just seems there's so much emphasis put on it that people forget there ARE diapers that need to be changed, floors that need to be swept, etc. - and when these things come up, they turn tail and run, and for some it seems sex is the anaesthetic for those situations. Boyfriend do something you didn't like or makes you angry? Sex will make it go away. He's a jerk, but the sex is great...oh, what to do? A relationship isn't always about the fun stuff.

 

I think the ones who wait have a good idea, there.

[muichini]

the relation ship should never be held together by sex. and it should never be a time killer. I have sex in a relation ship but its once every week/ 2 weeks normally 2. and we only do it if we really get into something, and we take out time and have fun and make it worth the time and wait, kinda like a weird way of respect. we more or less use it as a way to get closer or express love in a way. I think that is the correct way for sex, not really sure.

[Gingerstar]

I was with my husband about a year before we had sex (once we were married) and we had a GREAT relationship without the sex, we really got to know each other without the physical aspect getting in the way. I highly recomend waiting. I have no regrets.

[Pash]

If been on both sides of the fence and here is my theory on why that is.... my first gf i wanted to wait until marriage. We were together for 2 years and overall had a good relationship and I think it was like that because there was a lot of passion. That gave security knowing how much we wanted each other. So even though there was no sex we could focus on our relationship.

 

My second gf was the opposite. We had sex but there was no passion. No desire. So that only hurt the relationship and ultimately killing it.

 

My definition of a successful relationship is best friends with the addition of passion. So with passion the relationship can be fulfilling and sex merely becomes a way of expressing it though it can be expressed in many other ways.

[Tulip 128]

i'm 24(soon to be 25). and i only lost my virginity this past year. i wanted to wait until i was in love. my bf and i knew that we loved each other and said it regularly for months before i finally felt comfortable enough to have sex. everyone is different. i think that is wrong to say that just because a couple has sex more than once a day that sex is just "something to do" or that it is used to fill in silence. i most certainly don't have sex with my bf because it's something to do, and our conversations are never lacking. sex makes you closer in a relationship and not just physically. there is a definite emotional connection that comes along with it. at least when it is shared between two people who are in love with each other.

 

the fact is, sex is important in a relationship. even if you are in a relationship and you are not having it...the not having it, makes it important. lots of people can be in relationships and not have sex. i know many people who do this, but i also can see a lot lacking emotionally in their relationships, not to say that the two things definitely have something to do with each other, but i can't help but think it.

 

anyway, it all comes down to personal choice. and if both parties in a relationship are comfortable with whatever decision is made then i think that things will work out perfectly!

[Seymore]

i think that is wrong to say that just because a couple has sex more than once a day that sex is just "something to do" or that it is used to fill in silence.

 

I never said that. I posed a rhetorical question. I'm sure there are couples that DO use sex simply as something to do, and couples who don't.

[Tulip 128]

I never said that. I posed a rhetorical question. I'm sure there are couples that DO use sex simply as something to do, and couples who don't.

 

okay. so then what do YOU think? what's the answer to your own questions you stated initially? do you think that sex is important in a relationship?

[Seymore]

I think a relationship can function just fine without sex, as couples who abstain have proven, and I think far too much emphasis is put on sex nowadays. We live in an "if it feels good, do it" day and age, and I don't think we're taking into account the consequences of our actions. Sex is becoming a hobby, not an act of love. I believe according to our own instincts, sex is necessary, though.

[ycmanvs]

I am trying to date without sex, to get to know the people first, and it is a difficult process, because when the attraction is there, it takes a lot of discipline to not go there.

[ghost69]

i cannot date someone without sex. is it important? it is to me. is it everything? absolutely not.

[HNIC66]

Different strokes for different folks I say.

 

I am a very sexual person and I could never see myself marrying someone who I did not have sexual compatability with. Sex can be a very spiritual and emotional event if you are in tune with it in that way. But it can also be a distraction and a waste of time. it really depends on the couple and their reasons why or why not to have sex

[sushi_pompom]

I believe sex can be a beautiful expression of the relationship as a whole. I do not feel it should be the main focus but I do believe a relationship needs physical spark to survive. In my current relationship there's a lot of spark but we have both chosen to abstain from sex for a few reasons doesn't feel right yet, we want it to mean something, the sexual tension between us is just so fun....I think as long as there is a strong physical attraction but lack of sex the relationship can be fulfilling. After all kissing for 3 and a half hours can be fun!!

[Tulip 128]

After all kissing for 3 and a half hours can be fun!!

 

it most certainly can!!!

[MD Geist]

If I ever do end up in a relationship I don't want sex. Its just something I feel very uncomfortable with.

[Gratsy]

I'm a virgin. I've never fallen in love. I wanted to sleep with someone once, but he only wanted to use me for my body and it was evident so I didn't sleep with him b/c of that.

[Cardinal]

Sex is important in a monogomous marriage or relationship because it is one of the only things you can't find elsewhere. You are literally dependent on your partner for that kind of gratification, sometimes for decades. Open relationships are not prevalent. Infidelity is however. Something to consider.

 

Marriages without sex beforehand can work for many reasons. One reason has already been stated. The marriage isn't dependent on sex. When that is true and sex doesn't matter much to the two partners involved, it becomes a nonissue. For couples with good problem solving skills, a poor sex life is just another problem to overcome. In other cases it is the level of commitment shared, moral and religious belief and societal pressures not to get divorced. And on the bright side, I am sure you find that a decent percentage of couple are compatible initially and there is likely a good correlation between other factors of the relationship that work well and having a good sex life.

 

And keep in mind, considering sex as very important might only be 20% of the picture when it comes to marriage. But it is an area that has to work for many people lest it be 90% of the problem.

 

Final note that popped into my mind: If you have only had one sex partner in your life, do you really know what you are missing?

[JeckyllNHyde]

Then how is it that a couple who refuse to have sex before marriage can do just fine? I keep reading on here about how important sex is in a relationship, but if they can do without, why can't others?

 

I sometimes wonder about the couples who have sex twice a day and say their relationship is great...is that the sex talking or do they seriously have a good relationship? Are they filling in the silences with sex as "something to do", or do they know how to interact properly?

 

So is it REALLY that important? I'd like to hear opinions from both people who have sex and people who are willing to wait it out.

 

well, we're not waiting it out. but we have kind of put a hold on sex for some time now. we do need to kiss sometimes to feel close, be intimate, etc. kind of to feel each others touch and hugs too!

but sex... hmm we're doing great without it. it;'s only when we don't see each other for long that we seem to bicker a bit more on the phone.

i can say this relationship i am in is good with/without sex BUT we do need it along the line to just be close.. and touch each other.

i definitely think without sex we are going out more, trying new activities and eating out a lot more haha. i mean at restaurants and other places. it's still fun, and we enjoy each others company alot.

i dont know how things would be if we NEVER did anything sexual though. doesn't seem natural to me for a couple in love.

[highonyou]

Well I was an acquaintance with my current bf and he seduced me, it was very romantic. Then we waited a couple of weeks to develop our friendship and love began to blossom so then we progressed onto a more sexual relationship.

 

It was very important to me to develop our friendship first otherwise I would have felt like I was just another fling, so the waiting I felt was essential in he beginning. But now the intimacy is a large part of our relationship, but it isn't everything.

 

As it's summer and we have both moved back to our parents homes it a LD relationship for the next month or so, but everything is good between us. Its probably a good thing being apart as it gives us the opportunity to reinforce our indiviuality and strengthen the friendship aspect to our relationship.

 

So from my experience its 50/50. Waiting is good until your comfortable together then progressing.

[Gratsy]

What does it matter if you're missing something if you're happy? They say that virgins are ten thousand more times pleased with their marriage partners than people who had sexual partners prior to marriage.