If sex is such a big deal in a relationship...

[Jelina]

In my opinion it is better to wait until you are married to have sex.

 

I am waiting till marriage to have sex (my bf and I are both virgins). I have a hard time understanding when people say, "I'm sleeping with him because I know that he is the one I am going to marry in like 3 yrs or so". How do you know what will happen in 3 yrs? And why can't you wait that long? If you know you are going to marry him then why not marry him now and then have sex? Are you prepared to deal with your own feelings when he turns out to not be "the one"?

 

I especially hate when people say, Well I know I am going to marry him so I am going to have sex with him now although we have to work out some things in our relationship before we think of marriage". It's like saying sex isn't as important as the other issues in a relationship. Why bring in sex when you have problems in the relationship already?

 

Don't get me wrong, if you want to sleep with whoever you want before marriage that's ok with me, but I have plenty of friends that were "waiting till marriage" and then decided to do it before getting married and now they feel like if they have to marry that person because they have already instilled in their minds that this is "the one", "this is why I slept with him and even if we do have a lot of issues I'm going to marry him because we've already slept together".

 

It's bad to put sex in a very high pedestal (for those who think they have to marry someone because they've already had sex) but it's also bad to not consider it a part of a relationship (for those who introduce sex in a relationship that already has many problems).

[MattW]

Yanno, I think when people hear about how "sex" is important in relationships, they right away think of the actual act of sex. The way I see it, it's not actually sex that's important for the relationship, but just general affection; hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding hands, etc., that kind of thing. I think, depending on the people (I'll come back to this in a minute, with an example I, personally, witnessed), that affection is important in a relationship; it's not just about the sex, it's about the smaller things, too. That's why couples can go without sex, because other forms of affection don't really count as sex, generally speaking.

 

As for the example I promised; I have an aunt, who's about in her 40s, I think. About ten years ago, she married a rich guy that was more than twice her age. I think it's pretty obvious she only cared about the money... Anyway, he was actually a pretty nice guy, but her? From all that I had seen of their interactions, she was always really controlling (she even acted more like a mother than a wife, to him), didn't seem to want to be very involved in his life, and I can't remember ever seeing her be affectionate to the guy. He always seemed to try and get her to loosen up, but she could just never unclench and let the stick fall out of her ass. They ended up getting divorced about a year or two ago, but no one really knows why, or what happened. But, I recently came to find out that she's secretly dating her ex-husband's cousin who also just happens to be an old rich guy, too. Coincidence? @_@

[JeckyllNHyde]

Yanno, I think when people hear about how "sex" is important in relationships, they right away think of the actual act of sex. The way I see it, it's not actually sex that's important for the relationship, but just general affection; hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding hands, etc., that kind of thing. I think, depending on the people (I'll come back to this in a minute, with an example I, personally, witnessed), that affection is important in a relationship; it's not just about the sex, it's about the smaller things, too. That's why couples can go without sex, because other forms of affection don't really count as sex, generally speaking.

I totally agree with this.. well put.

well in my opinion anways...

 

for me sometimes the cudling and hugging makes me feel closer then actual sex. is this weird? well unless it's really slow romantic sex.

passionate sex is great too, but it's more animalistic and satisfying each other.

but sometimes a tight hug, or a kiss and other forms of affection make me feel all warm and mushy..

[Cardinal]

What does it matter if you're missing something if you're happy? They say that virgins are ten thousand more times pleased with their marriage partners than people who had sexual partners prior to marriage.

 

Right, if you are happy with your sex life it may not matter. When I look back on a persons life long after they are gone, I always find a degree of solace when I know theirs was a happy existence. I like to think I could be happy under most any circumstance life deals me, even if I had a very tough life without a partner at all.

 

If I have the freedom of choice however, I might as well choose what I think is an optimal partner. And I don't feel confident determining the sexual part of that without actually sleeping with them. As an entirely different idea, having multiple partners throughout ones life alone is worth considering in many cases. You only have one life to gain whatever experiences you want to out of it. Ceteris paribus, I can be happy making $ 30,000 a year and I can be happy sitting on about 2 million in the bank that I worked hard for. I think I'll go ahead and aim for the latter.

 

In the end, life for me has a lot to do with the choices I make and the goals I set. That tends to determine how happy I end up. There is no right or wrong way to approach the sex before marriage issue. Just choices.

[anyastar]

Sex is obviously important to every person who's posted in this thread, and to most of the people in the examples given.

 

If it's not important, then it shouldn't be "beautiful" or "special" to wait. If it's not important, then it doesn't matter whether one waits or not. If it's not important, then having too much of it or focusing on it can't kill a relationship. If it's not important, then it doesn't matter whether it's done casually or with a loved individual.

 

Oh, and by the way: sex was still important in our grandparents' day, just in a different way. After all, if it wasn't, why was it such a scandal to have premarital sex? And why was it still acceptable for a man to seek to control his wife's sexuality? The reason it didn't matter whether the couple was sexually compatible is because it was still proper for a woman to submit to her husband's sexual demands, whether she wanted to do the deed or not. Also keep in mind that, less than a hundred years ago, it was perfectly acceptable (and even EXPECTED) for married men to go to brothels; it was thought that if men didn't get sexual relief often enough, they would actually become physically ill!

 

Sex is important because we make it important. A lot of the "psychological" problems people have from having too much sex or having sex too soon and what-have-you are actually almost completely social. There are still cultures today where promiscuity is the norm and where sex is truly taken with a grain of salt, and oddly enough, they don't have the same issues that we have. And, remember, the most common form of marriage in the world today continues to be polygamy, which by its very nature involves long-term sexual relations with multiple partners.

 

The only real consequences of unsafe sexual activity are pregnancy and infection. Everything else we've managed to create. Now, don't misread me; I'm not trying to say that it's wrong for someone to wait, or that it's wrong for someone to be monogamous. I'm only making the point that we've attached meanings to our sexuality that only exist in the abstract, and that only have consequences because we've decided that they should.

[NametheGame]

I found Anyastar's post be very insightful, and something everyone should keep in the back of their minds. The fact that the meaning sex has is mostly psychological.

 

IMHO, I think it is important to wait until you can trust the person, and you know for sure you are respected. And that you are doing it because you want to, for mutual pleasure. Everything that you need to ensure physical and emotional safety. After that, have fun!

[Day_Walker]

Sex will have varying degrees of importance depending upon the parties involved. So it is important to realize that while you may not view sex as important others dont have the same perspective. Unless the sex is the only basis for the relationship then there isnt a real relationship present other than the sex.

[JadedStar]

Then how is it that a couple who refuse to have sex before marriage can do just fine? I keep reading on here about how important sex is in a relationship, but if they can do without, why can't others?

 

I sometimes wonder about the couples who have sex twice a day and say their relationship is great...is that the sex talking or do they seriously have a good relationship? Are they filling in the silences with sex as "something to do", or do they know how to interact properly?

 

So is it REALLY that important? I'd like to hear opinions from both people who have sex and people who are willing to wait it out.

 

 

They can do fine because BOTH parties do not prioritize sex. If one of the members of the relationship DOES want sex badly you can bet the relationship probably isn't going down in happily ever after mode. if both people are very ok wtih waiting for sex then it can go on to great things. But for most adults they are sexually active and want a partner in which to share that part of their intimate lives.

 

Personally i could never have done well with a no sex before marriage clause. It had zero interest to me. I woudln't buy a car without test driving it either. I know that sounds cliche'd but i love sex and a part of determining if someone was a good marriage candidate for me meant that our intimacy department had to be well in sync too and i couldn't know that if we never had any.

[melrich]

So is it REALLY that important? I'd like to hear opinions from both people who have sex and people who are willing to wait it out.

 

And you are talking apples and oranges. There is a big difference in the psyche and dynamic of a couple waiting to have sex and a couple who no longer have sex.

 

It is two completely different things and they do not compare well.

[ZeldaPrinces]

I think its nicer not to have it at all.

Someone said this in a post:

"lots of people can be in relationships and not have sex. i know many people who do this, but i also can see a lot lacking emotionally in their relationships,"

And I think that is absolute bull. People who do not have sex have more emotional connection than those who don't because they spend more time getting to know the person than having sex. Sure its nice to hug and kiss and it can be neccesary but I don't see it neccesary to touch a person's body parts (private body parts) or have sex at all. There is no way it is better to have sex in a relationship. Its sad that a man can not fall in love with a woman if she does not please him in the bedroom.