amber81 Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 My boyfriend was seduced (abused) when he was a teenager by a male adult. He was brainwashed, he acted like he was his friend and convinced my bfriend to have sex with him.... he told me this, cause he trusts me so much, and this was hurting him, he feels he was abused, he was deceived, brainwashed...etc.... he feels disgusted by the experience.... i feel so bad for him, but i still dont understand how can something like this happen, without being gay?? does this mean he is gay? he says he is not... but with so many gays, i just dont want him to be one more in the closet... living in denial!!! I dont know what to do to trust him again... i feel deceived too.... i feel bad... I dont wanna feel this way, i wanna trust him again... i dont wanna be having doubts about his sex orientation..... he is a very sensitive guy, but other than that, he doesnt look gay at all, and we have great sex.... please... your comments are welcome I need orientation.... i need help... Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 I don't know how you can feel betrayal over this. He had a terrible thing happen to him, and as abuse victim myself, its rather disturbing that you would blame him for that and feel he is untrustworthy. He was sexually abused, the man that did that to him took advantage of him and manipulated him into sex. Your BF does not have to be gay for that to have happened. He is a victim. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 I agree. I doubt your bf is gay. Now is not the time to feel betrayed. Now is the time to support your bf and let him know that you are there for him in any way he needs. Link to comment
Gingerstar Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 well was he molested? or brainwashed and talked into it? there is a big difference. Link to comment
Jadeyy..x Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 He isnt gay, that is sexual abuse and the guy that did it probably did it to other people aswell. Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 You think he's gay because he was talked into one same-sex experience as a teen by a predatory older male? Are you serious? Link to comment
civilservant Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 You think he's gay because he was talked into one same-sex experience as a teen by a predatory older male? Are you serious? My first QFT (Quoted for truth) on this forum. It seems you're the one that has the issues with this, he's a victim and probably still has nightmares about this. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 You think he's gay because he was talked into one same-sex experience as a teen by a predatory older male? Are you serious? IAWTC. You can't turn someone gay. An experience of abuse is a terrible terrible thing. Why do you feel decieved about it? Frankly, that he shared this with you indicates a LOT of trust. Link to comment
lukeb Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 The fact he doesn't look or acts "gay" ofcourse doesnt mean anything. I guess it was abuse simply because of the age difference. Having a "gay" experience(s) doesn't make you gay. Being gay is a state of being not a state of doing. If he is straight, then this experience however unfortunate doesnt do anything to change that. The fact that he finds this experience so disgusting is a little worrisome. If you're having great sex, he is likely straight enough at the very least to make the relationship work. If it works on other levels (emotionally, mentally), I wouldnt worry about it too much. If you turn this into a huge issue and you cant seem to let it go, that in itself will become an issue. Link to comment
crosstownTraffic Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Lukeb.. I cannot understand the 1st sentence of this statement, "The fact that he finds this experience so disgusting is a little worrisome. If you're having great sex, he is likely straight enough at the very least to make the relationship work. If it works on other levels (emotionally, mentally), I wouldnt worry about it too much. If you turn this into a huge issue and you cant seem to let it go, that in itself will become an issue. Why wouldn't he consider it disgusting if he was str8??? I find that very telling, telling in the avenue that I highly doubt he's gay..... and he thought enough of you to confide in you about this. For the love of god, please don't make him feel guilty about this. He was molested. Why would someone who's been molested be made to feel they betrayed their SO by tellign them of that awful experience? Link to comment
lukeb Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Oh I read it differently, if he was so disgusted by it why was he talked into it? Seems to me he is possibly interested in gay sex but on the other hand he is also very homophobic. He seems to be straight enough to be able to have relationships with women. Having said that, it is unfortunate that his experience as a teenager was with an older man and not a guy his age, and it is good that there are laws to protect teenagers against these things. Link to comment
unabashed Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 I've known a few boys who were molested and it does NOT make them gay. I've also known many gay guys who were never molested. It truly does depend on his age when it happened.... If he was 13-15 he was "molested," if he was 16-18, then he was seduced. The power differential between the adult and teen--based on age, experience, and the role of the adult in the chld's life, can play into the teen's decision to go along with a situation, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they agreed or that it was what they wanted. In fact, these conflicting feelings are what makes it hard for someone who was abused to move into healthy adult relationships. I'd say your boyfriend needs support and love, not judgment or fear. Also--having a positive same-sex experience as a teenager is very common and does not make someone gay or even bi. Developmentally, there is a time of exploration which is completely normal. Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 The fact that he finds this experience so disgusting is a little worrisome. He finds it disgusting because he feels it was abuse, not an experimental same sex encounter. Link to comment
lukeb Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 He finds it disgusting because he feels it was abuse, not an experimental same sex encounter. It is unlikely for a guy to consider an encounter like that abuse unless there is something else at play here. It would seem that he regrets going along with it, I just think that would be unlikely if he was comfortable in his sexuality. Would he have been disgusted if he had this encounter with a much older woman, and she had pressured him into having sex? Guys generally dont want to play the victum, unless they are trying to rationalize something. "I am not gay, I was abused!" If he knew he wasnt, I dont think he would feel the need to try to prove that. There is a line somewhere, and age is the only way to get that that line. The truth ofcourse is that nothing magical happens when you turn 18, but it is the only guide we can use. Being an early teen, or a late teen, being mature for your age or not, all make a difference. Link to comment
chasey Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 He was sexually abused by another man. Thinking is he gay because of this is kinda like saying a girl that gets raped is automatically a s***. He has shown alot of trust in confiding in you and probably needs someone to be there for him. Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 I was raped and abused, did I really want it? Link to comment
chasey Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 I was raped and abused, did I really want it? I was too, years before getting together with my current SO. I couldn't imagine him feeling deceived or loosing trust in me because of what happened so many years ago that I had no control over Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 I was too, years before getting together with my current SO. I couldn't imagine him feeling deceived or loosing trust in me because of what happened so many years ago that I had no control over If my BF felt that way, he'd not have been my BF for long. Link to comment
chasey Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 If my BF felt that way, he'd not have been my BF for long. I agree 110%!! Link to comment
lukeb Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 I was raped and abused, did I really want it? I really can't comment on your situation on way or another. I have no idea. What does happen sometimes is that a woman will claim she was raped simply becasue the night before she was drunk or whatever and regrets the incident the morning after. It is up to the justice system to find out what happened. The whole innocent until proven guilty kind of thing. I would never automatically asume the woman who claimed she was raped is a {edit}. Link to comment
lukeb Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 It sounds like what happened with the bf that it was more something he regrets that he agreed to have sex with this guy. He tries to justify to himself and rationalize to himself why this happened. It is possible I am wrong but it is unusual for a guy to see himself as a victum in an sexual encounter he agreed to, even though he was a minor and the guy he had sex with was an adult. Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 It sounds like what happened with the bf that it was more something he regrets that he agreed to have sex with this guy. He tries to justify to himself and rationalize to himself why this happened. It is possible I am wrong but it is unusual for a guy to see himself as a victum in an sexual encounter he agreed to, even though he was a minor and the guy he had sex with was an adult. It sounds to me like you just want to believe he's gay at heart, despite the fact that all of the evidence points to the contrary. Believe it or not, there are those of us who have experimented, sometimes even thoroughly, and found that it wasn't our cup of tea. Link to comment
lukeb Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 The only thing that leads me to believe that he is gay is his reaction to the whole affair. If he treated it like it is no big deal like it was experimenting as a teen, sure I would probably not think much of it. It is just his overreaction, and his unusual behavior for a guy that leads me to suspect. In the end it is possible that he is not gay at all. Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 I really can't comment on your situation on way or another. I have no idea. What does happen sometimes is that a woman will claim she was raped simply becasue the night before she was drunk or whatever and regrets the incident the morning after. It is up to the justice system to find out what happened. The whole innocent until proven guilty kind of thing. I would never automatically asume the woman who claimed she was raped is a {edit}. So by bring that up are you implying that I was drunk? Or that I regretted it? I can tell you that you are very wrong on both fronts. Why do you feel the need to not believe in forced intercourse? Link to comment
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