Why am I unlovable ?

[WoundedHeart]

Love is always out of my reach . I try and try but it just doesn't happen for me .What is so unlovable about me ? I am a good person , a kind person ,but for some reason I always end up with the men who only want me for their sexual play toy or only see me as their " friend " .Don't get me wrong , I love sex but that is not all I am looking for ,but I do rank it within the top 3 things that I am looking for .

I have enough freaking friends , I want someone to love me and someone who will LET me love them . I always seem to attract the emotionally unavailable men . I know how the saying goes ,you only get back what you put out, but I am far from emotionally unavailable . I am so ready to give my heart and love someone ,but no one seems to want to love me back . I am a sweet funny ,very caring person who is a bit of a nuturer . I only feel alive when I am taking care of someone else and I am feeling very empty right now . What ever happened to the men who liked the old fashion relationships , the one where the woman takes care of her man ? I like doing things for the man in my life , like fixing his plate , fixing his favorite foods , and doing other kind things for him . I don't want to "mother " a man but just take care of him and pamper him a a bit and hopefully get the same back in return . Rub his back after a hard days work and have him do the same for me . Any relationship I start just never seems to get that far .

Is there something within me that scares them off ? Why am I good enough to be a friend ,a * * * * buddy , but not good enough to love ? Am I unworthy or undeserving of love ? All I want is someone who is looking for the same thing as me , someone to spend time with and someone to love . Am I asking for too much ? I am not looking to ever marry again ,but I am looking for a committed monogamous relationship ,and maybe once my kids are grown ,a live in relationship.

I am not the clingy type , because I am a bit independent . I don't expect or even want someone to spend 24/7 with me, because I feel everyone should have their freedom . I am a funny ,caring person ,who lives a very simple quiet life .

I am not a money hungry woman because as I said before I am quite independent and pay my own bills . I don't have high expectations for a man . This last time around I put absolutely no expectations on him , I have gone with the flow . I never complained about the lack or time he had available for me and even encouraged him to spend time with his friends . I waited for him to call me and rarely called him, because I didn't want to come accross as a pest . I was cool with spending time with him when he was able and always kept my time kind of free in case he could make time for me . IN the past I was told I was clingy ,and this last time around ,with the help of my therapist, I was the total opposite ,but once again I am still sitting here alone.

I decided my only expectation would be a kind FAITHFUL man, who is NOT married{ I always seem to discover they are married after the fact } who is good to me and wants to spend time with me ,but even that seems to be too much to ask . I am not concerned about employment , if they have kids , money , or any other material things , I am just looking for a good man who is ready to love me . I don't care about looks , if they have all their teeth ect ..because loving someone is about so much more than that .

Maybe I am just destined to be alone . Who knows ! That the only conclusion I am coming too .

[Balbina]

Corny but, love happens when you least expect it?

 

If you find yourself in the same sort of relationship ruts then you're obviously doing something wrong, or your behaviour is inconsistent with your desires and leads to the inevitable issues you have.

 

Raise your standards. Don't settle for **** buddies, don't allow for yourself to be so easily persuaded. While it works for some people, if you're looking for more you'll never find it if you give yourself for less.

 

You just need to figure out what you want - and how to get it.

[perceval]

Dear WoundedHeart,

 

for one, I believe that it takes time to find the right person. Judging from the way you describe yourself you seem to be quite an adorable person who deserves better than being someone's ****buddy. Although people nowadays take an interest in convincing us otherwise, there are still lots of us more traditional folks who demand nothing more and nothing less than being happy with the partner we plan to spend the rest of our lives with. Nevertheless, and I think that this is the crux here, many people yearn for a bit of mystery in their (future) partners: If you present yourself as an open book, telling your man that you would always be faithful and caring, he will probably soon lose his sense of allurement for you. From my experience, relationships are all about tensions; you need to rekindle the fire every once and again and catch him off guard (in a positive sense). That is to say, don't be such an open book to a man, even - and particularly - if you love him.

 

And, as a final remark: You should not tie your destiny to one person; you should rather try to be self-sufficient to a certain extent and to live happily on your own; only if you develop the skill of living independently will you be able to avoid the impression of being "clingy" in a relationship.

 

 

All the best to you...

[evice]

Women like you are extremely rare! Perhaps, these men think you're 'acting' in order to 'get them' and once that happens you'll turn into so many women that they've known before.

 

I don't know. This is my bf's opinion. I made him read your thread. But oddly enough, he may have a point there.

[WoundedHeart]

Women like you are extremely rare! Perhaps, these men think you're 'acting' in order to 'get them' and once that happens you'll turn into so many women that they've known before.

 

I don't know. This is my bf's opinion. I made him read your thread. But oddly enough, he may have a point there.

I am not acting at all , I am the real deal .I strive on being different, because I am not like most women . MY last boyfriend described me as unique . Perhaps I am a little too open ,and "too" available ,but I am just being honest . I am not good at the games women play to get a man and I am one who likes to know where I stand within a relationship .

[Aschleigh]

see this

[BeStrongBeHappy]

It is really true that you have to kiss a lot of toads to get a prince. Everyone feels the way you feel UNTIL they find their long term partner. You just haven't found him yet.

 

The trick is to sit down and figure out exactly what you need from a guy, and anyone who isn't that guy you weed out early and don't look back. You've got to be out there meeting a lot of new guys to weed thru the toads.

 

And don't think the answer isn't asking anything of them... that will attract a lot of lazy losers and people with problems. Perhaps your desire to nuture is leading you to tolerate needy guys with problems when you shouldn't be taking care of them.

 

The key to finding someone is getting out there and meeting a lot of guys, and look at it like you are interviewing them for a job. You don't have to get serious with every one, and if any one of them shows signs of not being the right guy, negotiate with him, and if that doesn't work, then move on.

[WoundedHeart]

see this

 

I love myself just fine ,now I want someone else to love, and someone to love me. I am basically happy with my life , just tired of going it alone .

[Aschleigh]

From my perspective, happy people don't ask why am I unlovable?

 

Attracting emotionally unavailable men is a sign of emotionally unavailability in you likely.

[Aschleigh]

Something I wrote about love, may be helpful

 

 

Love is difficult because it means loving the whole person, warts and all. If we love someone it soon becomes apparent that this person has very troubling aspects. They lie, they aren't sensitive when we need them to be, they can't communicate, they don't work much, they are fake, etc..

Everyone has some flaws. If we love them, we love it all. It's the big picture we love. Love brings forth what is authentic and what is not authentic. Love brings forth all the "not love" parts of a person to the surface. Being loved is scary because all the unloved aspects of self are drawn toward the surface. If we love ourselves we accept it all. If we cannot love ourselves we turn away from these parts of ourselves and they go underground, until the next time they have a chance to surface. If we accept our own imperfections we can accept others too. If we can't deal with our "real" self ( the good, the bad and the ugly) we cannot deal with the "real" selves of others. Love is like a boiling pot , it's hot and uncomfortable because it's hard to tell what will come out next. ( especially if we are repressing a bunch of stuff within ) . Love is authenticity, what is more authentic than loving whatever comes up? Love highlights the yucky parts of being human, so it can be expressed and healed. Love is hard because it means fully dealing with what is, not what we want, not what it "should" be. Dealing with reality is hard. Because it is often not what I want . Everyone I have loved has been difficult to love at several points. Loving myself is difficult because I am not what I want all the time. I keep committing myself to loving everything I am, all the time. And that makes it easier to love the ones I love.

[WoundedHeart]

From my perspective, happy people don't ask why am I unlovable?

 

Attracting emotionally unavailable men is a sign of emotionally unavailability in you likely.

 

I am emotionally available and thats what makes this all the harder to understand . My therapist and I have talked about this at great length and I am totally open and totally available to be in a loving relationship . I have learned from the mistakes in my other relationships and have moved on .

 

I have racked my brain trying to figure out what the problem might be, and yes I will admit I have a little self pity thing going on here ,because I am tired of being alone.

[Aschleigh]

then don't be alone. Gather lots of friends, live with people, go volunteer places that mean something to you, be with your family.

 

You are sending out " I am unlovable" vibes. People respond to that.

You are loveable. Love yourself well until another comes into your life to love you. Being single is great.

Post an add on craigslist and date every guy that responds, you will find a relationship easy if your standards are not high.

Maybe you want a certain kind of relationship , one of quality and those are harder to find.

Do what it takes to reverse the negative vibe you are giving out.

[KAT MOMMY]

You have to stand for something or you will fall for everything.

You have to love yourself first then you will be able to be loved and really enjoy and understand it.