Just an update

[EyesOnThePrize]

Okay, so I haven't been on ENA in quite a while. Quite frankly, for what I needed, ENA had served its purpose, and I'm very grateful for that, and with the discovery that my ex likely suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, I've been spending my time on BPD boards.

 

For those not familiar with my story, my ex and I were together for 9 years, married 7 and in December she decided she wanted a divorce. We were definitely struggling, and I was very frustrated with why nothing I did never seemed to work, and I withdrew from the relationship, which only made things worse (triggered my ex's abandonment fears). We divorced in January, within 3 weeks she was seeing a guy who had been after her for a year and a half, and in April moved to Texas to go to school and to be closer to him. He technically doesn't live with her, but spends a lot of time at her place. About 2 weeks after she moved I stumbled over a reference to BPD in an article and started reading about it. It was like a huge lightbulb being switched on. Virtually everything that had happened in our relationship from the very beginning made sense to me now.

 

I went NC with my ex for almost a month. Since then we've bounced between NC and LC, mostly in LC. We talk every week or two, and in between there are often e-mails or texts. I'm also going to state up front that if you're not in a relationship with someone with BPD, or very close to someone with BPD, then I don't think you can understand the relationship between my ex and me. The rules of normal relationships do not apply. This is the main reason that I have spent much more time on BPD boards and not here. No offense to ENA, it was a life-saver to me when I really needed it.

 

So, where are things with us compared to last time I was here (at least a month ago)? Well, last Friday I saw her for the first time since she moved to Texas. She still looks great, was all made up and smartly dressed. And what got me most about her was her sadness. She's miserable in Texas, the new guy isn't turning out to be the wonderful guy she thought, she's having money troubles, she still isn't sure if she'll have the money she needs for school, she misses her friends, she doesn't like the people there, she feels like she's almost a prisoner in her own house. She misses me, she misses "her" cats (she still thinks of them that way), she misses Las Vegas. It kicked in a lot of my rescuer tendencies, however I've been doing a lot of work on my boundary skills (which used to be non-existent) and listened as a concerned friend, not as someone who was going to fix it all. I mentioned that I was probably going to rent out the other spare bedroom in the house, and twice she asked me if I had a tenant for it yet, which is a pretty big sign that she's almost ready to come back. She was also very complimentary about me and telling me how good I looked, etc. She also was concerned about me. Now, with a person with BPD, this is a big deal, as they generally don't show concern for others.

 

These days she's happy when she talks to me. We really haven't had an argument in about 2 months. She had one moment of intense panic a few weeks ago, and I dealt with the situation. I have learned a lot about how to cope with her BPD and I am painted very white now (BPs see the world in black and white) and I use what I have learned to stay white (although I could still flip at any minute). She was happy when she spent time with one of her best (and one of her only) female friends in LA for a couple of days this week. I'm sure she'll be doing a lot of comparing next week when she gets back to Texas. I think if she doesn't come up with all the money for tuition, she will break down and want to come back. And, all that stuff is out of my control. I can only worry about me and my life, and if/when she does want to come back, we can talk about it then.

 

And what about me? I continue my work on self-improvement. A lot of my work now is on boundaries, and on my codependent tendencies. I'm not where I want to be yet, and I'm a lot closer than I was 3 months ago. I've got my first real date set up for next weekend, a woman who is about 1/2 my age, and I really don't care. We have fun when we talk, we laugh at each other's jokes, we have some common interests, and right now I want some fun in my life. I don't care if we have one date or three or a thousand, its a good thing. I'm also working on lining up other dates. I'm all for going out and meeting people now, I'm just not looking for a serious relationship. And I think I'm where I can get through them without bringing up my ex constantly. It doesn't mean I won't compare, I think that's normal, I just won't obsess.

 

I'm still in therapy, its helpful, and I've done a few phone sessions with Al Turtle, which have been great for me (for those who aren't familiar with Al, there's a link to his blog in my signature, and I found a huge amount of valuable information on his site. You may, too). I read, I join in support groups, I practice. All of this is helping me.

 

How do I feel about my ex? I still love her, that was clear to me when I saw her last Friday. I remembered how good we were when we worked as a team. I certainly haven't forgotten the bad things, and I think we can work together to minimize them, if she's willing. I'd love to be back with her and moving forward, and the ball is in her court with this. I'm not chasing her anymore. She knows I'm interested, and I suspect when she hears that I'm dating, it will kick in her abandonment issues even more and could trigger her return. Again, that's up to her, not me. I'm looking out for #1 these days.

 

Overall, life is pretty good. I miss her, I love her, and the darkness that surrounded me early in the breakup is gone. I see a bright future ahead, with or without her.

 

Oh...one last thing. In our divorce agreement, there is a clause that lets her move back into the house rent-free if she wants. However, if she moves out, that clause expires after 3 months. Those 3 months are up on Tuesday....I am counting the days. I love my ex, and I'm not ready to have her living under the same roof as me yet. I assure you I didn't feel that way four or five months ago.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Wow, it looks like you are making a lot of progress. I know someone who I suspect has Borderline Personality Disorder and it isn't easy. You can go from being the greatest things since sliced bread one day to the most disappointing person on the face of the earth the next day. There always seems to be some kind of drama that gets kicked up, especially when someone else is experiencing a crisis. It is just not easy to deal with...there could be long periods of calm in which you forget that the person has these personality issues, and then suddenly wham, they pull the rug right out from under you. It is good that you are getting yourself in a healthier place and are better able to set boundaries.

[DN]

Assuming she did want to get back together - how would you cope with her BPD if she can flip you from 'white to 'black' just like that. Don't you think you would be constantly in a state of nerves wondering if something you said or did would trigger another flip?

 

Diagnosing a problem is not the same as curing or coping with it.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Assuming she did want to get back together - how would you cope with her BPD if she can flip you from 'white to 'black' just like that. Don't you think you would be constantly in a state of nerves wondering if something you said or did would trigger another flip?

 

Diagnosing a problem is not the same as curing or coping with it.

 

DN - One of the reasons I'm not in any rush to get back into anything serious with her is that I'm not certain I'm ready to deal with the BPD on a day to day basis again. I've learned some very good coping skills, and now know much more what's going on and what causing things...that's all good. But me being able to cope doesn't address the underlying problem, and that's part of the serious discussions we'd have to have. I'm not prepared to live out my life trying to manage her disorder. She has to put in the effort, too. If she's not willing to do that, I don't know that we can have any real future past friendship, and even that may not be possible.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Thanks for the update as I've just joined recently. I hope it all goes well with your ex.

 

I do have a question for you. Did you find any information regarding codependency and BPD? I'm unfamiliar with codependency and the only information I found involves alcohol and drugs, which is not what I'm looking for. Thanks in advance if you have anything!

 

I have found a lot of good resources at link removed and link removed. They may have some things about codependency and BPD there, or if not, there are plenty of knowledgeable people on the message boards, and I think its likely that one of them could point you in a good direction.