deang Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 We had a very intense yet short relationship...we were together for 2 1/2 months but seemed like we'd been together much longer (I know that's a sign of a rebound). I thought I might be since she'd only been going through an off and on relationship before we met but she denied it and I believed her. Now that I see all the signs that it was a rebound and she admitted she still wasn't over her ex, it doesn't make it feel any better. Sure, it's a blow to the ego that she wasn't always thinking of me but I still have a hard time letting go even though her love for me was an illusion. I haven't felt this way about anyone ever...I've always taken things slow as far as commitment but I fell head over heels and she seemed to follow along with me. She dumped me like I was a guy she went on two dates with instead of one she'd spend 72hr straight with. I am totally discarded from her world. She doesn't have any emotion for me at all when I was stupid enough to email her...more like annoyance...no sympathy or apology or anything. With all of this why is it still hard to move on. Basically, I lived a lie and now that I know I should just be able to let go...I don't know what was real and what was all rebound now. She still dominates my thoughts though I am nowhere in hers. She's trying to get over the ex before me still and feels like me or worse but about somebody other than me. She's drinking, partying, dating and avoiding any negative emotions while my negative thoughts dominate me. She doesn't even care that much about me why do I care??!?!? It's driving me crazy...sometimes I feel some peace for a few minutes then I'm right back to missing her or hoping I can get her back. I'd never felt that comfortable with someone and genuinely liked spending a lot of time with her but she's gone...I want the feeling gone!! I still hope she comes back....it's been almost 4 weeks since the breakup but I don't know why I want her back. She could care less about me right now and I should be free but instead I feel terrible about still wanting to be with someone who wants to be with someone else. People thought we were great together and thought for sure we were on our way to being married but now I can't even trust whether any of it was real. It's shattered my confidence. If she just broke up with me out of boredom or me being needy,clingy then it might be different. I'd know we still shared an honest, genuine connection but with this I'm confused. I seem to go one direction and think of something and change course. If I knew the connection was real I could be confident that working on myself and getting back into shape might give me another chance and I might slowly get over her but doubts creep into my head whether it was real and it makes me wonder if I'll ever know if anything is real. I know to keep NC now and not talk to her but I just want to be over her now. She's toxic to me right now and I know it...and yet I still want her to come back and tell me it was all a mistake. Sorry had to vent. Link to comment
deang Posted June 24, 2008 Author Share Posted June 24, 2008 Thanks Stuck...I know it's getting better because I'll have a few minutes where I don't think about her which is better than thinking about her every minute of the day. I wish I would've known more about being a rebound at first then I would've been able to at least hold some of my emotions back even if I couldn't resist her entirely. Link to comment
confus3d Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 I have recently went through much of what you described and can't stop thinking about her. What I realize as good as things were at times with her she still wasn't over her previous ex. Throughout most of our relationship I didn't doubt she had feelings for me and thought they would grow over time, and it wasn't till the very end when I thought she was finally over the ex and 100% into me that she ended it with such disrespect towards me that I now question whether I meant anything to her. I was naive. I am sure just as I have, you have learned some important lessons you can take away from this experience. I'm sure you'll meet someone in the future that will return your feelings. Link to comment
civilservant Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 I've recently been in the same situation, although I don't think the ex was actually as much if a factor. Over time she made me feel however that the only reason we happened was because I was 'there' rather than any other bloke. I however managed to fall in love with her. Its now been 7 weeks NC, and I am pleased to say I'm doing alot better. I agree its the best course for you too, and in time you will find someone who willingly gives you everything you deserve. Best of luck! Link to comment
deang Posted June 24, 2008 Author Share Posted June 24, 2008 thanks guys...on one hand it's nice to know I'm not alone...on the other hand I don't wish this upon anyone else. Link to comment
Haven Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 We had a very intense yet short relationship...we were together for 2 1/2 months but seemed like we'd been together much longer (I know that's a sign of a rebound). For future reference, that's not a sign of a rebound. I had a recent intense/short relationship, lasted 3 months, felt like we'd been together for a long time because we were together every day. Neither of us had been in a relationship for at least 2 years. The part about her not being over her ex, that's the sign you're looking for. Focus on thinking of her not as your girlfriend, but as a girl who was using you to fill up the space left by another guy. You don't want to be with someone who sees you as filler material until someone better comes back. Link to comment
deang Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 that is one of the signs of a rebound relationship...it's probably not definitive in and of itself but it is an indicator nonetheless. That combined with timing is a pretty good indicator I would say. "2. Speed and Intensity. Has your new relationship progressed very far, in a relatively short amount of time? Does your partner act as if you've been together a LOT longer than you have actually been? Oftentimes, a person on the rebound will jump into a new relationship, and bring it right up to the same level where the previous relationship was when it ended. " Honestly, I don't think she intentionally used me...she goes with what her emotions tell her at the time and doesn't apply logic to things really. At the time I gave her what she needed and it probably felt like love but in reality it was her need to be in a loving relationship that I satisfied...funny things is she's actually worse off now. My email breaking of NC told me she is basically an emotional train-wreck heavily drinking, partying and possibly looking for her next rebound whereas when I met her she seemed fairly calm and relaxed and didn't go out much at all. Her ex must've pulled a fast one on her. Surprisingly or not, I'm not happy about it...I'd rather her be happy than out being self-destructive. At least I could justify myself as a sacrifice for someone elses gain but she robs me of even that! Link to comment
BrokenDuc Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 sorry to hear about the situation deang hopefully you can take a lesson away from the experience even though technically none of it was your fault IMO. Link to comment
deang Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 Thanks Duc, I've actually learned a tremendous amount from this she has been a true wakeup call and I will be better off but then again I could lose a lot of weight being in solitary confinement in prison but that doesn't make it a good thing ...being with her made me realize that if not her then I want someone who I can hang out with like her...we could just spend hours doing whatever and going and having fun...this time I'll want it to be real though. Also, it's motivated me to get into the shape I want to be and to do things that make me happy...she was the source of my happiness after I had been leading a mediocre life and now it's hard to go back to it. I used to be in great shape and had confidence and a good personality...now I have more maturity and purpose and if I can look like I want to then I think my future prospects will look bright. I'm giving myself 3-4 months to be where I want then hopefully I'm over her and dating wonderful women who want me for me and are just as beautiful in my eyes as she was and who I click with personality wise also. I needed the kick in the pants but would've rather it come in a different way then ripping my heart out. Link to comment
BrokenDuc Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 looks like your eyes have been opened too love sure is blind isnt it Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Wow.. this is EXACTLY to a tee what brought me to this forum, or should I say: this is what got me to start posting. I was a member since some time back but last year in July, I met a guy. I had never felt this way about someone, he had something which "took over me" and made me want to be with him only. He also had an on/off relationship with his ex, I also had been seeing him 2.5 months. Just every single thing you mention is the same. He denied, I believed. I was there to lend an ear when he complained about the "crazy things his ex did" or things she used to do he hated. He told me how great of a catch I was etc etc. Then dumped me like last weeks rotten meatloaf. It was an illusion yet I had the hardest time ever letting go and having my heart process this. I never emailed him though. He broke it off with me on MSN. Just first started ignoring me/not calling, being a bit mean. Then suddenly I flat out asked him because I needed to know what was up. He told me "he was a broken man" and "it's not you, it's really me" and "you're everything I would want in a future gf" and also "I hope you will maybe wait for me". I never emailed in hopes he would contact me. In dec. I planned to email him. (5 months later.) as an excuse to get back in contact with him. I never did. Why? I met a new guy just around that time. This is by far the best relationship EVER!! It's undescribable. Just remember my friend: everything DOES happen for a reason. I don't know but from MY experience: being the rebound washe hardest sh** ever to move on from. for the first time, I took 5 months OFF dating. No kissing, no interest really in guys. Which is very weird for a 21 yr old from what I have seen. Or anyway it was vry strange since I partied usually. I jus couldn't handle it. I didn't want a relationship or anything. Time is what it takes to be honest. Nothing else. Time and someone nice, and trustworthy you can slowly open up to. In my case I dont know what we shared. I thought we shared something real, but thinking back I was wrong, so wrong. But heck.. come to think of it this all happened about 11 months back so I have had alot of time to reflect. I hoped and prayed that guy would come back to me, people on here told me to just move on, it was hard. I couldnt. deep down I longed for that guy who had made me his rebound. Feel free to come here to vent. In the mean time dont stop living. and dont let that girl make you stop moving forward either. "fake it till you make it" like they say. Link to comment
deang Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 thanks for the post Jekyll...yours worked out exactly like I would hope mine does....right now part of me is holding onto contacting her in a few months when I'm happy healthy and confident and part of me is hoping I just meet someone else that I like as much or better before I do that. Thank you for the post Link to comment
deang Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 one thing I forgot to mention is that she left her childhood teddy-bear which she's had forever and usually sleeps with all the time here and won't give me a way to return it...no way am I going to her house and I don't know her address. I even asked for her mom's address and I'd send it there so I still wouldn't know her address. Sometimes I wonder if she's holding me in reserve in the back of her mind or until she finds someone new then she'll be ok to see me and get her stuff hopefully I can get healthy and return it and give her back her little toehold into my world without getting upset or nervous about it. Link to comment
isoc Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 this is exactly what hapend to me! its the worst thing ever and it aint getting easier i swear. What i dont understand is my ex blocked me on facebook yet i keep seeing shes unblocked me probably to be nosey and see what i am doing. yet she is back with her ex. Maybe if she concentrated on the man she was with instead of always looking at what her ex is doing i wouldnt be feeling like this Link to comment
deang Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 stop torturing yourself isoc...I actually stopped checking myspace because I think she checks on me and I was tempted to check her page which the one time I did it set me back about a week in healing. Right now I have a little message telling people to email me if they need to talk otherwise I won't be back for awhile. Instead of waiting to see what she does...you make the move so it doesn't matter what she does...if she wants to contact you she will. I know it's a small thing but it's a little thing to do to get back some control of your life. It's hard not checking those things but you need to stop...it gives you a small relief to see them then you get hit with a huge amount of pain...totally not worth it. Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 thanks for the post Jekyll...yours worked out exactly like I would hope mine does....right now part of me is holding onto contacting her in a few months when I'm happy healthy and confident and part of me is hoping I just meet someone else that I like as much or better before I do that. Thank you for the post you're welcome. I never imagined mine would work out the way it did but it is the ideal situation. i also planned to contact in 5 months like i mentioned lol. I was serious about it and was gonna use the "happy birthday" email to kinda break the ice. you can try it of course, plus in a few months you'll be in a better place like you said. but when the day came i just kinda realised it was silly of me. it was my birthday and i'm about 99.9% sure he didn't even know it was mine 2 weeks before his. Loser. Oh, and also.. I tortured myself wondering if he went back to his ex. He said he wouldnt and told me how toxic she was bla bla. but then a few weeks ago I saw their picture on a networking site. it stung, but he didnt look as good as i imagined either. he looked chubby/bloated maybe even a bit older. it stung that he went back to her when she did all the crazy stuff he told me. but i learned one thing: when they suddenly dump you they either have someone else in mind or the ex. and mostly it's the latter. he also just deleted me and cut ALL contact RIGHT AWAY. that should have been the tip off but i didnt understand till way later. Link to comment
Hope_Springs_Eternal Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 but i learned one thing: when they suddenly dump you they either have someone else in mind or the ex. and mostly it's the latter. he also just deleted me and cut ALL contact RIGHT AWAY. that should have been the tip off but i didnt understand till way later. so true, that happened with my ex, but now, although I havent met a SO, emotionally I've definitely shifted inside and now I wont be contacting him as I had planned after 5 months Link to comment
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