So I have a spare diamond laying around...

[31fan]

I had an idea today... In my safety deposit box I have a diamond ring that I inherited from my grandmother (who has passed). If you read my last thread my boyfriend and I are relatively young but have been together for four years. I would like to marry him within the somewhat near future. I don't know exactly what is holding him back, but I'm afraid he might feel the need to buy me a big flashy ring. Well my diamond is a beautiful 3/4 - 1 ct... I had an idea to maybe make an engagement ring out of it? Does this seem like a strange idea? How would a guy react to this? How do I bring it up?

 

Sigh... the things I think about in my impatience...

[SapphireNoir10]

Ask him how he feels about marriage and discuss it maturely with him, and say, if he ever did propose you'd like if he did it with your ring, because its a family heirloom that means a lot to you. Im sure he wont be put off!

[BetterKarma]

I think it's a great idea. It saves money and has sentimental value.

 

I would just talk to him about it and say you already have a diamond but would like it re-set for you. Both of you have talked about marriage before so this should not be a surprise to him. Talk to him and see how he feels about it.

[Nearwater]

IF you two begin to discuss marriage and seems like what you both want, tell him about the stone and you can get it re-set together or something. Choose the setting together and let him pick it up, and decide when and where he wants to propose.

 

on the other hand, there is the old fashioned element of surprise with popping the question and bustin' out with a ring, so feel him out. It will be great to have your grandma's ring or stone on your finger for the rest of your life...

 

Long and happy life!

[keenan]

I second BlueAfterglow08's post. Lucky you!

[Nearwater]

wow, I wish my posts got that kind of response!

 

Good Sign!

[keenan]

wow, I wish my posts got that kind of response!

 

Good Sign!

 

Diamonds, baby. Sparkle, and the women flock.

[31fan]

Thing is... I was never very close to my grandmother, and the ring does not have much sentimental value to me anyway. Does this make the situation more... I dunno, awkward? I don't know what my mother would think.

[31fan]

Diamonds, baby. Sparkle, and the women flock.

 

Oh yeah, I know how to draw attention haha.

[SapphireNoir10]

Thing is... I was never very close to my grandmother, and the ring does not have much sentimental value to me anyway. Does this make the situation more... I dunno, awkward? I don't know what my mother would think.

 

No. If you love the ring, thats all that matters. Im sure your mother would understand and be glad the diamond wasnt being wasted.

[31fan]

This might sound petty, but I will be honest and say it. I am mainly looking to speed up the engagement process. I don't care about a flashy ring, but maybe this will give him a little incentive. I don't know, just a crazy thought I had today...

[keenan]

If you're really just looking to speed up the engagement, I would nix this idea until and unless you know that the cost of the ring is holding him up. You don't want to speed the process up unnaturally by sweetening the pot, so to speak. In other words, no fair bribing him w/ your grandmother's ring.

 

But if he IS on the verge of proposing and this is something you guys can talk about without feelings being hurt (or him feeling rushed, argh), then go for it. Most guys would be thrilled to learn they don't have to part with a huge sum of cash to keep you around.

[Excalibur]

If you want to proppose to him - get a ring made for him with the diamond in it and get on with it.

[31fan]

Yeah, I definitely don't want him to feel rushed, which is why I hardly ever bring up engagement/marriage. In my other thread I mentioned I would like to get engaged within the next few years, and I got agreement from him - or at least I think I did, because he gets a little uneasy when talking about these things...

 

So I wondered if throwing in this fact about my ring would be a good idea or not.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It sounds like you are trying to subtly drag him to the altar. If he wants to get married he will ask you...hinting around rings etc will not make him want to marry you any faster. Anybody can get married...but the real skill is having a happy marriage and a forever marriage. Trying to coerce and entice him is not the way to have a fulfilling marriage. He is clearly reluctant to talk about it so he is likely not ready yet. Your discussion about the ring might turn him off more than it turns him on.

 

I have my grandmother's engagement ring which I wear all the time...I never had it re-set because to me the ring is not about a Diamond, it is about my grandmother and how much she meant to me. While you may not have been close to your grandmother it might really upset your mother to have this heirloom simply viewed as "any old free diamond to entice my boyfriend to marry me".

 

I also disagree with changing the setting...when you change the setting of an heirloom you are obliterating history and the memory of the person and viewing the diamond as simply an expensive, much sought after stone that you were amazingly lucky to get for free. Despite the expensive jewelry...the experience gets cheapened.

[31fan]

Thanks for your honesty Crazyaboutdogs, I appreciate your view on things. Like I said this was a passing thought and I haven't thought it through. I do know that he really wants to marry me... not now though, but I don't want to get married now either. What I would like is to get married within a few years. I have this small fear that when that time comes that he will find a reason to wait longer... maybe that he hasn't made enough money yet to consider himself "ready". So yes I do kind of view this as an incentive, but at the same time I am not trying to drag him down the aisle. I don't want to get married this second.

 

When I said "I want to speed up the engagement process" I meant that a year or so ago when we talked about this, his idea was to marry me after he became very comfortable in his career, which would be around our 9th year of dating. I told him I would like to settle down sooner than this, and he agreed, but there are no definite plans. I just don't want to wait 5 more years, that's all.

 

I've also considered letting him know that I would be completely OK if he proposed without a ring at all. I don't know how to bring this up without sounding pushy.

[dream83]

What I would suggest is that you just have a talk with him. From the way it sounds, I can't help but think that the ring isn't the final deciding issue in his mind based on what you said about waiting until he's settled in his career, etc. I would say your best bet here is to just have open and honest communication with him and to see if you can reach and expressly agree on a compromise about when, rather than use outside elements to leverage and influence his decision to propose sooner. Be sure to be calm and cool and let him know that you ideally would like to marry within three years and that you're not like "Marry me NOW!"

[Excalibur]

I dont' think he's marrying anybody until he is where he wants to be in his career - and how hard he's working realistically towards where he wnats to be, determines how long the wait is.

 

And if you wait - there's no guarantee that he's going to pick you. Rarely is the person from your past that hasn't grown in parallel to you - who yuo want to be with when choosing a partner for the future that is to come.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If you are not ready to get married now, why is this becoming such a big issue right now? From your last post I gather you are 20 and he is 22...you have been together since you were 16 and he was 18. You are both awfully young and I actually think it is very prudent to wait a few years before tying the knot. This is the time where you should both be free to get your own lives in order..education, career. Many people who marry this young find they have changed so much by the time they hit 30 that they have gone in different directions. If marriage isn't in the cards for a few more years, why this talk about engagement rings and pushing the issue? A lot can happen in a few years, especially at your ages.

[Excalibur]

Some of it appears to be about your time spent exclusively with him and whether it'll ever culminate in marriage...and some of it might be that you're wondering what people are going to say or are thinking.

 

That's two separate things.

 

Ask yourself when ou want to have children as a timeline, what you want to accomplish, do, pursue, and acquire as an individual prior to marriage. You need to do and have all the things as a single person you want to do and have...so that you're ready at the timeframe you have for marriage and children - to be ready to make those huge sacrifices and comporomises - which is what marriage nad parenthood are.

 

As for what people are saying or thinking....engagement is a promise to marry, but if there is no set time of marriage - an awkward moment is had when flashing the ring to say "we're engaged, I'm his property and he's mine" when people ask "when is the date" - and you stall out and go "um, well, gulp, we're giong to a wait a couple of years".

 

Why mkae a promise to keep in a couple of years......the marriage obligations aren't in applicable until the wedding ceremony. So the promise to make promises is rather childish and immature. It's like wanting a written warranty from a company in bankruptcy on a product you bought. Yeah, you got the paper - but nobody to enforce it so what good did it do you.

 

You're exhibiting some of the classic "female" symptoms....men marry when the time is right for them in light of what they want to have do, accomplish, and pursue in thier lives as individuals. Men know that commitment is compromise and sacrifice..which is why they don't rush at it.

 

Women tend to think they can't dvelop any passionate interests, goals, pursuits, or involvements until marriage - so that they don't do anything that jeopardizes marriage to "whoever".

 

So you're needing marriage to move forward into figure out what pushes your buttons and flips your switches in life - while he's out there figuring out what lights up his bulbs and toggles his switches right now........

 

I hate to put it this way but "act like a man" - go out and create interests, get a lifestyle going, make commitments to goals and your future and yourself...fulfill those obligations, live up to your potential - and if he's the man for you and youo're the woman for him - he'll ask you when he's ready and you own't have sat around wondering when he'll be ready - you'll then have to decide if you're readying to scale back your independent lifestyle to accommodate marriage to him.

[31fan]

I'm feeling a little uneasy that there are aren't any solid plans for our future at the moment. I'm not the type who is comfortable with "oh maybe in 3 to 5 years or so this or that will happen, we'll see" etc. And really I'm just trying to find a way to bring up this subject without making him feel uncomfortable (or myself for that matter). Sounds like this idea won't really cut it.

 

We've grown together over the past 4 years and have been through so much. I moved hundreds of miles from home to be closer to him. We're extremely committed and both very mature for our ages. And yet there are no talks of when the next step will be taken, like getting a place together, getting engaged, etc. I don't want to be the stereotypical nagging girlfriend but I'm at a loss at how to broach the topic serisouly and get things moving forward. I don't know, maybe I am too impatient and should just keep quiet for the next few years and hope something happens.

[dream83]

If you are 20 and 22, I know you don't want to hear this, but that really is too young to be trying to speed up the process. You two are just beginning your adult lives and have some much stuff to get in order for yourselves as individuals. That's not to say that you won't get married, but I wouldn't push it, especially if he gets nervous when you bring it up.

[31fan]

Thanks Excalibur. To clarify, yes I have thought very much about my personal goals and the direction I want my life to go, including when I want to have kids etc. It is how I decided that I would like to be married around 3 years from now. It feels like the right time. I would love for him to tell when he feels is the right time but he won't open up that easily.

 

Also I'm not one of those girls who thinks an engagement is the be-all-end-all. Most likely we would elope shortly afterwards or get married in a little ceremony with just our folks.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think you should tell him how you feel... that you want to get married in 3 years and see what he says...

 

Lots of people now don't get married until their late 20s or early 30s, and he may feel if you rush to marry, then you will rush him to have kids early too and he is not ready for that idea.

 

So you need to have a discussion about the whole business... when you'd like to get married, have kids, whether you stay at home or work etc. A free ring won't change his mind if he wants to wait a long time before starting a family, and it is better for you to know so that you can pace yourself.

 

If it is right, you will be together and marry. If it is not right, it is better you break it off rather than rush into an early marriage that fails.

 

In other words, chill a bit and recognize that you are only 20, and you have your whole life to be married and have kids. Enjoy your single times together, when you are carefree and not tied down.

[Excalibur]

If ou'd read what you just wrote - you're basically stating that engagement in your view is almost immediately followed by a low-key ceremony of marriage. I'm sure he's well aware that the second it's out of his mouth "let's get married" - you'll be pushing for a jaunt to Vegas. You just said that, without saying it......

 

If you'd like to be married 3 years from now because that suits your timeline, realize that his timeline has nothing to do with your timeline. Indecision is a decision - it's a decision not to decide.

 

it's easy enough to figure out if someone is stalling against something that might at some point benefeit them - if nothing more interesting or exciting comes along. Ask without interrogation.

 

Just as you know that 3 years from now you want marriage - there's a reason that 3 years works for your timeline - you want to be a paraent by a certain time, you want to be working on a jjoint retirement by a certain age, tehre are concrete elements in life that you want to be on the path of - and you can name the if you're willing to (not here - but to yourself) as to why "3 years sounds so right".

 

Where do you see yourself in 5 years....spiritually, financially, materially, locationally, familially, it's a valid question...to as yourself first so that you can outline your self-goals and self-plans...and know where you are in those paths.

 

An d to ask him...drifters who are going with the flow, having no real accomplishments to achieve, just want whatever is fun, easy, exciting to emerge and indulge in - those questions are offputting and they put them on the defensive.

 

to a person with goals, with plans, with self-requirement - the ability to expound at a deeper level about themselves and thier dreams is an opportunity - not an interrogation.

 

It's very possible he has no clue as to when it'll be the 'right time' for him to marry - hemight be able to tell you what he'd like to accomplish career wise, financially, etc. within timelines and his paths to accomplishmetn and where he is on them, but with no real intertwining in this paths and plans for couplehood and parenthood - in which case -y ou know RIGHT NOW that you spending the next 3 years when you should be meeting peoplke, to evaluate their potential for couplehood by shared definition and standards is you betraying you - not him leadin gyou on.

 

You can't reach a destination you haven't decided is a destination.

 

This is not a question of "do you want to marry ME"...this is a question of where does marriage fit in your lifeplan.

 

It's also realistic to acknowledge that this discussion if not done objectively, intelligenltly and responsibly is going to result in the relationship stalling out or coming to an uncomfortable plateau. He's got to be very aware, as do you becuase this is one that when the answers you hear are NOT what youwant, your true colors and intentions will come flying thru.......that you're not asking "are you giong to marry ME"....it's got to be you outlining the plan for your life - what responsible paths and actions and decisions you're making to make your dreams come true - and letting him expand on his goals and his horizon destinations......and hearing objectively if marriage to anybody is anything he considers in the first five line items of importance on his life agenda.

 

It might not be.

 

It's imperative you realize what you're stating is here "I want to be someone's wife in 3 years"...not I want to be by HIS side, whatever my status - in 3 years. If the latter were the case,you wouldn't be on this board.