Sex on a first date

[Luke Skywalker]

Perhaps the men who are having problems are too busy running after the women who have everyone flocking at their feet and are ignoring the "wallflower" women.

 

I don't know, I suppose each case has to be analyzed on a case by case basis otherwise that's just speculation. I'm just commenting on the fact that I see a proliferation of threads that have the same pity party coming from guys, but I don't see this same threads coming from gals and it's a superficial observation, but it does show a trend. Perhaps if you read those threads and analyze the OP and their development, then you can derive your own conclusions as they occur.

 

As for your argument that men are looked upon badly if they ask for sex so thereforeee they learn seduction...but that is the point....the sleazy men woo the women with seduction and love words, bed the woman, are regarded as heroes to emulate while the woman is looked upon as trampy. There is your double standard. Do you think either sex goes around saying "hey, let's get naked and do it" of course not...it is always done by seduction, inuendo and often the good old alcohol excuse by both parties.

 

But you've proved my point -- a guy, without any game, but that boldly asks a woman for sex is not going to look good and is likely to get rejected and look like some sort of jerk. So, in that sense, I really do not see a double standard, because actually there are lots of guys that do not know nothing about seduction, inuendo, or even alcohol, which is why there is a market that virtually sells advice on all that stuff.

 

For example, if I wanted, God forbid, to have sex with someone on a first date, then I'd be upfront about that in email or phone correspondence before meeting, and have an ad on an adult site that clearly expresses that intent so it's sort of 'registered' in a legal sense. As I'm matter of fact and legal, I don't understand stuff like seduction, mood, emotions, etc... When dealing with conventional dating, I take on a total asexual tone and can not be sexually aggressive since I cant see a connection to make such a communication as there is no understanding of such prior to meeting and would feel that would be grossly out of character. A subconscious thought at best not to be taken seriously, but only expressed on adult profiles once in a blue, blue moon. (I don't believe in pre-maritial sex but may test my boundaries by making such profiles -- last test was over two years ago)

 

However, as people have pointed out on here, they would look down on someone who went on an adult site, or any guy that went with a prostitute (I supposed the finding people in a 'registered' sense for that purpose seems similar to that), or a guy that asked for sex without having any game -- yet people do not seem to have a problem with bad boy, jerky or player types who seem to manipulate women to do whatever they want and view them as studs. So, I think the double-standard is way more complex than that.

 

In terms of the average guy that has no game and wants to have sex on a first date, it's not really likely to go anywhere and there are too many risks.

[Luke Skywalker]

One night stands are not very gratifying, for me at least. A lot of other guys will say otherwise, but a lot of other guys usually are full of crap as well.

 

I would speculate that you could have a 'crappy feeling' arising out of one night stands, or sex on the first date. When I almost had a 'hookup' with someone sometime mid-November 2006 - who was also a virgin that was testing her boundaries, but was a Muslim woman - she said she didn't want to go on with it because she felt that we would both feel crappy afterwards.

[Nixee]

When did we make the leap from "sex on the first date" to "one night stand"? They are not always the same thing, nor do people who may do one also do the other.

 

I for one, admit to having moved quickly in the past... but I have actually never had a one night stand.

 

Different categories.

[Luke Skywalker]

When did we make the leap from "sex on the first date" to "one night stand"? They are not always the same thing, nor do people who may do one also do the other.

 

I for one, admit to having moved quickly in the past... but I have actually never had a one night stand.

 

Different categories.

 

Sure, and some relationships have been formed out of one-night stands, so it's a question of semantics. There is no different expectations out of sex on a first date vs a one night stand, one partner may just dissappear and go to the next conquest in either one (whether the partner is a male or female). Doing something on a first date or a one-night are both like casual sex.

[Carmine]

When did we make the leap from "sex on the first date" to "one night stand"? They are not always the same thing, nor do people who may do one also do the other.

 

I for one, admit to having moved quickly in the past... but I have actually never had a one night stand.

 

Different categories.

 

Yes, my bad, for some reason I read something about one night stands in the thread and thought I'd make that comment. I've never had sex besides one night stands, and like I said, it sucked every time, so I don't plan on doing them anymore. I think I'd go for sex on a first date though, if the situation was right. If there's great chemistry and prior to the first date there was a lot of sexual tension, then I'd do it, and I wouldn't think anything less of the girl.

[Nixee]

Sure, and some relationships have been formed out of one-night stands, so it's a question of semantics. There is no different expectations out of sex on a first date vs a one night stand, one partner may just dissappear and go to the next conquest in either one (whether the partner is a male or female). Doing something on a first date or a one-night are both like casual sex.

 

Completely disagree.

 

I view a 'typical' one-night stand more as a case where you just meet someone THAT night, build up a chemistry and get to know them all in one go and end up in bed together.

 

Sleeping together on the first date... well... that can be different. That can be preceeded by a little time casually knowing each other beforehand, talking, arranging the date, talking on the phone, etc. .... whatever the case may be before you actually meet up and get together. To me it is much less casual, much more intentioned, arranged and less of an accidental thing.

 

Having sex on a first date may be like casual sex ... IF that is all there is to the relationship. If both parties are interested in each other primarily for physical reasons and do not really care to pursue things on a deeper level, then yes, I could agree with that... But that just isn't always the case. Plenty of times it is simply as its name implies, nothing more "sex - on the first date". That is to say... more dates follow, and the relationship progresses from there.

[Nixee]

If there's great chemistry and prior to the first date there was a lot of sexual tension, then I'd do it, and I wouldn't think anything less of the girl.

 

I'm glad to read that.... perhaps there is hope for the old double standard calming down a bit yet haha .... but again... I personally think it is highly situational, and just like you admit yourself.... depends on chemistry and tension.

 

Contrary to some discussion here, in my mind... it isn't simply all about lust or being on the 'prowl'

[Crazyaboutdogs]

When did we make the leap from "sex on the first date" to "one night stand"? They are not always the same thing, nor do people who may do one also do the other.

 

I for one, admit to having moved quickly in the past... but I have actually never had a one night stand.

 

Different categories.

 

Sex on the first date can indeed be a one night stand...in fact, when someone has sex on the first date, they have absolutely no idea if it is going to evolve into a relationship or not...some people have lucked out and it did evolve into a relationship and others there was no second time...or sometimes sex on the first date will lead to a few more sex dates and then nothing more...so that is slightly more than a one night stand but nothing much.

 

So yes, sex on the first date is pretty going into the sex as if it is a one night stand...it is a crap shoot whether or not that will actually evolve into a relationship.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Of course it is still casual...if you have known each other for 5 minutes then it is indeed casual..it is splitting hairs to attach more meaning to a roll in the hay with someone you spoke to on the phone for an hour or two to arrange a first date and to chat, then someone you met at a bar for a few hours. How many times do people go on first dates and that's the end of it...regardless of the fact that they spoke 3 times on the phone prior to the date. It is not as if they spent many months getting to know each other by phone and email...a couple of hours on the phone and then a first date and sex is indeed a causual hookup that could end up as simply a one-night stand.

[Batya33]

I have heard MANY stories where men through on line dating sites spend lots of time "talking" to the woman before the first meet so that by the time the first meet rolls around the woman believes she really "knows" him and that thereforeee it's not "like sex on the first date". maybe women do this too, I just haven't heard.

 

I think it's always a big mistake to consider "talking" some sort of status or stage even if you've met in person "well we've been talking for three weeks and he finally asked me out" - I never understood why "talking" was considered a "stage" of a dating relationship before having a first date. I talk to men all the time - we're not dating or planning to date. I do think that often women tell themselves that it is "bonding" and that the first date isn't really a first date for purposes of waiting to have sex.

[livinginsbi]

Maybe 'talking' is a new stage of dating. Let's face it, with the internet being a way of life at this point, it gives opportunity that was not had before.. maybe introducing yet another stage of life altogether. You know, like the before the ease of travel, most people married someone within a very small radius.

 

I know there is much discussion about how someone can lie to you and you can't get a real feed on someone unless you meet that someone in person, but I still contend that people who will lie to you, will do it to your face as easily as in type. It's just the volume of people you CAN meet increases exponentially through the internet and just appears that there are more of them around. I think the numbers are the same, exposure/awareness has increased.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Maybe 'talking' is a new stage of dating. Let's face it, with the internet being a way of life at this point, it gives opportunity that was not had before.. maybe introducing yet another stage of life altogether. You know, like the before the ease of travel, most people married someone within a very small radius.

 

I know there is much discussion about how someone can lie to you and you can't get a real feed on someone unless you meet that someone in person, but I still contend that people who will lie to you, will do it to your face as easily as in type. It's just the volume of people you CAN meet increases exponentially through the internet and just appears that there are more of them around. I think the numbers are the same, exposure/awareness has increased.

 

 

Talking certainly is important in dating...with emails, phones and long distance issues, I think the boy meets girl and goes out to dinner and a movie kind of dating is not always possible on a regular basis...I think time is an important factor in getting to know someone...knowing them and learning about them (be it in person or via the phone and writing if distance is a factor)...talking on the phone to a new person for two hours and texting trivialities during the day prior to the first date does not mean you know the person well..after all, you have only been conversing with them for less than a week. However, if you set up a rapport over a few months and you really start to learn a lot about each other then the first date is with someone you know much much better, because a connection has been built that goes deeper than a few superficial "getting to know you" conversations. Although even in a case like that, sex on the first date would be rather soon.

[ycmanvs]

I have a male acquaintance who is in his 30's. He is a bit of a "player". He is recently divorced and joined a dating site where he "talks" to 20 year old women. Almost every first date he has with these women leads to sex. His % is astounding. What is even more fascinating is that these girls email him nude photos, graphic emails, texts, etc. I know he is not lying because I have met some of these women and I have seen the proof.

Anyway, I think what he is doing is ridiculous and dangerous, even though he is getting tested for STD's every 3 months, etc.

 

What fascinates me though, is the fact that these young women believe everything he tells them right away. He makes them feel very special and treats them well, until he gets bored with them. Occasionally he will meet a woman that is more interesting than the others and he will date her for a couple of months, but eventually he moves on to the next one.

[Nixee]

Maybe 'talking' is a new stage of dating. Let's face it, with the internet being a way of life at this point, it gives opportunity that was not had before.. maybe introducing yet another stage of life altogether. You know, like the before the ease of travel, most people married someone within a very small radius.

 

I know there is much discussion about how someone can lie to you and you can't get a real feed on someone unless you meet that someone in person, but I still contend that people who will lie to you, will do it to your face as easily as in type. It's just the volume of people you CAN meet increases exponentially through the internet and just appears that there are more of them around. I think the numbers are the same, exposure/awareness has increased.

 

I think maybe this gets more to the heart of the matter, truly. In a typical date setting... maybe dinner and a movie or whatever... there isn't nearly as many opportunities to really get to know someone even as much as the lead-up period allows. I mean.... dinner only lasts so long... and you really don't talk during a movie anyways. The actual "date" is just for getting a sense of physical presense, some chatting and chemistry.

 

If you have spent some weeks or even months talking to someone beforehand.... on the phone, via email, whatever... you might have already gotten to know them much better, and who knows what you could have spoken about. There are no rules there. In that sense.... perhaps the phoning and emailing are almost "dates" in and of themselves, which can more easily lead up to something sexual occurring on the first physical date due to a well-established rapport.

 

Although even in a case like that, sex on the first date would be rather soon.

 

And this... well.. I guess it is a matter of opinion still... and sorta what the thread is about. I tend to say not necessarily, but I play by ear. Sometimes too soon, maybe... sometimes no. Personal choice, personal speed.

[livinginsbi]

I met someone online a few months ago. We Im'd each other for several weeks, all day long (intermittently) for 5-6 days a week. When we decided to actually meet ( I drove to him, with my work schedule, it was easier for me to do) I found that we was the same person he was on the internet. I also did some checking on stuff he told me about himself. And yes, we had sex that same night we met in person, but there was already a chemistry and I felt like I knew quite a bit about him, it wasn't like being with a stranger... we continue to talk and have plans to see each other again. Granted, this is just one experience from one person, but if your smart about it, I think it's not such a bad deal.

[Luke Skywalker]

Obviously, by the way this thread is progressing, there does not seem to be any double-standard or stigma for women having sex on the first date.

[Batya33]

Maybe 'talking' is a new stage of dating. Let's face it, with the internet being a way of life at this point, it gives opportunity that was not had before.. maybe introducing yet another stage of life altogether. You know, like the before the ease of travel, most people married someone within a very small radius.

 

I know there is much discussion about how someone can lie to you and you can't get a real feed on someone unless you meet that someone in person, but I still contend that people who will lie to you, will do it to your face as easily as in type. It's just the volume of people you CAN meet increases exponentially through the internet and just appears that there are more of them around. I think the numbers are the same, exposure/awareness has increased.

 

Yes, that all is true but it doesn't make "talking" the same as dating for purposes of getting to know a person. What I do see it do is create unreasonable and unrealistic expectations.

[Batya33]

I met someone online a few months ago. We Im'd each other for several weeks, all day long (intermittently) for 5-6 days a week. When we decided to actually meet ( I drove to him, with my work schedule, it was easier for me to do) I found that we was the same person he was on the internet. I also did some checking on stuff he told me about himself. And yes, we had sex that same night we met in person, but there was already a chemistry and I felt like I knew quite a bit about him, it wasn't like being with a stranger... we continue to talk and have plans to see each other again. Granted, this is just one experience from one person, but if your smart about it, I think it's not such a bad deal.

 

For me it would be a terrible deal because I'd be sleeping with someone I did not know in person - a near stranger in person - no matter what it 'felt" like - so for me the sex - without a commitment, without knowing each other and dating each other in person over a period of months - would feel empty and icky. I also wouldn't want to think of a sexual experience as "not such a bad deal" - that seems a bit sad to me.

 

Having said that it sounds like you are comfortable with casual sex as long as there is chemistry and that you know that what he said about himself is true. That's also good that his online image was consistent in person although my guess is that the chemistry and the sex amplified that or allowed you to overlook certain things. that's not a criticism, that's just typical of having sex in that kind of situation. Have fun!

[Nixee]

For me it would be a terrible deal because I'd be sleeping with someone I did not know in person - a near stranger in person - no matter what it 'felt" like - so for me the sex - without a commitment, without knowing each other and dating each other in person over a period of months - would feel empty and icky. I also wouldn't want to think of a sexual experience as "not such a bad deal" - that seems a bit sad to me.

 

 

Have you been in such a situation though? I dunno.... I can be pretty cynical myself, but I guess I can be a bit romantic at times as well (odd combo? maybe...), and every once in awhile it IS possible to really feel that *spark* with someone.

 

Sure... maybe you don't truly know them like you would after months and months of dating, but that gut feeling can be a powerful thing.

 

I suppose some people require more total and complete intimacy to be achieved beforehand, but for some (myself included)... I guess getting to know each other physically is part of building up the intimacy.

[Batya33]

I've been in that situation more than once. That exact situation. I am very much a romantic -not cynical. But since no matter how much chemistry I feel I wouldn't enjoy having a near-stranger's penis inside of me, and since I have the long term view that if there is potential, what's the rush? - I wouldn't act on those feelings by having intercourse. Not sure how it makes me cynical not to want to risk having intercourse with a near stranger. I do think that women do have sex with strangers to (maybe subconsciously) reinforce their cynical view that "well he's going to leave me anyway so I might as well go with the moment and get some while the getting is good.

[MarBar]

Talking about one's sexual past is rather irrelevant. A lot of people can be fairly ignorant about the truth of STD's and how many of them show no symptoms. If 1 in 4 adults has herpes and 3 in 4 adults has at one point had HPV, you can be pretty much guaranteed that at one time or another, you've been exposed to either of these. So I used to think that having a discussion of someone's past sexual history mattered, but I don't think it matters anymore. I think one should use condoms at all times until both people in a monogamous relationship decide to get tested together. Because people will just say, no I've never had an STD but unless they just got tested the day before for everything, including the ones that don't necessarily show symptoms, there's no reason to even have the discussion.

 

As far as sex on the first date, I too, don't like feeling judged just because I have been impulsive at times and gave in to the mood. Have all of my first dates gone that way? More often, it's been a hug at the end and that's it. There are no hard and fast rules to how things will work between people. Why do guys get to be the deciding factor in whether or not a girl is girlfriend material if they happen to give in and have sex on the first date, but girls have to sit their and analyze their behavior and regret it? It's like, everyone wants to have sex, yet guys are allowed to make decisions as to someone's value based on some arbitrary test they mentally impose on us?

 

Now that I think about it, I've never had sex on the first date unless it was some follow up date to some previous one-night stand, which, surprisingly has happened a few times....and usually I'm (a girl) the one to pull the plug on future dates...so go figure about that.

 

Ugh....I think that people will either be together or not. Some things on first dates can be forgiven anyways, if people don't have ridiculous ideals about how they should be treated by everyone. Some guys don't hold the car door open for their date, while others do. Some insist on picking up the check all of the time, and some don't. There's no way to expect every date in the future to treat you like your favorite ex-boyfriend.

 

There's my 2 cents.

[MarBar]

I agree with your post. I don't understand this fear of getting pregnant and risking it when condoms are totally effective and readily available. Furthermore, I don't like that women are still penalized for having a normal, healthy sex drive. It's like we're still living in the dark ages. Well, we've only been granted the right to vote within the past 100 years, so I guess it will take some time before everyone can evolve to understand sex and relationships.

[Batya33]

I'm not a "go with the flow" person when it comes to sex on the first date, because of the serious emotional and physical consequences to me of acting impulsively based on attraction - just like I don't eat everything and in every amount I want at the moment, I also practice a degree of self restraint when it comes to intimacy. Comparing it to holding open a car door makes little sense - that's a sweet ritual - sex, at least for a woman, risks pregnancy and for both, there's typically a higher risk of STDs and of course for many people, a high risk of emotional attachment/emotional harm when you have sex with a stranger.

 

I wouldn't judge anyone who chooses to have sex when they feel like it on the first date. However if I knew that a guy made a habit of one night stands or casual sexual relationships our values would likely not be compatible for a serious relationship and I would be concerned about the increased risks of STDs. It would depend on the particular situation. I find that very reasonable - and not a "ridiculous ideal" - which of course is judgmental of those of us who choose to value sex differently than those who are comfortable with casual sex. Nothing to do with what an ex boyfriend was like - it has to do with core values about emotional and physical health - over which reasonable people may differ.....

[crosstownTraffic]

Allie, is right, condoms Do fail... however, I think you need to check your facts Batya, when you say that HPV causes no harm to men.. i have read differently on some health site, I think i read that guys can get cancer of the penis and even the anus, in some strains.....

Well, go check it out for yourself.. I was reading how a girl had to get tested for cancerous cells in her cervix in her early 20s! If that was transmitted from HPV, then even using condoms is not really safe, as the HPV can get passed on the area outside the condom, the genital area.

 

that being said, I have to agree with this, "

 

 

 

Agree....

 

what exactly about this act would make a woman less "girlfriend material"?

 

Do you think the fact that you went along with it as well should make you less likely to be "boyfriend material" for her?"

why is it cool for the guy to have sex early on, and he's a good guy, but if the woman does it, instantly she's LOOSE!!

 

That is absurd... and that line of thinking shud of gone out in the 70s really!

What are you guys thinking anyway? Anything else is okay... being bisexual is considered hip by many now (not me, but lots of guys think this is cool), but having sex on a 1st date when the guy himself ALSo wants it makes you into instant NON_gf material.

 

Then what does it make the guy be then???? Just choosier.. That's the most absurd line of thinking I have ever come accross....

Well, if guys wanna think that way, then us women would be smart to adopt that line of thinking.. cuz it is a sure thing guys probably have sex more than us.

 

How would you guys like it if we avoided guys who slept around quickly like the plague??? Cuz we are the ones who are in danger of getting HPV, which IS life-threatening if it goes untreated, and you get cancer from it.

 

Well, the one good thing about waiting is you do get a chance to discuss STDs.. that is something you are going to be reluctant to talk about once you have had sex...i dunno why, but it's stupid....

[boo121]

What do guys think of a girl that has sex on a first date? Would you think of her as being easy?

 

nope, sometimes you meet the right person and it kicks off after the first date