Feeling fat makes me feel unlovable

[KaylaJoy]

I am a fattie. yes, i know that term is politically incorrect, but at 330 lbs, and 5'9", I think I've earned the right. I've been overweight my entire life. In 6th grade, at 12 years old, I weighed in at a whopping 185 lbs. My parents were big. My siblings were big. My grandmother was huge. I come from a long line of hugeness.

This has not necessarily prevented me from being in relationship, but it has seriously damaged how I view myself, how I think other people view me, how I think men view me. And yes, of course I've tried to lose weight, a thousand different ways. I've yo-yo'd my entire life. Last year I got down to 291 lbs, had surgery and have ballooned back up to 330 lbs.

I considered my features of average existence, as far as face, skin, hair go. But I consider myself grotesque as far as my weight goes. And because I consider myself grotesque, I assume everyone else must consider me to be grotesque as well. I blame my weight on every one of my failed relationships in part. In my mind, if I had been skinnier, they would have loved me more, they would have wanted to be with me for something other than what every man wants. I haven't met a man yet who truly loved me for me, entirely for ME, and didn't require intimacy to hold onto him. And eventually they all leave.

My last real true love, the one I have been in love with for years even though we ended things 2 years ago this summer, weighs about 400 lbs. I thought if anyone would understand and give me a chance despite my weight it would be him. But he used me for awhile, then told me he didn't love me like I loved him, and moved on. He was in love with a little barbie doll, who weighs all of about 110 lbs soaking wet. He said he felt like he was her "protector" somehow, even though she passed on him.

So I'm sitting here thinking about all my past relationships...yes, I've dated a few guys who acted like my weight was no big deal. Even had one tell me he didn't want to lose too much weight because he liked me big. But he only wanted me for one thing.

I believe I could have a lot to give, and could love someone so much. But truth is, I don't love myself. I think I look horribly fat, and I am convinced that if a 400 lb man couldn't love me because I was big (he didn't give that as a reason but it surely must be part of it since he admittedly loved the little barbie doll chick and felt like her protector) then who in the world can? I feel like what can I possibly offer to someone if they can't stand to look at me? How can someone think of me, miss me all day, want to talk to me and share their life with me if I'm this fat? In my mind it can't possibly be. In my mind, as fat as I am no one will ever love me.

That's the bottom line I guess....how can any man ever love me and appreciate me for who I am, when I am fat, and if I always struggle with my weight, then I will die alone.

If I am fat, then I am unlovable.

This is what I believe about myself, and I guess I always have believed that about myself, and I don't know how to begin to change that way of thinking.

Most people think the answer is to change my weight, lose weight (would if I could, I struggle with it constantly) but that only lends an air of reasoning to my belief that I am fat, thereforeee I am unlovable, if you tell me the way to be loved is to lose weight. Lose weight, and someone will want you. Lose weight and someone will think you are valuable.

I don't think I'm valuable because I am fat. How can anyone else?

I am crying as I write this, so if anyone responds, please be gentle. My psyche can't take too much tough love right now.

[CatsMeeoow]

So - forget the yo-yo dieting... why not get approval from your doctor about an exercise regimen?

 

I'd love to lose 40pounds... I hate that I haven't... partly because I'll make an effort and then totally slack off... when I was younger all I had to do was wish and the weight was gone! LOL!!!

 

Despite not having lost the weight I love the way I feel after I have exercised... even if all I did was a brisk 3.5mi walk... I feel good.

 

Get out... find a routine that works for you... Exercise increases your serotonin uptake and naturally helps you feel better.

 

Don't think of it as weight to lose - but being active to feel better (the weight comes off more naturally then.)

 

I'm sorry you are feeling down about yourself. I think one of the most difficult challanges we face as that as soon as we decide to do something we want instant results. You need to set realistic goals and realize that weight does not magically fall off. If you just concentrate on being active and reaching a goal you won't focous so much on your weight... think about how good it feels to walk 1 mile a day and then after a week or so you push yourself and are walking 2 mi a day... THAT will make you feel good about yourself!

 

Give yourself a hug everyday!

[15 Storeys High]

This is a deep rooted issue that stems from your childhood and before you can begin to improve your outer appearance you need to fix what's on the inside first. You won't be able to successfully lose any weight without first figuring out your emotions and feelings. Once you can love yourself you'll find it easier to lose any weight because you'll be doing it because you love yourself not because you hate yourself. There's a big difference between the two.

 

I think you need to a) see a therapist/counsellor, b) see your doctor and have a chat about how you feel about yourself and ask what he/she can suggest to help you. And c) See a nutritionist/weight coach that can help you to build a better realationship with yourself.

[Daligal83]

I really agree with 15 Storeys. I was going to suggest the same thing. You can't expect others to love you if you don't love you. You don't need to be a size 2 to be loved. If you feel that you are unhealthy at this size, then start off with some exercise. Definitely start off slow and ease yourself into it. Soon you'll be amazed at what your body and can and it will help you love your body, regardless of it's size, instead of hate it. I don't know if you have the means, but joining a gym and getting a personal trainer might help get you into exercising. It helps give you the motivation if you don't have it on your own.

 

The other piece to it though is the psychological aspect. I really liked what 15 Storeys said about exercising because you love yourself, not because you hate yourself. When you exercise because you hate yourself, you're doing it for the wrong reasons and will become frustrated if the progress isn't fast enough and basically sabotage yourself. But if you exercise because you love yourself, it's not about weight or size. It's about how you feel, the energy that you have, the accomplishments you make and knowing that you are making your body healthy. Not smaller, but healthy.

 

Just as food for thought, do you think that maybe being loved is not so much tied in with your size, but having confidence and self-esteem? Maybe your ex was in love with that other girl because she showed that she was confident. And if your lack of confidence comes from your weight, that could by why you perceive it as the reason why he left, or others left.

 

Hun you deserve to love yourself and be loved. I'm sorry you're feeling so down, but let that be your motivation to do something about this. Give yourself the respect that you deserve and learn to truly love yourself first, worry about men later. We're all here for you!

[KaylaJoy]

you'll be doing it because you love yourself not because you hate yourself. There's a big difference between the two.

 

You are correct Storeys, it is a self esteem issue no doubt. I can remember walking down the halls at school and kids making "oink" or "moo" sounds as I walked by. Guys driving by when I walked down the street and hoot and make fun of me as they walked by. My dad making fun of me. Any weight that I have lost has been because I hate myself and the way I look. Loving myself has never been my motivation.

Therapy has occurred to me, but I can't really afford it, and am a little afraid of the emotional can of worms it may erupt. Not sure I want to dig that deep, but don't want to stay here either.

I appreciate all the suggestions on how to lose weight. That's not really the issue though, and I am aware of this. I could write my own weight loss stories based on the many diets I have done. I know what to do to lose weight, but telling me losing the weight or exercising is the answer only fosters the feeling within me that I must lose weight to be loved, or to even love myself. Again, weight is the common denominator, and for me it just reinforces that if I don't lose weight, I am unlovable, whether it's loving myself or being loved.

I'm emotional today, so I'm not likely to take pointers on how to lose weight very well. I don't want to learn how to lose weight near as badly as I want to learn how to love myself, believe in myself, and how in the world am I supposed to believe that someone can love me just as I am, fat or thin?

Because right now, I don't. It's that simple. And that complicated.

[15 Storeys High]

I think you need to budget so you can afford therapy because that is what is going to help get you to where you need to be. This is something that you can't do on your own otherwise you'd have already done it you know? And maybe you need to open up that can of worms and deal with it and whatever it brings in order to be able to move on and start learning to like yourself, love yourself and love your life. I think that if you don't do that you'll just carry on hating yourself. That's the issue here....over the years you've been conditioned to hate what you look like because of other people and their comments/bullying. Your self perception needs re-conditioning and a therapist can help you do that.

[Supa_gurl]

KJ....

I have struggled with my weight since puberty, I understand where you are coming from. I too, had low self esteem, didn't think anyone could possibly love me. Now I have a husband who loves me beyond anything I could imagine. Though that should be enough, it wasn't for me, I hated the way I looked. I viewed myself in the same way you did.

 

Last month, May 14, 2008. I made the best decision for me. I had the lap band surgery and although I have only lost about 20lbs. I feel incredible. I feel sexy (Im still a fattie) but that 20lbs did ALOT for my self esteem. And I know that more will slowly be coming off.

 

It is true you must love yourself. I found that once I started doing that...I could work on the things I didn't like about my self (ie: my weight). That is why I decided to finally do something about it. I wish you luck, and try not to be so down on yourself. God makes us all unique and loves us no matter what size we are.

[annie24]

hi - i would highly recommend weight watchers. I know that everyone is recommending therapy first, and yes, sign up for therapy too! but i think that weight watchers has a lot of sort of therapy and self-examination as part of the program too - like we have to identify triggers that make us overeat, think about how we feel when we overeat, think of other ways to handle the emotions that come over us, etc.... i've done weight watchers and lost 30 lbs. i hate to say it, but i think people do treat me better now. either due to the smaller size, or due to an increase in confidence. it's hard to tell. just because you come from a long line of big people doesn't mean that you have to spend your entire life overweight. i love weight watchers, it's a great program. it really works.

[annie24]

I know what to do to lose weight, but telling me losing the weight or exercising is the answer only fosters the feeling within me that I must lose weight to be loved, or to even love myself. Again, weight is the common denominator, and for me it just reinforces that if I don't lose weight, I am unlovable, whether it's loving myself or being loved.

 

ah, i just read this. you are worthy of love at EVERY size, absolutely. but i know how you feel, i certainly felt unloveable at my highest weight too. ultimately, i lost the weight for my health. i'm sure your doctor has told you to lose weight, obesity does a lot of damage to your body, your health, prematurely ages you. i finally decided to start losing weight when i started having stomach problems. i looked up my symptoms and it said - 'more often found in overweight people' and i knew it was my time to make a change. in our 20s, we might be completely healthy and overweight, but the body can only carry the weight around for so long.

 

in the end, what's helped me is to look at weight managament not as 'i need to look hot to attract men or to be loved', but to look at it as a way to take care of my body, in the same way that brusing your teeth or flossing are ways that you have to take care of your body.

 

my 2 cents...

[just M.E.]

I chose to bring my weight back to a weight I feel good at (I had gained some at the end of my marriage, and yes, it also was caused by depression and loss of self esteem).

 

This choice of exercise and healthy eating (no diets) was based on caring enough for myself to give myself health and well being. It is a matter of which side you look at this from. I understand the concept of dieting reminding us that we have a weight issue, but eating healthy and losing weight is not about being loved but about loving yourself and caring for this body that you live in.

 

Health and fitness is a rush, it feels great! There is a tremendous amount of "feel good" chemistry that comes from that, so when you think of that part of the weight loss formula, think about loving your body and taking care of it, so you have it around for a very long time

 

And the other posters are right on about Weight Watchers and therapy. This life is a journey and the therapy is an exploration of finding the best you within yourself. We all go through life shooting ourselves in the foot in one way or another, we all need to look at what we want to better ourselves, each in her or his own way.

 

By the way, when I see a heavy person working out or riding a bike or walking, etc., the thoughts that go through my mind are total respect and admiration for that person courage and resolve. I see the healthy person within that bigger person.

 

And maybe, just maybe you will dare to love yourself and show it in how your live, it's easier said than done!

[annie24]

Health and fitness is a rush, it feels great! There is a tremendous amount of "feel good" chemistry that comes from that, so when you think of that part of the weight loss formula, think about loving your body and taking care of it, so you have it around for a very long time :smile:

 

yes, i so agree. i've noticed that i've been less depressed since doing weight watchers and exercising consistently. i don't think i'm less depressed because i'm thin, but rather, exercise releases endorphins and other happy chemicals, and I feel generally happier now as a result. I know other people who tell me they feel depressed if they don't work out for a while.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

It is true that our culture is predjudiced about people who are overweight, and in fact has become almost fat phobic. So anyone telling you otherwise wouldn't be telling the truth, as you well know. It isn't right, but it is the way it is.

 

But fat people are not the only people discriminated against. People of color can be discriminated against, or those with disabilities, or those that are very short, or very tall, or 'ugly' or old by society's standards.

 

Everyone has to learn to play the hand they were dealt, and to change things that they can that stand between themselves and feeling good about themselves.

 

So you have to recognize that 'loveability' or being unlovable is not some inherent trait that you can control, or even spend too much time agonizing over. It is the way it is, that most people are not all loving like Mother Teresa. The poor and downtrodden are not unloveable, but unfortunately there are not enough people with sufficient love in their hearts to love them. We are in a certain kind of world, where there is abundant kindness and acceptance, but it is NOT unfortunately the norm.

 

Recognize that you do have inherent worth, and it isn't about looks. But you will never have control over other people's attitudes and perceptions, and have to accept that they are who they are and make their own choices. So in a society that is fat phobic, large people have trouble finding someone who wants to be with them. But so do ugly people, or people who are disabled or..... you name it. It is not an easy world.

 

So you are dealing with a universal problem, and your particular 'lovability' issue is related to being fat.

 

But you CAN change that if you want, but most likely will have to relearn how you view food, and get treatment for this. Most people who are very overweight have either learned negative eating patterns in their family (which can be unlearned), have a physical problem like thyroid isses (which can be treated) or have learned to be emotional eaters who medicate negative emotions like loneliness, anger, and boredom with food (and can be treated by learning to deal with emotions in ways other than food).

 

So the answer is to accept that yes, it is a harsh world where people judge all kinds of things harshly. But you are responsible for your own happiness so need to decide what you need to be happy, then do what it takes to get happiness for yourself.

 

So feeling bad about lovablity is a red herring. The real issue is not to strive for nebulous quality of 'lovability' but to decide what you need to be happy, and decide what steps you need to get there. If being fat interferes with getting a partner, and you want a partner, then recognize that you will have to do something about being fat. By default, you make a decision EVERY DAY that your need to eat to excess is more important than your need to have a partner. You don't know you're making that decision, but you are.

 

It is true that you have a far larger pool of people to date if you are in the normal weight range than not. So if you really want to increase your chances of finding a partner, then you should strive to do what it takes to increase your chances. That is nothing to feel despair about, but to understand, accept, and decide what is more important, continuing to eat the way you do, or getting a new lifestyle that will encourage weight loss and health and help you find a partner.

 

So never give up because you think you are 'unlovable'... EVERYONE is lovable, but unfortunatley the world is harsh when it comes to judging potential romance and sex partners, so why not recognize that the only person you are hurting is yourself, and quit having debates about lovability with yourself. that just takes you off track and away from making plans to really get yourself what you want and what makes you happy.

 

Please join some support groups like Weight Watchers or Overeaters Anonymous. You will find all kinds of love and support there. The world is not full of Mother Teresa's, but there are lots and lots of kind and empathetic people out there, and people struggling with the same issues you are, who are willing and desirous of helping you and being friends with you in life's hard journey.

 

Here is the most important thing i can tell you: Your *fat* is not loveable (according to most people's standards), but you are inside there, and imminently loveable, we all are! people need to discover the real you, and it becomes hard for people to get past their own stereotypes and societal induced phobias, including fat phobia. So recognize that you are not your fat, you are you, inside that fat, and can choose to buffer yourself from the world within that fat, or lose it and make yourself more accessible to everyone emotionally by being a normal weight. I do heartily wish the world was a kinder place, but certain perceptions exist, and you have to try to recognize that, accept it, and move towards getting yourself the happiness you want and need, including losing weight to do so.

[Daligal83]

Here's another side to it in addition to the other wonderful advice. You said that being big basically runs in your family. I read in another one of your threads that you have a son. So it's possible that your son is predisposed to have that body type as well. How you feel about yourself is easily picked up on by others. Even your son. Think for a second what you are teaching him about self-love (even if he is skinny) and how to treat yourself. You want to set a good example for him. Everyone of all body shapes and sizes needs to eat healthy and exercise, so start there. It's about being healthy as a family. And you want to teach him to love himself no matter what.

[KaylaJoy]

While I deeply appreciate each and every response I've gotten in the midst of my angst, it occurred to me as I reread my thread that it seems like the content and intent of my post was perhaps misconstrued as a plea for weight loss support. With the exception of the post by 15 Storeys high I think that's what I got, and that is great in and of itself. But I think Storey really got it. It's not about losing weight for me. I know how to do that. I just don't have the self love enough to want to do that. I need to love myself, and I'm sure a good therapist would love to get ahold of me - I could probably pad their pocketbooks for a while!!

(Note about WW - I did WW last year and lost 28 lbs in 8 weeks - I know it works. Then I had surgery and everything went to pot. Right now I am on a very tight budget and there just isn't room on it for WW, but I definitely am a supporter of the WW program!)

Yesterday's post was very painful for me to write. It is a side of me I almost never let show; a thought in me I almost never let surface. I realize that for me the "best ways to diet" are not the issue. The issue is my self esteem, and why I don't think I'm lovable. Truth of the matter is I'm not convinced that if I weighed 125 lbs soaking wet that I would love myself any more than I do now, which is not much.

I have good friends who love me no matter what. I have family that loves me no matter what. And I have a Heavenly Father Who loves me no matter what. In the big picture, the grand scheme of things, I am blessed. I know this.

I am going to look into that therapy thing for me. I may only be able to afford a copay once/month, but maybe it will open up a new door for my psyche to walk thru.

Thanks again to you all!

[annie24]

i understand what you are saying, and i agree, you have to love yourself enough to want to make the changes to take care of your body.

 

do you know why you aren't? what thoughts go through your mind when you have your triggers to overeat? do you want to be around for a long time to see your kids and grandkids grow up? are you currently experiencing any health problems?

 

Truth of the matter is I'm not convinced that if I weighed 125 lbs soaking wet that I would love myself any more than I do now, which is not much.

 

i know we are all on a different journey, but this was how i thought too - i didn't necessarily think that losing weight would make me feel better about myself, but it did. i don't know if it was the endorphins from the exercising or the added self-confidence, or just how life became easier in some ways, but i do feel like it's helped.

[KaylaJoy]

 

do you know why you aren't? what thoughts go through your mind when you have your triggers to overeat? do you want to be around for a long time to see your kids and grandkids grow up? are you currently experiencing any health problems?

 

 

1. No, but there is a long history of abuse in my home in my childhood - maybe something to do with that, I dunno...I try not to touch it too deeply quite frankly, but I may have to.

 

2. Thoughts? Food is a pacifier for me. It makes me happy. It makes me high. I get excited when I think about eating certain foods.

 

3. Sure I want to be around, although I've had moments when I couldn't have honestly answered that with a yes, in my deepest moments of depression.

 

4. Well, does my feet hurting constantly, my feet swelling constantly, my body aching all over, osteoarthritis in both my knees, hypertension, and general fatigue and malaise count as physical health issues??

[annie24]

you say food makes you happy, but i think your post tells a different story. are you a happy person? you seem mostly sad. i know what you mean, i'm an emotional eater myself. food makes me feel good while i am eating it, but as soon as that last bite is gone, the feelings of reality come rushing back, right? it sounds like you are trying to self-medicate with food, and it isn't working. i'm not so sure that food is making you feel good in the long run. i think it's so important to face those feelings you are feeling, and confront them head on, and do something else rather than eat. for example, you could call a friend, post about it, write it down in a journal, take a walk, garden. other ways exist of dealing with the negative emotions. coming here is a good start, i think.

 

even worse, it's taking a toll on your health. let's put aside looks, dating, feeling unloveable, etc.... wouldn't it be nice to not feel swollen and not have aching feet, and be able to go up a flight of stairs without having to catch your breath?

 

have you thought about going to a therapist and going on some anti-depressants? talking about the abuse issues with a therapist? i think it can really help you.

 

i do think you are loveable and worth it. you are a great woman, with a son to stick around for. i'd really like to see you get the help you need.

[KaylaJoy]

I was asked by a therapist that I saw last year over my breakup issues how happy was I, on a scale of 1-10. I said 3. I don't think it's moved much. Maybe a 4 now, only because I've gotten back in church and gotten my prayer life back on a track a little more.

But the overall issues of food vs love vs self worth vs health vs happiness...it's all a garbled mess right now.

I enjoy eating. I guess I should have said it that way, instead of food makes me happy. Food that I like gives me pleasure. How about that?

I suppose lately I have been mostly sad, and that in itself is very sad. I've lost two men that I really cared about in the last 2 years, my son's father was almost killed almost a month ago (he's doing better now - has moved to a rehab facility and has made marked improvement.) As a single mom I struggle financially, even though I make good money, it's hard to do it all by yourself, so I deal with that. My dad and I have a poor relationship, he was very abusive growing up, and the ghosts are still there, not to mention he still has behavior issues today.

So yeah, I guess I let stuff weigh on my mind alot and I put on a good front and try to be Chipper Charles for my friends, but deep inside I'm not very happy. And I've been to two different therapists in the last two years, so I know all about therapy. May end up going back.

All that being said, I am still blessed, and am still in a better place than a lot of folks, and I know this, and am grateful!

[annie24]

i understand what you are saying. no one loses weight until they are ready to, fully and deeply committed to it. what do you think it will take for you to reach your turning point, where you say, 'ok, this time, it's for real.....' 5'9" and 330 lbs is a serious health risk, i am sure your doctor has told you. if you die, who will take care of your son?

 

how do you think you would feel if you weighed 160 lbs?

 

i love food too, it brings me joy too. but i've learned with weight watchers how to work in my favorites (ice cream, pizza, burgers, chocolate) in moderation and still be able to lose weight. just because you're losing weight doesn't mean you can't still enjoy your favorite foods, so you don't have to give that up at all.

[KaylaJoy]

how do you think you would feel if you weighed 160 lbs?

 

 

In my fat suit, I think I would feel wonderful. Realistically, maybe not much different, I don't know. Thinness doesn't make the problems and heartaches go away, does it?

[annie24]

In my fat suit, I think I would feel wonderful. Realistically, maybe not much different, I don't know. Thinness doesn't make the problems and heartaches go away, does it?

 

well, not fully. i can only speak to my experiences though. since losing weight, some things have gotten a lot better for me. i can fit into my clothes i used to wear in college, and that is a great feeling. or when i try something on in the store, and i ask the saleslady to please get me a smaller size, that is a great feeling too. when my previous 'fat jeans' are too big, that is great.

 

health-wise, i am doing a lot better. that in and of itself is enough reason to lose weight. i have fewer health problems now, and that's all related to my new eating habits. i get sick a lot less now too. eating healthier feels better to me now too. i still enjoy pizza and all that, but if i eat really bad foods for a whole week, i feel awful, not good. a basket of fresh summer berries is more indulgent than anything else.

 

random strangers smile at me on the street - men and women. i feel people are nicer to me now than when i was heavier.

 

i get approached by men a lot more now. i don't have a really great new boyfriend or anything, but i'm certainly being asked out a lot more and meeting a lot more guys.

 

part of it pisses me off thinking, 'hey - i am still the same person i was before, why didn't they approach me when i was heavier? i was still inside!' but in some ways, it's not true. i am different. i do have a renewed committment to my health, something i didn't have before.

 

link removed

 

I read the Joy Fit club all the time. Every week, they introduce people who have lost over 100 pounds and talk about how they did it, what was their turning point....this week's person lost 262 pounds, it's so amazing.

[KaylaJoy]

Thanks Annie, for that link....I checked it out and watched several videos, and I loved the one of the black lady named Viola...she said she did it just cutting back portions, and WALKING! Then there was the gal who drank all the soft drinks, and they were showing how many sugar cubes she was consuming. I could relate, because I drink a lot of pop, probably as much as she did!

I feel inspired, and I am going to start TODAY to take control of my eating habits. I know that I won't cut out pop cold turkey - that is my vice, and I will have to work on that one. But I realized today that my depression and sadness could very much be weight related, as I listened to their stories.

Thank you for sharing that link with me, I have bookmarked it to my favorites.

[annie24]

good, i am glad!!!!! i love that site too, they have a new story every monday. those people are so amazing. i agree, it's about little changes. viola is really amazing. i mean, you can't just eat cabbage and start working out 5 hours a day. little changes - order the chicken baked, not fried. have a burger, but have the fruit salad instead of the fries. take a walk around the block. as you build up more strength and stamina, go on a longer walk. experiment with new foods, i am doing that all the time. i try new healthy recipes all the time. some are awful, but some wind up being favorites.

 

you are going to do great!

[KaylaJoy]

Thanks!! I'm excited...I actually started a thread this afternoon- a weightloss challenge - where people can come and post about their weightloss struggles/journey, including myself! I hope people respond positively! I know I could use the everyday accountability.

[Aurian]

Its really unbelievable how much sugar pop has. I cut out my full-sugar Pepsi for one month, and lost 50 pounds. O.o (Just how much sugar was I DRINKING every day?!)

 

Never went back to the full-sugar pop again, and in fact, now its too sweet for me!