Update - Six Months After Breakup

[WalkOn]

Hi everyone,

 

Well it's been almost six months since I broke up with my bf of four years. You can go through some of my other posts to get the whole sad story - it's pretty long and complicated. I'm 25 and he was my first boyfriend (first everything, really), so this has been especially hard for me. But I like coming on here and seeing how people are doing as time goes by, so I thought I'd do the same.

 

So I guess I thought I'd be doing much better than I actually am - honestly I'm feeling about the same I did after the first week. I've tried everything to get over him, but nothing seems to work. I take a different route to work, I got rid of all the clothes I wore when we were together, I threw out everything he ever gave me, I made a ton of new friends and go out almost every night of the week. He lives 1,000 miles away, but even that hasn't made a difference. I still spend every single day wondering what he's doing, who he's with, and why our relationship failed (I blame myself for not getting into his med school).

 

As for the med school thing, I opted to move accross the country, 2,000 miles away from him and 3,000 miles away from where I'm living now. His sister is going to be in my class, but I can't do much about that. I still think of dropping med school altogether and just moving where he is, hoping he'll take me back. There is still a real chance I'll do that.

 

As for NC, well, we talk on the phone or gmail chat occasionally. He alternates between being very sweet and nice to saying extremely mean and hurtful things (I truly believe he's bipolar). I initiate contact based on his timetables ("call me in two weeks" or "I don't want to hear from you until July 1st" or whatever it is). I never break his rules on this. The whole thing is pretty messed up.

 

He moved away a year ago, but I saw him in December (right before we broke up), and then in April (we hooked up despite my best judgment), but that's been it. I'm probably going to fly out there in two weeks, although he told me not to (he said the same thing in April, but he was the one who wanted to see me once I was there). Of course I realize this is a bad idea, but I hate missing him so much. I do have a lot of close friends where I live, and I'm pretty happy here, but it's like there is this side of my life I just can't move on from. Like a piece is still missing. I see a therapist weekly, and I've even tried a lot of different medications, but I'm still sitting at square one. It's very frustrating.

 

I know how this sounds from the outside - why in the world would you go chase someone who dumped you and doesn't want to see you. Well, he's kind of crazy (actually, he is crazy), and he probably would take me back if I made enough sacrifices. Who knows. And it's been six months, and I haven't shown even the least bit of interest in anyone else. I'm a pretty smart and attractive person (at least that's what my friends say), but I recoil at the thought of dating anyone else.

 

Well, I wish I could have sounded a lot more upbeat in this update! Maybe it just takes more time. I'm really tired of waiting, though. I'm just tired of feeling this way in general.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>'I still think of dropping med school altogether and just moving where he is, hoping he'll take me back.'

 

NO, PLEASE don't do this... to yourself! Honey, you have to realize you are being like a child who lost their favorite boo-boo bear and is refusing to accept they can't have what they want. This is more stubborness than love.

 

You could chase him to the ends of the earth and it won't make the relationship work. You need to spend time with your therapist trying to understand why you'd give up your whole life and everything else in it for someone who is a terrible relationship prospect and doesn't even appear to care about you very much.

 

Yes, you could bully your way back into his life, but he is who he is, and most likely will continue hurting you and making your life horrible. You should be fighting for a good and HAPPY life, not just to be with one person, no matter how bad that relationship is or what it costs you.

 

The thing is that someone who is good for you makes you happy, content, ready to take on the world and live a full life. Someone who is BAD for you narrows your perspective, makes you obsessively chase them, give up what is important in life to go down with the sinking ship. This isn't love, this is stubbornness and obsession. You need to work with the counselor to get past that, and recognize that sometimes you just have to let go someone who is bad for you, rather than gnawing on the rotten, dying relationship like a putrid bone.

[annie24]

yes, i agree with BSBH. you have to let go of him. don't give up med school for this yahoo!!! you have worked hard to come as far as you have, you will do well, and giving it up for him is not worth it. true love doesn't tell you to go away and not call until july or whatnot. that's messed up. he is not the one for you. there are a million other guys out there, who would love to be your bf. do you think you sometimes miss having a bf more than you miss HIM? what if you met a guy next week who was handsome and fun and shared the same hobbies as you? would you miss your ex so much?

 

go to med school and excel. you don't need your ex.

[Loris]

One word - DOORMAT.

 

HE tells YOU when to call next? Give yourself a break. Carrying on like this will kill you mentally and physically. Do yourself a favour - go cold turkey (NC). He'll be loving the fact you're always there for him and has the balls to be horrible to you because you know you're as sweet as pie to him. People like him make me sick and what goes around, comes around. Remember that.

 

Another thing, don't drop med school. Not only will you meet/are meeting a multitude of interesting, intelligent, like-minded people, you're doing something that is a good career and building a future for yourself and whoever is lucky enough to step into your life and share it with you. You'll be so glad you kept with your studies in the long run.

 

I've been to some med school friends' parties and, man. These people know how to party. Why? Because they study their butts off. Work hard and play harder.

 

Hang in there. You're a bright button and very sentimental with it, which is why you're probably finding it difficult to let go. I like your name, by the way. Maybe you should do exactly that (Walk On) and don't give this guy anymore of your precious time.

 

Good luck in med school. I'm rooting for ya!

[coolbloke1978]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Have you tried this book:

link removed

 

I read it when I was a similar situation. Read it maybe it might help?

[ycmanvs]

As someone who dropped out of med school after a bad break-up...I have to tell you that not a day goes by where I do not regret that decision.

Whatever you do, stay in school.

Med school is hard enough without a relationship, so just focus on school. Try to go NC. There is no reason to keep in touch with him now. After graduation...after the boards...after you get your license...if you feel like calling him...then you can do it.

Also, get some counseling.

[browneyedgirl36]

Oh, my...

 

So many things to respond to here...I have no idea where to begin.

 

I guess the best place to start is to sum it all up by saying this situation is incredibly unhealthy for you.

 

It's one thing to be having trouble letting go and moving on; many of us have this difficulty, but please, please read over what you wrote and ask yourself this: If your best friend or sister were in this situation, what would you tell her? You'd tell her to move on, wouldn't you? You'd tell her to let him go, right?

 

Let's just look at what you're doing to yourself here:

 

You're thinking of giving up medical school -- your ticket to a wonderful career -- for someone who doesn't want to be with you;

 

After six months, you are STILL pining away for someone you barely speak to;

 

When you DO speak to him, it's a crapshoot -- MAYBE he'll be nice, but MAYBE he won't, and when he isn't, he says horrible, hurtful things to you;

 

In relation to the above, you admit he probably has mental illness, and from the sound of it, it's going untreated;

 

(This one's the worst one for me): He TELLS you when you're allowed to contact him, and you do what he says because you are so afraid of losing him (more on this later);

 

He told you not to come visit him, but you are so afraid of letting go with of that you went to visit someone who said he didn't want to see you;

 

He slept with you, even though he's made it clear he doesn't want to be with you;

 

I'm curious as to what your therapist says about this? Does she know about all of these things? If she doesn't, you need to tell her, and if she does, you need to work with her toward raising your self-esteem and figuring out why you have made the decision to cause yourself so much pain over someone who is not capable of caring for you. From reading this post, it is clear that you would do ANYTHING to keep this guy in your life -- why? Somehow, in your mind, he has become more important to you than YOU are to yourself -- why? This is something you need to explore with your therapist in great detail, because in the end, this isn't about him and how you feel about him; it's about you and how you feel about yourself that causes you to allow yourself to give control of your feelings and your peace of mind over to him.

 

I posted this question in another poster's post; it's from a book on letting go that I recently bought and read. Ask yourself "If I'm doing what I want to do, why does it hurt me so much to do it?" The short answer is that you hurt because it's NOT what you really want to do. The long answer is something you need to work through, hopefully with the help of your therapist.

 

You have two choices here: Continue doing what you're doing and feel terrible, or do something different. The former will keep you stuck; the latter will help you to move forward and have peace of mind. A good start? DON'T go to visit him, no matter how much you want to. Do something different.

[WalkOn]

Thank you, everyone, for your replies. I've been working really hard on this in every way I can possibly think of, but I'm still just stuck. I'm glad I have a therapist I like, and it's nice to have someone to talk to (my friends and family already think I'm kind of crazy, so I can't talk about this with them), but I really, truly feel like I'm getting nowhere.

 

BeStrongBeHappy, that's an interesting perspective I hadn't really thought about before. It's true that our relationship always made me less of a person, rather than more, but I can only seem to remember the good moments. And I was really happy then. I think my brain processes this as an obsession, but emotionally, I'm still feeling heartache.

 

annie, I've thought about what it is I miss. But if I missed a relationship, I feel like I would have been in another one by now. I've met a lot of guys, gone on many first dates (I always stopped it there), and met a lot of people who want to date me and clearly respect me, including some very close guy friends. But I'm not interested. I just want the yahoo!

 

Loris, I've been a doormat to him since day one. Should have ended it years ago. Instead, here I am still his doormat, despite the fact we never talk! I wish I could get excited about med school, but I'm still devastated I didn't get into the one he got into (the one I got into is actually much higher ranked - he dumped me the day he found out I got in. The guy is psycho jealous of everything I do in my life).

 

ycmanvs and coolbloke, thanks for the suggestions. NC is the way to go (so I've heard), but wow, it's almost impossible. I've made almost zero progress on that front (facebook is evil).

 

browneyedgirl, you had some great points. Thank you! I just don't know what else I can do - I tried to change my whole life! I committed to a school accross the country and I'm miserable about it. I know I deserve this, and I should be proud of myself, but it's more like an obligation than an achievement. What if I get there and I'm still just as hung up on him as I am right now? What if he never speaks to me again because I go there? What if I never see him again? I just can't handle it. I'm afraid I'll just have a total mental collapse in medical school, which is what I'm close to now, despite the many things I do to occupy my time here.

 

My therapist knows the full story, and she's convinced it was an abusive relationship (emotionally and verbally, it certainly was). It was terribly unhealthy, and totally sunk my self-esteem. He never let me have any friends, never let me go out, didn't trust me. Even now, he says, "I don't want to hear any details of your little life and your little buddies. Have fun with that." The guy is clearly not over me, and I know he's not dating anyone else (in fact, he has no friends, he says). That's why it was so easy for him to use me back in April. At the same time, he tells me to stay out of his life because he's trying to convince himself that dumping me was a good idea. In the end, I'm always there, just waiting to be trampled. It's been happening for a long time.

 

Ugh. I think I need to value myself more. I do, but at the same time, I feel like being with him is the only way to get myself out of this rut. And he always leaves that door open, just a bit, to see if I'll come back. I hate it.

[ycmanvs]

The only way I was able to get my life back together was to stop all contact with the ex from med school. It took a long time. It was not easy, but it worked. Every time you want to look him up, come here instead. Delete him from your facebook. If he tries to contact you, do not respond.

Of course he will leave the door open. He likes the attention from you. Do not fall for that and close the door. Be the one in control. Focus on school and friends. eventually, when you least expect it, you will meet someone else.

[Clabs]

Hey Walkon

 

Hon - I remember your relationship and how rotten it was. Certainly it was abusive.

 

This man has crushed your spirit and has eroded your self esteem and your confidence. Abusers like this are very clever at this - and also very clever at keeping you hanging around.

 

Darling - read what you have written here because it doesn't make any sense, does it? This man is no good for you. You know this. The problem here is that if you keep in contact - you stir things up and drag yourself down.

 

Please don't drop med school - you will regret it because you are thinking of quitting and going to where he is on the offchance he will take you back. But when you do talk - he belittles you and your feelings - he wipes his feet on you yet again.

 

Darling - please sit and ponder what we have written - and indeed what you have written. You are wasting time hankering after someone who will eventually destroy you.

 

Come on hun - see some sense in this madness.

 

You can do it, but you have to let go of it. We are here to support you - but you must help yourself.

 

Mark

[WalkOn]

Mark, your words are always a source of strength for me. I know it is madness, but it's still hard to distance myself from it. Especially now that my life is changing, and soon I'll be leaving my support system here on the east coast. It just feels like I'm going to be totally alone again.

 

I really am trying to help myself. Maybe a change of scenery (a major one!) will do me some good.

 

I'll keep you posted.

[Clabs]

Please try to be strong darling - for your own sanity.

 

Hun - wherever you go, we will still be here for you - you know that.

 

Whenever you feel weak, come on here - do something differently - carry yourself forward. You can't start to feel the benefits of leaving his sorry ass alone if you don't start doing that!

 

Mark

[ycmanvs]

Mark, your words are always a source of strength for me. I know it is madness, but it's still hard to distance myself from it. Especially now that my life is changing, and soon I'll be leaving my support system here on the east coast. It just feels like I'm going to be totally alone again.

 

I really am trying to help myself. Maybe a change of scenery (a major one!) will do me some good.

 

I'll keep you posted.

 

Just think of all the wonderful things you will be learning and the great friendships you will make.

[lovedlost]

Walkon, I don't know what it's going to take for you to realize he's not coming back - at least for now, but it's got to happen fast before you make such a crazy move! And it is crazy. PLEASE DO NOT move to where he is...You think that there is no one else, but the sad truth is there just may be. You can read my whole crazy story, but it is very similar to you. I was with my ex for almost 9 years. We met my freshman year in college. He was just graduating college. Anyway, he was my first everything also, and then he moved away to get a PHD. See the similarities. He ended up proposing to me last year, and we were planning the whole wedding, and buying a house thing. I left my job for him, and accepted a job where he was so that we could be together when we were married, and while he was still in school. the week before i was to move, he told me "he needed space, and it wasn't me it was him." Naturally I went crazy, and I thought he would come around after my emails, phone calls etc...We were tighter than glue, and would never cheat on eachother, let alone say a bad word. Everytime we fought, he'd call me up and apologize, and he was just the best boyfriend a girl could have. I kept pressing why he would leave, and thinking, i'm still going to take the job and move to his hometown, leave my family and friends to salvage our love. When I got there, he was still giving me the cold shoulder, maybe called once or twice to see if i was still moving to where he was, but no sincerity. it was like dr. jekyll and mr. hyde. I mean, it was only 9 years of our lives!!!

 

Anyway, one day i got the urge to get to the bottom of things, and broke into his email account, and got the answers i'd been praying on for months. he was seeing someone he worked with, and lied about it with the straightest face! He moved to a new place, started hanging with new people, and just established a new life, and suddenly I wasn't number one on his list anymore. The point is, 'Walkon', you should do exactly what your name states, and walk on. I don't want you to mess up your career and move to where he is to find out that there's someone else. Even if there isn't, if he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. I know everyone has their point of realization, and you haven't yet reached yours, but someone once told me to never make a big decision out of emotion...That's what you're about to do. Wait until you can think clearly with your head, and if you still think that's what you want to do, then do it, but please don't do it now.

 

So, if this makes you feel even a tiny bit better, it's been 11 months since our breakup, and i cried this morning. he was my first everything, and we had a great relationship, and he just ended it out of the blue, just like that. Like I never met anything to him in the 9 years that we've known eachother. We've had NC since August, and I ran into him with the girl from the email out in public. it was devastating, and i'm still dealing with it, but it does get easier as time moves on. You have to focus on you, and put in time for yourself, so that, God forbid, this ever happens again, you will be a strong woman on your own, and have things going on for yourself, and it won't crush you the way it's doing now. My existence was our relationship, and once that ended, I felt like I had no point in this world. Like you, I didn't eat, I didn't sleep for days, i cried at my new job, zoned out, called everyone i knew, went out even when i didn't want to, it was bad. I'm not healed, but i'm healing, and you will do the same. You just have to accept that he's gone. Also like you, he was the closest person to me next to my mother, so it really felt like a death in the family. Especially to not have any contact and for him to be so cruel.

 

Trust me, it happened to me, and people told me it would get easier, and i wanted to yell and scream "WHENNNNNN????" But it has been getting easier. You can do better! These things happen for a reason. I haven't yet figured out my reason, but it will all come to light. The perfect person is waiting for you to get over this guy. Who knows, it may be that you need to find yourself for you two to find eachother again, but you have to find yourself first. it won't happen until you take those steps. I'm so sorry this happened to you, because no one deserves to go through this, but he'll wake up one day, and by that time, you'll be well on your way! Sorry this is so long, but it really hit home for me.

[WalkOn]

loved&lost, thank you for posting your story. I can definitely see the similarities, too. I think what you went through is much harder, though, especially given the commitment you made to him, and for the amount of time you were together (not to mention the other person involved). Sometimes I wonder what would happen to me if I saw him with someone else, or if we had gotten to the point of getting engaged, or a million other things. If I really think about it, I realize how much worse this could be.

 

It's true I haven't yet realized that he's not coming back. I absolutely refuse to accept it. And that's where I'm stuck. Despite his jealousy, his immaturity, his mental issues, etc., I blame myself 100% for the break-up. Two years ago, while we were long distance and he was treating me like a doormat (he had cheated on me months before - without telling me - and thereforeee stopped trusting me), I drunkenly made out with a guy from work. I emailed my sister about it, told her I liked his guy because he actually cared about my life and didn't treat me like crap, and my ex broke into my account and read it. He just never forgave me for it (he cheated again after this incident, but I forgave him instantly, as usual). Even writing this, I feel like an evil, worthless person, who deserves all the pain I'm in.

 

So today I was reading through old emails, and chats, etc. (I like to torture myself), and he just never lets it go. Tells me he could never be with a cheater (over and over and over again). He always refused to consider his own behavior, while I just pitifully apologized again and again. I think I tried so hard to make things right, and I failed, and I still want to "fix" this. But I can't. He won't ever treat me with respect, and I won't stand up for myself.

 

That said, when he left for med school, we were doing really well. And when he broke it off, he blamed it on the long-distance. But he would always find ways to make me feel worse about it, to bring up the past, and to make me feel like I had screwed everything up by making one mistake that wasn't even my fault. Long-distance is one thing - personal attacks is another.

 

In April when I was in his city on business, he called me and asked to see me, and told me how much he missed me, how wonderful I am, how he thought every single day about just getting back together with me. I mean, who does that?! Then the next day (after using me physically, of course), says, "Yeah, I obviously never want to get back together with you. So don't expect anything."

 

The truth is, I just can't move on. I don't want to move on. I was happier for that 12-hour period in April than I have been in six months. Isn't that ridiculous? It's sad, too.

 

loved&lost, your story did make me feel better, even though I hate to hear that this happened to you. When did you start to feel better? Did you have a turning point? Did you meet someone else?

[ycmanvs]

You must not keep in touch with him...no matter what. The fact that he puts the blame on you, even though he cheated too, is a sign of an abuser.

You felt better when he paid attention to you in April, but at what price?

You will meet someone else, when you are ready. Right now you are still in mourning over your relationship with your ex.

[lovedlost]

Hey girl, I just want to say, you are in no way ridiculous or evil or anything like that! You're a good person, which is why you feel awful for seeing another guy behind your ex's back. You did it out of hurt, so no one is perfect.

 

As for the emails thing, stop reading them. It's funny because i was talking on the phone to a friend of mine yesterday, and she said you HAVE to erase those emails. I refused, and she said you are holding on, and until you release those things consuming yourself with him, then you'll never feel better. So, just yesterday I erased his number out of my cell phone (even though I know it by heart), but I wasn't yet ready to delete the emails. That's just me being honest. There are thousands of emails from like 1999. They are all of the good memories, so it was hard for me to just hit delete. Plus I'm the type to hold on to keepsakes forever! One day i'll just do it, so i can't say for you to do the same. But, I will say that you need to stop reading them.

 

To answer your question about my turning point, and when I started to feel better...i guess it comes and goes. But I started really getting into myself, and doing all of the things that I didn't do when i was with my ex. Since he was my first everything, I never experienced other guys, or went out on dates, so I was just enjoying that time. I haven't dated anyone seriously, just went out a few times. I started working out, and walking a lot, and that gave me peace of mind. It also helped that I stopped reading his emails, and thinking about calling his phone with *67 just to hear his voice and hang up. I think it helped that he has not tried to contact me at all. no emails, no phone calls, texts, im's....nothing! It's always difficult when you have someone selfish like your ex, that wants to make sure that he can still bait you, by agreeing to see you, sleep with you, and then leave with his chest poked out, like he's a super hero. The hardest thing ever to quit something is always cold turkey, but guess what, it's the most effective way. That goes for anything...smoking, drinking, and relationships! For me, I had no choice, because my ex said "see ya" in his own little way, and after a while my pride stopped me from trying to contact him.

 

The other thing that I realized is that I'm always thinking about him having a happy life, and being so content while I'm being so miserable...But I know that the way of the land does not work like that. When someone does a bad thing, they will be punished for it. I know that I'm more woman than the girl he left me for. The reason why I know that is because she was seeing him while he was engaged to me, and she knew it because she was invited to the wedding!! So, with that said, she obviously has her values screwed up, and good things don't happen for people like that. I just stopped thinking about their happiness, and started thinking about my life. Don't give him the power to control you.

 

Think about 5 years earlier...if a guy approached you and said "hey, i want to have sex with you, and then walk out on you, and be cruel and unimaginable, and call you names....do you want to go out with me?" What would you say? You'd say NO WAY! Well, you have to get back to the mindset you were b4 you met this guy, and know that you deserve better. You have to forget about all of the nice things and nice words he's said to you, because now what matters is how he's treating you now. It is a process, and i'm not saying you'll get there overnight, but really just talk to yourself, and have a heart to heart. I don't know what your faith is, but I had personal conversations with God and said that I really didn't appreciate all of this pain I was experiencing because I was so good to my ex. I prayed for strength, and the courage and power to move on, and I did this daily, and I really believe that this has helped in my healing. Think about what you're missing in your life that's causing you to go through so much pain behind not being with a cheater, who treats you like crap. I had to think about my past, and other things that has added to the pain i'm going through, and it's made me focus on that, and not so much on him, so that i can be a better person.

[WalkOn]

I think it's definitely a good idea to break contact with him, but wow, it's so hard!! Yesterday I was thinking all day about how much I just wish I could see his face, even for five minutes. But he lives 1,000 miles away and that would involve me going there...which is obviously a bad idea. Even so, I think about it sometimes.

 

I've tried to go longer and longer stretches without talking to him. It's easier now to do that. When we were together, we talked for hours every night online (part of this had to do with the fact that he wouldn't let me go out of the house, although we lived 50 miles apart). So it was hard to go from that to a brief conversation every few weeks or so. And sometimes the urge to call him is truly maddening - but I find ways to distract myself, I guess. I come on here, too, which always helps me.

 

I've thought about what it would be like if he eliminated all contact with me, and I hate thinking about it. But at the same time, I know in my heart it would help my healing. Communicating with him always makes me feel worse - whether it's me getting angry, upset, or just sad. No matter what we say, I always feel worse about things.

 

I haven't contacted him in any way in a few weeks, and was doing okay with this, but last night I found a long email from him in my inbox (this after him saying, "if you try to email or contact me, I will block you from everything!). He talked about how he told his parents (to whom I was very close) I was a horrible, cheating liar, who clearly doesn't deserve their son. He talked about this for about five paragraphs. Then he said, "Well, I very much value my parents' opinion, so since they have no respect for you anymore, I don't either. Thus, we are never, ever getting back together."

 

I don't know how to tell you how truly minor my making out incident was - he just doesn't believe it could be that innocuous (since his indiscretions were more extreme, he assumes I did the same). Unfortunately, I read the whole email, got extremely upset, talked to him for two hours online, and came accross as the same pitiful thing I've been for the last six months. Eventually he said, "Well, I didn't actually tell them anything, but I just want you to know that I will in case you try to get back together with me!" Even reading this I see how crazy and vindictive he is. But even so, I was really upset and I couldn't sleep or go to work today.

 

So I guess the answer here really is to just cut all contact, and if he tries this again, to just ignore him. I really wish I had had the strength to do that yesterday. Now I feel that I've taken a few steps back.

 

loved&lost, I never thought about things the way you explained them. New insights always help me tremendously. I used to be a more spiritual person, but I've distanced myself lately. Maybe it's something I should try again. I know I have strength in there somewhere.

[ycmanvs]

If he ever emails you again, please do not read it or answer it. He is only trying to get a reaction from you. He likes the attention. Do not fall for it. You know that you are a good person. Don't let his words get to you.

Try to turn your mind away from him.

Do not go online for a couple of days....unless it is to post here.

[Clabs]

Hey Walkon

 

I am glad you chatted to him last night because it is yet another reminder of what an unpleasant and vindictive person he is and exactly why you MUST stop all forms of contact with him.

 

If I were you I would block him on MSN, and delete all the old emails and any other contact numbers/email addresses you might have. Do yourself a favour and really start to push yourself forward.

 

You know what you need to do darling - but you must be strong - you must look out for you and you alone. Stop caring about what he thinks about you because he doesn't see clearly - he is a crackpot.

 

What do you think?

 

Mark

[lovedlost]

Of course you have strength in there!! And you will get even stronger. I'm proud of you for recognizing your mistakes after contacting him, and reading the email. Don't look at those things as step backs. Look at it as part of your growth. I did them all...And I feel it's made me stronger in my realizations. I've done the calling his cell phone thing, just to hear his voice, then i wanted to know what types of messages he was getting, so i listened to his saved messages and heard the mother of the girl he was seeing, and was depressed for 3 days after hearing it. I was like, oh he's really moved on. He's even close with her mom now, but then I realized it was a mistake, and remembered how it would make me feel when I did those kind of things, and used that as ammo, not to do it again. So, now you know how you felt after talking to him, and reading that long email, and what you've learned is it doesn't feel good, at least not for now, so you should stop. Sounds difficult, but it really is simple.

 

I also always try to remember what an asset I was to him, and not the other way around. He was lucky to have me and when i remember that, it sometimes makes me feel better.

 

There is this book that someone recommended to me, and i started reading it on the train this morning. It's called "The five love languages, how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate" by Gary Chapman. A lot of it seems like its talking about marriage, but it's really helpful with regard to how we love, and the phases we go through when we're "in-love" or not "in-love" anymore. It's really good. You should check it out if you get a chance.

 

I'm sure the make out incident was infact very minor. When they are in the mindset of justifying doing something that doesn't make sense, they will try to rationalize any irrational situation. My ex told me i didn't come see him in the emergency room when he sprained his finger! Can you believe that?? Never mind I was like 300 miles away, and it was very minor. But that was his justification for lying and walking out on our engagement. He really had nothing, but as you can see, they will turn anything around for their benefit.

 

Walkon, you are still young, you seem intelligent, and i'm sure beautiful. These things happen as they are supposed to happen. You may find somebody new (hopefully), or you may end up with this guy, but clearly now is not the time. Focus on being that person you need to be for yourself and for whatever situation works out in the future. My guess is that you'll improve yourself, and forget all about this loser. You'll look back on this pain you're experiencing, and realize that it was all necessary to prepare you for the new person you'll be with. it's hard because you can't really picture who this guy is, but fear not, he is out there waiting!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Darling, the cure for your pain isn't to return to the source of your pain!! It sounds like you two do have an abusive relationship, as your couselor says.

 

Why spend hours on the phone with someone who tells you how horrible he thinks you are and plays twisted mind games with you. He is the SOURCE of your pain, not the cure for it!

 

Sometimes people fit together like a lock and key in a positive way, where the positives make for a happy and full life. And other times people's NEGATIVES fit together perfectly, bringing out the WORST in each other and continuing unhappiness. So he has found the perfect person to torment, and you are grabbing onto the torment and doubling and tripling it within yourself.

 

Please recognize that some people are like a bad drug, like heroin for you. There are small moments of bliss, surrounded by chaos, misery, pain and destruction of your life. Doesn't it make more sense to endure the short term pain of giving up your addiction, to find long term, permanent peace and happiness with someone else, rather than enduring continual torture for a few moments of happiness now and again?

 

Continue to go to your therapy, and learn how to heal yourself and give up this addiction to someone who is toxic for you. Chasing after him can destroy you, as surely as heroin destroys drug addicts.

[WalkOn]

Mark, I definitely agree. I've gone a few weeks without looking at his facebook page at times, but I always go back to it. Even if I blocked him, I could still find a way to see it. The only way I could ever truly block it would be to ask him to do it, and I'm not sure I want to do that. I already asked him to block me from seeing all his pictures, which initially drove me crazy, but now I'm glad I did.

 

I don't go online anymore except for the other night, because I saw him online and knew he wanted to talk to me about that e-mail (I use the "invisible" feature - I can see who's online, but they can't see me). I don't talk to anyone online anyway, so I might as well just delete the whole account, but I can't bring myself to do that yet. He doesn't use text messages, so fortunately I haven't been tempted to do that. I could delete him from my phone, but I have the number memorized. Living in 2008 isn't easy for dumpees...

 

loved&lost, I know I was an asset to him. At least I think I was. I really gave everything I had (which was way too much). My friends give me so much positive reinforcement, and their faces just fall whenever I mention him. As one guy said to me last night, if you chase him, you'll ruin your life - and we'll miss you. And it's true, I know I would. I just hope someone else is out there for me. Right now I'm not so open to it...

 

BeStrong, I'm definitely addicted to him. You're exactly right about that. I just never saw it as a bad addiction - but it is, it really is. Sometimes it's a good practice to think of things in terms of metaphors. I see things more clearly that way.

 

Well, this was definitely a set-back, but I didn't talk to him yesterday, and I won't today. I'm keeping busy, so that's good, I guess. I'm praying more, too (thanks, loved&lost!). I'll keep writing - thanks, everyone, for listening!

[ycmanvs]

Since it is like an addiction, you must do what addicts do and take it one day at a time.

[lovedlost]

loved&lost, I know I was an asset to him. At least I think I was. I really gave everything I had (which was way too much). My friends give me so much positive reinforcement, and their faces just fall whenever I mention him. As one guy said to me last night, if you chase him, you'll ruin your life - and we'll miss you. And it's true, I know I would. I just hope someone else is out there for me. Right now I'm not so open to it...

 

I'm praying more, too (thanks, loved&lost!). I'll keep writing - thanks, everyone, for listening!

 

Precisely, you're the asset, and he's the nobody. You have friends and family that love you, value you, and respect you, and you should think about putting them above this guy.

 

We all go through our addictive stages. When you truly love someone you can't see life without them, and it's hell when you are forced to. But as time and healing happens, you will realize that life is so much bigger than him. think about who you are, and who you were b4 you met him. Keep that in mind.

 

Glad you are praying. It works Walkon, it really does. Don't be afraid to be honest with yourself and whomever you pray to. Let it all out, and don't be shy. it's like an emotional cleansing!