Am I too passive in relationships? Do I give TOO much space to guys I date?

[Suzanne1281]

I am trying to figure out my pattern when it comes to guys leaving me in the same way. All of my relationships are this: we date for a matter of months, and when it comes time to move to the next step, the guy ALWAYS tells me "I don't really want a relationship right now" and almost always is "not over his ex yet." I have never been with a guy who was right out of his prior relationship. But these two issues always, always surface with seriously every guy I date.

 

I begin to wonder if I'm too passive and give too much space to these guys that they either:

a.) think I won't care enough

b.) feel that I give them so much space that we can "casually" date and not have to go into anything more committed-they can have their cake and eat it too

 

I'm really good to the guys I date, we have fun, the sex is good, etc. Guys, do you want a girl to be more aggressive and a bit more demanding? I want my next relationship to work out so badly. I don't know how much more of this pattern I can take.

[darkplace]

dont feel bad, you just havent found the right guy yet, you just got a few bad eggs this time round

[Suzanne1281]

It's just that this has happened with almost every guy since I started dating when I was 16. I'm 26 now. There have been about 6 relationships that this same thing has happened in.

[annie24]

something to think about....

 

I'm really good to the guys I date, we have fun, the sex is good

 

maybe you shouldn't sleep with them until you are in a relationship with them. like you said, i really don't think it has to do with them not being over an ex, especially since you've never dated guys fresh out of a relationship. maybe (and i'm just guessing here), you're being too nice and giving a lot and not asking for anything in return. I would hold off on the sex until you two have decided to be bf/gf, at least several months, so you can get to know them and remain a challenge. some guys get bored.

[ycmanvs]

something to think about....

 

 

 

maybe you shouldn't sleep with them until you are in a relationship with them. like you said, i really don't think it has to do with them not being over an ex, especially since you've never dated guys fresh out of a relationship. maybe (and i'm just guessing here), you're being too nice and giving a lot and not asking for anything in return. I would hold off on the sex until you two have decided to be bf/gf, at least several months, so you can get to know them and remain a challenge. some guys get bored.

 

I agree with this. Try not to get to the sexual stuff until you date them for a few months first. That way, you will weed them out faster. If they really want to be with you, they will wait.

[Suzanne1281]

I don't have sex with them right away. I wait a couple of months...with the last guy I waited about 3 months before I was ready. I can't sleep with a guy until I really trust him. But I will take what you said about waiting for our status to be bf/gf into account. I also agree with what you say about giving too much and not asking for anything in return. I never, ever ask for anything in return. Maybe Im too generous or something.

[Godless_Heathen]

You might also be subconsciously selecting guys who are closed off this way, and rejecting the guys who would want more as "not attractive."

[Suzanne1281]

You might also be subconsciously selecting guys who are closed off this way, and rejecting the guys who would want more as "not attractive."

 

 

I've actually thought this before as well. I've had a couple of guys that were WONDERFUL really...but they came off to me as too forward and I feel not attracted to them. I wish I could figure out a way around this!

[annie24]

You might also be subconsciously selecting guys who are closed off this way, and rejecting the guys who would want more as "not attractive."

 

yes, i think this is my problem too!!!!! how to work around it though.... it's hard.

[Godless_Heathen]

yes, i think this is my problem too!!!!! how to work around it though.... it's hard.

This first thing is to be aware of it. Ideally to the point that you realize you're doing it as you do it, rather than afterward.

 

Dealing with it in the long term requires support. I've never gone to a psychologist, but I've done therapy-like stuff with friends. If it's something self-destructive, opening up the reasons behind it is usually pretty painful. If you don't know why you're doing something, it's usually pain preventing you from thinking too closely about it.

[Suzanne1281]

This first thing is to be aware of it. Ideally to the point that you realize you're doing it as you do it, rather than afterward.

 

Dealing with it in the long term requires support. I've never gone to a psychologist, but I've done therapy-like stuff with friends. If it's something self-destructive, opening up the reasons behind it is usually pretty painful. If you don't know why you're doing something, it's usually pain preventing you from thinking too closely about it.

 

I'm in therapy now as a result of my last breakup. I think I may bring this up tomorrow at my appointment.

[ycmanvs]

I'm in therapy now as a result of my last breakup. I think I may bring this up tomorrow at my appointment.

 

Yes...bring it up. You can work through this, so that you do not keep repeating the patterns.

[brian123]

no sex w/guys you are just dating. Why buy the cow when we can get the milk for free. Guys typically don't respect girls they sleep with like that. I could never be with a girl i didn't respect.

 

When girls make it clear they want to sleep with me early on, it is a HUGE turn-off for me relationship wise.

[Godless_Heathen]

Why buy the cow when we can get the milk for free.

I hate that phrase. Women aren't cows.

 

Guys typically don't respect girls they sleep with like that.

I've respected every woman I've ever slept with. I can't imagine sleeping with a woman I didn't respect, and sex always brings me closer to them, rather than pushing me away.

 

I really don't get the madonna / * * * * * complex that so many men seem to have.

[ycmanvs]

I hate that phrase. Women aren't cows.

 

 

I've respected every woman I've ever slept with. I can't imagine sleeping with a woman I didn't respect, and sex always brings me closer to them, rather than pushing me away.

 

I really don't get the madonna / * * * * * complex that so many men seem to have.

 

You are the exception to the rule. Most people who have meaningless sex with people they don't know very well, eventually realise that they do not have much in common once they actually get to know the other person.

Occasionally...and this is rare....people will actually stay together...and like eachother...even after they have sex early on in the relationship.

 

I have noticed that the Boston are however, has a very high % of people who are willing to sleep together on the first date. I think it has to do with the fact that there are so many colleges and young people floating around and "experimenting".

 

As far as the OP is concerned. If the guys break up, they were not good for you anyway, so in a way you are lucky because you can move on to someone who is more compatible, instead of being stuck in a bad relationship.

[browneyedgirl36]

You might also be subconsciously selecting guys who are closed off this way, and rejecting the guys who would want more as "not attractive."

 

I think this is the case with me, too. My last ex told me, "You just keep picking unavailble men." I don't think I consciously realize they're unavailable, but something about them attracts me, as opposed to the guys who ARE available and may seem too pushy, too forward, and too "into" me.

 

What's a girl to do????

[richmonder80]

I dont think your problem is due to giving too much space to the guys. I believe that you sleep with them too early. On your next relationship, hold on the intimate part until few months and see if that makes any difference.

[Suzanne1281]

I dont think your problem is due to giving too much space to the guys. I believe that you sleep with them too early. On your next relationship, hold on the intimate part until few months and see if that makes any difference.

 

 

I never even slept with the last one before the "I don't want a relationship/ex girlfriend" speech came. And as my earlier post said, I always wait at least a few months before I sleep with them. I never said I slept with them early on at all.

 

It's so perplexing to me because with this last one, I was waiting until we got closer to sleep with him, he totally was cool with that and then he did the same thing all the other guys do.

 

As far as having "the talk" goes, I did make my feelings clear to this last one before anything really physical ever happened---maybe 3 months in. So I feel like I pushed him away and I'll push other guys away by being too "forward." But on the other hand if I don't have the talk with them they also go away.

[dream83]

Yeah. I'd wait for the bf/gf title before having sex next time.

[Suzanne1281]

Yeah. I'd wait for the bf/gf title before having sex next time.

 

 

Like I said, I was waiting this time..and it still didn't work.

 

My problem is, even when I don't sleep with them, the gf/bf title never comes. It's happened 6 times and only once did I sleep with a guy that I didn't talk to about the next step before we had sex. With the other guys, we were physical but never any actual sex. I should have made that more clear. There were a few other guys in there that I did sleep with but relationships weren't going to happen with them b/c of long distance. My original question really is are girls usually more demanding and assertive saying "I want a relationship" and not taking no for an answer when a guy is being reluctant? Do guys like to be kept in line by a girl-is that what they're attracted to?

 

Why does it seem to come so easy for everyone else to have the bf/gf title, but guys do not want a relationship with me no matter how perfect I act, etc?

[ycmanvs]

Well, since this keeps happening to you let me ask you this: what do you do or not do that may turn someone off?

What types of guys do you usually date?

As far as being aggressive, if you have been dating someone for a few weeks and things are going well, you should find out if they want to be in a serious relationship and explain to them that it is what you want.

[lovedlost]

I believe that men like a challenge, and they secretly get their egos fed when a woman snoops behind their back, asks them where they've been all night, and shows signs of jealousy sometimes. Sometimes a woman that is too confident and doesn't do all of these things, may spell out "not that interested in me, not that committed to me, or she's seeing someone else on the side."

 

I think sometimes when you're too confident in your relationship, and you show a lot of trust, guys will take advantage of that, and eventually move on to someone they feel secure in. And unfortunately sometimes it seems they feel more secure with our insecurities - as twisted as that may sound.

 

My advice, don't give in so easily. Don't be so accessible and accomodating to these guys (at least in the beginning). Have other thngs going on in your life, and don't let them go and come as they please. Make sure you are being courted, and a date doesn't turn into coming over to your apartment to watch t.v. Make them work for you, until you know they are willing.

[Suzanne1281]

Well, since this keeps happening to you let me ask you this: what do you do or not do that may turn someone off?

What types of guys do you usually date?

As far as being aggressive, if you have been dating someone for a few weeks and things are going well, you should find out if they want to be in a serious relationship and explain to them that it is what you want.

 

 

A few weeks? Maybe that's my problem. I always wait a few months!!! A few weeks isn't going to push them away?

 

I really don't think I do anything to turn a guy off--everything is going really well for the first few months until I bring up wanting a relationship or even just hint at it.

 

The types of guys I date: there isn't one type. I think maybe a common thread I see in a lot of them is they tend to be a bit dramatic and emotional.

[ycmanvs]

A few weeks? Maybe that's my problem. I always wait a few months!!! A few weeks isn't going to push them away?

 

I really don't think I do anything to turn a guy off--everything is going really well for the first few months until I bring up wanting a relationship or even just hint at it.

 

The types of guys I date: there isn't one type. I think maybe a common thread I see in a lot of them is they tend to be a bit dramatic and emotional.

 

It is not a good idea to date guys who are "dramatic and emotional" and you see too much of. Those are red flags for most people. Take things slow at first. That way if it does not work out, you do not get too attached or hurt.

[Suzanne1281]

I think you hit the nail right on the head. I am sooo trusting in every relationship that ends like this and even if I'm not I act like I am because I want to seem cool and not push them away by asking them "Why didnt' you call back, why do you seem distant lately, etc." I never show jealousy even if I do have a tinge of it from time to time. When the last guy started acting distant, I didnt' question it and put aside any hints that he still was hung up on his ex girlfriend (whom he just left me for). It's such a delicate balance to act concerned about losing a guy but at the same time not want to push him away by seeming too controlling or paranoid. The ex my current ex just left me for is that way...maybe I should have been that way with him. It makes me want to quit NC and start calling him and telling him what to do so maybe he'll come back. (Sorry, rough day with missing the ex.)

 

It's just so hard to know how to act the right way.

 

 

 

 

Thank you for this advice. With the last guy unfortunately we took things very slow at first and when it started to get more involved the ex came back into the picture and the not knowing if he wanted a relationship. I always found him kind of overly emotional for a guy, but I wasn't expecting this. I am most definitely taking your advice to heart because maybe that's where this "pattern" is coming from--dating these dramatic/emotional guys.