How to "feel" happy again?

[lust4life]

I am depressed. There's no more denying it.

I live with my boyfriend who does not believe in depression & believes that you create your own happiness. He also believes that you can choose to get over the past.

 

That being said he hasn't had that bad of a past whereas I have had some pretty bad experiences.

 

My bad past experiences are varied and run through very deep scars in my mind.

 

I'm tired of being depressed. He's tired of me being depressed. But the truth is, I don't know how to move on. The same things still hurt over & over again today. & I am a worse person because of all of it.

I'm insecure, I barely have self confidence, I have severe abandonment issues leading to clinginess....

As you can imagine, all my issues do serious damage to any relationship.

 

I just want to mope around all day & cry & talk about how upset I am. But I think it's getting old for him, almost as if he doesn't want to hear it anymore. It seems like he thinks I'm doing it more for attention, like I want people to feel sorry for me because I'm choosing not to move on. I'll add that I just acknowledged some of my pain again recently while visiting home. (I was doing ok ignoring it)

 

I'm used to bottling my feelings up, but that never ends well for me...& I feel like that's the only thing that works as far as "moving on" from the past is ignoring it all...pretending like it never happened...but isn't it bound to resurface? Well it feels like they have resurfaced & have been killing me for the past 2 months relentlessly.

I understand my boyfriend's point of view but he just seems so cold to me(and not open minded enough to consider that depression isn't something you can just will away)..but then again so does everything else.

 

I really need help here.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Have you gone to therapy. There is cognitive behavioural therapy which is basically about training your mind not to dwell on certain things...to basically "change the record" in your brain. At a certain point you have to take control over your life and your future. Dwelling on the past does not help you live your life to its fullest and basically gives power to the people in your past who hurt you. Take that power away from them. Your boyfriend has a point in that you have a choice...you can let the past eat you up and ruin yourself and your relationship...or you can fight your demons and be determined to put the past behind you. He may not have had a tough life and may not be able to understand, but he certainly has a point in that being with someone who is constantly dredging up past hurts and can't enjoy the present and be hopeful for the future is a real downer. Depression also has a negative impact on the loved ones....so when you choose to wallow in self-pity about the past which is over, you are indeed impacting not only your quality of life, but your partner's as well. So start picking yourself up and moving forward. It is okay to be down for a while...but now it is time to take positive steps to deal with it and move forward.

[greeneyedgal]

For a while there, I felt that I may as well have been reading my own post albeit from a while ago...

 

I have had some bad experiences also which for me seem to tarnish the present but I am choosing to fight this as I know I don't want to be feeling mired in this kind of helplessness if I don't have to be.

 

I used to drink and smoke a lot to counter these feelings especially after my breakup but have weaned myself off these now only to realise the feelings are still there.

 

I now realise I need to visit a doctor and get some therapy or meds to pull myself up by the bootstraps. It's not easy to come to this realisation - it's easier to deny things or blame them because they made you how you are.

 

People can't see what you feel like inside and so they offer less than compassionate comments at times which makes you feel even more alone. Know you are not alone and many people feel similarly to the way you do. Even less admit it so see that as a strength - at least you're willing to communicate it and take a step towards working on it. ((hugs)) and I wish you the best. Tell your boyfriend you need his support but ultimately it's up to you to make life happy for you again.

[lust4life]

thanks for the replies guys. I needed some support here.

 

I feel like my whole life has been a rollercoaster of ignoring the past & getting on with life vs. having events that make the pain from the past re-enter and depress me.

 

It also doesn't help having some of the people who hurt me the most in my life because of blood.

 

In the past I've expressed the re-occurrence of this pain in unhealthy ways. In my youngest years it was through anger. I went to therapy then & I lost the anger aspect. In my tweens I dealt with it by not eating. No one ever knew, I was just a really skinny kid to them. In my later teens...drinking, partying, fooling around,....

 

It has only been 2 years since I've stopped expressing the pain in negative ways (mostly b/c of my boyfriend) and instead starting crying and moping around. I would have never thought of doing something so "weak" in my earlier years.

 

I guess the biggest problem is learning how to deal with the pain when it manages to resurface. I try to focus on the positive, I truly do, but sometimes it completely overwhelms me.

[lust4life]

I have to add that there's no way I can afford therapy or meds at this point. We just moved out on our own a little while ago & money is very tight.

[greeneyedgal]

I can relate - are there any free counselling lines you can take advantage of in the interim? I have used these in the past to get me through difficult times - just having someone neutral (and anonymous) there to talk to can help sometimes. You'd be surprised how much a half an hour of unconditional listening to help your mood and outlook on a situation even though it might take a few days to mull over in your mind afterwards - and the best part is they're FREE!

[lust4life]

ah yes, that does sound great. I must admit I haven't done my homework on that one though. All I can think of around here is a free suicide hotline.

 

Then again this is free & getting feedback here has been helpful thus far

 

I have much more to talk about if you'd like to PM me, perhaps we can help each other?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Try a library or bookstore and read up on the issues that get you down (self-help section). Also, you can probably find a lot of information online.

[thejigsup]

I had a horrible childhood, most traumatic. While I don't agree with everything your bf is saying, he is on the right track. You have to train yourself to live in the moment and forget the past. Otherwise, whoever hurt you in the past is still winning. Don't let that happen. Focus on the good stuff in your life. We do have free will, we just have to train our brains to use it.

[j0shua]

as far as i understand it (if rather simplified) any psychological condition is:

1 part biological (genetics, hormones, brain chemistry) +

1 part situational (upbringing, income, life events) +

1 part cognitive (decisions, though patterns, ideals)

 

the only two you can deal w/ without drugs is the situational and the cognitive. try to identify areas you can change and attitudes. sometimes 'artificially' changing things helps, though it doesnt feel that way at first. ie, if you tell yourself that you are happy, even when you arent happy, eventually you will actually become happy.

 

its worth a shot and has helped me at points in my life.

 

***edit

and i guess diet can help w/ the brain chemistry thing, if your willing to put the research work into and experiment...

 

but professional therapy would be the best route, though there is always money to deal with....

[eTired]

I too have had a bad life for the most part. Out of my 28 years, 7 or 8 of them have been stable and happy, but with it I have always suffered the confusing, the doubt, self-hate, hopelessness, and bitter feelings that are created and reinforced by bad life experiences.

 

Confronting those that have wronged you in the past does help. I don't even mean forgiveness, I mean just telling those who wronged you that should have been there for you that you are angry with them, and then doing a virtual inventory of all the wrongs does help.

 

But the main things to be done, in my experience, are realization, acceptance, and letting go.

 

Now, I am not an expert, and I am still suffering the wounds of the past but I have made progress and I'll tell you how I did.

 

I had to accept myself, flaws and all for what I am. Remembering that out of the approximately 6.7 billion people on this planet, everyone does wrong, everyone has made mistakes, everyone is tainted by their actions in some way. It's a human trait, it's our species, it's just the way of things.

 

But to get over the aforementioned negative feelings about myself and the world, I have and still have to force myself to let go.

 

Fretting, stewing, letting yourself remain in a constant state of anguish does no one any good when you know you have done nothing that billions of others are not themselves guilty of.

 

You have to force yourself, at least I do, to look from the outside in and disconnect, and see things in the bigger context.

 

I had to see that I am not a bad person even though I have done bad things, but also have had bad things done to me. That I was not created any less or more than anyone else. That what I feel, is what every human feels on some level.

 

And it may sound bad, but try to care a little bit less. And what I mean by that is not to over analyze things. Don't take things too seriously. Let go of all things, they will proceed along their natural and simplest course which is the best way for things to proceed. I've noticed that the harder you try to force things the hard things get.

 

In all honesty though, being in a relationship when you feel that way is probably not a good idea. You need to get yourself straight for your own sake and his.

[wtm78]

like you say, you are depressed and you can trace back to the bad experiences you encountered in life.. i know it sucks.. and you dont deserve it..

 

depression is nothing more than learnt helplessness.. after expriencing bad encouters over and over to the point you feel that there is nothing you can do to avoid it.. you gave up and say things like "it is just going to be that way... life sucks... nothing is going to change..."

 

depression is a visious cycle of being angry at yourself.. and anger turn inward... so in a way, you boyfriend is right to an extend to say that you create your own happiness... because you cant change what happen but you can change your attitude towards it...

 

there are times when we all sulk and fall down and need a break... we sympathise ourselves.. over doing that becomes self pity.. there is a time to sulk and a time to put up the loose pieces, get up, pick up the mat and walk...

 

the day you can be comfortable with yourself, you will stop being angry at you.. and you will love yourself and have your confidence back...

 

you are worth everything to yourself... dont let yourself down...

[lust4life]

thank you all for your continued support.

 

eTired,

I have tried to confront the people who have wronged me, however they continue to lie & play the victim role...so I'm still struggling to deal with not being able to have any closure. Some days I can completely let go & care less...then other days something will happen or the pain will just return & cripple me.

You said the main things are realization, acceptance, & letting go...& I think I'm just finishing up the realization stage. No longer denying how badly people hurt me...almost angry-more sad. What stage are you at?

 

wtm78,

"depression is nothing more than learnt helplessness.. after expriencing bad encouters over and over to the point you feel that there is nothing you can do to avoid it.. you gave up and say things like "it is just going to be that way... life sucks... nothing is going to change..."

I have said all those things before, b/c in all honesty, it hurts less not to expect good things than to hope good things will happen & be miserably disappointed.

 

"the day you can be comfortable with yourself, you will stop being angry at you.. and you will love yourself and have your confidence back..."

Both you & eTired have told me this, and so has my boyfriend. I do like me, to a point. My confidence has been rebuilt a tiny bit(i've been trying), but when the people who are supposed to love you no matter what can't even seem to do so, it shakes my core. Why am I not good enough for them??? It makes me doubt and question myself

[Unmotivated]

Hey lust4life, you might want to check out Marci Shimoff's Happy For No Reason. I'm still reading my copy, but so far it's had a lot of great concepts and techniques for becoming happier with life in general. It focuses on eliminating negative habits and just kind of changing your perspective on things.

 

Here's a link to the book on amazon:

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