is it selfish to tell the other you've cheated?

[lux848]

my ex told me she cheated on me while we were together. i didnt feel as bad cuz i did too but never told her. even though i felt strong guilt i just couldnt bring myself to tell her. i think if one person cheats and is really sorry and would never do it again he/she should keep it a secret. if not the other would be devastated and be hurt for a very long time. why put someone you care thru that so you can ease your guilt or whatever?

[metrogirl]

Well I guess one wouldn't have to worry about putting their bf/gf through such pain if they would just keep their pants on to begin with.

[siberianhusky88]

ugh dont cheat in the first place....

[Loki71]

Well I guess one wouldn't have to worry about putting their bf/gf through such pain if they would just keep their pants on to begin with.

 

 

I agree with metrogirl. If you felt that bad about it you shouldn't have done it to begin with. For what ever reason you did it and it can't be undone but your right telling her would only make you feel better and would just bring her more pain.

[catwalk]

Yes, often telling the person you cheated when it will only help take some of the guilt off yourself, is very selfish.

 

Especially in the case of the ex, if it's over, why try and hurt them? Unless you want to hurt them, but that's also selfish!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I actually think it is selfish NOT to tell. Oh, people use the excuse that "I won't tell because then they will feel bad"..but it really isn't for their benefit...the secret is kept in order not to tarnish their image and risk the fallout. Cheating is one sin...the next one is the sin of omission. By not telling you are violating the other person's rights...their rights to make a decision based on the facts....their right to get themselves tested for STDs....their right to not want to sleep with someone who betrayed them, their right to see a person who betrayed them in a different light.

[Jen5283]

I was cheated on and wish that I never would have known because the pain was almost unbearable, so I would say it's best to not tell and just not cheat anymore. It's not the significant other's problem to deal with, so don't relieve your negative emotions by transferring it to the gf/bf. It's too heavy of a burden. Believe me.

 

If you're cheating, make the decision not to cheat and work harder at the relationship or walk away. And ask God for forgiveness.

[gracerules2008]

my ex told me she cheated on me while we were together. i didnt feel as bad cuz i did too but never told her. even though i felt strong guilt i just couldnt bring myself to tell her. i think if one person cheats and is really sorry and would never do it again he/she should keep it a secret. if not the other would be devastated and be hurt for a very long time. why put someone you care thru that so you can ease your guilt or whatever?

 

I don't know. I think I would like to know the truth if my girlfriend was cheating no matter how disturbing that may be. The truth usually has a way of coming out accidentally later anyway so I don't think it's a good idea to keep a secret about those things.

 

If you cheat on your significant other or vice versa they will get a vibe about it. I'm starting to believe that as humans we have telepathic abilities it's just that women are more in tune with them than men are.

 

So when a man cheats a woman knows it intuitively. Women know when they are being lied to as well. So the man might as well come out and confess his sin to her.

 

I believe one of the ways God speaks to us is through our gut. A gut feeling is a warning bell from God going off that something is wrong. Sometimes we just don't want to believe our gut.

[Loki71]

I actually think it is selfish NOT to tell.

 

I would agree if your the only one in the releationship that has cheated. But as per the OP he is only thinking of telling her because she told him she had cheated. While she did the right thing and told him, for him to tell her now would be like him just trying to hurt her as pay back.

[karvala]

my ex told me she cheated on me while we were together. i didnt feel as bad cuz i did too but never told her. even though i felt strong guilt i just couldnt bring myself to tell her. i think if one person cheats and is really sorry and would never do it again he/she should keep it a secret. if not the other would be devastated and be hurt for a very long time. why put someone you care thru that so you can ease your guilt or whatever?

 

I suggest you check out the following thread, where this issue was debated at length:

[karvala]

I was cheated on and wish that I never would have known because the pain was almost unbearable, so I would say it's best to not tell and just not cheat anymore. It's not the significant other's problem to deal with, so don't relieve your negative emotions by transferring it to the gf/bf. It's too heavy of a burden. Believe me.

 

If you're cheating, make the decision not to cheat and work harder at the relationship or walk away. And ask God for forgiveness.

 

It is curious that your complaint is not that your bf cheated, but that he told you about it. You sound as though you almost think it's okay for him to cheat as long as he doesn't tell you. I'm sure you don't really think that, but if you ask to be lied to, it's tantamount to giving someone licence to cheat.

[karvala]

I would agree if your the only one in the releationship that has cheated. But as per the OP he is only thinking of telling her because she told him she had cheated. While she did the right thing and told him, for him to tell her now would be like him just trying to hurt her as pay back.

 

That's a curious way of looking it; I'd say rather that him telling her now is restoring balance in the relationship by both sides being honest with each other, instead of one side owning up and the other not, which creates a very unbalanced dynamic. As it is, if he doesn't tell, you'll have a situation where she is tripping over herself trying to make things better while he is thoroughly enjoying himself playing the role of victim when he's nothing of the sort.

[catwalk]

That's a curious way of looking it; I'd say rather that him telling her now is restoring balance in the relationship by both sides being honest with each other, instead of one side owning up and the other not, which creates a very unbalanced dynamic. As it is, if he doesn't tell, you'll have a situation where she is tripping over herself trying to make things better while he is thoroughly enjoying himself playing the role of victim when he's nothing of the sort.

But it's the EX - there's no balance to restore! She told him, he hurts. He tells her, she hurts. What's the point? They are not trying to make things better, they are just opening up a cut that they didn't even know was there.

 

With the EX, telling them you cheated is to make YOU feel better, or to make THEM feel crappy. Both ways is mean and selfish!

[karvala]

But it's the EX - there's no balance to restore! She told him, he hurts. He tells her, she hurts. What's the point? They are not trying to make things better, they are just opening up a cut that they didn't even know was there.

 

With the EX, telling them you cheated is to make YOU feel better, or to make THEM feel crappy. Both ways is mean and selfish!

 

Personally I think there's still a balance there, and I think it's arguable that his ex would actually feel better to know that he cheated as well as her, so that she doesn't blame herself entirely for the breakup and realises that there was fault on both sides. It's a matter of opinion and individual personality, though, whether she will really feel better or not, in these circumstances.

[Jen5283]

Karvala-

 

My boyfriend didn't tell me he cheated. The woman(married manipulative witch) that he cheated on me with told my friend who told me. I wish that I wouldn't have found out because of the PAIN. That is the only reason why. He had already walked away from her, and she was trying to destroy our relationship. He told me that he was never going to tell me because he knew that it would have hurt me and he's sorry that he ever did that to me. He was already making things right by staying away from her.

 

I never condoned cheating, but I do not see a reason to cause unnecessary pain to the victim. There are some things better left unsaid.

[karvala]

Karvala-

 

My boyfriend didn't tell me he cheated. The woman(married manipulative witch) that he cheated on me with told my friend who told me. I wish that I wouldn't have found out because of the PAIN. That is the only reason why. He had already walked away from her, and she was trying to destroy our relationship. He told me that he was never going to tell me because he knew that it would have hurt me and he's sorry that he ever did that to me. He was already making things right by staying away from her.

 

I never condoned cheating, but I do not see a reason to cause unnecessary pain to the victim. There are some things better left unsaid.

 

Well I certainly understand about the pain, and I'm sorry that you ever had to go through it. I know what you would want to avoid feeling that. But there a few things I don't understand

 

(1) do you blame your bf at all for the cheating, or do you really think it's mostly the fault of the other woman here?

 

(2) do you see that your bf had a conflict of interest in not telling you, because it puts him in a more difficult position if you know?;

 

(3) if you condone him lying to you to spare your feelings in this situation, how do you know that he's not cheating and hiding it every week? If you knew he would always tell you about it, you would know each day he didn't say anything that he hadn't cheated; now you'll never know each day

whether he's cheated or not. That doesn't bother you?

 

I'm just curious more than anything about the way of thinking that leads you to not wanting to know.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yeah, I have the same questions. Also, Jen, you seem to be foisting the blame on this other woman and are so angry at her but it was actually your boyfriend who betrayed you. This woman may have had her own motivation for telling you but it seems like you are angry with her while at the same time not angry with your boyfriend for cheating. It is that whole notion of "shoot the messenger". Your boyfriend cheated on you and then he wanted it covered up...what an incredibly lucky break for him that although you found out, you are angry at the messenger not him. When it comes to cheating, the whole notion of "what you don't know can't hurt" is so incredibly wrong. There are STDs that you can catch...not only that, but other people know...there are always friends who know...so in the end, they are whispering and they know something about your partner that you don't know. There is violation of privacy and trust and you would have no clue. That is very damaging because the relationship is built on a lie...a very big lie.

[JeckyllNHyde]

my ex told me she cheated on me while we were together. i didnt feel as bad cuz i did too but never told her. even though i felt strong guilt i just couldnt bring myself to tell her. i think if one person cheats and is really sorry and would never do it again he/she should keep it a secret. if not the other would be devastated and be hurt for a very long time. why put someone you care thru that so you can ease your guilt or whatever?

 

i agree, lots of times people just confess to ease their mind and so they can feel better themself.

however.. if i love someone, and i KNOW they want me to tell them instead of lie to them... that's the reason I would tell. i can't make someone i love be a fool.

but once i tell them i am pretty sure it would be over.

i think it's more selfish to keep it a secret so that you can be with them.

You're selfish if you do and your selfish if you don't.

 

if you tell the person when your broken up already well yea.. i wouldn't.

[Jen5283]

#1- I blame him 100% for cheating. This wasn't some strung out relationship between the two of them. It lasted about a month because she was buying a car from him and she was going up to the dealership to see him a lot, and he was going along with her attention because we were fighting so much. He was being nice to her because she was buying a car from him and he took it too far with listening to her problems and such. They kissed. That's all. He cut contact with her. She started blabbing.

 

The reason I am angry with her is because she works with my friend who had told her that was my boyfriend. She was lying to my friend also until my boyfriend didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore. This woman was also trying to get my friend fired from her job and was telling my boyfriend about it, so she's just trouble period. She also wanted to meet me and my friend and then invite him along. Why? I don't know. To cause drama? I don't want to deal with that. So do you see why I don't like her?

 

#2 - Yes, I do see the conflict of interest. It's better for him for me to not know of course because then he doesn't have to deal with my anger, questions, ....whatever. I'm very upset about the whole thing. It's humiliating, embarrasing, depressing...all of it. He knows exactly how I feel about all of it.

 

#3 - I ask him those questions all of the time. It is driving me crazy because I know that he did this to me, even though I understand why he did, I think it's stupid and unfair and I question, question, question and bring it up a alot. I feel like my ability to make decisions clearly was taken away from me and I'm off-balanced and confused, wondering what is the truth from reality. I think that if he would have told me himself I would have been hurt just as bad. Really I do. I think I would be in the same place I am now.

 

I didn't mean for this to get so long, but I hope I answered your questions thoroughly.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Ummm... are you sure he was telling the truth as to the reason he didn't tell you?

 

He did it, and got CAUGHT doing it because the other woman told you. So he could either own up to being a rat, or pretend like he was a NOBLE rat and never told you because he didn't want to hurt you, when the real reason he didn't tell you was he wanted to get away with it and not have you angry at him.

 

Obviously it's preferable not to cheat. And depending on the circumstances, telling or not telling is a hard decision. But secrecy of any kind tends to drive a wedge into a relationship, and not give opportunities to work through problems. So i don't see his not telling as noble, either way.

[karvala]

I didn't mean for this to get so long, but I hope I answered your questions thoroughly.

 

You did, and it's very much appreciated I won't try to change your mind any further, but for my side, the peace of mind that comes with honesty from the partner even (or especially) when they've done something bad, is worth the pain of knowing.

[Jen5283]

Ummm... are you sure he was telling the truth as to the reason he didn't tell you?

 

He did it, and got CAUGHT doing it because the other woman told you. So he could either own up to being a rat, or pretend like he was a NOBLE rat and never told you because he didn't want to hurt you, when the real reason he didn't tell you was he wanted to get away with it and not have you angry at him.

 

I'm sure it does have more to do with him not telling me to save himself. Obviously, if he cared more about me he would have had better boundaries in the first place. I just wish it never would have happened.

[Jen5283]

You did, and it's very much appreciated I won't try to change your mind any further, but for my side, the peace of mind that comes with honesty from the partner even (or especially) when they've done something bad, is worth the pain of knowing.

 

I know what you mean about peace of mind from honesty. Once you know that someone was dishonest, it's hard to have peace.

[ghost69]

why are you still in contact with your ex? sounds like a loser to me.

 

i guess be happy he told you so you can now go get tested.

[Ben10]

my ex told me she cheated on me while we were together. i didnt feel as bad cuz i did too but never told her. even though i felt strong guilt i just couldnt bring myself to tell her. i think if one person cheats and is really sorry and would never do it again he/she should keep it a secret. if not the other would be devastated and be hurt for a very long time. why put someone you care thru that so you can ease your guilt or whatever?

 

 

Why? Because they are giving you the opportunity to decide what to do with your life. If they didn't tell you, and, for example, you end up getting married only to find out they cheated later on from someone else, you'd be feeling pretty damn helpless.

 

As much as it would hurt, you bet I'd want them to tell me. That way I can take the proper steps to dispose of them.