Feeling guilty today...

[KaylaJoy]

For some reason this morning, I started thinking about all the stuff Mark and I went thru, and I realized that much, if not almost all, of what happened with us was MY FAULT. I misinterpreted what our “relationship” was all about, even before we became lovers. I thought we were very close friends…after all, wasn’t I the one Mark had confided his deepest darkest secrets to, the things he wouldn’t dare tell anyone else? Wasn’t I the one he used to like all those years ago? Somehow I thought I had the inside track to Mark and his heart and feelings. Now I’m thinking that perhaps we were just casual acquaintances in his eyes, and when I offered myself on a platter to him, no contracts or strings, of course he went for it. After all, didn’t I promise him that I wouldn’t fall in love with him? Didn’t I tell him this was just a “thing”? When he told me he didn’t think he was the one for me, and when he told me he was into it as long as there were no contracts involved, didn’t I (out of desperation) agree that I was right on board with him? I loved him so much, but I couldn’t dare tell him, so I agreed to a come-as-you-are physical-only relationship, just so I could have SOMETHING with him. And then when he broke my heart because he walked away, telling me he didn’t love me, didn’t I get angry with him and say “how could you?”

 

This is all my fault. The pain I am going thru is all my fault. He is a red blooded male, and I offered him sex on a platter, and told him I was fine with a casual friendly sexual relationship. I thought this was my big chance to win him over. I didn’t understand that when a man says “this is only sex, it means nothing”, that he LITERALLY means “THIS IS ONLY SEX, IT MEANS NOTHING”. And the fact that this man was supposed to be your friend doesn’t change anything; he’s still a man.

 

I feel like such an idiot. I wanted to be so special to him, and instead just became an easy lay to him. I remember him telling me one time “I don’t think anything could mess US up” when it came to our friendship. Well he was wrong, and I was too, because it did mess us up. I feel stupid.

 

I used to blame him, saying how could he do this to a friend, how could he use me like that, how could he hurt me like that. Now I don’t blame him at all. In fact, today I can’t find one single thing to blame him for. I feel like it’s all my fault. I read way more into the quality and value of our friendship to begin with. Then I offered him sex on a platter, knowing I had feelings for him, but lying to him about it, thinking I would win him over eventually. (STUPID). Then when he took exactly what I offered him, and gave nothing in return because I told him it was OK if he didn’t love me, I got mad at him. It’s like giving someone a Christmas gift and then getting mad when they accept it and open it. And then further getting mad when they set it aside and move on to the next one.

 

I was the stupid one. I don’t think he has anything to feel bad about, other than maybe not having wisdom to foresee the damage it would do, but he was young, and this was a new experience for the both of us.

 

This is why I stay away from him. This is why I am in NC with him. Not because I’m mad at him any longer, although I was very angry at first, until I could see my own guilt in this. I stay away because I feel so stupid. I feel so guilty, for not telling him up front that I had feelings for him, for putting him above my feelings, needs and wants, and then being angry when he didn’t respond to me. I feel bad for lowering my self to having a “casual” intimate relationship, especially with someone who was supposed to be a friend, and lying to him about it – it wasn’t “casual” for me – I just wouldn’t tell him because I knew he would back off – I knew he didn’t have feelings for me, I just hoped he might somehow change his mind. Stupid.

 

I don’t really need advice on this – I recognize how dumb I was. I just need to vent. I don’t need anyone to tell me how I should “learn from this”. I graduated in this course. I know what not to do.

 

It just absolutely rotgut stinks that the one guy I’ve wanted for so long, I’ll never get to be with, because I blew it. Because I gave up something infinitely precious and valuable in hopes of winning him over, and instead I lost his respect and what little feelings he ever had for me. Talk about your painful lesson to learn…it’s so darn sad and it’s all my fault and I wear that thought like a heavy cloak, I can’t escape it – I blew it, and I lost any chance to be with him, by not listening to him, not being honest, by thinking sex could win his heart. All I did was lose his respect.

 

Today is just not a good day.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I looked at another thread of yours and I would say that this guy is not Mr. Innocent. It seems like you weren't the only woman he has treated like an object. So while I say that you should have had more respect for yourself and not accept being a booty call just to have him around, I will also say that a decent human being doesn't use someone...they have the integrity to say to themselves, "no, this is wrong". He didn't have the integrity to not use you. Sure, a lot of people blame the "victim" and say "you teach people how to treat you"...but I certainly have never thought about treating someone like crap just because that person may not stand up for themself. I certainly know right from wrong. People with integrity know right from wrong and don't crap on others just because they can get away with it. So don't take all the blame on to yourself...he is as much to blame.

[Belle]

I agree with you in principle, crazy, but I just don't think that's the way it works with men. Not that I believe very many people have integrity to begin with, but most men (imo) would have done the same thing if they were attracted. I'm not saying I like it or respect it. I'm just sayin'

 

Sorry to hear you're hurting Kayla. Just be good to yourself.

[HeartGoesOn]

I agree with the above...Don't sell yourself short.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with you in principle, crazy, but I just don't think that's the way it works with men. Not that I believe very many people have integrity to begin with, but most men (imo) would have done the same thing if they were attracted. I'm not saying I like it or respect it. I'm just sayin'

 

Sorry to hear you're hurting Kayla. Just be good to yourself.

 

I am sure there are decent men out there who wouldn't do that. Not all men are into the "wham bam thank you ma'am" scene.

[KaylaJoy]

I will also say that a decent human being doesn't use someone...they have the integrity to say to themselves, "no, this is wrong". He didn't have the integrity to not use you..... People with integrity know right from wrong and don't crap on others just because they can get away with it.

 

Ya know what? The funny thing is after he walked away from me, he kept coming back around for awhile, and he admitted that he recognized a lack of integrity - that's exactly the word he used - in himself because he slept with me without having feelings for me, even after I eventually told him I loved him, he let me know he did not feel the same, but he kept coming back around, and I was so messed up over him I held onto every scrap I could get. Stupid.

I just thought it was interesting that you used the word integrity, Crazy...that's the word he used to describe what he didn't have.

I checked out his MySpace page tonight - first time in awhile - he has moved me to the top of his friends list so that I'm now on his main page. So I did the same, chess move, I told myself. Then I thought about it for awhile, and I went back and changed it back to the way I had him, which was on the bottom. I still can't bring myself to completely deleting him - not ready to burn that bridge yet completely, but I recognized that by moving him to the front I was once again more concerned about his feelings and his reactions then what I was feeling. And after my "stupid" meltdown today, I think I need a little more "taking care of kayla" time, instead of making sure Mark doesn't suffer.

 

I just wrote this post because I realized how incredibly dumb I have been. It was like another epiphany shining thru the clouds - what an idiot - I asked for the trouble, begged for it even. No - perhaps he should have been wise enough to say no when he realized the feelings were so lopsided, but again - he's a man, and I don't give too many men that much credit.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There are plenty of men who wouldn't have done what he did. To say "oh well, that's just the way men are" is doing a grave injustice to men. This guy readily admitted that he was lacking in the integrity department. Yep, his genitals were doing the thinking...but not all men put their genitals on a higher level than their brain and their integrity. This man did..he readily acknowledged it, and by his actions, showed that he really didn't care that he was worshipping his penis at the expense of his brain...which just goes to show that he is not worthy of you.

[foreverlost]

Kayla,

 

I was in the same situation... until a week and a half ago. same exact situation... I feel like you took the words out of my mouth. I fell very hard for him.. I love him with all my heart, thought he felt the same because it was so intimate... we spent every minute of the day together... in the end it was all sex to him. I have a hard time beleving it.

[lonelylight]

Hey, I've been there too, with a guy who just used me for sex.

 

And I'm here to say...there are better men out there, ones with integrity and honor, who respect and cherish woman and who wouldn't do that, who would care about your feelings and the effect their behavior had on you.

 

Never settle for less than a man who respects and cherishes you, or you will always get less.

[KaylaJoy]

I heard a saying once, and I've used it several times since then - if you keep doing what you've always done, you will keep getting what you've always gotten. This is so true in my case. I have a history of letting men take advantage of me, putting their feelings, moods, wants, etc above my own to my own detriment.

I know there are some men out there, Crazy..., that aren't that way. I've heard of men who aren't self serving, who put their lady first, think of her first, without an ulterior motive, only that he loves her. I just haven't personally dated any of these men, nor have I ever had one of these men be interested in me. Maybe I put off tramp vibes or something, although my sexual history is not extensive at all. I was raised in a Christian home, and though I have morally stepped out of bounds with a few men, I have not "slept around". Yet I remember Mark telling me one time at the beginning of our relationship, that I was someone he would "hop into bed with any day" and he thought he was complimenting me. It offended me horribly. He called me a tramp and a ho, thinking he was being affectionately funny, but it offended me horribly. And he refused to apologize because he said he was just joking around. I should have seen that these signs were indicatives of what he thought of me, but because we'd had this long friendship prior to, I just thought he was being offensive and didn't realize it.

So if someone who you thought was one of your closest "friends" can use you for sex, it's really hard for me to grasp the idea that there is someone out there that would want me, not just physically, but love me for me, and that wouldn't just be using me. I don't guess I know what that color looks like.

I feel so messed over all this this morning somehow....

[KaylaJoy]

Never settle for less than a man who respects and cherishes you,

 

I've never had a man that fits this bill.